Tag: transition

Transition day 28

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Transition day 28

Today is my 28th day on testosterone. I forgot to change the time on my med alarm so I woke up at 4 am because that is what I set it two weeks ago. I didn’t like waking up at that time at ALL! But I was awake and I have nothing to do today other than to try and get my books and journals organized a little better.

It was again difficult to get the medicine in the syringe. I am supposed to get 0.25 mg/mL and I got around 0.2 mg/mL so I had to redo it until I got that 0.05. The medicine is tough because the needle is long and the vial is short. I had to keep an eye on the bevel of the needle and where the medicine was so I could withdraw it. I thought it would be easier as time went on but nope. I am going to have a harder time with the last dose as there is not much left in the vial. It is going to be tricky. But I will worry about that in two weeks.

I took my selfies and posted them. I didn’t notice any changes. It was so early in the morning, I don’t think my friends were awake as they haven’t commented on it. My sister texted me around 8 am. She sent me pics of herself dressed up in a Halloween costume. She likes this time of year. I don’t. I really hate it. I guess I started hating it when teenagers started banging on the windows looking for candy. Um, that is not nice and no you aren’t getting anything. Go away! It was scary so I didn’t open the door to shoo them away. I try to stay away and keep the lights off so they don’t think anyone is home. My brother in law loves it as he just stands in the door and gives out candy. He usually isn’t dressed up though. I have no idea if my niece will be in costume this year.

I sort of noticed my voice changing today. It sounded deeper. I got excited. I still haven’t told my mother I am on hormones. I thought about it a million times but she isn’t going to care and she isn’t going to be supportive so why bother. I called my friend up in Canada to see if my voice changed and she said she hardly recognized me. Whoohoo for voice change!! My barber said the same thing when I saw him (last paragraph). I think this is so cool. I am so excited about this. I am going to post it on my social media accounts!! My barber also noticed that my sideburns are thicker. Now if only I could grow a damn beard!!

I want to get my haircut today or Friday. I might do it today. I really need a cut as I haven’t had one since the middle of September. You can’t see the cut anymore. It is just a mop. I know I will feel better once I have a nice cut. I had coffee today. I made it good as it was nice and strong. I am loving the Guatemala blend. It is stronger than Pike. I love my coffees. Espresso is a different kind and that is wicked strong. I love it but sometimes my stomach doesn’t. I get at least 5 shots at a time so it is really strong. I always have it with soy milk but sometimes the barista puts too much ice so not much room for soy and that makes me mad. I am tempted to just have a side of ice and pour it in myself rather than have the barista do it. I hate wasting a plastic cup but I have to dilute the espresso!

I was going to vote today and if I go out, I will. I tried to get my nephew and niece to vote. My nephew is a definite no and my niece is a maybe. I tried. I hope my niece votes. I know my other niece won’t because, sadly, she is an airhead sometimes. I don’t think she is in to politics. I wasn’t until the Orange Buffoon became president. He wants me and people like me erased so I will have him voted out. I want Congress to change so that they aren’t lifers and not do what they are sworn to do. Okay, I am off my soapbox about that.

I wonder with my voice changing if that is why my throat is a little more irritated than normal. I have no idea if when the voice box changes if there is irritation. It could just be allergies though. Yesterday I was so congested when I left for my MRI appointment. It was awful. My sister Ubered me to and from. I am grateful because it really hurt to walk. My right side was so sore from the fall. It is a little better today, though getting up really hurts. Once I start moving about it is okay. I want to go out so that I don’t become stiff.

I just realized I never published this. I got on the net and well, forgot about this. I got my haircut and then something to eat. I wanted mango juice but the store in the Square didn’t have it. I was walking around and my leg didn’t like it. I missed the bus so had to go take another bus to catch the one home. Ugh. My leg is really, really sore. I am not doing anything today. I thought moving around would help and it didn’t. I am tempted to cancel my appointments tomorrow. It is my first appointment with the pain program. I hope that I can do it tomorrow. I just hurt so damn bad. I really didn’t think I would be this awful but I guess I fell harder than I thought. PT is going to be soooo much fun. NOT.

