Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

Downpouring rain

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Today was downpouring rain all day. I didn’t go to my eye appt. I didn’t want to be walking and traveling in the rain. I got up late. I wasn’t in the mood for coffee but I made it anyway. I drank a quarter of it and threw away the rest. It has been wicked cold and my CRPS foot has been ice all day. I finally put socks on.

Therapy was a disaster. I talked maybe for fifteen minutes and the rest of the time I was silent. I just couldn’t talk. Nothing was coming to me. It was the most painful session I’ve ever had. I see her next week. I think she wanted me to see her again this week but I couldn’t go through another session like this.

My back went out on me twice today. Both times I was on the toilet. It was hard to cath. I’ve been taking pain meds and ibuprofen to deal. It has helped some but I am still hurting if I move a certain way. My therapist said it was the curse of being in your 40’s. I’ve had back issues since I was a kid so I don’t think that is the case for me.

Sox won yesterday so they advance to the Wild Card game, a one game win or go home elimination game. We play the snakes so should be interesting. I am excited about it. It is keeping me interested in something. I don’t know what I will do when baseball ends. I think I will just get more depressed.

I forgot to mention yesterday was my T anniversary. I have been on Testosterone for three years now. I am happy with the changes but will be more so once I get top surgery. I am getting there. I just need to lose weight. It has been hard past few days to be motivated about eating good. I’ve just been having cereal. Better than not having anything.

back out and game 162

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Back out and game 162

I had things to do today and my back is out. I can’t even so much as change my pants it hurts too much. I asked my niece to pick up my meds. That is the most important of the errands that need to be done today. I can possibly get the half and half tomorrow while I am out for my morning appointment, if I remember and I am not in a huge rush to be home for my therapy appointment.

I couldn’t write yesterday as I was too tired. I had slept most of the day because I just couldn’t get going and when I did my back hurt. It has been a struggle to cath because I have to stand and it hurts my back. I just posted a cute cat pic. I had started “watching” the game via MLB.com and Twitter. By the 8th inning, I had to listen to the game. The suspense was killing me. I am glad I did because the bats became alive in the top of the 9th and we won the game 5-3. It was a nail biting game. Sale is pitching today. He is was one of my favorite pitchers and he is good so I am hoping if the Sox give him run support, we will win today.

I am hoping to shower and shave today. I smell. I have been sweating even though it has been cool in my room. I have to shave my head today because it has been almost three days since my last shave. It just gets rough if I don’t shave frequently. I am starting to get sort of a bowl top as the sides have grown in since my last haircut at the barber. I won’t be able to get another haircut until my next pay period. I am in financial straights right now as my stupid bank allow three transactions to go through without sufficient funds. Now I am in the negative and I have no idea how to get back to black. The fees alone are going to kill me. I am freaking out about how much I am not going to afford my bills next month being in debt the way that I am.

I need to make sure I am up tomorrow early so that I can go to the lab for my urine tests. I am having so much trouble with the stupid urge when I cath. I have an eye appointment in town. Hope my hip is better for walking tomorrow. I have a long walk to the office from the station. Hope I can walk to and back without problems. There is a Starbucks across the street so I can treat myself when I am finished. I just set two alarms so I am up. Hopefully I won’t shut them off and then doze off. That won’t be good!

1st october 2021

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

1st of October 2021

It is finally a cold day. The house is really cold and I love it. I have socks on my feet so my feet can try and stay warm. My CRPS foot is currently cold even though I have socks on and it is under blankets. One of my meds is ready at the pharmacy. The other won’t be ready until Mon when the stock comes in. I haven’t been in the mood to leave the house. I’ve been really irritable because my abdomen still hurts. I finally had a decent movement followed by runs and gas. I feel a little bit better. My bladder still hurts because of the pushing I was doing. I got in touch with my nurse and they want a urine sample. I was going to go but I took a dose of Miralax this morning and didn’t want to chance getting colon blow outside the house. My mother has been annoying me all day with noises. I think I am getting overstimulated because of the pain I have been in. I feel like a deflated tire now. I feel better than I did before but I am still achy from all the pressure.

Monday I have an eye appointment for my annual exam. I plan on leaving early so I can go to the lab to drop off a urine specimen. Hopefully the lab won’t be too busy in the morning. I have an appointment with my therapist in the afternoon so I can’t wait too long after the eye exam.

I am so drained. I haven’t been feeling well since last night when the abdominal pain got really bad. What made this so awful was that I couldn’t fart at all. It took all I had just to move my bowels and it hurt. I don’t know if all the shit is out of me. I haven’t gone again in an hour so I think I am good. The pain has lessened. Now just my bladder hurts. I just emptied it but it still hurts.

I have no idea what I am going to do this weekend. Sox have three games left with the Nats. I am not sure how we will do. It is win or go home right now. They lost last night and it was very disappointing. My cousin was texting me all night like I wasn’t listening to the game. He drove me nuts. I can’t believe baseball season is almost over.

I feel depressed. My doc increased the Pristiq. It has been a week that I am on the higher dose. I don’t feel any different. I just been feeling tired and a little more anxious about things. Also more likely to become irritable about things. I couldn’t believe how much sound was affecting me today. Last night I was late in taking my night meds so I was up late. It took a while for me to settle down after the last out of the game. I am going to take them earlier tonight so I am not up so late.