Tag: schizoaffective disorder

Civic Duty and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Civic Duty and other things

I saw my neurologist, who wasn’t really helpful in figuring out why I listen to music in my head all the time. She thinks it might be my antipsychotic causing the problem, or some medication that I am taking. So as long as the lyrics don’t tell me to kill myself, I am to live with the music stuck, on repeat, in my head. Just fucking lovely. Not only do I have to live in pain, I got to deal with this bullshit.

After the appointment, I was kicking myself for not bringing my Kindle to read as it was a long train ride back to town. I decided to do my civic duty because they were holding city elections today. So I did that. As I just got off the bus, and the next one would probably be at least a half hour to an hour, I decided to walk home. I didn’t want to stand around for the next bus. It was a long walk but I was feeling okay. That all changed once I hit the main street where I live. I was maybe ¾ home when my ankle was saying fuck you. The other side of the street was blocked off with cones so I wasn’t sure if I could cross where I was. So I decided to be a good citizen and walk to the crosswalk as it was close to my house anyways. While going by a convenience store, I decided to play the Powerball game as it’s $555 million. I expected to be in and out but nope, I got behind a guy that was playing all sorts of numbers left and right. I was ready to just walk out when he finished playing close to $40 worth of lottery numbers. Unreal. I got my quick pick and hurried home. I was starving and I was getting hot because it was really humid out. The last time I ate was around 0530 this morning. And it was now around 1230.

I came home and made a cheeseburger. I cooked it really well. In fact, I think I overcooked it to my tastes but the burger was sitting in the fridge for a few days and I wanted it well done. My ankle was not happy with the cooking. I changed and went up to my room with the AC on and rested. About an hour later, exhaustion struck and I needed a nap. My cousin must have called about an hour later. I knew what that was about. My mother wasn’t home yet so that meant she went shopping. No way was I going up and down stairs with my ankle screaming at me. I ignored the calls. They knew I was home and my mother was bullshit. But my cousin is a fairly healthy male so why the fuck can’t he bring the bags upstairs?? It pisses me off that I am expected to just because I am home. So I didn’t care that my mother was mad. My ankle is killing me and I still have two appointments tomorrow that I need to attend to. I have no idea how I am going to manage. I need to get my pain meds refilled and I need to see my psychiatrist.

I am really hoping the “black box” warning I heard about doesn’t affect me tomorrow. I will really be bullshit if I don’t get my meds because of these stupid warnings. But I won’t know until then whether or not I will get my meds. It’s a worry that is in the back of my head.

I wrote a little bit in my journal this morning as I had time before my appointment. I had about an hour so I was really early. I rather be early than late anyways. And with the T, it’s better to be early. I just wish I had my Kindle so I could knock down some Dostoevsky. I really wasn’t thinking about it because I had such a shitty sleep and woke up an hour and a half before my alarm went off. I didn’t dare try to go back to sleep because I really wanted to make coffee. I made it perfectly and it was so good, I wish I had more so I could have had a second cup.

Depressed Because Pain Sucks

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Depressed because pain sucks

I thought I would escape the pain demons tonight but I was wrong. Zaps started a little while ago and now my foot is throbbing uncontrollably. I just took some pain meds, which I was hoping to avoid because most of my day has been pain free. I should have known that around 2300, my pain would increase.

I am deeply depressed. I am thinking of suicide again. It is the only thing that helps me to relax and gives me hope that my pain will end. I know that it will cause others pain by my death, but I just cannot go on living like this. I would say that I am too young to die, but there are kids dying every day because of cancer and other horrible diseases, or by stupid parents that leave them in hot cars.

No one knows what causes my pain. I am terrified of seeing another PCP because I am afraid he or she will not believe my pain because it very rarely happens during the day. I have most of my pain at night, when I don’t have an appointment with a doctor. Even then, I am sure they won’t be able to diagnose what is wrong. This has been going on for more than 4 years now. My quality of life sucks. I vacuumed the rug near my bed because I was tired of little shits of lint and other stuff getting on my bed because my feet track them there (I am barefoot most of the time). Most of it is lint or pebbles or paint chips from the stairs. Where the pebbles come from, I have yet to figure out. I found one on my near my “office”. How it got there is a mystery as I don’t have my feet anywhere near where I found it.

