Tag: psychosis

Anxious Tuesday

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

I have had a hard time trying to write today. I only wrote a half page at Starbucks and then my brain conked out. I got antsy which didn’t help matters. I don’t know why my anxiety has been up lately. I think I have too much on my mind. Plus, not having any funds to get things is another stressor. I should be getting some funds soon from the Otterbox that I sold but I don’t know when that will happen. They had some problem with my account so I had to fix it and it won’t be transferred until the 20th. I hate the waiting game.

I had therapy. We talked about my anxieties surrounding just about everything. She wanted to know how my appt with my psychiatrist went and I told her. She asked if I brought up TMS and I said I didn’t. I just plain forgot. I don’t know if I want to go through TMS anyways. I heard their protocol is pretty strict but I have bipolar disorder not major depression so I might not even be a candidate for it. I know I am mostly depressed more than I am manic but still, one hypomania episode gives you the bipolar diagnosis. I don’t have many in my life. Three that I know of, one that was drug induced and the other two were far and in between but it caused significant downs that I really don’t want to go through again.

We also talked about my former therapist and how nervous I am about sending her my book. I am afraid of rejection so we talked about that. It’s an unsubstantiated fear. I know, mentally, that she won’t reject the book, but emotionally is another story. I don’t know if she will contact me once she gets my book. I hope that she does, but she is under no obligation to do so. After my mocha, I mailed out the book, swallowing my anxiety. I even wanted to go back to the post office and have them cancel it after I walked away but I didn’t. God, this is so stupid. I wish I never came across her address and then had the “bright” idea to send her my book. My therapist keeps telling me it will be okay and that she will enjoy the book and know that I am still alive. It’s been almost 20 years since I last had contact with her. I just worry that the book will come back as return to sender. I will be crushed if that happens.

We also talked about this book that I am reading about shame and perfectionism. She thought it was about trauma work and I told her it was anything but, much to her disappointment. The book has got me thinking in terms of DBT stuff and putting things together and such. Who knew that I would remember DBT stuff when I least expected it. The author of the book talks kind of rag time and the exercise she gave wasn’t too clear in terms of understanding in plain language, or in language that is relevant to what she is asking.

My mood has been okay all day, despite being anxious. I think it’s because I woke up at 0530 in pain. That always puts my mood in a damper because I don’t know how the rest of the day is going to shape up. Right now the throbbing has returned, which could turn into pain. I took a pain pill when I came home and might take another in a little bit. Pain always stresses me out because I can’t do anything I want to do. I was able to go to Starbucks but tomorrow I think I am just going to make my Brazil coffee at home and not go out. I don’t know what is making me so nervous. It could be pain or it could just be that I am worrying over nothing. I am also working on my second book, which my therapist was thrilled about. I have 43 pages done so far. I really want to get it to at least 200. But I got to be in a writing mode and lately, that hasn’t happened, which is nerve racking. I just can’t get settled or think I just can’t write unless it is at a certain time. The truth is, I can write at anytime I want. I have no one telling me this, just me, though I think the stupid voices are influencing me. I am constantly being watched the past few days. I think I need to take a trilafon and just chill out. I do feel a delusion coming on, well, more disordered thinking. I saw my cousin tonight and I swear he was talking to me though his lips weren’t moving. His voice got into my head and I couldn’t shake it until I was a block or so away from the house. I was returning milk for my mother. Apparently, my sister bought the wrong one and I had to be the one to return it. I really don’t know why my thoughts get so disorganized at times. I guess it’s just part of the illness that I have. Usually medication helps me but lately it hasn’t. I might have to go up on my meds eventually. I have been on the same dose for so long. Plus, I am now taking a generic rather than the brand name. I was afraid something like this might happen.

I started writing a letter to my therapist about the book that I am reading. It originally was supposed to be just a word doc about the book. But every time I went to the blank page, my mind would blank out. I forgot instantly what I was thinking. It happens every now and then and I think that is another reason I have become so anxious. I fear losing my writing ability above all else. I hadn’t had a cathartic writing in a week and that is what I am basing my book on. But one thing I have learned, is you can’t force writing or it will be shit. So I went to pen and paper and started writing her this letter as it always frees my thinking when I write to my therapist. When I told my therapist this, she got all excited. She is such a nut. She says that if I write to her more, she might actually check her mail more often. She hasn’t received my letter about the abuse yet. She had to have received it by now as I mailed it last week. I am hoping that is going to be a topic for tomorrow.

