Tag: schizoaffective disorder

cold dreary raw day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Cold dreary raw day

My groceries came earlier than the scheduled time. I was glad. I feel like shit and just wanted to rest. It’s cold and rainy out so I really don’t feel like leaving the house. I want to make my ribs but I don’t even have energy for that. I just feel so depressed today. I emailed my psychiatrist about things. I don’t think she will be able to do much for me. She wants me to go into the hospital but I don’t feel like bothering. I wish just wishing to die would work.

It takes about 20 minutes to heat up the ribs. I wish I had the energy to do it. I just want to stay in my warm bed and sleep. My bad ankle is acting up because of the weather. It doesn’t like the cold and it doesn’t like the rain/dampness. I feel so out of touch with reality, like things are moving in slow motion today. I was fine when I put my groceries away and now I just feel like a lump on a log, a sorry excuse for a human being.

I am in so much pain today that I can’t make myself something to eat. I told my psychiatrist this. She was willing to send EMS to my house to get me to the hospital. I told her I don’t want to go. They won’t help me. No one can really help me. I am just going through the motions of living, whatever that is. I don’t know why things are so bad today. I keep crying but I don’t have any emotions that are with it. I guess I am just frustrated. So damn frustrated that I am in pain and I don’t have any relief. Yes, I could take my pain meds but it won’t help my psychache at all, no matter how many I take.

I haven’t felt psychache this bad in months. I don’t know why today it’s hitting me so hard. It’s like a crushing weight on my chest and I can’t breathe. I know I might feel better if I eat something. Sometimes low blood sugar can cause my emotions to be hundred time worse than what they really are. I just don’t have any motivation to get out of bed, turn the oven on, wait for it to preheat, take the ribs out of the package (a real hassle because you don’t want the BBQ sauce to get every where), and then put them on the pan. Too many spoons for one simple meal. I don’t need to make sides or anything, though I did think of making biscuits. I bought them a month ago. I hope they are still good. They are still in a can and you just bake them for like 20 minutes or so.

My Australian friend’s package has arrived today. I will ship it out tomorrow. There is no way I am doing it today. I will let him know it came and that I will ship it out soon. I feel so depleted today. I just want to sleep. I am going to try and make the ribs first. I need something to eat as I am hungry. I hope it makes me feel a little better afterwards.

a real exhausting day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

A real exhausting day

I didn’t go to sleep till around 4ish and then woke up around 8. I went to the bathroom and then I went back to sleep after I took my blood pressure pill. I slept for the next few hours and did not want to leave my bed at all. I needed to shower so I did that. I came back to my room and I was exhausted. It was around 1300 and I needed to leave the house in an hour. I thought about canceling therapy but it was too late for that. I fiddled with my computer and then got dressed.

I went to Starbucks and had something to eat with my espresso. I really didn’t want to do anything. I tried writing and didn’t get too far. I didn’t want to work on my blog project. I just wanted therapy hour to hurry up so I could go home and sleep.

Therapy came and we mostly talked about my father. I didn’t feel better talking about him. It was old news. The therapist was pissing me off because he was picking at his nails or cleaning them, I am not sure which but it was annoying. Towards the end of session, he wanted me to do something nice for myself tomorrow on my father’s anniversary. I said the only nice thing I do is buy myself a cup of coffee at Starbucks. That is usually a treat for me. Gets me out of the house for a little while. So he said that was doable. Then he said our time was over and I left.

I caught the train I usually miss so I was able to catch the bus home earlier than I usually do. I was going to get a burrito but I will get it tomorrow when I am out, if I do go out. Everything is up in the air at this point. I am really tired and just want to take my night meds and crash. I had some motivation to work on my blog project on the way home but that went out the window soon as I came to my room. I was hot and sweaty because I wore my winter coat and it wasn’t that cold out today. My ankle is starting to flare so I am not going to eat anything but pain meds right now.

My PCP’s office called me. My prescription is ready for pick up so I will go into town tomorrow to get it. I only have 4 pills left. I will go to Walgreens afterwards to get it filled. Guess I won’t be changing my sheets tomorrow like I had planned. My cousin just texted me and now I feel all depressed because instead of enjoying her retirement, she is taking care of my aunt full-time. I am happy that she is but I know how stressful it can be. Caretaking is so difficult.

Sunday Mass

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Mass

My family went to the Sunday mass for my father’s remembrance. It was a quick mass and the priest said his name correctly. It was touching. Afterwards we went out for breakfast at my new favorite place down the street from where we live. It was good until I spilled juice on my niece. My hands were greasy and I didn’t have a good hold on the cup. I felt like an idiot.

My nephew had a hard time with things today. He was close to his grandfather. It’s hard on the kids more than my sisters. It’s such a huge void in their lives.

