Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

randomness

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Randomness

I woke up twice during the night to pee. My med alarm went off at 830 and I just shut it off. I laid there for a couple of hours. I was awake but I just didn’t want to get up. I finally did when I had to pee again and it was causing me horrible pain. I have been constipated all week and my bowels don’t feel well. I went today but my bowels still feel off. I need to take some more Miralax.

My uro got back to me yesterday afternoon. She wants to study my bladder again. I said ok. I am waiting for her medical assistant to call me to schedule testing. If I don’t hear from her in a week, I will call the office and make an appointment. I am still having trouble going. I can either cath or void but if I void, I have to cath afterwards because I haven’t been emptying my bladder. There has been a lot of urine left. So far today, there hasn’t been that much but I still need to empty it. I haven’t been drinking too much, or eating. I am hungry but I don’t know what to eat. I am thinking of making eggs. My mother is making boiled radishes. I haven’t had radishes in a long time.

Yesterday I went to the hospital for a blood draw for a research study. The building was far away from the entrance. It is the furthest building as it is on the other side of the hospital. I had to sit and rest half way there as I got tired.

My back went out after I had my coffee and was washing out my mug. It took some IB and some pain meds to calm it down enough so I could shave and shower. I felt better after the shower. My leg is hurting me right now. The weather is much colder than it has been. I think because the temps dropped so much I am hurting. Happens every time there is a huge change. I love the cold weather though. I will take it over a hot day any day and twice on Sunday. I have been taking things slow as I don’t want my back to flare up again. I thought my pain meds would be ready for pick up today but there is some kind of delay. Figures.

Sox won yesterday, finally. I was asleep most of the game as I was really tired after walking all around the hospital yesterday. There are only four more games left in the season and the wild card is still in doubt. All depends if we win the next few games. I will be hugely disappointed if they don’t make playoffs.

I haven’t gone back to reading “Medical Apartheid” yet. I plan on finishing the chapter once I make myself something to eat. It is a very interesting book but a tough read given the content. I hope the book goes into some detail about the Tuskagee Syphilis study. I am curious to know what exactly went on there.

study and new book

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Study and a new book

A few weeks ago I applied for some Covid research on long covid symptoms as I still had some even though it has been five months since I had it. I got called today for one of them and will be getting my blood drawn tomorrow. I have been drinking a lot of fluid so my veins will be easy to find, I hope.

I spent the day sleeping as I was just so damn tired. We had thunderstorms this morning that scared the shit out of me. The thunder was so damn loud I thought a bomb went off. I had two cups of coffees back to back and I was still tired. I took a nap before the researcher called me. I took another nap after the researcher finished with the consent and setting up a time to get my blood drawn. I planned on shaving my head and face when I woke up and I did do that. I missed a spot on my face so I need to redo it later.

After I had dinner, I started reading “Medical Apartheid” by Harriet Washington. It is about how African Americans were used in medical experimentation since the times of slavery to the present. This is a grueling account of those events. I had read about how black women were used for gyn surgeries, often without anesthesia. Some of the women didn’t survive these surgeries and other atrocities such as rape.

It has been a very dark day with the thunderstorms. This morning was so dark I had to turn on the kitchen light to see. Rain was so heavy at times. I don’t ever remember a day being so dark before. After the rain it got light but by seven it was dark again.

depression continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

Depression continues

I had a rough night of weird dreams. I dreamt of my sister in law who just died a few weeks ago. She had been on my mind recently and I guess she manifested in my dreams. In the dream, we were supposed to be going home. I was driving but no matter what road I took it was a dead end. I kept driving around in circles trying to find the street that would take me home and I couldn’t find it. My med alarm went off so I took my meds and then used the bathroom. I had my coffee and still felt sleepy. I had a bowl of cereal and then went back to bed. I slept for a few hours, dream free. I woke up still feeling tired but a little better. My mood was still in the gutter.

My therapist texted me this morning asking if she could see me today rather than tomorrow. I said ok. We met and it went ok. She had her dog in her lap so I got to see him for a bit. He is cute. We talked about my bladder issues but she didn’t get it. She didn’t validate me or understand what I was going through. I felt more depressed about it as we spoke. We talked about writing and being consistent with it. I think I am doing that with my daily blog writing. It has helped me with my anxiety a lot. It only helps a little bit with the depression.

I was very tired after session. I tried taking another nap but couldn’t. I got really bad gas pains in my chest. I keep burping which has relieving some of the pain but my stomach feels icky. I am kind of hungry. I think I am just going to have a bowl of cereal for dinner. I don’t feel like cooking. I was able to brush my teeth this morning after I had my coffee. I need to shave my head and face but I am having trouble finding the energy to do it. I love the bald feel but it is a chore to shave every other day or so. I wanted to bring this up to my therapist but I felt like it would be vain of me.

My leg has flared up again. It has been hurting me most of the afternoon and now into the evening. I’ve been taking BT meds for it. It is almost time to take another dose. Also almost time to take my night meds. There is no game tonight so I plan on going to bed early. I haven’t read today so I might finish the chapter I was reading yesterday. I had to take a break from it because it upset me. This book has not been an easy read.