Tag: therapist

Errand Filled Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Errand filled Friday

I had a good sleep despite waking up in the middle of the night, again. I was able to go back to sleep, though I did ponder staying up and going to Starbucks at like 0400. They don’t open till 0530 so I would have had to wait and I didn’t feel like waiting so luckily I went back to sleep. When I did wake up around 0930, I used the bathroom and then brushed my teeth. I got ready to go out and catch the 0950 bus. I decided to have breakfast at Starbucks and write for a little bit before doing my errands.

The first place I went to was the PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. It was warm when I left the house but was getting cooler as time went on and the sun went away. While waiting for the train, I decided to start reading a CBT book on suicide attempt prevention. I plan on writing a review about it when I am finished. I should be done this weekend as it’s a short book and easy reading. The terms are a little complicated but are used consistently so it’s easy to follow along.

I got off at Central Square to check out where the therapist office was. It was a little farther from the station than I thought but definitely doable for me. There are plenty of benches along the way so if I get tired, I can rest. I just need to make sure I leave myself some time to walk to the building. It should take me about fifteen minutes or so to walk at a good pace. I was hurting by the time I made it back to the station and had to rest on the said benches. My back was hurting me from the weight of my bag for some reason. I might have to empty it out to see what is causing it to be so heavy. I have only a few things in it so I don’t know why it’s heavy or feels like it is. Some days it is and other days it’s not. I think it depends on my fatigue level.

I rested then caught the train back to my Square and went to the butcher shop to get my burgers. They were cheaper than the last time I bought them, which was good. I think I got 6 burgers for 6 bucks. They may be too big for the rolls I have. After this errand, I went and waited for the bus and read my book. I then went to Walgreens to fill my prescription. They didn’t have a long wait so I waited for them to fill it. I was getting really hungry by the time I came home. My ankle was hurting me, too. It was already fatigued by the time I reached the bus stop. If I didn’t have my AFO on, I would have been dragging my ankle and would not have gone to the butcher’s shop.

I am waiting for pain meds to kick in before I make my burger. I am really hungry but it will really hurt me to try and cook with my ankle hurting the way it is right now. I checked my email and my psychiatrist responded to my email. I had asked her if I should make a history sheet for the new therapist to get the suicidality out of the way so I don’t scare him off. She said see if I like him first. I thought that was good and replied saying so. If I don’t like him, there won’t be a point if suicide scares him or not. I’m kind of nervous that I will have to “teach” him suicidology and how I handle my suicidality in therapy. He might have a different approach, which I will be open to as long as we work together on it.

I’m feeling really fatigued from all the running around I did today. Last night I lowered the heat so my room didn’t become a sauna every single time the radiator came on. Now my room is cold but I am not turning the heat up. I will just had layers and for the first time all winter, I turned off the ceiling fan. My mother thinks I am going through the “change” because I have been so damn hot lately. No, it’s because the heat in my room is making me crazy. My room is the hottest because I keep my door closed 90% of the time. The heat was making me feel sick. I don’t tolerate it well since having my nerve injury.

Saturday Blog 78

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 78

I’m having a rough day. I can’t seem to stay awake. I am drinking coffee. It’s stronger than I would like but maybe it will keep me awake. I really don’t want to take a nap. I did one errand today and that was to go to the pharmacy for my meds. It’s cold out but by the time I walked back home and came up the stairs, I was sweating. I am glad I wore a light shirt because a sweater would have killed me. I still had my window open as it was still warm in my room. I had shut the ceiling fan off because it was cold. I wanted to air out my room a little bit.

I ordered pizza for lunch and when I came back to my room, I had to close the window. It was really cold. The birds were chirping this morning like it was a spring day. Very weird. As I was making coffee, I watched some of the baseball game. They tied it up. I wanted to rest my ankle so I came back upstairs.

I placed some more items on my growing grocery list. Trouble is, the frozen items are going to have to be put in the basement freezer because there is no room in my freezer for them. My mother went shopping last week and bought a lot of frozen items. I think I am going to make a garden burger for dinner. I haven’t had one in a while.

I don’t see my psychiatrist again for two weeks. I kind of miss seeing her every week. My mood has been up and down, depending on pain. I haven’t had any bad suicidal moods but thoughts of dying have crossed my mind the past few days. I didn’t tell my psych about them because they didn’t last long. She usually doesn’t ask me at all about my suicidal stuff. She leaves it to me to bring it up. It’s how we have always worked.

