Tag: psychotherapy

Happy New Year and all that jazz

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Happy New Year and all that jazz

I wish my readers a Happy New year. I hope this year is better than last year.

As I said in my last blog, I don’t do resolutions and shit. I don’t plan goals or anything. I just go with the flow. I see a lot of people reflecting on this “good” things that have happened to them last year. All I can think about is how I spent most of the year in severe pain, not being listened to by doctors, being a ping pong ball between doctors, just to get a change in pain meds and then planning my death because I had enough. July I was going to end it and that was it. Well, my date came and I didn’t go through with it because I was too afraid I would be found and saved. It was kind of doubtful, but possible. I don’t think I went in the hospital last year or if I did, I don’t remember it as I am not going back, ever again.

I am still feeling kind of crappy and I have therapy tomorrow. I did sleep, finally, but it was at like 5 am or so. My med alarm went off but I didn’t take my meds. I took my mood stabilizer. I kind of been taking them twice a day but if I don’t take the morning dose, I just take the morning dose at night so I have it. I can’t risk becoming hypomania though I thought last night I was going to as I just was so overtired I was hyper. I was wired and not tired. Then I decided to go lay down and try to sleep and my leg jerks causing tremendous pain. There went sleeping. I think I was up at least 38 hours. I slept till around 4. I had something to eat. I made pizza but I only ate half. I am not that hungry. I downed a 16 oz Pepsi. I also had a cup of tea so I am sure I will be peeing a lot. I wanted to get some fluids in me.

I shaved my head again. I am addicted to the bald feel. I can’t help it. Except tonight I used a new razor and got razor burn. My head hurts lol. I didn’t shave my sideburns though. Least I don’t think I did or at least one side. I wanted to see how the bald with sideburns looks. I am experimenting. LOL

I was talking to my sister about my insurance situation. I thought it was going to be a quick, yes you can get rid of Medicare and have them as a secondary. Nope doesn’t work like that. Fuck. I just have noticed a big change in attitude with the docs since being on medicare. Seems I am not getting care I should and then PT has these “requirements” in order to cover a visit because I am on this insurance. I hate being treated like this. I don’t think it is fair that I have to do this extra bullshit because I have chronic pain in my ankle. Then I flare and who takes care of me then? Last night was the same thing after my leg jerked. I have decided to do whatever to lower my pain levels because I get no help from a doctor about it when I tell them repeatedly how things are going. Just because I am fine when I see them then, doesn’t mean later that night I will be or the next day. I am so tired of flares. Maybe that is why the suicidality has come back. I don’t see any other reason. Each flare seems to last for days before I am okay and then I do something like make breakfast and I am in pain the rest of the day. Or I barely move my damn foot/ankle and boom. Pain goes up and I can’t control it. The docs have NOT listened when I tell them moving my ankle causes pain. They don’t know what to do. I can’t walk. I am almost getting to the point where I can’t stand. I feel bad for the people in the UK who has to wait for months, maybe a year, for a doctor appointment just to be told there is nothing they can do. I would be jumping off the nearest bridge. Because by the time they get a doc that gets it, treatment is too late, like it was for me.

I am really depressed. I think that would explain the low appetite, mood being messed up, sleep issues, etc. I just happened to be in it. It came without a warning. But then it always does. Then when I finally realize what the fuck is happening, I am stuck in it and I don’t know how long it is going to stick around. Seems each episode has it’s own length period. I am never clued in as to what that is.

I accessorized my laptop. It was too plain for me. My laptop that needs to be fixed has a bunch of stickers on the lid.

I don’t know when I am going to get it fixed. I am going to try and get it down this year somehow. I am going to try to have this laptop out of my room and at a Starbucks table so I can possible write. Or maybe just get a notebook and write. I don’t know what I will write about. It all depends if this mood/sleep thing eases out. I have been so damn tired and just sleep the day away. I got to get up tomorrow to make some calls to my insurance. I am not sure if I have to call to have the insurance as a secondary or have it as a primary like I want. All because I am disabled this headache is there. I didn’t want to be on Medicare. It is just a thing SSD puts you on but it doesn’t cover prescriptions so what is the point of it, I don’t know. You can see your providers and stuff but you need a secondary insurance to pay the visit completely or have a copay that is smaller than 20% of the visit. I really don’t see that many doctors like I used to. Just my PCP or his colleagues, my psych, and therapist. I see my neuro once a year, unless there is a problem that can’t be solved using email. LOL I also see my repro endo doc which I guess I should call her my TG doc now. So 5 docs. I don’t know when I see her if it will be at the new clinic or if it will be at the same office. My PCP will be at a new office. I will be asking him for a new scripts a week early for my pain meds because I don’t want to come a week later for them. I don’t think that is a big deal but we will see. Bet he says no because he is an asshole.

Editing, therapy, and other bullshit

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Editing, therapy, and other bullshit

I had a good therapy session. We talked about my father and the day he died as well as other stuff he loved to do to make my life miserable. We didn’t end the session on a good note so I was feeling perplexed. I walked to the station, thinking about the things we talked about and decided I was going to get a steak and cheese sub for dinner. I have to remember to bring my inhaler with me now that it is freaking cold. My lung passages doesn’t like the cold air and I have been wheezing and coughing. I came home feeling like shit. Both feet were hurting. I had to wash my jacket and I figured I might as well wash my scarf and hat, too. I don’t know when they were washed last. The jacket smelled so it has been a while.

