Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

A major oopsie

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

Since Tuesday my heart rate has been really high. I knew the leak and not resting were part of it. The other oops was that I didn’t put in my beta blocker blood pressure medication in either of my med boxes for the week. I haven’t been taking it because of this mistake. Today after I walked to pharmacy my heart rate was in 130s. I had to take the beta blocker. I took it and then just laid down as difficult as it was. My heart rate went down to 100s. I took an ativan as I couldn’t stand the palpitations. That dropped it to the 90s. I just continued to lay on my bed trying not to move. I couldn’t read my phone so I just put music on. I tried to relax. It was the hardest thing to do.

My heart rate is now in the 80s where I hope it will stay, unless I got to go pee. I’ve been trying not to drink too much because I don’t want to pee. I get lightheaded when I stand up because of the heart problem. I know it is because of the spinal fluid leak and once it is healed, I will be ok. I literally need to lay flat for more than 2 hours at a time to feel better. This sucks so much.

Thought I would have this in my blogg today. It resonates with me.i got to write out stuff I want to talk to my therapist about on Monday. Just hope I can be awake enough to do it.

blah and tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Blah and tired

I had my appointment with my neurosurgeon this morning. We talked about the MRI results. I do have a leak but it isn’t something major. It is medium size so we are just going to monitor the headaches and see if the steroids help it. He wants me to increase activity but slowly. Just taking one walk per day and resting the rest of the time as I need to be careful with my back. I didn’t ask him about more PT sessions. The PT that I have been working with that I don’t like is coming tomorrow. I hope she doesn’t work me too hard because that will be bad. I honestly don’t want to have PT but I know I need it.

After I had breakfast and my tea, I had to give myself my T shot. The first injection didn’t go well as it felt wrong and sure enough it was. I hit a vein and there was blood. UGH. I didn’t inject in that leg I used my other one. I had to. I didn’t want to risk another venipuncture. The second injection went smoothly and I didn’t even feel it. So yay for doing it right, the second time. I was sleepy afterwards so I decided to take a nap and then I would shower and then go to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. That was the plan anyways. It didn’t happen because I woke up at 3 and was too tired to leave the house. I did take a quick shower. I also shaved my face. I had to because I was starting to get stubble again. I want to be clean shaven for a while, though I still have my mustache.

I ordered food for dinner as I didn’t want to cook anything. I was supposed to get a milkshake with my order but I didn’t. I was sorely disappointed. I had asked the delivery guy about it and he just kept on saying no. Jerk. I wanted that one sweet thing today. I have been in such a blah mood. Pain hasn’t been helping my mood at all. I have been having bladder cramps the past hour or so for some reason. I hate them. They feel like period cramps. I took some Tylenol for them though I know that probably won’t help any. I’m feeling really low right now and I don’t know why. It came on so suddenly. I feel like I shouldn’t be around anymore. That has been my feeling for most of the week. I didn’t think I would get back to these dark moods so suddenly but I have. I guess the affects of the anesthesia have worn off now and I am back to my depressed mood. It was good having a little respite from it. I hope I sleep tonight.

Bad fricken day

by Midnight Demon, posted in depression

I woke up around 6 am with my ankle being stabbed. I took my last BT med that I had. I stayed up and then made breakfast. I was not in a good mood. I had to go to the pharmacy to get my meds. I left the house a couple hours after they opened. It was a better day put today than yesterday. The wind and rain finally stopped. I got to the pharmacy and there was a line. So much for being in and out. I waited and when I was called, found that my pain meds still wasn’t being worked on. The guy said it would be an hour and I told him I would be back.

I walked home and started having palpitations. My heart rate over 100, resting before I left the house. When it calmed down, I left. But then it shot back up again. I started drinking Gatorade thinking I was dehydrated. It made no difference. My heart rate stayed in the 90s most of the day. I took some ativan for the palpitations.

I met with my psychopharm and she thought it was a symptom of Covid19. I don’t have any other symptoms so we quickly ruled it out. She gave me the hotline number for Covid at the hospital in case I do get symptoms. We talked about things that were going on and medication. She refilled my meds that I needed. I’ll pick them up tomorrow. I just felt really depressed all day. Pain was driving me nuts. The ankle pain never really settled down. I wanted to shower today but I hurt too much. The second trip to the pharmacy killed me. My back is just not strong enough for two trips outside. I rested and tried to take a nap but failed. I just couldn’t relax enough. I hope I can sleep tonight because I have an early morning appt with my neurosurgeon tomorrow. I will find out what the results of the MRI are. I am pretty nervous but I hope I am ok.

I felt depressed this morning because of pain. I expressed my feelings in Facebook and then got reported. Fuckers. I told my therapist and she wanted to know who reported me. I said I don’t know as it is anonymous. So frustrating to open up and then be shot down. I won’t be doing that again. I’m so sick of it. So that made my mood worse. Today has not been a good day.

fricken cold for end of April

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Fricken cold for end of April

It has been freezing today with cold wind and rain. I wanted to pick up my meds but they still aren’t ready and the wait time for the phone was ridiculous. Soon as you were the next caller they hung up on you. So rude. I am so unhappy with this pharmacy. It has been a wreck since it was taken over by another chain. It had gotten better for a while but now regular staff is not there and I have no idea why they aren’t picking up the damn phones. Just aggravating to then stand in line and be told to wait three fricken hours.

I had therapy today but it was frustrating. Therapist wanted me to talk about how I was feeling but I wasn’t feeling anything and not much for talking. I hate morning appointments because I am not awake enough to be in a mood. I think I am going to have to start writing some stuff down to talk about because I keep on being blank. I took a three hour nap afterwards that I am still tired from. I just cannot get going today. I wanted to shower but it is so fricken cold I don’t feel like it. Tomorrow supposed to rain, too. Fricken sucks. I hope my prescription is ready or I will be pissed. I will have to go twice to the pharmacy to get it squared away. I am almost done with my current script so I need it filled like today. I am so aggravated that this is taking so damn long.

I wish I was more talkative during therapy but there wasn’t things I wanted to discuss. She tried getting me to talk about my feelings but it was hard as I wasn’t feeling them at the time. We talked about ways of coping with the feelings when they came up. I said I would write or color and she wanted something more but I didn’t have any ideas. I should have said music as that is my go to when I am upset. I have been playing a lot of Mary Chapin to calm down. It is just soothing music. I can’t wait till her new album comes out. I am not sure when it will given the present circumstances. This virus is taking a toll on every thing. I am feeling so cooped up and want to go out to go to Starbucks but I can’t because I don’t even know if they are open. I wouldn’t want to take public transportation now anyway. The city I live in just called for mandatory masks when out in public. I think that is a good idea. It will be a $300 fine if you don’t have one. Yikes! I am glad my sister gave me one because I misplaced the one I had. I had bought a few that are washable. I think they are coming from China so I probably won’t get them till next month.

I got a new book today called Untamed. I am not sure what it is about but I heard it was good. I plan on reading it after I finish the Neil Gaiman book that I am reading, whenever that is. I haven’t been good with reading lately. I have the time but I mostly just end up on social media and my time flies. If I don’t make the time to read, I don’t. The book that I am reading is getting weird so I am not sure I want to continue with it. I love Gaiman but his book are creepy at times. The images he conjures up are sometimes startling. I never forgot reading American Gods and how a woman god was turned into hamburger by being run over repeatedly. Freaky and I read this book like 3 years ago.

I should shower and shave. I might do that tomorrow. It is supposed to be a little warmer. But it is going to be a wet week. UGH. I know we need the rain but sucks the weather being cold. Just glad it isn’t snowing.