TG Transition Day 1

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, transgender, writing

TG Transition Day 1

I wanted to write this yesterday so today is really day 2 but I want to tell you about all that happened yesterday. I will try to stick with just the transition and then go to another blog for today’s stuff.

I had the appointment with the nurse. I was like a half hour early. I waited a few minutes and she introduced herself. She must have been new because she didn’t know my former PCP, though she had seen him come in a few times. She showed me how to do the injections, which muscle to put it in, to switch off, etc. It was informative and she answered the questions. She said she would watch me give it but I didn’t feel comfortable as I was told not to bring the stuff with me. Soon as we were done, I went into a bathroom that was on that floor.

I got everything ready, careful not to touch anything that would contaminate the vial or needle. Then I stuck the needle in the vial, pushed the amount of air that the nurse said I had to push and only about 0.1 mL of fluid came into the syringe. I kept withdrawing but it was a slow drip into the syringe. Shit this stuff wasn’t going to be easy. I finally decided to just pull more than I needed and then push it back in. That worked and I got the amount I needed. I used an alcohol swab to wipe my leg, counted to three, and stuck it in. I pushed and things went smoothly. A little blood came out and some fluid but the nurse said it was normal. I put the stuff away, pulled up my pants, and washed my hands as I had to pee, too.

I had to inject saline into my left thigh to show her I could inject. By the time I got to Starbucks near my therapist’s office, my leg was sore. The right was doing better. I had posted on most of my social media a picture to show what Day 1 is. I didn’t shave the little hairs on my chin before leaving the house. I was lucky to leave when I did as it took me forever to make sure I had everything and still time to get coffee, which was so needed.

I got to the place and ordered a lemonade. I didn’t want too much caffeine as I was already a pile of nerves. I was freaking out over my leg hurting with just saline. I still had a few hours to kill and then I realized I didn’t bring any pain meds with me. I had switched bags and left them in my other bag. I had to go home. So I did and got what I needed and then went to therapy. I will write more about this in another blog.

I haven’t had any changes and my left thigh is still hurting but not so much. My right is fine. In a week, I will post another blog with a similar title and take pics to post. Thank you all for coming along.

Feeling tired after a long day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired after a long day

I woke up early, a few hours before my alarm because I had to move but it was not easy. I was in pain from the position I was in. I turned over carefully and slightly went to sleep, only to wake up because that position caused my elbow to hurt. I moved it to stop the hurt then my med alarm scared the shit out of me when it went off. I was not expecting it at that moment. I got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I have no idea if I brushed my teeth or not. I was so groggy and just wanted to sleep but I had stuff to do.

I went back to my room and laid down for a bit. Then I remembered I had to do an errand for my mother and I cringed. I had to get up now if I wanted to shave my head and get ready to go out. I did and left the house around 11. I didn’t get home till around 1730, a good 6 hours or so later. I swear my ankle had gone out on me at least two times. When I got to my psych appointment, I had to take off my aircast.

The orthotist fixed my brace a little bit. He gave me some moleskins and some sticker things for the grummets so they wouldn’t cause me sores. He encouraged me to find a taller sock but I think I have a few old socks that I can just cut the foot off and use the tube part so the AFO rubs against that rather than my leg. It will add some worth in the winter months. Not so great in the heat though, should we have another heat wave burst. I had woken up with my back aching because the temp dropped like 20 points. My spine didn’t like that one bit. It is supposed to be in the 70’s the rest of the weekend and I hope I can bake.

After I saw the brace clinic, I went to get Thai food for lunch. I almost ate the whole thing. What I have left is just a snack. I thought I would eat it after my psych appointment but I was still full. My psych appointment went well, though our next appointment won’t be in a month. I am shocked. I said I can still contact you, right? She said yes. She refilled my scripts. She was worried about my weight as it was up a few pounds since last year. I am not worried because it goes up and down. I have been gaining and losing the same five pounds for years. Since the Invega I did gain a little but I seemed to have leveled off. I just haven’t been successful in losing weight, which is hard to do when you can’t walk. We talked about weight and she wanted me to get weighed the next time I see my PCP. I told her I would. I hate getting weighed. It always leads to uncomfortable conversations. I have no idea how to diet or “eat right”. A friend of mine said that I should cut carbs. I have no idea how as I eat a lot of bread. She said that instead of having two slices of toast, eat one. Being Italian, bread is like part of the 4 food groups. We have bread with almost every meal. I have been trying but it’s hard to break out of the habit, especially when my mother or sister buys bread that is fresh from the bakery. Last night I had crackers with cheese. Crackers are carbs. So see, I got a carb problem, but the human body needs carbs so…I am stuck with weight.

