the 330 am blog

The 330 am blog

I’ve been up since 0130 because of pain. My right shoulder hurts and didn’t get better until I got up and started stretching it out a bit. I’ve been in a weird mood since waking up. I feel like I should be suicidal with the amount of pain that I am in but I am not. I don’t know if this is a good sign that I am getting better or what. I think the groups is helping me though I don’t know how because the skills I haven’t learned really. I know what they are but I haven’t worked on them. I have tried the DEAR MAN skill that my therapist wants me to but we had to go over it and then I dissociated afterwards so I don’t remember a thing about what we talked about. I didn’t even know if I had attended the session so I asked her if I did. She said I did. So weird.

I have one more week of groups and then I am done and I don’t think I will go back. It was too stressful. Plus my email kept deleting the emails that the clinicians were sending and I don’t know why that is. I got to make a rule so that it goes to my inbox and nowhere else.

My therapist wants me to send her screenshots of the handouts I am given during groups. I think she wants to make sure I am going and I find this irritating. I feel like she doesn’t trust me. The agreement was that I would text her and Then I would have a response to what I was texting. Thing is the past few days I haven’t had any responses to what I text her about. I feel like this is a one way street again.

I haven’t really participated in group that past few days. I listen but I have been getting bored. Even the group that I thought would be interesting was a flop. I didn’t like it at all. I have been going to the first three groups because those are the most important ones as they are mostly clinical. The first one is just a check in and the other two are either CBT or DBT groups. I find it interesting that they are using both therapies in the program. Both are useful, don’t get me wrong and they do work to their own extent.

I love the therapist that I have in the program. He is so energetic and empathetic and fun to work with. He is a really good guy and I love when he leads groups because he makes them fun instead of boring. He brings this energy that is positive and soothing. I love it. I am going to miss him when I leave. I feel like I should write him an email but I think I will wait as it is the weekend. I am surprised the hospital doesn’t recognize MLK day. It is this Monday and my therapist is off but the program is on. Very weird.

I have put back the weight I lost. I am disappointed in this because I was able to go below 200 and now I am a few pounds over. My struggle with weight is so finicky. It all depends on my appetite and if I eat regularly. Lately I have just been eating one meal a day because I usually full and don’t want to eat anything else for the day. This talking about eating is making me hungry. I think I am going to make scrambled eggs with cheese. I just hope we have the bread.

any thoughts?

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