Category: Bipolar Disorder

Pain from the Midnight Demon

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Pain from the Midnight Demon

The last few hours have been excruciating. I have been troubled with the stubborn nerve pain that you can’t do anything about but pray the Neurontin kicks in before you take the entire bottle. I was contemplating that tonight. Just as I was about to take slumber, the nerve pain came out of no where and I was in agony. I played with the blankets. On and off. It made no difference. I hung the foot off the bed. No relief. Then I got nauseous. I had to take a Zofran. The other meds were making me sick because my body wanted to sleep but my damn foot was keeping me up.

Now it’s almost 3 in the morning and I show no signs of sleeping. I just took some pain meds to see if that quiets down the pain some. Maybe some physical pain is masking as nerve pain and that is keeping me up. I never know. My foot can’t talk but it can scream, like a baby in pain. It screams, I cry. There is no relieving this pain insight. Though the first dose of Neurontin seems to have kicked in. I had taken it hours ago. I swear it takes about four hours to relieve nerve pain. It never relieves it right away than say an aspirin relieves a headache.

I have taken all that I can take tonight, both medication wise and patience. Man how my patience runs low when I am in severe pain. I just know that later today I want a damn pizza and my cake. That is all that I want to eat. I am sure that if I fall asleep by 0400, I will wake up around 0900 or so. That always seems to be the case. Then I will have my cake for breakfast and then wait till noon for my pizza. Maybe I will order fries too. I don’t know. I got a good 12 hours before I order.

My computer was making some clicking sounds so I thought it was downloading some updates or running a virus scan. Turns out that for whatever reason, my virus protection software was uninstalled! I have no idea how this happened. Unless I uninstalled it with the intent or reinstalling but never did. But I am reloading it now as we speak. It should take a good half hour or so to download. It takes for ever. That is one thing I hate about McAfee. It a good program but it takes forever to scan and load.

Today my mother called me to find out if I was home. I haven’t left the house all day but she thought because I had an appointment, I would leave. It was a phone therapy appointment so I wasn’t going to leave. She drives me crazy because she knows I have this appointment every week and I keep having to remind her that. Anyways she called and asked what was wrong. I told her I was tired as I didn’t sleep good last night because of pain. She then wants me to go to a small hospital in Boston that specializes in bone. I am tired of seeing doctors and even if I decided to go, who would I see? What kind of doctor? Surgeon? Physiatrist? Ortho? Neuro? I can’t just walk in the place and say, “See me”! She doesn’t get it and it pisses me off to no end. I have been to this hospital before when I first had my back surgery and the doctor just wanted to do injections. I said see ya later. Never went back to him. But he did give me a good recommendation on a book called “Back Pain for Dummies”. Surprisingly, the book actually has the red flags of Cauda Equina Syndrome in it. Great book! It lists all the PT exercises that I have been doing up until that point and more. I shared it will my support group and number of people have bought it. I even bought several copies of it to give to friends and family. I don’t know where the extra copies are now but I know I still have a few.

I really want to make oatmeal pancakes. I have been craving them for a while. Maybe I will make them later today instead of eating cake for breakfast. I would make them now but I hate clean up. I am hungry though as it has been more than eight hours since I last ate. I can have cake now and then the pancakes later. Yes that is what I am going to do.

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Things you think of when you can’t sleep because of pain

I’m having a difficult time right now. My foot is ablaze in pain. I took my pain meds a half hour earlier than I should have. I don’t care. I also took an Ativan because my thoughts are all over the place with anxiety. I am not sure what the anxiety is about. I have been thinking about my therapist the past couple of hours so it might because of her. Our session is still not sitting well with me. I tried writing about it but I just ended up crying. It just got me so upset. So I left the document open but I will come back to it later.

I checked my blog email as I had some messages. In the sidebar, it listed some Velveeta recipes. It looked good so I clicked on it for a chicken and pasta dish. It seems easy to make so I am going to try it. I just need to get the ingredients.

I am really tired but every time I lie down, my ankle acts up. I took it off the covers and that reduced the pain by 40%. But every time I move it to get comfortable, it flares up on me again. I don’t get it. I am not straining it by these movements. And they are not bearing any weight. I don’t know what gives.