I am still feeling the grief of my father. I can’t believe he has been gone a year. It’s been a difficult year. I don’t know how I managed with just one hospitalization. I know there have been times this year that I needed to go in but I didn’t for one reason or another. I just don’t find them useful anymore. Sure, it’s a place to be safe at but they really don’t offer much in ways of coping with stress or dealing with your issues. Most times, they just check you in and then discharge you before you are ready to leave. I hate that and it usually leads to people being readmitted a few days later. The mental health system sucks.

This afternoon, I am going south of Boston to see my friends and go out to dinner. It’s not raining but it is cold. It should be a good time. I am really looking forward to it. I am in pain but I think if I rest now, I should be fine by the time I have to leave. I have to look at the bus schedules and see which one comes first. There are two buses that go to the station I need to go to. There are no buses to the Square today. I would have to get off at another square and walk up the street, which would suck and wear me out so I am not doing that. I do have to change trains but I am going to get off at Downtown Crossing, go to Starbucks, and then catch the red line. I need espresso today because I woke up so friggen early for mass and I never got up to make my coffee. I could make it now but Starbucks espresso would be better. I will only have two shots because it will be late in the afternoon and I don’t want to be up all night.

I filled my med box last night when I couldn’t sleep. I made sure to put my trilafon in. I forgot to put it in last week so I missed a couple days. I always forget because the pill bottle is by my bed not on my bureau where the other meds are. I have it close to me because I need to take a 1 PM dose. That is how I take it. It works well for me and I have no side effects that are noticeable.

I just went “shopping” on Amazon. This place is like crack to me. I spend so much money I should have stock in it. I rebought the things that got lost in the mail a few weeks ago for my friend and also some stuff for another friend in Australia. It’s going to be fun shipping that to him. There were only 4 left in stock so I bought 2 packages and then paid for it. I was going to wait until tomorrow when I got paid but I didn’t want to risk losing it as he really needs this item. It’s not available where he is. I am just happy to help him.

Random 334

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random 334

I had a good sleep. I then made lunch. I heated up some ribs that I bought. It was half a rack and they were yummy. I ate the whole thing. I still am pretty full so I don’t think I will have anything else tonight. I might have cereal if I get hungry. As I went out on the porch to grab a soda, I found the box of cocoa pebbles that I knew I had. I didn’t put it in the cabinet. It was on the chair that is out there. In my recent grocery delivery, I bought three boxes so I wouldn’t run out. Now I have four. I just wish I bought some almond milk but by the time I thought of it, it was past the deadline to add stuff to the order. I will just grab it at Walgreens the next time I go.

I spent the day resting my leg and ankle today. I was in a lot of pain last night and had to take two strong pain meds to quiet down the intensity. I shouldn’t have gone up the stairs at the train station. I thought I could handle it. I thought wrong. Going down the stairs is easier for me than going up. And then having to walk to my therapist’s office was a killer.

Late last night, I emailed my psychiatrist to ask her if she thought I needed therapy. I felt like I was handling things okay since my other therapist basically dumped me. I really don’t know if going to therapy is going to help me at this point in my life. I have been going for so long that I kind of enjoyed the break. I am not saying it made me less suicidal or anything. I do know that since increasing the Zoloft dose, I have been able to cope with things better. Pain bothers me but doesn’t send me to a suicidal crisis every time I have a flare up. I have been managing my pain a little better, though I don’t really know what has been different. I guess being able to use my strong pain meds more liberally has been a help. Before that, I was just taking it when I was at a suicidal point. Now I take it before I reach that and the pain usually quiets down so I can manage.

My psychiatrist wrote back to me this morning and said yes, I need therapy and that I should be in it for six months. I cringed. That seems like an awfully long time to know if this is going to work or not. My biggest fear is being dumped again. I don’t have the sense that this guy is going to do that but I didn’t think that after 16 years, my former therapist and I would call it quits either.

My therapist that I am seeing calls losing my former therapist a loss. I try not to think about it much because it’s like this huge hole inside me. She hurt me a lot by ending it and not being able to work on what wasn’t working. Maybe we just reached the end of the line and there was nothing to do but terminate in the end. She still has not called me about my things being ready to be picked up. I definitely want my bears back. I don’t care so much about the paperwork and books. But I want my Johnny, Bucky, and Amelia. If I don’t hear from her next week, I will text her. Her billing still hasn’t fixed their error. I have no idea what I owe her and I refuse to pay her until it’s sorted out.

It’s that hour where my ankle/foot/toes go berserk. I am in pain, again, even though I haven’t done anything the past hour. That is the frustrating part of this condition, that I will be in pain if I do nothing or do something. Damned if I do and damned if I don’t. I need to take my night meds soon. I hope the nap I took in the afternoon didn’t screw up my sleep. It was a good nap, though I dreamt I went to China and the smell made me sick. Weird.