Tag: schizoaffective disorder

random shit to say when you are in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Random shit to say when you are in pain

I really wanted to make my Nantucket cranberry cake today but my ankle is just not cooperating and neither is my energy level. I am so tired from pain meds to keep the pain from spiraling out of control, which doesn’t help the energy or motivation to bake anything. I wanted to get it done today because my mother will be making pies tomorrow and it’s just a disaster in the kitchen when she bakes. There is not enough room for two cooks. Plus, we will need the same bowls and stuff so I should be able to make my cake some time tonight I hope.

I hate saying I am giving up because that to me sounds so final. I usually call Uncle and see if the mercy gods will oblige. But I called UNCLE and gave in to taking two pain meds, which most likely will knock me out before I take my night meds. If my mother goes to my aunt’s house in the morning, it will be the only opportunity I have to bake my cake. Part of me doesn’t want to do it but I bought the ingredients for it and if I don’t use them, it will go to waste. I called my mother and she has a few errands tomorrow to make so I will have the kitchen to myself for a little while. I just hope I don’t wake up too groggy.

Today didn’t start out to well. I woke up at 0530 to pee and then when I returned to my room, my ankle acted up. By the time I fell back to sleep it was around 7ish. And I have been sleeping on and off for most of the day. Only time I forced myself awake was when I had therapy this afternoon. It didn’t go well. She was in an anxious talkative mood and I just wanted silence. I really didn’t want the session to begin with but she refused to cancel, even though I tried early enough, before her blessed 24 hour rule. Tomorrow I am supposed to talk to her at the same time and I just don’t want to. I just don’t find therapy useful for me anymore. It’s been that way for a while now. No matter how many times I bring it up, she still insists on meeting. We don’t really “meet”, just talk on the phone, which used to be great but now I hate it. I do try and meet in person at least a few times a month if I am able to get a Zipcar.

I really hate being in pain. I need to take my night meds so I can go to sleep, though for some reason, instead of making me sleepy, they keep me awake. Sometimes I am able to be asleep by 2300. And other times I am not and I am up past midnight. It sucks because then I can get overtired. Then painsomnia keeps me up more. If the pain is really bad, I am usually then hit with suicidal thoughts and wanting to end my life very badly. But I am unable to do anything right then and there because I can’t walk. Being on my foot hurts so all I can do is stay in bed, in agony. Like today. For most of the day, I just been off my feet, sleeping, but the pain still persists. I hate it. I hate my life. I hate me.

another aggravating therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another aggravating therapy session

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote last night. She called it the “Russian Roulette” plan, which I guess it is. She asked what went on with my psychiatrist’s appointment and I told her we talked about my suicidality. Then out of fucking no where, she starts saying it’s good that she knows about negative symptoms, that I feel nothing, etc. I just told her to shut up. That isn’t what we talked about and I just sent/wrote that blog last night. I have no idea if my psychiatrist has read it, yet. But my stupid therapist likes to conjure up these scenarios in her head about what goes on in my life no matter if they are true or not.

I got so damn frustrated that I told her I didn’t want to talk with her today. I had a crappy sleep, woke up early, and have been in pain most of the day. She then asks if anything exciting has gone on in my life. Are you fucking kidding me? She obviously didn’t want to deal with my suicidality. And frankly, I was glad because I don’t want to deal with it either.

We talked about the holiday for a little bit. I told her I would be making my cranberry cake. I didn’t tell her I planned on making it today, if I found the energy. I might make it later this afternoon. She asked if I felt any grief and I said no. Then she asked about dreams. She was fishing for anything to talk about. She wanted to know if I was coming out to see her next week. I told her no because I can’t afford it. I need to get Christmas gifts for my family. Not really expensive things but just a little something.

Throbbing pain and suicidal thinking

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Throbbing pains and suicidal thinking

I knew I was going to be in severe pain tonight. What I wasn’t expecting was the stupid pain to change course on me. I usually have three metatarsals (bones in the foot) that hurt me every night. Now there are six of them. If I didn’t just have foot X-rays, I would probably get them again. Of course, there is nothing wrong with my bones. They just throb and throb every single night. Then I have my ankle deciding to join in the fun and it keeps me awake when I want to sleep.

I knew I should have tried to take a nap earlier this evening. Around 1730 or so, I was really tired from the migraine I had and everything was bothering me, lights and sounds mostly. Then my face went numb so I took my migraine meds. I should have taken a nap but it was too early to sleep and I knew I would be up if I did. Now I am shooting myself in the foot, so to speak.

I have my phone on vibrate because I can’t stand noises, even though the migraine has gone away now. I need to change the ringtone for my text messages. But there really isn’t any good ringtones on my phone that I like. I would love to get the Star Trek Next Gen communicator ringtone but I haven’t been able to find an app that has it. I think by now they have come out with the real comm badge that is a Bluetooth communicator. I would get one but it’s $80. Way out of my budget. If I strike it rich on my birthday, I will consider getting it. That is if I don’t go through with my plan.

