Having a lot of pain so here is a golden retriever protecting a kitten
Not up for writing as I didn’t do much today. Here is a pic of a pittie pup. One of my favorite kinds of dogs
2019May10 worries on my mind, pain in my heart
I saw my psych today and the first thing she said to me was “have a mustache.” I laughed. I had taken a selfie while at the bus stop and when it popped up on my timeline on FB, I really noticed it being darker than it was even a week ago. Sometimes it is the small things you don’t notice right away. I sort of have been in a gender incongruent/dysphoric mood today as I feel like my breasts are a thousand pounds each. Also feeling bloated doesn’t help. I am not sure why I am bloated as I haven’t eaten gassy foods today, unless it is leftover gas from the burrito I had last night. I am just uncomfortable with my body right now and I don’t like it. I loathe myself so much right now.
My appointment kind of went as planned, with the exception of the hospital being my choice. She is insisting on me going in the hospital next week when my sisters come home. I told her to please find out of the psych unit prescribes pain medication because if they don’t, there will be problems. I most certainly won’t be going in if I can’t have pain meds. I am to call her Tuesday so she can find out about beds as we sort of agreed on a Wed admission. I honestly don’t know if things will be better by then. I doubt it as I am getting closer and closer to an attempt. We didn’t discuss the means, thank god. But she is not letting this get worse as it already has been.
I have already packed a bag. I just need to see if I packed shorts because I don’t want to be hot as the temps have been climbing up. I also need to make sure I have extra underwear as I have been leaking a lot more than usual lately. The increase in the pain meds have caused more retention than I expected. I am still hoping it will level off but who knows when that will be. It has been a few weeks since I started the new dose so maybe a few weeks more as my body adjusts. Course this also goes with how many breakthrough meds I have been taking as that also causes retention. I honestly don’t get the signal to pee until I am practically ready to burst. This is due to the nerve damage caused by cauda equina syndrome. Even though it has been more than 10 years, I still have damage that is permanent.
After I left my psych’s office and was on the way to the train home, I got hit with the biggest heart ache. It hit me so hard, I could barely breathe. It has been bad like this the past three or four days now. I really don’t know what brings it on. But I guess that is the nature of psychache, just comes on when you least expect it. Then when I came home and got into my PJs, my damn ankle exploded in pain. Pain got worse as I have been typing this blog. I was getting hungry so just had a protein bar. I was going to have Nutella on a flour tortilla but doesn’t look like that will be happening. I hope I can sleep tonight. My psych was astounded when I told her I had 5 shots of espresso. I can handle it, though I probably should have had four. I don’t think it will keep me up as much as the pain will. I am already experiencing sensory overload as noises have been bothering me. My mother is playing her dice game in the kitchen. I swear I’d like to toss them in the trash one day. Fucking hate the noise!! Nothing worse than hard plastic hitting glass. And she seems to be playing it whenever she is in the kitchen now, with the blasted TV at full volume. I just want to die and I know the night is only going to get worse between my psychache and physical pain.
Having a bad pain day. I was up for 22 hours and then slept for 4. I stayed up for a few hours. Then decided to nap and just as I drifting off, some idiot from Wisconsin called me. WTF I don’t know anyone from there except one person and I doubt she would be calling me. I never went back to sleep. The way I had my head on my arm caused pain and I just gave up.
I made a burrito with some ground beef and taco seasoning. It good. The way my ankle/foot feel right now is as if I stood on it all day. Fucking killing me. I already took my BT med before I tried to nap. Can’t take another one till later.
Last night I emailed my psych and flat out told her what was running through my head and such. I didn’t get a phone call or a response
so not sure she it or if she did and couldn’t respond. I see her tomorrow though I don’t want to. It is going to be tricky with the bus schedule. My appt is at 330 and the only two options I have are a 120 and 154 bus times. I am thinking 120 will probably work but it all depends if i am up or not. I have the chance to go to Starbucks. Not sure what my appetite will be. Only thing I had today was that burrito and coffee. I’ve only been eating one meal a day, if that. I try to make something simple but it isn’t always easy.
I know I probably should be in the hosp but with my sisters going away the next few days, it just isn’t feasible. I could go anyway but I would have severe guilt if something were to happen to my egg donor (aka mother). I doubt my nephew would be able to handle it. Even though I hate the bitch, I fricken care for her, though I don’t know why. She doesn’t care about me in the same way. She doesn’t accept me for me and is transphobic so why should I fricken care what happens to her?
I am scared my psych will tell me I need to go in anyways. I know my suicidality is getting worse and the odds of me actually acting are increasing. I keep thinking of suicide every waking moment. Not to when your heart is full of pain and anguish and despair all rolled into one. I don’t know if my pain will get worse. I am already being affected by sounds because of the sleep deprivation. Think I am going to take some neurontin and an ativan now. Then when I take my night meds, will take another BT med and hope things will be under control. The weight on my chest is so great I feel like I can’t breathe. I’ve never been this suicidal for this length of time. Been almost two months now. Past week, I have no idea how I am still here. Had a couple of nights where I didn’t think I was going to make it. Unfortunately, it was past 10pm so I didn’t want to call my psych that late. She would be really worried, more than she is now. I hate the amount of concern I am causing her. This is why I don’t want her to see me but she does anyway. I’ve to wiggle out but, fuck, she always gives me no choice but to see her. I do have a choice but if I don’t see her, she will send police after me. Kind of sucks I am in the predicament. Living and dying is so hard when you are on the cusp of wanting to die so badly. It hurts so much to be living a life of pain. I don’t get why people want me to suffer just so I am in their life. Boggles my mind.
I’ll stop here. If there are any typos or missing words or things don’t make sense, please let me know. I am typing this on my phone and it has a habit of erasing words after I type them. Thanks for reading.
midnightdemons7 
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