Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Sunday Blog 20

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 20

I totally got the times for today’s games all messed up. I knew the Sox game was in the evening and I also thought the Pats game was, too. Fortunately, the Pats were on at 1 so I could watch both games without having to switch channels.

My mother made a gravy today. It smelled so nice. I love the smell of Sunday gravy. While I was watching the game, I was stirring it occasionally. The meat wasn’t done yet so I didn’t have any. But it smelled awesome. Then while we were finished with dinner, I went to throw away some napkins. I literally took about 1 and a half steps when my ankle got into intense pain. I couldn’t move or stand on my left foot. I hobbled back to my chair and sat for a few minutes. It wasn’t passing so I then hobbled to my room upstairs. My ankle didn’t like it one bit but I was hot and needed to rest the damn thing. I couldn’t do that from the kitchen. Fucker that it is.

I put the AC on in my room and tried to rest it when I realized I hadn’t filled my med box for the week. I took some pain pills and waited a little bit. I was really sleepy and wanted to go back to sleep so I decided to fill my box despite the pain. I was careful not to put my full weight on my foot and I was close to the bed so I could lean on it. My ankle has been kind of bothering me most of the day but it just got worse when I went to throw out those napkins. I guess the walk I took yesterday really messed up my ankle and I didn’t realize it. Oh well. Guess I won’t be going to the MFA this week like I was hoping to.

I don’t understand how my ankle gave out on me as I really didn’t do anything today. I took a nap for most of the afternoon during halftime that just leaked over to the rest of the game. The Pats had the lead and I was sure they would have the win, even though in the last quarter was a little hairy. My sister was panicking and having heart attacks. I was glad I didn’t watch it.

Now I just got to wait an hour before the Sox game starts. I don’t know if I am going to be up because of the meds I took. I also had to take an Ativan because of cramping. It may or may not knock me out. I am frustrated that I am in pain for no reason. I could see if I did something to cause myself pain, but I really didn’t do anything I don’t normally do. Carrying a napkin isn’t heavy and I didn’t walk far to the barrel. It’s just so annoying.

Another good game day

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, college football, depression, mood disorders

Another good game day

Before the games started, I decided to walk to Dunkins to get some donuts. I barely made it there and knew I couldn’t walk back. I got my donuts and then crossed the street to catch the bus home. The box they put the donuts in was flimsy and I almost dropped my delicious sweetness a few times but didn’t. My ankle is now killing me and I have been trying to stay off it but watching the games made it difficult to do.

I part watched/listened to the Sox game. They won 6-5. I was switching channels because the Huskers game was on during the last few innings and I didn’t want to miss big plays. Once the college football game went to halftime I went up to my room to really rest my ankle. It was really hurting me. I took some pain meds and decided to just catch the tweets of the game. Then when Oregon caught up to the Huskers, I had to watch the 4th quarter. I went to my mother’s bedroom and watched while putting my feet up on her bed. She has an adjustable bed so I just kicked back and really put my foot up, least until the last 2 minutes of the game. The Huskers were up by 3 points and Oregon had the ball. Luckily, due to penalties, they were 3 and 20, then went 4 and 18 and didn’t make it. I loved it. Huskers won 35-32. It was a very good game!

My OSU game has been delayed due to weather and won’t start until 2100 EST. I don’t know if I am going to stay up and watch the game. I am pretty beat and the pain meds are making me groggy. I also want to try and finish the book I started last night, “that was then, this is now”. I was reading it before my trip to Dunkin and was also reading it early this morning when I woke up in pain and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. It’s a good book. Reading does make me tired though.

I texted my therapist a few times today, just giving her updates on how I am doing with dealing with the pain. I emailed my psychiatrist last night about calling a CBT place Monday. I was hoping to get a response but haven’t yet. I have decided to try this form of therapy for pain management. If it doesn’t work or I get denied due to my suicidal history, I will just end things. I really don’t know what else to do. I can’t go on living like this and I told my psychiatrist this. I also told her I haven’t been taking too much of the trilafon because I kept on forgetting to take the afternoon dose. I usually take it a couple of hours after I am awake but it’s been slipping my mind so I just been taking the night time dose. Part of the reason I have been forgetting is because I usually fall asleep in the afternoon because my sleep has been terrible and I am tired. I have no structure so I have nothing to do but catch up on sleep.

There is a medical conference going on at Stanford and there was a chronic pain patient who told her side of the story about chronic pain patients. Here is the video from that conference:

I find it relieving that someone understands what I am going through and the hassles of going to doctor’s appointments just to get pain medication. She also talks about being undertreated and being awake at 2 in the morning. I swear she was talking about me and my struggle. She didn’t go into the suicidality of things but I am sure the thought has crossed her mind more than once.

Ankle Chronicles 13

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Ankle Chronicles 13

It’s after midnight and I can’t seem to settle down. And it’s not because the Sox won tonight. I wish it was from my excitement but the game ended like two hours ago. Nope, I am up because of pain. My foot started hurting me and the pain has now spread to my toes. It’s excruciating. I just took some Neurontin and some pain meds. I have to wait for them to kick in before I can think about lying down.

I think it’s time I try something like CBT (cognitive behavioral therapy) to help me deal with pain. It’s not a cure but it might help me manage in better ways. There was a place in Brookline but they don’t accept chronic mentally ill patients like me, specifically those that have suffered any type of abuse or need long term care. So I am going to try and find a therapist where my psychiatrist works. I have to call the intake and be put on the “CBT wait list”. I don’t know how long that will be. I have no idea how this is going to do down. I am going to have to enlist the help of my psych to see if she can expedite the process. CBT is not something I believe in, but it has been shown to help those with chronic pain, so I might as well try it again. I just hope it isn’t a bunch of paperwork and shit. I can’t imagine filling out papers while in the middle of a flare up. I already want to rip what little hair I have on my head (I have short hair) or cut off my damn ankle.

