Tag: therapist

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I can’t remember what for. I just know it disrupted my sleep. I woke up a little before my med alarm and kind of just laid there until it went off. I just didn’t want to get up. By the time the alarm went off. My bladder was saying hurry up so I was forced to get up. My bowels seemed to awakened too, so that was a good sign after almost four days of not going. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and hoped I wouldn’t puke as the post nasal drip started. I was just miserable with allergies in the morning. I think because the pollen is in the screens I just need a whiff for it to send my histamine crazy. When the weather is cooler, I just will hose them off. Be easier than washing them in the sink.

I didn’t want to get dressed, much less go to the pharmacy to straighten out my medication issue. I talked with the girl who has her shit together and is really helpful. I told her about this weekend and she said she would pass it along to the manager as she wasn’t in yet. I really hope my pain medication do not become an issue every month because people can’t read or look something up in the computer. I only use the one pharmacy (like I am supposed to with my pain contract). I really don’t want to have to go to another one only because of convenience.

After that, I went to the bus stop and my cousin came by. Sweet! I got a ride to the Square. I was still feeling pretty shitty. I didn’t make the espresso right as the barista put too much ice in the cup. I was too tired to do anything about it. I figured I would drink it anyway but the allergies were making me sick. I had a bagel and some of the espresso. Then I just zoned out. I didn’t feel like writing. I hardly touched my drink. I just sat there, staring out to the street watching cars parallel park and a smoker sit and then stand because he was an idiot. He sat in front of a door and people kept coming out. You would think after the third time, just stand but nope, down he went again. Idiot.

I left to go to the station. I had to use the bathroom anyway and I don’t like Starbucks. They are kind of claustrophobic to me. I left early but just got to my therapist’s office within minutes of the appointment. Fricken bus was late. I would have walked but I felt too shitty. Now I had to wait till after session to use the bathroom. I talked about things that were stupid. Nothing really of importance. I told him about the fight I had with my sister calling me rude. And about work. I miss work, sort of. I don’t miss the docs and nurses yelling at me. That part can take a hike. But there were some nurses who were nice and appreciative of going out of my way to help them, if I could. I did that for some, not all. Some times the floor would call like three times and get three different people who gave different answers. That would annoy me and frustrate the floor, which I don’t blame them, especially when it was a sick patient who was a hard stick.

I then walked home. I tried doing it all in one shot but it didn’t work. I got to city hall and had to stop. I made a phone call to the LGBT clinic for the testosterone therapy. I couldn’t get through. I walked the rest of the way then went down the stairs slowly. I caught the bus home. My ankle was killing me. Felt like the bone was ready to pop off. I hate when it gets that way. I had take a BT med after therapy. I finally reached home and was more exhausted than ever. My legs felt like they were going to collapse on me at any minute. I did some PT exercises at Starbucks but not everything. I haven’t been doing them and my PT is going to yell at me. I am getting frustrated with myself because I just can’t keep up with everything. And this week is really busy. I need to kind of chill because of the wedding and concert. I am going to be so sore come Sunday. I probably should cancel therapy for that Monday as I know I am probably going to need another day of rest. I want to see how the wedding goes. Then I will decide.

I didn’t stay up to hear if the Sox won or lost last night. They won. Their 98th win of the season. They still have 18 games left in the season so I think they are going to have more than 100 wins. I am really excited about this because this will be the first time in my lifetime the Sox win 100 or more games. I am so happy for them. Just hope the Sept curse isn’t upon them where they implode. Will really suck if they just have the wild card game because they play badly. They will be playing tough teams so we’ll see. They are off tonight as the Jays are coming into Boston. Jays have been eliminated from playoffs. The AL Central has three teams that have been eliminated. I forget who is left. Going to be exciting either way. It all comes down to these games. Can’t believe it is already September.

6 August 2018

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

6 August 2018

I’ve decided for the month of August, I am going to use the date as my title, unless I can come up with a fancier title. I have found that I am just reusing my previous titles and coming up with something fresh is hard, after 6 years of blogging. Can’t believe this blog is 6 years old but it is.