I am thinking of increasing the Zoloft but am afraid to ask my doc about increasing it, only because the stupid “wonderful” system that they have might screw up the dosage change again like it did before or totally delete it once it has been changed. It’s a very fucked up system. Even my pain meds have to be “added” though I have been taking it for years now when I go for a refill. So damn stupid. Yet the stupid system still has the abilify there even though it has been months now that I haven’t been taking it. Go figure that one out. Or rather don’t try. It will give you a brain cramp.

I have noticed the last few months how much my moods and suicidality have been surrounded by my pain. I think my therapist finally got it today after she read the letter that I wrote to her on Aug 24th. She saw how devastating my moods can be when my physical pain is at its highest level. I am in pain tonight but not at a suicidal level, thank goodness. The pain I feel now is just a mild, annoying throbbing due to the electric zaps that I had. These zaps are terrible and can go on forever or just a little while. I never really know but the longer they persist, the deeper the pain levels are once they stop. It’s worse than a severe cramp in my foot.

I should be sleeping now but pain is keeping me up. I have to get up in about 8 hours. I will be lucky to sleep at least 6. I am very tired. My head wants to rest. For the first time in weeks, I don’t have music drilling my head. It’s just playing softly, like background noise. I wonder if my neurologist can figure it out. It will make for an interesting story in my book. A nice short chapter. Most of my chapters in my book are short. I think the longest story is the first one and the rest are 1200 words or less. I am striving for at least 850 words per chapter. It is fun to write. I hope my readers will buy my book once it is published. If they don’t that is okay too. Most of the stories are on my blog anyways, with a few exceptions. So basically, the book is a blog production that is in paperback. It will also be on Kindle for those that have e-readers.

I didn’t think I would finish my book this year. I am getting closer to it. 80 pages shouldn’t take me long, if I keep at it for the rest of the month. Maybe the beginning of October I can start looking for an editor again. My last editor just flew the coop and I have no idea where she went. I have a Twitter buddy that has agreed to work with me. I have no idea how much she will ask but I will pay her around $300. My book isn’t that long (word wise) so it might work out. If she wants more than that, I will have to wait a while to raise the funds. Course that will mean no Amazon spending for the next few months. I miss shopping there and getting “presents” when the orders come in. But sacrifices need to be made. I do have to place one Amazon order my next paycheck as I need my senna and eye drops. Getting them at Walgreens or CVS is just way expensive.

Goofy Therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Goofy therapist

Today’s therapy session was the goofiest I have had in a long time. I started off by calling her goofy and that was it. She was in hysterics for whatever reason. I told her about the dream I had last night where I could “fly” down stairs and while walking. In the same dream, I was getting away from someone as things had gone bad where I was, hence the reason for my flying. I went to a Starbucks that apparently I frequented so much that they wanted to name a drink after me. I woke up before I learned the name of the drink. I had just gone in there with the intention of getting a chili mocha, which I did have today. It was ok except they must have used non-fat milk which I don’t like. It tasted like a water mocha. Gross.

She was telling me how the sauce that I gave her was now gone and we were talking about food for a while in the midst of her trying to analyze this dream. I guess in the entry I wrote about how I was going to make ham and cheddar biscuits and she said that she needs to eat before we talk because I was making her hungry. Goofball, I am telling you. I didn’t tell her what I had for breakfast because I didn’t want her to drool anymore than she already was.

Also in the session with my therapist, once I was able to get her away from my dream analysis, she kind of understood now why my moods change so rapidly when I am in pain. I had started off with a day letter and then I wrote again around 11 pm (2305 to be precise). I wrote how bad the pain was and how much I wanted to end my life. We briefly talked about how much I wanted to end my life but she didn’t want me to, obviously. I kind of got upset at this, but I didn’t let on about it. There was no point because I would be talking to a wall. She gets why I want to kill myself and can see how my mood can change to radically, but she doesn’t want me to end my life over it. Typical. I wanted to tell her that I already had plans to but I just couldn’t. I really want to see the Frida Kahlo exhibit at the Museum of Fine Arts first.

After session, I returned my mother’s phone call. She always calls me during session. EVERY SINGLE TIME. Then she gets mad at me because god forbid I should have someone on the other line. She wanted to know if I was going out and I did tell her I planned to. She has been asking me every single day when am I going to the Square because the Family Dollar Store has soap on sale. I went today and there was no such sale. I bought two packages but didn’t tell my mother I paid the regular price. It was only 0.75 cents more.

