Author: Midnight Demon

suicide attempt survivor writing about the hopelessness that accompanies depression and chronic pain that no one likes to talk about. also writing about my daily struggle with chronic pain and how it affects my suicidality

paying the price

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Paying the price

My med alarm went off and I didn’t want to get up. I needed to use the bathroom but I was having cramps really bad and knew it would hurt to void. I fell back to sleep and an hour later I couldn’t delay going anymore. I hurt big time but I know I didn’t empty because of the pain. I brushed my teeth and went back upstairs. I thought of going back to sleep but I couldn’t so I went back downstairs to have coffee and a burrito.

I had to do some stuff around my room. I cleared a box of books, sorting them into to read/read/reference piles and put them in the bin that is out in my hallway. This meant multiple trips back and forth. Once the stuff had been packed away, I put the boxes that were on top of the book box in the bin. I then made a note of what was in it so that I remembered should I be wanting a particular book. I also saved some journals that were in there. I really want to have a box just of my old journals so that I can find them easily should I need them for something. Right now they are haphazardly around my room but still in piles of some sort. They certainly aren’t chronologically arranged. I guess I will do that eventually but I mostly just want them together so I know where they are.

Pats are playing right now and leading 23-0 over the Bills, in the 1st quarter. Sox play their last game of the season today at 3pm. Eduardo Rodriguez has a chance of winning his 20th game of the season, if the Sox don’t blow it for him. He has really come along as a great pitcher that I knew he would be. Hard to believe there was a time we didn’t think he could pitch beyond the 3rd inning but he as gone as far as 7 and a 1/3 innings and 10+ strikeouts, which is pretty awesome. I am brokenhearted the season is over. The post-season is okay but I really don’t pay attention to it because no one I want to see win is playing. There have been four teams to win 100 games this season, which is a record.

I am still having bladder cramps. I need to send a message to my uro to see what can be done about it. I might have to wait another few days before they calm down. I am trying my best to wait it out but fuck, I hurt. Think I need to get my heating pad. That usually helps temporarily. Foot is already flaring up so I am doing good in the pain department.

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 28-9-19

Finally had the new pumpkin cream cold brew coffee. It is meh. Tastes a bit watered down with pumpkin cream. I ordered a venti and I doubt I am going to drink all of it. Wish the coffee part was stronger. It is my first coffee since coming home from the hospital. I tried having a cold brew at home but the half and half was spoiled so had curled cream at the top. Gross.

I shaved before leaving the house and when I did, I forgot my headphones because I am using a different bag. I brought my laptop to Starbucks to write and maybe be creative. So far nothing is really coming to me so I might just surf the web and social media.

Last night pain had hit and I was again suicidal, though not to the degree I have been in the last few months. So I started thinking of what to talk about with the therapist. I am going to bring a few things about suicide safety planning as well as the paper I wrote about how she can help me. It is three pages plus the Crisis Response Plan. I also thumbed through the 2nd edition of CAMS and found a new page in the initial form. It is called CAMS stabilization plan. I think I will print off that sheet only and if the therapist is interested in the SSF, I will bring it the next session. I might ask her to meet twice a week but I don’t know if that is doable. If it is, I just want it to be a few weeks as I have just been discharged from the hospital. I sent her a couple of scheduled texts that discuss this and I hope she is open to it. I sent her the link to the Stanley/Brown safety plan site. I hope she can go to it and see what I am talking about. There is no plan that I have found yet that has clinician and client sign in an agreement. If she isn’t open to this, I probably won’t bring up my suicidality to her. I just feel like it wouldn’t be worth it if she isn’t open to my ideas on what could help me. Sure I can do it on my own but that hasn’t been working out. Hell, if I could fix myself I would! This needs to be a collaborative effort. I can’t tolerate any less than that.

I have no idea how the psychopharm is going to take my hospitalization. I am going to tell him I want off the Lamictal. I really don’t think it is helping me. We can get off it and if need be, go back on it should the hypomanic stuff comes back, which I don’t think is likely. It is something to monitor though. I will take the odd day that I feel euphoric though. I just hope he is open to me coming off and not going on another mood stabilizer. I have thought about going on Depakote but I really don’t want to go through the blood draws. That was one of the reasons why Lithium sucked so bad, other than the side effects.

Since last night, I have been having severe bladder cramps. I know it is because I am switching alpha blockers again. I had to take another one while in the hospital because the one that my uro prescribed was not in their formulary. I have had increased leakage and less voiding. I haven’t been drinking regularly either so that doesn’t help the bladder issues. If I am full, I am not getting the sensation. I am just in so much fucking pain. I am tempted to send a message to my uro to see what can be done about it until the medicine is back in my system. I took Ativan while in the hospital to quiet the cramps and I could do that now that I am out. I have free rein on my meds so I can take them as I damn well please rather than have a doctor order for when I need it. I just took my night meds which has an Ativan along with my pain meds. I hope that this helps the cramps and pain. I am so sick of hurting. My ankle pain has just decided to kick itself up. I hope this isn’t a long night of pain like last night. I didn’t go to sleep till almost 3 am. I think I read a chapter of Harry Potter and then went to sleep as I couldn’t keep my eyes open anymore. I am reading the 6th book, the Half-Blood Prince. I like and hate this book because we learn about Horcruxes and sucks because Dumbledore dies. I forget who runs the school in the 7th book, but then, Harry wasn’t attending due to chasing down Horcruxes. The 7th is my favorite even though a lot of characters died. I don’t know how JK Rowling could create these beautiful characters and then kill them off. I am sure it affected her, too. I am not sure I could ever create characters and kill them off just to tell a story. But that is just me.