Today started okay. I woke up around 0530 to use the bathroom and my mother had to as well. I waited for her to finish. I then changed the time for my morning meds so I could sleep a little later. It went off and I didn’t want to get up. I felt like I should have stayed up rather than go back to sleep. I said I would get up at 0930, but didn’t feel like it. I said ten and when I looked at my phone next, it was almost 11 and shit, I had to get up and do things. I checked on my mother. She was okay. The PT person was already come and gone. My mother just needed her ice bucket filled. I took the top off and water went everywhere. I got a towel and then took it off again. I emptied half of it and then filled it with ice. Brought it back to the living room. My mother plugged it in and then I went to check on my niece.

She was reading a book (a real one, not an electronic one). I didn’t say anything as I was just in awe. I asked her if she wanted something to eat, she said no. I asked why and she said she wasn’t hungry. I said did you eat last night? She said yes, her sister made her some eggs. Okay. I got my braces on and my sneakers. I was about to leave when I realized I forgot my cup. I had to go up the stairs with these damn braces and then back down. Thankfully, I did okay.

It was wicked hot out. I was sweating and almost soaked by the time I reached the bus stop. The sun was just beating down on the stop. I realized while I was waiting, I forgot to protect the sore that had popped up on Friday. I would take care of it when I get home. I had to buy the antibiotic cream anyway. I went to Starbucks and had my espresso and a bagel. I wish I brought another T-Shirt with me because I was drenched. But I didn’t and the other one would just get wet by the time I got home anyway so it didn’t matter. I wrote in my journal for a bit but didn’t write long. I left for the train and that is where my day went south.

The train came at a slow pace and by the time we got close to the next stop, it stopped. Something was wrong with the power. We had to get off the train after being on it for like 15 minutes, stuck in the tunnel. I texted my therapist to say I was going to be late. I waited for the “train that was behind the disabled train”. Which was another 5-10 minutes. Every stop had a hoard of people. I got off my stop as I had to yell coming out! Damn idiots with huge backpacks wouldn’t move to let me pass! I was so annoyed. Then I waited for the bus. It was another 10 minutes before it arrived. I was 15 minutes late for my appt and I wasn’t happy. I hate being late. I told my therapist about things in the short session. He was quickly realizing that I was doing all these things for people yet was not getting much in return. He was right. With the exception of my psychiatrist, no doctor was really helping me. The last few minutes I spent explaining how I was wearing a brace on my right ankle.

I decided to walk to the elevator after my appt rather than go down the narrow stairs with two braces on. I was so hot and tired but I still needed to go to the store. I wanted some protein bars and the antibiotic cream. I wish they had a mix and match with the antibiotic cream and bandages as each were buy one, get one 50% off. The protein bars that were 4/$5 didn’t have my flavor I liked. But there were other bars for 5/$5 that did have my favorite flavor. I got 5 of those. I then trekked home. I was so fricken hot and knew it was only going to be hotter in my house. It was slightly cool in my hallway, but the doors to both apartments were open so the heat was causing it to be warm. I checked on my niece and she didn’t eat anything but cereal. She said she was going to make a sandwich. As I took off my AFO, I saw the sore was all red and looked like the skin was worn away. I needed a shower. Every pore was full of sweat. Even my diaper was soaked (not the part that is supposed to catch urine, the part that goes around you). I went upstairs and my baby cousin was over. She looked at me and was gonna cry. She just looked at me like she didn’t know me, even though I saw her the other day. Kids are funny. I sat in front of the fan as I tried making her laugh. My feet were killing me and I was dreading the shower. I went upstairs to change, totally forgetting my aunt was over as I came down with just a change of clothes for the shower and the t-shirt I was wearing. Oops. I covered myself as I rushed to the bathroom. I grabbed a towel as I let the water run. Went back to the bathroom and shaved my head. My razor needed to be changed but I took off most of the hair that grew from yesterday. I shaved my pits while in the shower. I was going to use the trimmer but I had put deodorant on in the morning and didn’t want to clog the blades. I just used the razor in the shower. Then I washed off and tried to stay under the cool water for as long as I could stand it. I dried off and then wrapped the towel around me. It was longer than the other one so covered me. I then hurried upstairs before I was soaked again. My feet were barking. I cooled off a bit before I put the cream and a bandage on my sore.

