stitches are out

Stitches are out

I had a very tiring day. I woke up with minutes to spare to catch the driver to get to the hospital. I am glad I dressed quickly. There was no traffic to the hospital so I was an hour early. I tried to get something to eat but they weren’t accepting cash so I didn’t get anything. I spent an hour in the empty waiting room waiting for the doctor. He took the stitches out and said things looked good. He said that the disc I was concerned about was compressing things so he fixed it. I don’t have to worry about it now. He did say that I had a dura tear that had to be repaired and that was why I had to lay flat. It took a good few days to be able to sit up right in bed. I still am not feeling well sitting up but I did okay on my way there. I had to walk all over because the place of pick up was at a different building than where my doctor’s office was. I am now paying for it as my foot has flared up.

I had a phone session with my psychopharm. We talked about how I was doing. She thinks part of the reason I am not so depressed is because of the anesthesia. She may be right. I don’t know how long the effect is going to be but it has been two weeks and despite feeling devastated at times, I feel okay. I told her that I was numb and I told her where. I felt funny telling her but she seemed to understand that this is complex and not something that is going to recover in a few weeks. It could be months before I have feeling back. Surgeon even said that. So I just have to take it day by day. She wants me to write more as she feels it could be a good coping mechanism. I cringed. I don’t see my writing as a coping mechanism. I just do it because it feels right. I have some things to express and I express them. They all go into a void for me and I don’t remember what I write usually. Granted right now I am not writing in despair or in a desperate state. I told her I haven’t felt suicidal but I have been hearing hallucinations of music that I have been having to take trilafon for. She asked if I had any side effects and I said my fine motor skills are affected. I can’t seem to hold a pen without shaking a bit. Writing is smooth once I start but I do tremble a little bit. I don’t know if it is anxiety or what but I hate that this is happening. I love writing in my journal and that this tremor is keeping me from writing when I need to. I also want to write to the therapist but I am not sure what to write. I will ask her when I talk to her next Monday.

My pcp messed up my pain meds so now I am behind a week with my other pain meds. He didn’t send off a 30 day supply. I now got to wait till this weekend to get it. I blame that stupid NP in the hospital for messing up the counts. I don’t know why she felt the need to give me a script when I already had a script and my doc would have done it not her. Would have been easier to do things through my pcp than through her anyways.

Surgeon asked if I was voiding and I told him I was. He asked if I could feel myself be full. I can at times but not 100% of the time. I still need to cath every day so I make sure that I am empty. Today I haven’t been voiding much on my own. I have had to cath because I just couldn’t feel full even though I know I drank enough that I should have been full. I still can’t believe this is my new life. It takes so much out of me knowing that I am not a full bodied person anymore. It kills me that this may not go away. I just worry about bowel accidents now because of feeling numb. I haven’t taken Miralax since I have been home. I keep forgetting to take it. It is hard because I don’t have a cup in my room to mix it up in. I keep forgetting to bring up a cup. I might use a water bottle for my mixing. I bought a 32 oz Gatorade bottle that I can mix my drinks in. I bought the powder to make Gatorade. I figure that might help cut down on buying the stuff. I would make a bottle now but my back is all locked up from this morning’s activities. I am really hurting. I am also so very tired despite taking a three hour nap. I just hope I am not up in pain all night because I slept during the day. I am feeling sleepy as I took my night meds an hour ago. I hope I am asleep before midnight. That would be good if I was able to sleep before midnight with no trips to the bathroom. Last night I woke up once or twice but was able to stay in bed. I didn’t have to use the bathroom. I think if I got up I probably wouldn’t have woken up at 9 like I did today.

Tomorrow PT is coming. I am not sure if nursing is going to come by or not. I usually will get a call in the morning if they are going to come by. I don’t think they need to because I saw the surgeon today and I am doing good. I am just worried about PT and what they will want me to do. I want to do what they ask of me but at the same time, I am not sure that I can do it. I forgot to ask the surgeon about it. Being fart brained didn’t help. I wish I had coffee before I left the house. It would have helped tremendously. I think I will have coffee tomorrow at my sister’s. She has a Keurig that is awesome.