Tag: psychology

How Far

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

“How Far”

There’s a boat, I could sail away
There’s the sky, I could catch a plane
There’s a train, there’s the tracks
I could leave and I could choose to not come back
Oh never come back

There you are, giving up the fight
Here I am begging you to try
Talk to me, let me in
But you just put your wall back up again
Oh when’s it gonna end

[Chorus:]
How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

There’s a chance I could change my mind
But I won’t, not till you decide
What you want, what you need
Do you even care if I stay or leave
Oh, what’s it gonna be

[Chorus]

Out of this chair, or just across the room
Halfway down the block or halfway to the moon

How far do I have to go to make you understand
I wanna make this work so much it hurts, but I just can’t
Keep on giving, go on living with the way things are
So I’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say
YeahI’m gonna walk away
And it’s up to you to say how far

by Martina McBride

Who do you turn to when you have no one to turn to?

by Midnight Demon, posted in bipolar, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, psychology

I finally got out of the house today and went to Starbucks. It was a little rough getting there but I persevered. I wanted a latte and by dog gone it, I was going to get one! It wasn’t as sweet as I was hoping it was, but it did it’s job. And I got some writing done while I was cruising through Facebook and Twitter. It doesn’t make any sense right now, but I think I will work on it later tonight to see if I can make it make sense. It was like once I started writing I “threw up” and my brain couldn’t make sense of the thoughts anymore.

Back and bowels are having a fight as to who is going to win the pain shoot out. I almost lost control of my bowels twice since coming home. I fear that if I do, I will commit suicide. I am that vulnerable.

I tried to bring up my suicidal tendencies to my therapist today but she got all panicky so I dropped it. I could tell from her voice she was not going to be listening to me and just freaking out about losing me. I never felt so low as I did in that moment. I felt like I had no one to talk to about my ideas or frustrations to do with suicide. It’s just up to me to deal with, once again, on my own. I can’t talk to my pdoc, she is out of commission for a while. And the most she can offer me is a hospitalization. I don’t need to be hospitalized, least I don’t think I do. I just want to talk about what it would be like with me not in the world anymore to someone non-judgmental and criticizing. And also, not be freaked out by it. My therapist is a good therapist. She has kept me alive the past 10 years, some how, some way. But she still gets fucking juiced up and down right untalkable when I bring up suicide or feeling like ending my life. If I can’t talk about it in therapy, who can I turn to? Sure I have my blog, but last time I posted a post on being suicidal someone hunted me down to make sure I was ok and scared a few people in the process. I was lucky they didn’t call the cops. So now I am hesitant to put that on my blog for fear of being taken the wrong way. And if I don’t have my blog to vent to, what the hell is the point of writing this blog every day?? I have been keeping things neutral since that incident. I keep to myself and I hardly write in my journal anymore. Since being discharged from the hospital in August, I really have been questioning things. I am unhappy in therapy, with the process itself, and I am not sure after 15 years, it is going to change. I know my medication regiment is stable and doesn’t need to be played with. I guess I just miss talking with someone, and having intellectual discussions with people about psychology and suicide. I miss being in academia. I miss having the research tools at my finger tips. (Call me a geek!) But I no longer have that and that makes me depressed. I know that if I were in school and pursuing my passion, I might be feeling better but I can’t afford school. It just costs too much for a bachelor’s education and I don’t have the money. If I didn’t screw up my student loans, I would be going back to school now. It would give me routine and sociability with my fellow classmates. I sometimes feel like holding a cardboard box in the square and say “college tuition” just to see if I would get a response. Be a fun experiment, from the sociological viewpoint.

I have thought of passing this on to my therapist, but I figure why bother. She doesn’t “listen” anymore…

time and patience

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, mood disorders

Last night I was in excruciating pain. It was terrible. I emailed my psychiatrist that I was done. If my PCP wants me to jump hula hoops he has another thing coming. I am not buying into it anymore. I no longer care what is causing my pain. I know what helps my pain and that should be all that matters. He isn’t questioning my blood pressure medication. Why the hell is he giving me a hard time about my pain medication. I am sick of it. After last night, I swore to myself this was it. It’s the weekend so I can’t do a thing about it. My foot still hurts so I won’t be going out like I had wanted to. It probably would hurt me anyways.

I know I posted a lot yesterday and last night. I got the writing bug back so please forgive me. I have to express myself the best way I know how, by writing.

The President of the AAS posted an article about how the mental health care in the UK is going down the tubes. It’s been going down the tubes in the US for some time now. I know, I have been apart of the system. The hospitalizations don’t care about stabilizing you they just care if you aren’t going to hurt yourself when you leave. And then it is up to incompetent clinicians who don’t know how to deal with suicide and suicide ideation. Most don’t want to change their practice to the new system. Some won’t even attend a seminar about it. I think it has to be mandatory, statewide or they cannot renew their license. That is what I think. If they were to get into a program of CAMS or use the SSF I think there would be a lot less suicides out there for people that want help and this way here they won’t be turned down. But I don’t think there are enough clinicians to do the job. Graduate programs only have a minimum of five or six slots per year. That is a very small number for new clinicians. I also think there should be incentives to work with the population that most needs it. It’s all about triage. But can triage really work in the mental health system? Who is to say that the quiet kid in the corner who is hurting is not the worse off than the one screaming at the top of his lungs because voices are telling him they are going to kill him. I don’t have all the answers. But for those that want help should have priority over those that don’t want help. But unfortunately, those that don’t want help are truly the ones that need it the most. Those are the ones that will end up killing themselves. There is no easy balance. Everyone’s needs are different. And if you shy away from that person, you leave a bad impression about being cared for in that person’s mind.