I asked my psych if I could go ahead with the transition now that my pain is somewhat controlled. It might not be what I want it to be but it is better. I just wish the flares and ankle give outs would stop. So Monday I will be calling the LGBT clinic and making an appointment with the doc I was seeing there. I just hope they have an appointment that isn’t in Nov. I don’t think I can wait that long, again.

The Hunt for Picante Sauce

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

The hunt for Picante sauce

I was in severe pain last night after taking my night time dose of pain meds. It wasn’t even two mins in my system when I moved to lay down that my ankle exploded in severe pain. It was then the waiting game of what to do/take. I was up till around 4. Around 3 I got hungry and heated up the breakfast burrito I made a few days ago. I wanted something spice and found a packet of picante sauce from McDonalds. YES! It was so good. My belly was full and I was able to get to sleep, though it wasn’t restful as I kept waking up every couple of hours, with my med alarm scaring the crap out of me. I would have stayed in bed but I had to see my therapist. I woke up shortly after 11 so there was no chance of a shower. I went downstairs to brush my teeth and use the bathroom. My mother made pancakes and saved me some. I took them with me to have at Starbucks with my much needed espresso.

I got to Starbucks and had 5 shots of espresso and the pancakes. It was good. I then wrote in my journal until it was time to leave for my therapist’s office. It was bloody cold but I was wearing a heavy sweatshirt and that made me sweat. My ankle was still bothering me so I took a strong pain pill to keep it quiet. In my Painsomnia state, I had written an email to my psychiatrist that was basically telling her I was going through with Plan A. She had responded with some weird inquiries so I had some explaining to do. We exchanged emails and I think everything is sorted. Not quite sure though as she never responded with my last email.

I went to my therapist’s office and session went well. He was surprised that the pain doc and my PCP had decided to go collaborate and not include me in the conversation. It is still a mystery why my psychiatrist needs to be involved. I asked him if the LGBT doc had been in touch with him and he said that they were looking for my entire record from him. He didn’t send it because he wanted to talk to me first and I am glad he did because I do not want them to have the record. They may talk to him, but I do not want what we talk about to be shared. He said that he is willing to write a letter if they need it but it will cost me. I am not worried about that. He said he would prefer a phone call. I agreed. So Friday when I meet with the doc, I will ask him what he wants with my therapist. As of yet, the LGBT doc has not contacted my psychiatrist. I have no idea if he got my medical records or what. Now I am really nervous about the appt.

I am on the fence on moving forward with my transition because of my plan. I am going to send my PCP a message about what he plans on doing with my pain meds. I am planning on picking up the script on Wed, if they are ready. After therapy, I went on my picante sauce hunt. I went to the grocery store at the Square and they had shit selection but no picante sauce. The eggs were also up thirty cents since I bought them Saturday. I went to another grocery store and they had the picante sauce! Yay! I bought three dozen eggs and a half gallon of juice, my kind as the one my sister bought my mother sucks. It is from concentrate and I like it not from concentrate. It just tastes better. I got home and had to shower. I was sweating and because I was holding my urine, I leaked pretty good. I felt gross. I knew my ankle wasn’t going to like it but that is what pain meds were for.

After the shower, I had dinner that my mother made. Then she yelled at me because I spent so much on the eggs. I should have destroyed the receipt but I forgot I left it in the bag. It wasn’t even her money! She said she wasn’t sending me shopping anymore. Fine. Whatever. I don’t give a shit. You buy your eggs and I’ll buy mine!

I just made a cup of orange spice tea and I am going to relax the rest of the night. My back and ankle are killing me. I hope I am not up all night again. I need to clean out my backpack and find out what the hell is so damn heavy. I think I am going to switch to my messenger bag. It is time for a change anyway. Time to rock the Pearl Jam bag!