I know I have been talking a lot about my plan and yet I am still here. Honestly don’t know why I am still here, but I am. Guilt is one reason. My fucking idiotic therapist is another. And of course my psychiatrist, who I value her trust in me more than anything. I can’t whole heartedly go ahead with my plan knowing that a) it might not work the way I want it to (meaning I will survive) and b) if I do die, the pain I will cause those left behind. It’s a burden on me knowing that I will cause suffering to those I love more than anything.

I was reading a blog today from a friend I know in Ireland. She has DID and was in emotional turmoil. She needed to hear from her therapist to calm her down. I remember the days when I needed the same thing from my therapist or psychiatrist. But since the psychosis that has happened this year and the medication I take for it, I no longer feel that connection. I feel disconnected from my feelings, all together and it worries me because other than feeling really suicidal or depressed, I really don’t feel much else. Maybe anger occasionally and grief, but no sense of connection to the people I care about. There used to this connection but I no longer feel it. I have been cut off from it. I guess it started when I realized my father wasn’t going to make it earlier this year. I remember being in the hospital room with the PA while she was telling us the oncologist was not going to pursue anymore treatment options for my father and that it was only a matter of time that he was going to die. My father was wrapped up in the blankets in his hospital bed, trying to sleep. I have no idea if he was hearing the conversation or not. That is when we started looking for nursing homes for him. It was a hard decision and it was difficult to bear. I don’t think the month of April is ever going to be the same for us again.

While my father was dying from his disease, my depression was out of control. Then I became psychotic after his death, even while taking the meds for it. The voices told me to stop taking it so I did. I got worse. Then I went on another medication because I had to take something for it. The voices were commanding me to take bottles of my pills and telling me everyone was going to kill me, including my lovely psychiatrist. Now that I am back in control again, I feel different. I feel shielded, like I have emotion but I don’t. They are useless to me. My doc wants me to take a lower dose of this medication but I have tried to and it just doesn’t help me to be on a low dose. I need to take two doses a day to feel stable. It might be causing me to feel like a robot at times but it’s keeping the delusions, paranoia, and voices under control. It’s been five months now that I have been feeling disconnected but I really don’t want to be plugged in. It’s better this way. The only time I feel out of sorts is when my pain is out of control and the anxiety takes over. That is when I feel most dysregulated and suicidal. It is at these times that I come up with plans to kill myself because I want to end it all. Sadly, the way I feel right now, I could just toss a coin and see if I should die or live. Heads I live, tails I die. I don’t care anymore. If my favorite holiday wasn’t coming in the next few days, I might toss that coin. Until then, I will wait till next week and then toss that coin.

Sunday Blog 21

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 21

My mother needed eggs so I went to the store to get some as they were on sale. She could have told me this when I went to the grocery store yesterday but she didn’t. Idiot. She makes me so mad because she just thinks that I am an able bodied person that can do things.

I still need to find a 10 inch pie plate to make my cake. I was going to use a square pan but it’s 11 inches and I think it would be too big. I am going to see if I can just get a disposable pan at Walgreens or the dollar store.

My brother in law took out my AC this morning. I am glad because there is going to be possible snow tomorrow. Figures because I was planning on going to the Museum of Fine Arts. I still haven’t figured out how to get to the green line to get there. I guess I will have to take the bus to the orange line and then transfer. That will be the easiest way. But it means no Starbucks. I will have to make it at home. I made it today and it was perfect. The half and half was good and didn’t curdle.

My mother made a stir fry for dinner instead of stuffed chicken breasts. I like the stir fry better so I am glad she made it. She also made baked potatoes. I usually add salt and butter to it but tonight I couldn’t be bothered so just ate it plain. It was okay. I am not a huge baked potato fan. I usually like them mashed or in a salad of some sort. My favorite is when my mother makes them in a vinegar salad. I think it’s healthier than with mayonnaise or mashed.

Before dinner, I laid down because I was feeling really sleepy. My mother called just when I was about to hit some deep sleep so I feel kind of groggy. So of course, my ankle has decided to flare up. I am so sick of being in pain. If it wasn’t Thanksgiving this week, I might attempt. I just don’t care anymore. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow and fill my prescription. I wish it was a lethal dose of doxepin. Fat chance of ever getting that again. I will drop it off before heading to the museum, if the weather permits.

Now that I know my mother isn’t going to be calling me so I can take my pain meds and head toward oblivion. Least I hope to. Never know with chronic pain. I filled my med box this morning as I was up early to allow my brother in law access to my AC. I still have three hours before I can take them. So damn long. I think I am going to crash and hope that it doesn’t keep me up all night. Sometimes I can wake up from a nap, take my meds, and then fall back to sleep. I know I have been up and down the stairs most of the day, which doesn’t help my ankle pain. I need a shower but it’s not happening tonight. I have been running hot and cold all day today, not mood wise but feeling wise. I was wicked hot when I came back from the store and then I was freezing cold when I went to make my lunch. I just couldn’t get warmed up. Now I am feeling hot again. I was wearing my new Nebraska fleece pullover. It was warm and the sleeves are too long for me (I am short so men’s XL’s don’t always fit right). I was disappointed it didn’t have pockets. But I love it just the same. Now I just have to get a Nebraska hat and I will be set.