She didn’t have any luck so far in finding me a therapist. She wants to get through to the triage line but can’t get a hold of a human to talk to. Welcome to my world, doc. She said she will get in touch with me if she finds someone. It’ll be almost two months since I have been without a therapist. This has been the longest I have been without seeing someone. It is weird not talking to someone every week.

Sunday Musings

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Musings

I surprisingly got more than six hours of sleep last night. I don’t remember what time I went to sleep but I know it was before midnight and I woke up around 9. I would have slept more but my bladder said no. I made coffee and breakfast and when I got back to my room, my foot was hurting. I didn’t take anything because it was just a mild annoyance. I drank my coffee, which isn’t the kind I like. I wanted to use up the bag because I don’t like it as much as I like Pike and my Casi Ceilo. I will toss the bag when I go down for lunch as I don’t think there is enough for another cup of coffee.

After I finished my coffee, I couldn’t decide to read or not. I was having a conversation with my voices. Then I just started to stare off into space. This is the second day of me doing this. It has me kind of worried because I did it a lot last year before and after my father’s death. I don’t know if it is just a preoccupation glance or what. But it’s troubling me. I might send an email to my psychiatrist asking if this is “normal”. I thought about paging her but it’s not an urgent thing.

Last night, I decided to look for therapists in my area. I found three, two social workers and a psychologist. I will call them tomorrow. If I have to lie about my suicidality, I will. I just don’t want to be denied, again, because of my suicidal tendencies. All of these therapists are in Harvard Square, which makes it convenient for me to get to them. My psychiatrist is also looking for a therapist for me but I have a feeling she is going to find someone that is not convenient for me to go to. If I had a car, it would be a different story. Even though I have access to a Zipcar, I don’t want to be dishing out money every week just for therapy, in addition to my copay. I hope one of the three therapists pans out.

In a few days, my anniversary of my journey into the mental health field is coming up. Last year I had a horrible time with flashbacks of the events that lead me to seeing a therapist. I hope that doesn’t happen this year, especially as I am not seeing anyone but my psych. I love my psych but she doesn’t really do therapy with me and I will just get frustrated with talking about flashbacks and not having any ways to cope with them. It’s really difficult dealing with PTSD because you can get flashbacks with the slightest mention of things that happened. Anniversary dates are really hard to deal with.

I don’t really have plans for the day. I wanted to go to Walgreens but I forgot what I wanted to buy so I won’t be going. It’s freezing and windy out anyways so I really don’t want to go out if I don’t have to. I do plan on reading my book. I never opened it last night to finish the chapter I was on. I am going to read after I have lunch, which will be the leftover Chinese food. I ordered from a new place and it was really good, though I didn’t get as much General Gao chicken as I get from other places. It was spicy too, which was nice. The other places were mild. I am definitely going to order from them again.

So it ends…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So it ends…

I had my final session with my Bozo today. It was emotional for both of us. I didn’t think she was going to let it happen but she did and so we are done. After sixteen years and countless sessions. She said I have three file cabinet drawers. Makes sense. I wrote a lot over the years. I wrote her endless letters. Given her journals to hold. Books to read.

We talked a lot about the past and how we went through her different offices over the years. The good times and the shitty ones. I honestly don’t know who was more choked up her or me. I tried to hold it together. I still am trying to. It’s really hard to keep it together but I know if I fall apart, I probably won’t be able to pull myself together.

I meant to do some errands before my appointment but my ankle was bothering me. I woke up late and my sister said it was icy out so I stayed in. Then it warmed up to like 50 degrees so after therapy, I went to the post office and then to the store to get my half and half. Tomorrow is going to be a snow storm so I wanted to have it so I can make coffee. I then called my psychiatrist to check in with her. I told her what I pretty much just wrote about the session. I was sobbing by then and having a hard time controlling myself. She asked of I would be going to the hospital tomorrow and I said no. It will be a blizzard and I am not going out. Then she asked if I would come in tonight and I said no cause I haven’t packed a bag. I would be there all night and that would suck. Plus walking to the store did my ankle no favors. I see her Friday.

I’ll be getting my bears back. I am so sad at this. They have been a part of my therapist’s office for so long. My therapist took good care of them, like she did of me for so long. Until, well, I don’t know what happened. I still am trying to figure it out but I don’t think I ever will. I brought it up today and she gave me the song and dance about how I pointed things out to her in the blog that opened her eyes. Things that she couldn’t ignore. I keep replaying the last few months. We really didn’t have a therapeutic relationship as we just fought. Finally I said, let’s just end this and she was like okay. And today was the day we finally said goodbye.