I went up to my room and texted my middle sister. We talked for a bit. I didn’t tell her how awful I have been feeling. I kind of wanted to but held back. I told my mother I didn’t want a party and she was like what about cake. No one likes the fucking cake. It goes to fucking waste! So I told her to make cupcakes instead and then people can pick it if they wanted to. But I only want my sisters and nieces and nephew. No one else. I guess that was a compromise as I really don’t even want to. I hate my fucking birthday so much. I really wish I wasn’t born some days.

I played with my phone saying I was going to edit my book and as I reached for a long sleeved shirt because I was cold, my damn foot went berserk. Fucking great. I had just taken a breakthrough pill like 10 minutes prior. WTF. My feet were cold so I carefully put my throw on then got my heating pad and gently put that on. Foot is still hurting but heat sometimes helps so here is to crossing fingers. I got my book and my axing tools (highlighter and pencil). I read a few chapters and one chapter got me. I was like shit, I wrote this? Sometimes I am amazed at what I write and other times, I am like that is such shit. One story, I axed a paragraph. I am just barely over 32,000 words for this book. This will bring me under 32,000. Just wonderful. Short story book is short. It is only around 124 pages, which includes the copyright page and title. Maybe I can find a blog or two I can add. I have done a lot of writing since then. But I want this book out by this weekend. I don’t want it sitting around because writing is hard. I worked on this book for two years and after 6 months of not coming up with anything new, I just said fuck it, I am publishing it (after I briefly edited it).

I know I am going to flare tonight. I had to walk to my therapist’s office because I missed the bus and I didn’t feel like waiting 20-25 minutes for the next one. I could walk there faster than that. So I did. And then I walked back. My heel is killing me for some reason. I don’t think it is liking the gel thing I bought anymore. I might have to do without for a while and see how I feel. But right now my CRPS foot is yelling at me. I just stood up to get another Powerade and OMG it screamed. Actually both ankle bones and foot screamed. I was going to take my Neurontin at 9pm but I am taking them with my night meds at 8. Fuck it. I am hurting and I know it is going to be a rough night. It will be a miracle if I sleep before midnight. Just hope tonight isn’t a fucking Christmas tree lighting up night. That is when different parts of my ankle and foot hurt with different pains all over and kind of switch from one area to another and then back again. FUCKING SUCKS!!! I never know what kind of weird pain I am going to be in.

My med alarm updated. So because I have two alerts in the morning for the different meds I take, it cancels out the noise. It will go off and then shut off. I think I will have to take one of the meds off the alert as I take all three together.

An hour ago, I had an anxiety attack which was an hour and a half after I took my night meds which includes Ativan. I knew from last week, it was the beginning of a pain flare. Yup. Suicidal ankle pain has started. I just want to fucking die. I have no idea when I am going to sleep. I am not going to edit my book. I will try tomorrow if I have some clear headed time. Fuck and I wanted to bake cookies tomorrow. Fuck this sucks!!

New Blog Look and Therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

New blog look and therapy

I had an unfortunately reaction today while at Starbucks. I bought their new Morning muffin and though, I can’t quite prove it, it has ginger it in. My throat started to get all scratchy about half way through eating it. I went to see the manager to see what the ingredients were. It just listed “spices”. I sent a message to Starbucks on Twitter to see if they could be more specific. The Benadryl I took earlier has worn off and now I am feeling my throat feel scratchy, sore, and I am all congested. This happened the last time I was exposed. Took two days of non-stop Benadryl to settle it. I hope it doesn’t get worse. I told my mother to check on me when she goes to bed and I asked my sister to hear out for a “thump”, in case my mother has a hypoglycemic episode because there will be nothing I can do. Benadryl makes me dopey.

Therapy was good. I told him of my writing and promoting problems. I told him I would like to talk to the independent bookstore that is down the street from him. I told him I can picture myself going in but not being able to speak or if I do speak, they look at me like I am crazy and kick me out of the store. I need a pitch of some sort and I don’t have one. I never done something like this. He said to put something on my blog so I changed the theme and a friend said it looks more professional. I didn’t want flashy pictures or anything. I wish I could link my books but I haven’t been able to figure that out. Plus with me editing my book right now, I don’t want to link the 2nd book yet. My book is published but a friend said there were errors and I had to find them, and found at least 10 in the first chapter. I am so disappointed in myself as I should have caught them. I found at least 2 in the second chapter. So I will have to reload the file once I am done. I am glad the stories are short, lol. Makes for easier reading and editing. I might change things as I go along or add something. I don’t know yet.