My sister made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. She didn’t make them like my mother. They were extremely mushy. Might as well have been mashed potatoes with hot dogs. She didn’t use my hot dogs because my mother “buys shit hot dogs” but used my brother in law’s which is worse as it’s a mix of pork, chicken, and beef. I buy all beef hot dogs. I gave her a look when she told me. She said why and I said because we have like 4 packages of hot dogs! And they are all beef. Then my aunt was saying something about it because she had to put in a word about it. I was hungry so just ate them. She didn’t burn any hot dogs, which is a shame as I like them burnt.
Now I am just going to relax as there isn’t a game on tonight. I think I am going to try and finish Norse Mythology. I wish I could drop the Poe Shadow book but I am already half way through it. It is just getting boring and seems to get more made up as it goes on. I know it is fiction and all, but usually the book has a beginning, climax, and end. This book’s climax seems to be going all over the place, which makes me weary on reading the author’s other books.

about today’s therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

After I wrote my blog last night, I stayed up for maybe an hour and then I crashed. I was so wiped out and knew if I fought it, I was going to get overtired and then sleep whenever. So I basically fell asleep by 2130. But fucking stupid pain woke me at 0100. Again it happened while I was dreaming to wake me up. Annoying. I had taken my pain meds so I don’t understand why I am waking up in pain. Doesn’t make sense. It was difficult to go back to sleep. Around 5, I made breakfast. I read. I laid down to try and sleep but then my fricken bones started hurting. I didn’t fall back to sleep until 0630. I took my morning meds before I tried sleeping, including my pain meds as I put the do not disturb on my phone but set my alarm for exclusion so I wouldn’t oversleep.

The damn thing went off at 10 but I didn’t want to get up. I had to sleep because I had a late therapy appointment and if I stayed up, I might be groggy by the time therapy rolled around. I didn’t want that. I took a shower and then went to my room to cool off. Then I made some cold cut sandwiches for lunch. I then left to do the errand for mother. When I was done, the bus was there so I took it, even though it wouldn’t take me to the square. I ordered my espresso got some Pike for home. Then I had my sandwich. It was good. I had brought some cookies in case I wanted something sweet but I was too full. I wrote in my journal for a bit and then left for therapy.

Therapy was good. I brought up some difficult things I wanted to discuss but wasn’t sure if he would dump me after I told him. I said so and he said there were only about 4 things that would cause him to dump me. 1) self-harm in his office, 2) injuring him, 3) destroying any of his office things, and the 4) undressing in his in office. Then asked him if he planned on undressing and he said no. Good. I really don’t want to see him naked!

We had a good chat around my suicidality. I brought up some points that my friend on Twitter brought up with the blog I wrote over the weekend. He asked why I thought it would scare him away and I said because I wasn’t sure how crazy you would think I am. He said he has extensive work in trauma so understands how things can get wonky trying to cope with it when you don’t know how to cope, basically (my words, not his). I felt better talking about this and asked what to do about it and he gave me an answer that I didn’t like, which was “this”. And I was like what, put things in a bag and then pull them out one by one? Deal with everything? Come on, man, give me some guidance! We went over the stuff little by little until time ran out. But there is no structure with how we will proceed and that kind of irks me. He said I like control and I do, to a degree. This guy really gets me and I am so glad because I can talk to him and not worry he is going to force me to go to the hospital after we talk or bind me to some safety contract before leaving. The suicidologist in me is totally freaking out about this because there should be SOME plan but there isn’t. He has said that if I want to kill myself, I am free to do so, just don’t do it in his office, basically. This is really hard to grasp when I have had 27 years of therapists that have been very strict on safety and calling for help and the what not of trying to keep me alive. Sometimes I feel like he doesn’t give a shit if I live or die, but today I got a glimpse that he does care if I do. Usually, the therapist’s care if what helps me to know if I am worth caring about. I know my psychiatrist cares. She wouldn’t nudge me and be a pain in the ass about me seeing her if she didn’t. I don’t get that way with this therapist though. If I want to cancel, it is okay where past therapists have always given me a hassle on why did I cancel like if I didn’t have a good enough reason, I couldn’t cancel the session. I tell him I can’t make it, and that is fine with him. He understands that I have a medical condition that sometimes forces me out of the game. I sometimes cannot physically make it in. I try though and I sometimes wait too long to cancel until I realize I can’t cancel because it is past the golden hour to do so.

