Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Reading and other things on my mind

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Reading and other things on my mind

Early yesterday morning I was drinking coffee and reading Neil Gaiman’s new book, Norse Mythology. It is excellent so far. I am really enjoying it. It has to be the first book that I can say that about in a long time. I wanted to get back to it when I got home from my activities but I was too exhausted and in too much pain to read. Later today when I make my coffee, I will read some more. I hope to be finished with it by Sunday. It’s not a big book.

Pain is keeping me up. I took my meds but I don’t think it will help as the pain is coming in spurts rather than being constant. It flashes for a minute or two and then stops. It is very annoying. Now I am dealing with burning pain so I took some Neurontin. I also took some Ativan and a trilafon because I am agitated and hearing voices. The voice is a cartoon character and it keeps telling me to “do it, you know you want to” over and over again. I have tried to shut out the voice but it keep invading my thoughts so I took a trilafon to ease it. I hope the psychosis isn’t because of the hypomania I had earlier today. I am hoping to get the voice under control or I will have to call my psych, who probably will want me hospitalized. Thing is, I don’t know what exactly the voice is telling me to do. Very weird and frustrating.

I am very tired but not sleepy. I am having anxiety due to PTSD because I am afraid to lie down for fear of the pain getting worse. And because I can’t lie down, I can’t sleep. It usually takes me several tries before I can lie down and actually sleep. It’s so frustrating. I wish there was a ritual or some kind of routine I could do to ease the anxiety but the pain is unpredictable. Sometimes it happens and sometimes it doesn’t. Or I will be just to the point of going to sleep and the pain will intensify. So damn annoying.

I wish I could sleep sitting up but it hurts my back after a while. Eventually, I do lie down, but only when I am exhausted. I am hoping the Ativan works soon as it’s past my witching hour where I stay up all night. I really don’t want to fall asleep at 0400 or later. That will just suck.

hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Hypomania and chronic pain do not mix

I woke up with energy for the first time in months. I needed a coffee so I made some and that really energized me. I went to the post office only to be turned down because their network was down and couldn’t do anything except sell stamps. So I walked back home with my packages. I was getting really antsy and was in a really good mood. I didn’t think anything of it.

I patiently waited for the next bus to come but I couldn’t sit still. I went to Walgreens to drop off my prescription and then waited at the bus stop. The pharmacy didn’t have a line so I was in and out. The next bus wasn’t for another half hour. The weather was warm so I didn’t mind waiting the half hour. I was in shorts. In February! It reached the highest temp on record today of 74 degrees. I was feeling really good and felt like I could walk to the Square but I didn’t. The bus came and I went to Starbucks.

I had something to eat and 4 shots of espresso. I figured that it would slow me down. Nope, it just sped me up. Holy fucking shit I was in a hypomanic state! I started writing in my journal. I still had about an hour and a half before I had to leave for my psych appointment. There was a guy that was on his phone while his laptop was on. He was playing some kind of game and he was just making me nervous because he kept popping up and down, while drinking his coffee. And I was the manic one…yea okay. As I was writing and playing on my phone checking Twitter, the time passed and I went to leave. I didn’t finish the espresso. I was so wired I could fly.

I got my monthly T-pass and got on the train. I didn’t have to wait as one was pulling in the station as I got to the platform. I tried to rest while I was on the train but that wasn’t happening. My eyes felt like they had toothpicks in them to keep them open. I was so fucking wired. I couldn’t wait to get off my stop. I still had a few minutes before my appointment so I went to the bathroom. The handicapped stall was taken so I had to use the regular stalls. I hate them because they are so tiny. If they just made them a little bigger, you might not feel so claustrophobic. After I did my business, I went to my appointment. I had to wait for my psych, who always runs late. Today she wasn’t too bad. I was glad because there was a kid having a meltdown in the office waiting area and I didn’t want to see what happened next.

I told my psych that I felt good and was probably hypomanic. I told her it’s most likely a 24-48 hour thing. Very rarely it goes beyond that for me. She wants me to let her know how my sleep is and stuff or if I get worse. I jokingly asked her if she wanted my credit cards to hold. She said I wasn’t a spender (which I am not). I did buy another book though on the ride home. I won’t be seeing her next week because I have a class that I am taking on promoting your book. She wants me to call her. Here I was thinking I could get away from her for a week and then she wants me to call her. Dammit. We made an appointment for the week after.

She had asked about therapy and I told her the therapist that I have been leaving messages to hasn’t returned my calls or emails. So she is going to look for someone for me. If it doesn’t work out, I guess I will call the referral line that I did today and see if I can get someone mediocre.

I called my mother to see if she needed anything at Walgreens. She wanted me to get her prescription and some black pepper that was on sale. I told her she can make whatever she wanted for dinner as I bought a burrito. As I was walking to the store, an old lady in a boat sized car blocked the crosswalk so I had to walk around the car. The street was filled with potholes and I missed one with my bad foot. My ankle didn’t like that at all. There was a little bit of a wait at the pharmacy and then I had to hunt down the pepper my mother wanted. My ankle was fucking screaming at this point. I still felt good despite the pain, which is weird because pain usually brings me down. Even now as I am waiting for the pain meds to kick in I am feeling pretty upbeat. Thank you hypomania. My ankle has warned me that I wasn’t doing anything the rest of the day. When I said that to my mother, she quipped, “you don’t do anything anyways”. Thanks, ma. That got me really angry and you don’t want to anger a manic person. I still am ticked off about it. Next time she can get her own damn black pepper and prescription!