Hospitalizations: Fifteen Minutes of Fame

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, depression, mental disorders, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide

Hospitalizations: Fifteen Minutes of Fame

I had therapy. My therapist read my “Brick Wall” blog. She asked if we could talk about the bricks and we spent most of the session going over them. I also told her about my book problems, that I think it is disorganized. She said that it is her most prized possession, so I think she is biased in my writing abilities. She said my short story was heartbreaking to read. I haven’t gotten too many likes on it. I may have to play with the tags a bit. Anyway, talking about the bricks was difficult because it lead to where I was in my last hospitalization, where I wrote the story. I told her how no one was looking at the bricks, that they were just looking for the cement to dry before sending me home, so to speak. That is all they cared about. Stabilization and discharge were the key focus of what they wanted to do. What brought you in the hospital, they didn’t care about. Or if they did, it was always, “we’ll talk about it tomorrow” but never did. I hated that my needs were ignored and patronized. I flatly told them I was going to kill myself when I left the hospital during my initial few days when they wanted to discharge me. And it was true. I needed help and was going to stay inpatient to get that help. Except the help came back to me looking for help from outside services. The social worker that was working with me didn’t care about my needs. I ended up having to call places to look for outside support. I tried to get it but never had a call back or even an email back, though one place the email came back as undelieverable. It was a trying time. I wanted to kill myself so badly and yet I was supposed to make all these phone calls to show that I wanted to live? To do the work my team was supposed to be doing? I just don’t understand their mentality. Yet it has been nine months since I left the hospital. I am still here because the anti depressant they put me on really help stabilize my depression. Too bad it no longer works. I stopped taking it in December.

My therapist thinks I should write a blog about past hospitalizations and current ones. Thing is, I don’t remember much. I know things are different today than they were back then. For example, there are no longer any outside passes given. If you want outside passes, you are basically discharged. When I was in the hospital in August, they wanted to give me grounds privileges. This meant that I could go out for staff walks. I told them adamantly no because I was scared I was going to run. They gave it to me anyway. Granted that at the time, I was in an AFO so I know I wouldn’t get far, but they still took that chance of letting me go. Stupid, I tell ya. I should have gone away from the group and tried to escape. I don’t know what that would look like but I know it wouldn’t be good on either side. I would most likely get reprimanded like a child, even though I am an adult. But that would be on them. I told them I would run and if I did, it was on them, not me.

I remember a time when I was in the hospital 21 years ago. I was severely depressed and suicidal. I had attempted suicide and was hospitalized against my will, in fact the admitting staff forged my signature on the consent form. I went through my records after discharged. Anyway, back then they had ground privileges, which meant you could leave the unit unaccompanied by a staff person. Just as long as you stayed on hospital grounds. Well, I decided to walk around the block after working hours and got “caught” by off duty staff. My privileges were revoked the next day as I broke the “rules”. I never kept my privileges too long. I always did something to revoke them. One weekend I had to beg for an outside pass just to pay a bill (I was there for more than a month and if I didn’t pay the bill, my phone was going to be turned off). I told them I would be back within an hour and I did. It was the first time they trusted me to do this. It was tough because I was so suicidal and they weren’t going to let me try again, hence why my stay was 2 ½ months. That was my longest time in the hospital. It did help me but the demons were still there. I had major issues that I still don’t talk to anyone about, not even my current therapist. It’s just too scary.

Last night I was looking for former therapists. I came across one, Dr. B. She helped me probably more than all the rest. She was the longest therapist that I have seen till that point, three years. All the rest of the therapists that I have seen were year or less. I am going to send her my book and email address. I wrote about her in my book. It was hard not to include her because the opening introduction has her in it as that was my first serious suicide attempt. I had made other attempts before that one, but this one landed me in the hospital and then I was there for a long time. That is when you had good care and one on one contact with someone. Now they have these “teams” where there are all the staff from the unit meet with you for fifteen minutes or so and then decide what to do with you. Fifteen minutes to decide if you need further stay or discharge. It is nothing like the care I had 21 years ago. You met with your inpatient therapist, then a social worker, and then your contact person who was a staff member for that shift. This no longer happens and it’s sad. No longer do you feel safe in the hospital or cared for. It is the end of the era for hospitals. I will never go back, no matter how suicidal I get. They can just kiss my ass goodbye.

Letter writing and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression

As I have my sister’s car while she is away, I took my mother grocery shopping this afternoon. We had lunch afterwards. My ankle wasn’t happy when I woke up this morning but because I am driving, I can’t take my pain meds. I need to pick up my niece in a few hours and really would love just one pain pill. But I just can’t. Her father called and said he will be late tonight because he has an errand to do for my father.

Last night as I was having a difficult time sleeping, I wrote another depressing letter to my therapist. It was another goodbye but thank you letter. It was contradictory to say the least. I am glad I went to sleep before I wrote a similar one to my psychiatrist. If I sent that to her, I think it wouldn’t go too well. I don’t know why I was writing the letter. I guess I had to get things off my chest. The midnight demons were really out. I didn’t get to sleep until around 0200. I took my meds later than I usually do, though I had taken my pain meds around 20:00. I really am glad my therapist doesn’t have email. I would be sending her the most awful letters. But that is what pain mixed with no sleep get me. It brings out the dark side of myself.