Anyway, these are just my experiences with this therapist. I like him even though there is no structure. Just talk and see where it goes kind of deal. It kind of drives me crazy some times but it is also okay because there is no linear path of getting better. Just like my memoir. It goes forwards and backwards. I hope we do talk about what we talked about today again. I think I will have to bring it up to work on it. I just don’t see him doing that.

randomness 23 July 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Randomness 23 July 18

I sent off an email to my psychiatrist sometime last night as I was in so much pain and I was angry. I told her I didn’t want to see her and to say this email is notification of cancellation of our next appt. I eventually went to sleep sometime after 1 am. I had put on a brace as the pain was just so bad. The compression of the brace helped but didn’t take it away completely.

I woke up to my phone’s med alarm. I took my meds but didn’t take my allergy pill. I went back to sleep but tried not to go into a deep sleep as I had to be up in a few hours. My psych had responded to my email but I didn’t have my glasses on to see what she said. I got up around a little after 11 am. I read the email and she basically said that she hopes I feel differently in the morning. I don’t. I don’t want to see her. I then took a shower. The house was like a sauna. I don’t know why I bothered picking out clothes. I was drenched in sweat by the time I came back to my room to cool off. I had an hour before I had to leave the house for the bus. I thought that was a good time.

I left and when I opened the door, it was raining so I went back in to get my umbrella. I wasn’t going to use my Bluetooth headset. The rain let up and the clouds cleared but it was still humid as hell. Then the skies opened up. Glad there was some drizzle before it happened to give me time to reopen my umbrella. It let up, again, by the time the bus finally arrived.

I got to starbucks and they had a new sandwich. I tried it and didn’t like it. I might as well as just pour a shaker of salt in my mouth. It was so salty. And the “bacon” was more like a ham. I couldn’t take the egg as everything else was overpowering. I felt like ordering something else but I didn’t want to get up. Then I looked at the time and shit, it was 1330! I had to leave for my appt. I quickly threw away what I didn’t eat, grabbed my coffee, and left for the train station. When I got to my stop and was waiting for the bus, I texted my therapist saying I might be late. Bus came like 30 seconds later so I was on time.

I didn’t talk about anything in particular. I told him about living alone and how scary it was the other day when there was no adults home and my ankle gave out. He said I should look into assisted living programs before something else happens to my mother, like her being forced in a nursing home or something worse. I said I will. I know there are some residential programs popping up around my city. I think you have to be apart of the Department of Mental Health to apply for them, though. I am sure there are others that maybe Medicare will have. I don’t have to look right this second but my mother being in the rehab has been an eye opener. We talked about my anxieties while she was gone and how difficult it was to keep up basic chores, like washing dishes and such. I didn’t tell him about the email I sent to my psychiatrist at all. I didn’t want to talk about it.

I left and was wondering what I was going to do for dinner. It was too hot to cook or use the oven. I just caught the bus home and was lost in my music as I was walking home. My legs have been feeling like lead all day. My lower body didn’t want to work at all. It just hurt to stand and walk. There was mail in the mailbox and I was sweating a lot by the time I got in the house. I just wanted to go up to my room and cool off. My mother called and wanted me to give my aunt some things that she needed. I also gave her some mail that I thought was important. I rested until I was sufficiently cool to go back out again. My cousin was parked outside my aunt’s house and we talked. He said he would be taking my aunt to see my mother. I told him I guess that means you won’t be taking me to Stop and Shop. He said sorry. Thanks for nothing bud. I might just take the bus, if the weather is decent. I have no idea if it is going to be just as humid or not. There are a few things I need to get that the online grocery doesn’t have, like a quart of milk. All they have is a half-gallon. I don’t need it as I got soy milk and almond milk. But I do like milk for when I have tea. I also wanted some cold cuts so I could make sandwiches. I can only get half a pound in the grocery app. So stupid but I guess they need the quantity in order to make it worthwhile.