I spent most of my time in therapy talking about writing or reading or blogging. I still have the postcards I bought that are just sitting on my bureau. I had wanted to hand them out at train entrance ways but my biggest fear would be someone reading it and then trashing it. I spent a good amount of money on them and though they might end up in the trash, I rather not in front of me or on the ground. I would mail them but not sure where I can mail them to. It is not like I have a huge mailing list or anything. I just feel stuck. I am not a good self-promoter. That is what stinks when you are a self-publisher. I have been thinking of sending them to my DJs at the radio station I listen to. One of them have been looking for Christmas cards. I bought them today so I think I will slip in a postcard. Might not go anywhere but you never know, which only means I need to really work on the editing this book faster than I wanted to. UGH. It is one thing to have an error on my blog but a book? I just don’t think that is okay, especially as that is MY book! LOL I found the thumb drive that has the last edited copy of the book before I uploaded it to Amazon. Now just got to edit, edit, edit! LOL

I just called the pharmacist to make sure that Benadryl and my pain meds didn’t interact. Fucking stupid allergy! I was panicking. Only thing is that I will be more drowsy, which I am. I won’t be editing tonight as I am just too tired. I hope I can get some work in tomorrow. I am not doing anything. I got therapy again on Wed, off Thurs, and then seeing my psych Friday where I will be having my bloodwork checked again. I am not sure if I will have to go to the pedi blood draw place, which I hated, or the adult one. My psych is a child psychiatrist as I started seeing her when I was 17. If I can choose, I prefer the adult one. Much better phlebotomists! I am feeling better so I am sure the sodium is close to normal. I still get tired after I do things but it’s mostly when I go out then come home. Even a trip to the pharmacy up the street from me will tire me out. I am not sure if that is just my chronic pain fatigue or the low sodium tired or both.

I want to make cookies tomorrow but I am not sure I will be able to because I have the editing to be done. I might do it Wed. I bought the chips a while ago but haven’t had a chance to use them. I was going to make beet brownies but I suck at making brownies. I like cookies better! I am the cookie monstah!! Ha ha.

When you want to sleep but your brain has a million things to think of so you write a blog!

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

When you want to sleep but your brain has a million things to think of so you write a blog!

I had a good appointment with my psychiatrist today. We went back and forth over what might be the cause of my sodium being low or rather me feeling crummy (she too, doesn’t think it is causing me to feel fatigued and crummy, UGH). I am a medical mystery. Well last night I got pissed off because no one was listening and decreased my damn oxcarb! I felt a little better today but I am still so fucking tired from going out. I left early and the fucking bus was late which threw me in a tizzy because I can understand the bus being late once or twice, but all the fucking time now and I have no idea why!! And the T doesn’t fucking care or sends you alerts AFTER the bus comes to the stop taking you to your destination.

Anyway, my psych doesn’t mind decreasing the oxcarb. I knew she wouldn’t. She isn’t a drug pusher like some docs. She wanted to lower my Invega but I am really on the lowest dose and it is an extended release pill so I can’t cut it. I am not taking much Ativan. Other than my breakthrough meds, I am not taking many meds during the day to cause me to be drowsy. I think the espresso carries me through until it wears off and then I crash. The sucky part of all of this is that I am not seeing my therapist and I HATE this part of the feeling crummy deal. I have to cancel Monday because this isn’t an easy fix. I might be able to see him Wed. She wants me to go down to 600/day by the next time I see her. She wants me to lower the dose in like 4 days but I am waiting a week until going down further because I know my body and I don’t want to go through withdrawal. Trust me, I went through it a few times and it isn’t pleasant! I am going to do some adjusting on my part as I will need to take it twice a day. It was a problem before as I wasn’t taking things twice a day and I would always miss my dose so I just took it at night. I was at 600 mgs until about 4 years ago when the hypomania came back and I had to take the 1200 mg. Now that I am taking meds in the morning, it won’t be that big a deal unless my pain makes me miss a dose but I will just take it when I get up because withdrawal sucks!! So I will have plenty of Trileptal for a while.

My pain has been mumbling most of the day today. I thought I was going to flare when I got home as while I was walking, my ankle starting hurting really bad. But nothing bad happened so maybe the AFO was irritating it or something. It is still early in the evening though so pain o’clock hasn’t come yet.

Don’t know if I mentioned this in yesterday’s blog but my barber was telling me his 4 year old son is carrying around my book and asks that it be read to him every day. I thought that was so cute so I bought him Anne Wheaton’s kid’s book called Piggy and Pug. It is a very cute story about adopting pets. I think that will be better suited.

I am so tired. It will be another hour before I can take my night meds. Hope the Ativan in it calms my fricken brain! Nothing worse than thinking a million things and not sleeping. It is going to be really cold as the temp is going to drop during the night. There might be snow this weekend, then will be 50 degrees for a day just to tease us then back to cold. I hope that by Tuesday I am feeling a little better. I don’t know if the 1L restriction is still in place or not. But seeing as I haven’t moved my bowels in a week, that isn’t happening until I shit again. I feel so uncomfortable. I probably will feel better when I go. I thought I was going to go today but it was a false alarm. I was going to take some more Miralax when I came home but once I got into my bed after changing, I didn’t want to go back downstairs and tried the nap thing that failed! I took 3 fiber pills so I am hoping for either colon blow or a big dump followed by colon blow. I’d be happy with a little dump at this point just so I know something is moving!