I’m having nerve pain so I took some Neurontin to try and ease it. I wish it worked right away but it doesn’t. It takes several hours for it to work. By then, I am usually asleep. I wish I was asleep right now and I would be as I have had a tough day. But this damn pain is horrible tonight. I don’t understand why as I have been in bed most of the day. The only time I pretty much left my room was to use the bathroom and get something to eat, which were very few times. But my pain doesn’t care. It hurts no matter what I do or don’t do. So very frustrating.

I tried the new protein drinks. It’s not bad but it has a bad aftertaste. It has the sweetener stevia in it which is why the calories are so low. I never had this sweetener before so I hope I don’t get sick off it. The drink did filled me up so that was good. I might buy some Ensure for the vitamin part of it as well as adding calories. Drinking five of the protein drinks will only bring me up to 750 calories a day. I need another 300 calories to complete the day. One Ensure will probably do it.

I think I finally cried for my father today as I was crying for the loss of my therapist. I still don’t think I am completely over his death. It will be eight months since his passing, ironically on Christmas. It’s going to be a difficult day.

bad day in therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Bad day of Therapy

After almost sixteen years of working together, my therapist and I are coming to the conclusion of our work. I cried through most of the session. She still wanted to give me some names of therapists that were close by but I think I am done with therapy. I will just see my psychiatrist every 2-3 weeks. I don’t care. I can’t go back to a new therapist because I just don’t want to deal with someone new.

I cried some more after therapy. Sobbed is more like it. I soaked my pillow. I didn’t go out today. If my mother didn’t cook dinner, I probably wouldn’t have eaten either. I might have some cake later. Maybe the chocolate chips and pumpkin will cheer me up some. I never called the dentist to get the hole in my tooth fixed. I will try tomorrow.

The reason that we can’t work together anymore is still unclear to me but I am not going to press the issue. Obviously, my transference blog “opened her eyes” and she doesn’t think I am right for her anymore. If I see any new therapist, I won’t be sharing my blog with them.

I’m having trouble writing today. My heart is broken and I don’t think it will recover. 16 fucking years. We are taking a break. We don’t go back to seeing one another until after the new year. Ironically, it’s the day after our anniversary date.

just don’t have spoons today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Just don’t have the spoons today

I had another aggravating therapy session. My therapist was talking heavily into my pain and I finally had enough after twenty minutes or so. When I said I wanted to talk about something else, she asked why? I told her because this was Psychotherapy not pain therapy. Then she went on about how my pain is influenced by trauma and my anxiety and suicidal thoughts. Well, why weren’t we talking about that then?? So annoys me that she thinks we are talking about one thing and she is talking about another.

Then to make me really lose my patience, she had the audacity to say that I stigmatize myself. I asked her how do I do that. She says because I tell her that I am worthless. I lost it. It’s a goddamn symptom of depression for crying out loud not a stigmatization. I told her we weren’t on the same page today, at all. To make my fucking day, she says that I should see another therapist as a therapist and use this therapy as an adjunctive therapy. WHAT??!!! She still thinks, in her mind, that finding a therapist that is closer to me is the solution to the problem. Yea, her problem.

By the end of session, I was exhausted. I had wanted to go to Starbucks and have my cake but I lost whatever energy I had. I just wanted to sleep. I took another pain pill with my trilafon and read Twitter. I got bored with that so I decided to read “Dark Tide”. I have one chapter left. I will save it for this evening. I didn’t make coffee, but I did have my cake. It was really yummy. The chocolate chips added flavor to it that was incredible. Of course, chocolate makes everything better.

I saw chicken on the counter so I thought my mother would be making it for dinner. She came home from shopping and didn’t want to make it. We had cold cuts instead. Other than the cake and the sandwich, I haven’t eaten anything else all day. I am really hungry but I am trying to control myself. I think I will have some crackers with cheese.

My protein shakes came. I have one in the fridge to have tomorrow to try it out to see if I like it. I hope I do. It doesn’t have a lot of calories like I was hoping, far less than say an Ensure. I talked with my therapist about this diet and she flipped out. Another reason why I lost my patience with her. I can never have a discussion around my eating habits with her. I swear she thinks I am anorexic or something. It really bothers me.