pretty smile

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Pretty smile

I did some errands that needed to be done. I also went grocery shopping which killed my legs. I had to take an Uber home because I just couldn’t walk to the bus stop to go home. It worked out. On the way, I realized I forgot half and half. Oh well. I still have a quart that I bought with last month’s groceries. I didn’t get groceries this month as I really didn’t need much. I bought cold cuts, chicken patties, and a pizza my nephew and I like. That should last me a week or two so I have my food that I can make quickly should pain or fatigue be an issue. I gained about 5 pounds while in the hospital, which was the weight I loss prior to being admitted. I see my TG doc in a few weeks so I hope I lose some of it by then. Hope with all the walking and standing I did today I don’t have a flare. I am hurting right now but it is mostly soreness. My thigh is still bothering me and I don’t know why. I don’t know if it is nerve pain or muscle. I think it is nerve because it feels like someone is poking me really hard. If It continues, I will just put a lidocaine patch on it. That really helps it.

I talked with my psych again. It was good talking to her. I said I wanted to get off the Lamictal and will tell the new psychopharm about it. I really don’t think it is helping. If I do become hypomanic, I will get off it but we’ll see. I haven’t had a hypomanic episode in a really, really long time. I have been depressed more than I have been the past 10 years. She wants me to use the therapist and psychopharm as supports. I just don’t know if I can do that. I have a hard time trusting people because I have been burned so much. Also the conversation I had with the therapist yesterday didn’t ease my thoughts on it. She was being sneaky in her questioning of who to contact when I am feeling unsafe. I told her I felt comfortable with contacting my psych and then she said she wanted me to contact her but she can’t stop me from contacting my psych, like WTF. Why didn’t she say that first? Because it was “helpful to know where my thinking was.” Really? Wanted to tell her to fuck off at that point. I responded with you know I have a better relationship with my psych, right? I wanted to say more about what to work on with regards to my suicidality but I couldn’t fit that into a text message. So I said we can talk about it next week and that I would let her know so both of you are on the same page. I never got a response from that text. Fuck. I am going to print out the thing I wrote that my psych suggested I do as I put things better in writing than I do talking. I think I need to add to it some more. I also need to find the 2nd edition of the David Jobes CAMS book as there is a new crisis response thing that I think both patient and client signs as an agreement but I am not sure. I only just glanced at it. I still mean to update the SSF as there have been some changes to it.

Last night, a suicidologist I follow was looking for research articles and books on suicide. I sent her my EndNote file that I had that listed all the suicide papers/books that I have collected over the past 10+ years. Made me realize how much I miss academia. I wish I could go back to school. I think it would help me structure my time a little better.

I am glad I am home. I didn’t like coming home to find that my stuff that was in the hallway has been all packed up. No one told me this and I am really pissed about it. My bookcase is empty and my sister wants me to get rid of it. Fuck no. Why should I get rid of something I fucking paid for?? We also talked about how I have to clear my room out (in a week!!) to place stuff in the alcoves and also do the little remodeling in my room. Where my stuff/furniture is to go, I have no clue. I really don’t want to be sleeping on the couch as that has been my niece’s sleeping spot. But where I am to sleep while the rug is torn up and the wall fixed, I have no clue. I might have to sleep at my sister’s place until the room is done. I will have to repaint my room, which I want to be Fenway green. Paint is probably going to be expensive but I don’t care. It is the color I want my room. Probably will take a few weeks to do. That is if I don’t end up ending myself. I still think about it all the time. I’ve done the last few things I needed to take care of. Now is just a matter of when I will go through with it. And with my stupid pain starting to flare up from today’s activities, I really don’t see how I can’t go through with it.

It was sad, it was tragic

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder

Been having a bad day. Since I woke up, I felt like I wanted to die. I didn’t want to interact with anyone. Wish I could have just stayed in bed all day but can’t do that while inpatient. I just felt so defeated I didn’t get discharged yesterday so i could attempt today or tomorrow. I asked to be discharged and was refused. Doc again misgendered me, despite the CM correcting her. Later the CM told me she doesn’t know why she is not adhering to my pronouns as it is in my chart I am male. I sent a complaint in. I don’t give a fuck. This is just disrespectful at this point and no, I cannot let it roll off my back.

The CM and Chaplin told me that I am making myself hopeless and depressed. I must be also making up the pain as well. Course they aren’t with me right now as my ankle/foot are throbbing so fucking bad and the malleolus is being stabbed repeatedly. Just feel like I’ve been invalidated all day today. All I can think of is I will be free in a few days from this hell hole and then I can put my plan to action. I made that up and will follow through next week. Probably before my supposed appts with the therapist and psychopharm.

I met with the reporter that is doing a book on suicide. Spent two hours talking to him. It went well though my ankle didn’t like it after. I am in so much pain right now but it is worth it. Least the data I am providing might help someone. Never thought I wouldn’t complete it.

I am tired and tonight I am reminded of why I want to kill myself. Most of the day I wasn’t suicidal. Maybe passing thoughts but when I was meeting with the CM I told her straight out I will be dead when I leave here. Don’t think she believed me. Her loss when I don’t call her in three month like she wants me to. She wanted me to do volunteer work and I told her my LTD doesn’t allow it. She said she will talk to them. Ok. I then asked are you my social worker now? And she said yes. She is whacked. She said she is going to give me her number. She is wasting her time.

I am in awful pain. It was more than two hours that I sat in a chair today. Spent an hour talking to the CM and then another hour with the chaplin. So 4 hours and my ankle is thanking me right now. Malleolus is being stabbed. And the suicidal stabbing has started. If I had lido I would use it right now. No idea what else I can do. Maybe diclofenac gel. I’ll see if I can get it before end of shift.