In my case, if I stopped going to a therapist every time they left me, I would not be here. Sure, when that therapist left it gave me a bad taste in my mouth. But I knew I needed help and so I sought it out. Not every therapist is right for every person. Sometimes you have to go through several to find the one you can talk to the most and won’t be so judgmental, or feel like they are. It took me 11 therapists to find the one that I have been with for more than a decade now. It just takes time and patience to find that right one.

My therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, depression, suicide attempt

My therapist

I know a couple of my blogs have dealt with my therapist. Today she came back from her vacation and I could tell she is glad to be back.

We talked about a couple of issues while she was gone that I had texted her about. I had to keep her in the loop while she was away. I don’t know who else’s therapist does that but mine does.

Friday I was telling my psychiatrist that I was lucky to have her and not to have her drop me when she was going through all the moves that she was making. And also I didn’t connect with anyone while trying to find another therapist that was closer to me. My psychiatrist did bring up a point, that I didn’t drop either one (my therapist or my psychiatrist), though I did try to drop my therapist, many times. It just never worked out. And today I am seeing why. She really cares about me. And I think her hounding and nagging isn’t helping me. We talked about that today after she tried to assess my suicidality. I told her I was fine but she didn’t believe me. She never does. And it pisses me off because sometimes I really am fine.

I have known this bozo for the past 12.5 years (technically 13 if you count the initial session we had). I had an initial session with her in Aug 2000 but because she didn’t take my insurance, I had to wait till January to see her. It was a trying time. I was in severe back pain because I had a herniated disc. I was severely depressed because a therapist (one before her) had just left me after a year of working together and I was hurting really bad because I had just broken up with my girl friend. I was seriously thinking of killing myself because feelings of abandonment were rampant and I didn’t know if I wanted to go back to therapy again. I had so many therapists over the course of 10 yrs already and I wasn’t going to go again just to get hurt again. But something in her demeanor made me think that she was the one. And now after all this time, I realize that we have a lifetime commitment to one another (well, maybe not but it feels like it!)

I’ve had love and love’s had me
I’ve been held and been set free
And I have lived enough to know
That you might stay or you might go
So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

The best is just a touch away
We’ll make forever day by day
It’d be a shame to let this go
How sad to think we’d never know
How the morning light would fall on us
After we make all night in love

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

So here I am one more time
Call me brave call me blind

I’m gonna count to 3
I’m gonna hold my breath
Try not to be afraid
Tho it scares me half to death
I’m out here on a limb
Altho I know that it might break
My heart is gonna want you anyway
And if this love has any chance at all
Someone’s gotta be the first to fall

When I first heard this song by Terri Clark, it was the perfect song for my therapist and I. I was just getting over my relationship with a previous therapist and I didn’t know if I would go on. I was going out on a limb, trying my luck with Bozo.

I didn’t always call Bozo bozo. I used to call her by her formal title Dr. E. But as the years went by she wanted me to call her by her first name, A. Her middle name starts with a B and I didn’t know it for the longest time. And it is an unusual name. So I just started calling her Bozo hoping that she would get mad at me and stop seeing me. Turned out that no matter what I called her (including some explicit language), it never changed her mind. And wasn’t I in trouble!! She and I always had a connection from day one. I like to think that it was the song by Kenny Chesney, you had me from hello that explains it all.

One word, that’s all you said
Something in your voice called me, turned my head
Your smile, just captured me
You were in my future as far as I could see
And I dont know how it happens, but it happens still
You asked me if I love you, if I always will

Well you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you won’t let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Inside I built a wall
So high around my heart, I thought I’d never fall
One touch, you brought it down
The bricks of my defenses scattered on the ground
And I swore to me I wasn’t going to love again
The last time was the last time I’d let someone in

But you had me from hello
I felt love start to grow
The moment I looked into your eyes you won me
It was over from the start you completely stole my heart
And now you wont let go
I never even had a chance you know
You had me from hello

Thats all you said
Something in your voice calls me, turns my head
You had me from hello
You had me from hello
Girl, I’ve loved you from hello

I don’t know how I got to be lucky to have this woman in my life and have such a good relationship with her. It took a long time to trust her especially after dealing with a diagnosis of Cauda Equina Syndrome. That diagnosis brings such a loss of dignity that you cannot imagine what it is like until it reaches you. But through all of my illnesses she has been there.

She doesn’t have a traditional track, like CBT or psychodynamic. She has what is called relational therapy. I am guessing she picked it up back in New Mexico because I can’t seem to find out about it anywhere else. More than that she takes the Aeschi model to a whole new level. She really wants to know me as a person and not as a diagnosis. I think if she were a strict therapist, I might not be with her after all this time. Even though I might not have frequent in session sessions, we still are able to read each other on the phone by the sound of our voices. I can see the faces she makes when we talk, though for a long time, I rarely had any type of facial contact. I think by having phone sessions has increased our eye to eye contact more than it has in the past. It really helped break the barrier of what I felt I couldn’t talk about and really talk about it. She also allows me to having input in the kind of treatment I want. If I didn’t bring in the works or Dr. Shneidman or Dr. Jobes, I doubt that I would be here today. She altered her practice style for me and I never take that for granted. Her style might be considered eccentric but it works for me. I am grateful that she allowed the use of the SSF and Holden’s scale for psychache into our work. I think even if I brought in the most ridiculous form of therapy, she might just be game. Though she has brought some ridiculous forms of therapy to me. The works of Janina Fisher seem a little bogus to me. But she believes in them so I have no chance of changing her mind. I met the lady and boy was it an eye opener to complete bullshit!!