Psychosis wise I am doing better. I think the delusions have shrunk a little and I am not so paranoid as I was before. My psychiatrist got back to me late last night and asked how I was. I told her I was still delusional but managing. I haven’t heard from her today. It just sucks because I never know if the psychosis is going to land me in the hospital or not. The only thing that would force the issue would be if the voices were telling me to harm myself. As long as they aren’t commanding, I can deal with them. But it’s a fine line. Sometimes I want the safety of the hospital so that nothing does happen but then I get drugged up pretty good. Or my meds get played with. And I hate that.

I wish I could say I slept late but my mother and brother in law called me around 0830 so I only got around six and a half hours of sleep. It would have been nice to have slept longer. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me later in the morning. She knows that I get up late. My brother in law was concerned because apparently I left my sister’s car open. Why he couldn’t lock the car manually, I have no idea. Every one depends on the clickers these days.

Temps are dropping tonight and I am glad. I can’t stand the hot weather. I like wearing shorts but I hate sweating. I don’t know what the weather is going to be this coming week. As long as it’s in the 50s I will be happy. I checked my bank account and for some reason one purchase I made yesterday still hasn’t posted to my account. I hate when that happens.

Sports and Other Things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Been trying to write today but keep being distracted by Twitter. A lot has been going on today in the sports world. Deflategate has resurfaced and in baseball news, the pitching coach was fired. In addition to that, my *favorite* pitcher got designated for assignment, which means goodbye, see ya, hope to never see you again. He was a good for nothing pitcher, giving up home runs with inherited runners, all the time. He lost more ball games than I can remember winning. Or if we were losing, made sure we really lost. But the firing of the pitching coach, to me, was unexpected. I understand as the pitchers barely went more than three innings the last few games and it’s hard on the bullpen to be called earlier than they should start. Someone had to get chucked and it was the pitching coach. I am sure the hitting coach is probably next if the Sox don’t start hitting. You need good pitchers and hitters to win games, even if it is by one run.

Deflategate is back because the NFL just ruled that the Patriots and their quarterback was “probable” in deflating the balls for a game. No punishment has been issued, officially, but the haters want to see them stripped of the Superbowl title, the QB suspended 2-4 games to a year and the head coach fired. It is ridiculous. I don’t know what is going to happen. I just wish they would hurry up and make a decision so this can all go away. I know every single game this season is going to bring up the deflated balls. I usually don’t listen to the commentary because the game is so fast. I am watching the game more than listening to the “analysis” or prediction of what is going to happen next. It really is stupid. What happens, happens. Next play the QB could trip on his own feet and there is a fumble rather than a great play. You just don’t know. Though the game is a little bit more predictable than baseball. You know the QB is going to throw the ball to someone and hope he catches it.

There is not a Sox game tonight because it is a travel day. They are usually off on Thursdays. I am kind of depressed that there is no game because I have literally nothing to watch. I could watch my shows but my mother is still watching hers. I won’t be able to get the TV until after eight. But my foot/ankle is hurting so unless I got to go to the bathroom, I am not leaving my room.

I had therapy for the third time this week. We talked but it didn’t go anywhere. I swear whenever she says “this is something we need to work on”, I cringe because I know it’s not going anywhere beyond today. I really want to tell her this, but I just let her finish her thoughts on the subject and let them land where they may. Today’s topic was how not to get guilt tripped by my mother and I had to laugh because she, my therapist, guilt trips me all the time. It was a hard session because physically, I didn’t feel well. I kept on getting congested and the post nasal drip was making me very nauseated. There were times during session I couldn’t speak because I didn’t know if I was going to puke or not. Allergies are in full range today and my nose kept on dripping. This is despite taking an antihistamine that is supposed to last 24 hours. Lately, it has been lasting only 18-20. I was also feeling dizzy most of the day, which is weird. I have been keeping up with my fluids so I am not sure why I was dizzy.

Today was the first day in a long time I woke up early (around 0500) and then went back to sleep! It was only for a couple of hours but I went back to sleep. And I didn’t take a mid-morning nap like I usually do. I did try to take an afternoon nap before I picked up my niece but that didn’t work out. I just rested. I still haven’t heard back from my psychiatrist concerning my delusions and what to do with them. I should have paged her last night. I was really in bad shape but I am better today. I talked about it with my therapist as I was paranoid after our session and the voices were watching me most of the day. I ended up taking my meds early and was asleep before ten or there abouts. So I slept almost seven hours straight. I hope to get that much tonight.