While at Starbucks, I got two mochas, my chili mocha and a regular iced mocha. I got two in case I didn’t like the chili one. I didn’t like it so I am glad I had the other one to drink. I typed up my story from the other night. I couldn’t believe it was 21 words short of being 850 words! I was really mad at myself because I kind of left off at a cliffhanger. I couldn’t believe I left off at such an ending. I had wanted to write more but it was nearly 330 in the fucking morning so I went to sleep. I didn’t know I left off with such a dramatic stopping of words. I hate writing at night for this reason because once I lose my train of thought, it’s hard to get back into it. I did that with the “Roots” story I wrote. I had started that at the wee hours of the morning, too. So while I was thinking, I texted my therapist and read Twitter. I didn’t turn on the WiFi at Starbucks because it would be too much of a distraction to me. I could put my phone down, but wouldn’t be able to get off the browsers on my laptop. Then I knew I would get lazy and wouldn’t write anymore. After I bitched about being short on words, I went back to my document and wrote about 100 words. Final word count was 961. It’s still not finished yet so I am sure it will be around 1200 or more by the time I done with it. Using the font Comic Sans, I was able to get 2 and half pages of work done. Not bad. It kind of goes along with my other stories in the book so I hope it flows well.

With these 3 pages or so, I think that will bring my page count up to maybe 118 pages. I really want the book to have 200 pages, at least. This doesn’t include any introduction or preface or any other miscellaneous writing. I haven’t sorted out what that will look like yet, or if I really want to have that. In the memoir that I read last week, it had a page that stated this was a book based on her memories and experiences. I might follow that logic in my writing as I didn’t really take these writings from anywhere but my experiences. It’s sort of like a second memoir book that is just stories about my psychotic experiences and delusional thinking. It seems every psychotic/delusional episode I have is different and wild. Sometimes I write about them in my blog when they are over with. Unfortunately, the current delusion hasn’t passed entirely yet.

While I was taking out my laptop to return to my room, I came across a manila envelope that has my father’s health care proxy paperwork in it. I don’t think I need to be carrying that around anymore. Now it’s in my “office” on my bed. I don’t know what to do with it.

I need to get up early tomorrow to see my Neurologist. I need to take a shower tonight because I doubt there will be time in the morning as I am not a morning person. I basically won’t be watching the Sox game tonight as it’s on late. Game is on the west coast. Tomorrow also marks the anniversary of when I published for the New York Times. I just hope I wake up early enough to make coffee because I won’t be going to the Square until maybe the afternoon, after my appointment.

Loss of Sleep so I Slept All Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Loss of Sleep so I slept all day

I didn’t go to sleep last night around 4ish. I had the writing itch and was writing a story that I need to type up as it was written by hand. I then woke up about 5 hours later to call my neurologist for an appointment. I was able to see her this Thursday. I then went back to sleep until around the time of my therapy appointment.

My therapist and I really didn’t talk much about anything important. She skimmed over my suicidality and we ended up talking about other stuff. She wanted to know more about the musical “hallucinations” and I told her that my psych thought they were migraine activity, which is why I need to see the neurologist. She thought that was interesting. I didn’t feel we made any progress in what I was feeling and I was too tired to get into anything important so I just let things go. She didn’t read my blog that I sent her, but she is making headway into the letters I gave her the last time I saw her in person.

For some odd reason she grilled me about taking the trilafon and whether I had enough. I had to tell her multiple times that I was taking it and that I had an adequate supply. It was very annoying and it pissed me off some.

After therapy, I just went back to bed. I was really tired and slept. I still am tired and in pain. My ankle is just hurting for some reason. The humidity is up so I think that is why. Tomorrow is supposed to be in the 90s. I am not looking forward to that. I hate the heat.

Starbucks has a new kind of mocha called Chili Mocha. I am not one for trying things spicy in my drinks. Food is okay but I don’t like drinking it. I will just have the regular mocha. I want to go to Starbucks tomorrow and type up what I wrote last night. It’s probably around 300 words, I would be shocked if it is more than that. I kind of left off in the middle of writing because I got very sleepy and it was close to 330 in the morning. I had to get some sleep.