I really hope that I can stay in my room and not do too much standing, walking or use the stairs unless I need to go to the bathroom. I also told my psych that I haven’t had a BM since Mon or Tues. She was shocked. I told her it’s because of the strong pain pill, which I hope not to take today but I might have to if the regular pain meds don’t work. She asked what do I do to go and I said I take fiber pills and senna when I know I am not going out. So this weekend, that is what I will be doing until I go. I also take magnesium to help with the spasms and bowels. I had styled my hair today as I got a haircut the other day. My psych said it looks good. That’s good because I felt naked most of the day without wearing my hat! It just is weird because I always wear it whenever I am out so it felt really funny without it.

Today was the start of spring training. I need to get my Sox hats out. I also need to get a new one. It’s been more than 10 years since I last bought a Sox hat, not that my hats are falling apart or anything but I just would like something new. I lost my favorite Sox hat a couple years ago while I was at my cousin’s house. She wasn’t able to find it. I loved that hat.

Sundays are made for sleeping

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Sundays are made for sleeping

Sundays are made for sleeping, when you are in pain and wake up in the early morning hours. I’m lucky my mother made dinner tonight as it hurt my ankle just to make some coffee. I got a Neurontin hangover because I took some more of it at like 5 am. It’s been close to 12 hours since my last dose of pain meds so I am feeling dizzy. I took a pill before dinner but it hasn’t kicked in yet. I am tempted to take the stronger pain pill. I was making sure there was nothing on my foot and accidently touch the sore part of my ankle. Now my pain is through the fucking roof. I just want to go back to sleep, and I might do just that.

I have been having suicidal urges since getting up at 1400. I still have to think seriously about this. Part of me wants to call my psych and part of me wants to say the hell with it. Only problem is that I don’t have the energy to go through with it. I have no motivation to put the plan in place. So I do nothing.

I have several things I need to do in my room. I need to empty the recycle bin and my trash bin by the bed. I also need to fill my pill box for the week. This tiredness that I feel is compromising me. I just want to sleep but I also don’t want to take out each pill individually when it’s time to take my night meds. I rather have them all in the box and then dump them out to take them. Just for the day, not the week.

It reached 55 degrees out. In February. In Boston. WTF. And I can’t enjoy it because I feel like a zombie and my ankle is hurting. Least the snow we got last weekend is melting. This week, I got to get new glasses. My eyesight has been giving me problems and I think it’s because the glasses are not as good as they should be. My prescription has changed but I haven’t been able to finagle getting them because of other expenses. I also need to replace my foam topper on my bed because it’s falling a part and not supporting me the way it used to. I found a gel topper for under $100 for my bed size so I will get that. I also found some flannel sheets that I like. I just hope they fit.

I needed to go to Walgreens to pick up my script of Zoloft. I will have to pick it up tomorrow if the pharmacy is open. Tomorrow is a holiday so I am not sure if they will have different hours or will be closed. I’ll go anyway to buy more dark chocolate. It’s been helping my mood. I have one or two pieces a day so I don’t think it will affect my weight much. I am not eating the whole package at once. But the chocolate is on sale so I would like to get more at that price if I can.

Saturday Blog 75

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Saturday Blog 75

I just had a frustrating conversation with my mother. She wants me to go to a specific hospital because they are “bone specialists”. I told her I went there before and they didn’t help me. She thought I was bullshitting her. I am so fucking mad. She doesn’t understand this is a pain syndrome and nothing can be done for it. Then my sister says I should walk more. Really?? I can barely make it to Walgreens and back without problems during a flare up and that is a SHORT fucking walk. So glad I have such a supportive family.

I finally took a shower at like 5 this morning. I was up and pain was minimal so I took a quick one. I went back to sleep for a few hours after taking some Neurontin. I tried to sleep it off but it wasn’t going to happen. I made coffee and had some muffins my mother made for breakfast. I felt like I was drunk and I have been up since. Then my ankle flared up again so I had to take the strong pain pills. I didn’t want to because it was early in the day but I was in severe pain. Then my leg started cramping which set off my PTSD anxiety. Just fucking lovely. I had to take an Ativan to calm down. I still haven’t taken a damn nap though I want to so bad. I got a migraine that is killing me and I won’t be taking the Zoloft again tonight. I can’t take it because there could be an interaction with my migraine meds.

I am so damn frustrated and just want to die. I was writing in my journal last night till around 3 in the morning. I wrote my frustration of not being able to make an attempt last week because I wasn’t sure if the pills were going to kill me or just make me sick. I was suicidal again last night as I was writing and then I wrote an angry rant to my psychiatrist that I wrote in my journal. It had a little more to it as I wrote more as I was writing it out. Then I tweeted what I wrote but didn’t allow it to be posted to Facebook. I didn’t want my family to read what I posted. Not that they would as it was so early in the morning but I didn’t want someone calling my sister telling them I was suicidal again. I still don’t know what “friend” called my sister that time I was posting Pearl Jam lyrics. Pisses me off that they would go through her rather than talk to ME directly.

I wanted to contact my psych today but I don’t want to bother her. She has a three day weekend so I don’t want to disturb her. It would just be a check in but I am not feeling like talking after the frustration of my family. I still so want to attempt to kill myself but I don’t have the means and that frustrates me. Maybe I will go to a state that sells firearms without a background check or is willing to sell firearms to mentally ill people as they are revoking that background check, thank you, Congress! Not that I know how to operate a firearm, but I am sure I can get instructions. If a toddler can fire one, I am sure I can.

I’m ordering pizza and fries for dinner tonight. I have been craving pizza all day. I’m getting hungry just thinking about it. I blame all the Neurontin that I have been taking for these cravings. My vision is starting to be affected because of the migraine so I will stop here.