Hi all,

My boys have done it. We have beaten the Houston Astros and are going to the World Series. We don’t know who we are playing yet. It will either be the Los Angeles Dodgers or the Milwaukee Brewers. I am hoping for the Dodgers. I think that will be a great match up.

I cannot sleep because I am in pain. Left thigh and right foot are hurting. I just put some diclofenac gel on. It helped the foot. Thigh not so much. I noticed the skin is much darker than my right. Hope that doesn’t mean anything. Also hope it is just a tan line and will fade with time.

I am very tired. I don’t know if I will be meeting up with my friends because I might be in too much pain. I will have to see how it goes. I hope this settles down by morning.

I sent my PT a little note saying I think she is awesome because she is. I wish I knew of how to write her up so that her boss knew she was good and really helped me to get better. I always think it is important to tell people that.

Well I guess I’ve bored you all. Go Sox and will write another blog later today.

Baseball Season is officially over

Tonight the San Francisco Giants swept the Detroit Tigers in the World Series. My Baseball Depressive Disorder has peaked. Now I have no baseball games until Spring training in March, a mere five month wait for something I love more than anything.

I went out with a friend of mine who I haven’t seen since May. He finally sold his house in Boston and is now temporarily living in Marlborough until things are settled for his condo in Revere. I hope that he likes Revere and he is by the Blue Line as he works in Boston. Traveling can be hard between these two cities by car. He wants me to help him with his Facebook page and I have agreed. It is freelance work, though I have told him I know nothing about eye conditions but he is willing to teach me. He is an eye doctor, and in my opinion one of the best in the Boston area. I have been seeing him since I graduated high school. This volunteer work will help me keep busy. I love learning new things and I am sure it will help him and his work.

I still am feeling kind of weird since I am living and I have not attempted suicide. I feel like it is a loss that I am never going to recover from. I know this must sound weird but it’s true. I have been trying to attempt to kill myself since 2005 and have not made one single attempt despite all my planning. I have come close a couple of times but I have never really gone past my planning stage. What changed? The fact that more people need to be aware that there are people like me who think about suicide all the time yet do not tell a single soul about how dark their thoughts are. I have my therapist to talk to about this and she is the ONLY person that knows how I really feel. I don’t confide in anyone else. I would talk to my psychiatrist but I have been avoiding her. Mostly because I just feel like a burden to her. That is the hardest part of this illness is knowing you are a burden to others even though you may not really be in reality.

I still have yet to go back to my comparison paper. I really am just procrastinating on it. I want to be able to work on it while I am sitting at a Starbucks. And because my depression is so bad I hardly leave the house, I just have not been in the mood to bring my laptop around the city to go to Starbucks and sit for a few hours. I have been becoming more reclusive and I hate leaving the house for any reason. I just like staying in my room all the time goofing off on my laptop while Facebooking or blogging. I haven’t had that many emails to respond to. My online CES support group has been quiet lately. Like everything else, it ebbs and flows. Sometimes there is a lot of chatter and other times there is very little. It all depends on what is going on and if people have things to add or suggest. This group has been a life saver for me because without it, I would feel totally alone with my nerve condition.