If the list is a long wait, I might not last. I have 3 weeks before my death date comes. I am willing to postpone it if the wait is not longer than say two months. I don’t think I can hold out longer than that as the flare ups have become so unbearable. I hope that my suicidality doesn’t hinder me getting in to see someone. That will really fucking suck and I will feel so dejected. I also hope that because I have an established therapist, they don’t say see ya. This is a specific treatment and one I am willing to give a try if they will just give me a chance. I am really nervous about this because it has been so long since I have gone through an intake process. That is why I am hoping my psych can help with the process a little bit.

I am so damn tired and really want to lie down and sleep. But I know that if I lie down, the pain could get worse and then I will have to sit up again. I kind of wait until I can no longer keep my eyes open and then I lie down. I am usually out by that time. I don’t really sleep very well or very long, but it beats having to lie down and then sit up. It’s a game I play most nights and it’s not fun. It drives the voices crazy because they want to keep talking to me and if I keep popping up, they want to talk more. Or the music in my head gets really loud and I have to play music to drown it out, which then keeps me up for at least another hour or so.

I can’t escape this stupidity. It drives the suicidality all the more because I just want to escape from it all. The pain, the voices, the depression, everything. I was writing to a friend about my troubles and she said that I need to do something, like get involved in something or get a pet. I couldn’t handle being responsible for a pet. It’s a big responsibility, even if my mother allowed it to happen. I know my friend meant well and all, but she just wants me to stick around for a long time. She also doesn’t want to lose me. She understands my suicidality. She knows that my suicidal ideation is not over something trivial.

Memes and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

inspiration

My therapist friend sent me this meme today and it was what I really needed to help sort out my feelings for the day. It made me smile because he thinks of me in such a caring way. I hope you find it as uplifting as I did.

The temperature dropped severely and my back nearly went out on me. Because of this, I didn’t plan on going out. Then I found out today was National Guacamole Day and I needed a burrito, stat! I had planned on taking the 2 pm bus but I was able to finish my coffee in enough time to catch the one at 1 pm. Plus, my mother wasn’t home yet which possibly meant she was shopping and I didn’t want to be home to carry bags up the stairs. As it was fall like weather, I decided to wear jeans and was glad I did. After I had my burrito, I went to Starbucks for an iced tea. It was really cold there as they had the AC cranked. I had to put on my long sleeved T-shirt as I was cold. I felt like going outside to warm up.

I sat writing for an hour and a half. Today’s Daily Prompt word is Fragile. I kept thinking of something to write about it but I could only get one or two sentences going and that was it. I figure I would do better at home as the music at Starbucks was loud today and it was interfering with my music. Totally overloaded my brain trying to sort through the two different types of music playing. Once they started playing Spanish music, I decided to catch the bus home. I was out of there.

The bus was on time and the mentally disabled guy that I usually bump into on that bus ride wasn’t there today. He just makes me so damn nervous because his temper can go off at anything or he just wants a conversation where he just mumbles or asks you for money. I just find it unsettling.

On the walk home, I decided to go to Walgreens to get some Ben and Jerry’s chocolate brownie ice cream. They had every other flavor but that kind. I was tempted to get Haagan Daz Belgian chocolate as a substitute but I really wanted the Ben and Jerry’s kind. So I left the store, ice cream less.

Last night, much to my surprise, my therapist responded to a text I sent her about the pain I was in and how I was going to give up. She sent me a pic of her “hope drink” the snickers latte that I gave her the other day and a message of saying something like miracles do happen. I found it funny and responded back. I then watched the movie Liar Liar. I needed a comedy. Then I checked the Sox game and they were still losing by 3 runs. I took my meds and watched the final tweets as it was the bottom of the 9th inning and I didn’t think they would comeback but they were playing the Yanks so anything could happen. And they did! I was so fricken ecstatic! They won 7-5 with a walkoff homerun by Hanley Ramirez. It was the best comeback win of the season. That really made my night. Now we are in first place again.

Next week, I am going to try going to the MFA and see how I do. I am planning on going Tues afternoon after therapy. This is providing a whole slew of things going right for me, including my pain being in semi-control over the weekend and getting some decent sleep. I just hope that I don’t get lost in there again as I try and find my way out. That wouldn’t be good with my current mobility problems.

I kind of want to page my psychiatrist and let her know how I am doing. The last email I sent wasn’t terrific. I was really contemplating paging her last night when I was in dire straights. I kept on thinking to myself, what can I do differently because I had enough of just waiting for pain meds to kick in before I feel better. I was thinking of seeing a blasted CBT therapist for chronic pain but I have no idea if they exist in the Boston area. There is just one pain psychologist that I know of that works in the pain clinic at BWH. I don’t really have faith in him because according to his “assessments”, I am at risk for misusing my meds because I have a sexual trauma history. It’s a load of horseshit because if it was true, more than half of America would be hooked on drugs. Maybe I will email my psych and see if she knows someone that does CBT work in the area. There has to be someone in the greatest hospital that does some kind of CBT work.

As I was writing in Starbucks today, I realized it has been at least two weeks since I last read anything. I bought a copy of SE Hinton’s “That was then, This is now” book. I think I am going to read it over the weekend. It’s a short book and it will be fun as I enjoy her books. Eventually, I plan on getting the other two books that she has, Tex and Rumble Fish.