Category: Bipolar Disorder

Agitated and Aggravated

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Agitated and aggravated

I have not been able to settle down since coming home. I feel really agitated and things are unsettled. The voices are loud but they are mumbling so I can’t understand what they are saying so I am frustrated. I have tried listening to some music to calm me down but that hasn’t worked. It just gets me more agitated. I just took some Ativan and some trilafon to try and calm down because I really would like to sleep before my pain shoots off.

I am really annoyed at my therapist. I really didn’t want to have a session with her but she plays this game with me that if I can come up with a good reason, I can skip the session. I never can come up with a good reason as the reason is, I just don’t want to talk with her, which isn’t a good enough reason. I texted her that she might get my voicemail or I might block her call. I am so annoyed. In order to avoid the phone call, I am tempted to get another Zipcar and go out to see her again. Course, if I do have the phone call, I can just put her on mute. I don’t get why this fucking woman drives me insane.

Then the ballgame was a shit show. Price, who is getting paid $30 million, gags in big games so we lost tonight because he gave up the long ball one too many times. That didn’t help my agitation, at all.

Voices are commanding tonight. They want me to pick a bottle and take the whole thing. I hope the trilafon works soon. I hate this uneasiness I am feeling. It’s partly my fault the voices are out of control. I missed my afternoon dose of trilafon because I was driving today. I hate missing doses but it happens. I have to be better about taking the dose. I want to page my psychiatrist but it’s late. She will just tell me to go to the ER and I don’t want to. They will admit me and I don’t want to be admitted. This will pass. I can handle the voices by ignoring them even though I am agitated.

Well, too late to beat the pain in my ankle. It has just started. Fuck. I just took my pain meds so now I have to wait till they kick in. I hate this feeling. I am feeling out of control and yet I am in control. I had something to eat so that made me feel better as I haven’t eaten much all day. Sometimes not eating will cause me to become agitated, too. I know part of the reason I am aggravated is because I am overtired. I didn’t nap when I came home from therapy like I wanted to. Then my groceries came and I had to put them away. By the time that happened, I was so tired I didn’t know if I should eat or sleep. So I did neither.

I am so tired of fighting myself all the time. It’s really tiring. Actually, it’s exhausting, between the voices, the depression, the physical pain, the emotional pain, and then the emotions that go with it. I just want to die. I don’t know when this will happen. I hope that it will happen soon but I just don’t know. There are so many factors that go into it that I am just plain scared of it so I don’t do anything but think about it. I don’t tell anyone what I am thinking because I don’t want to be stopped. I pick dates. I plan a destination. But will I go through with it? I just don’t know.

Long day after a painful night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Long day after a painful night

I didn’t go to bed until at least 3 in the morning. I was up in pain most of the night. Every time I laid down, my foot acted up and was very painful. It was giving me such anxiety that I had to take an Ativan to calm down or I knew I would be up till god knows what hour. Pain meds were worthless because the pain started after I took them, which has been the case lately. I texted my therapist that I was canceling sessions and that I was done fighting this bullshit.

We met today and talked about it. She said that I wasn’t cancelling the session or she would tack some more on. We spent the session talking about the difficulty of being in pain most of the night and the anxiety it is creating. If we talked about other stuff, I don’t remember but we are still on for tomorrow, much to my chagrin. I told her it wasn’t worth seeing her and she blew me off.

I gave her some of my cake. No sooner had I left her office, she texted me to say how yummy it was and she was eating the whole thing. I laughed. I was almost an hour early back with the car as I took it an extra half hour because I wasn’t sure of traffic as it was a new location that I got the car. I had to drive around the block as it was a one way street. I walked home and waited for my grocery delivery.

I wasn’t happy with my grocery delivery. They substituted the wrong kind of pumpkin that I needed for my pies and other goodies. And then the pie crust that I ordered was in pieces. I was not happy. I called them up and got a credit for those items. What I am going to do with the pie crusts now, I have no clue. I am so annoyed. Now I have to go to the store to buy the right pumpkin for my desserts. Good thing I don’t plan on baking until this weekend.

I am so fricken tired and annoyed. My mother called me while I was driving home and she asked where I was. I told her I didn’t know. I really didn’t. I knew I was either in Newton or Watertown but not sure where. I was driving for crying out loud. Then she asked why I was driving so I said to see my therapist. She misunderstood and thought I said visiting the cemetery. I got annoyed and rushed her off the phone. When I got home, she was mad at me. I don’t fricken care. Get a fucking hearing aid and I wouldn’t be so annoyed at you.

I put my groceries away. There was no room in the freezer for my things so I had to go to the basement to put some stuff there. Tomorrow I plan on making Hawaiian chicken. I can’t wait. It’s a slow cooker recipe so if I start at 1100 it should be ready by 1600 or so. I don’t know how thick the chicken breasts are though, that might determine how long I cook it for. Last time I made a similar recipe, the chicken got really dry because I over cooked it. I didn’t realize it because I was going by the directions not by how the chicken was prepared. Now I know what to look for. I got my Naan bread. Think I will have it with the chicken.

I haven’t had dinner yet. I had a cheeseburger when I came home. I might make the last patty but I really want cake. Or a nap. I can’t really decide. My ankle is killing me so it needs to be something simple. I bought avocados so I could make my avocado burger, but that seems like a hassle as I am getting lazy. I might just have a muffin and call it a night. I am really tired and cranky. I am sure I will pay for it tonight.

Terrible Night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Terrible night

I just watched, via Twitter, the first presidential debate in my life and it was horrible. I am really afraid of what is going to happen when Trump is not president. I think a civil war might break out or something else. I am very scared of these times.

Pain has come back. My foot is throbbing and burning me. I can’t take another dose of pain meds for another half hour. I am really depressed. On Twitter there was other talk about suicide and talking out about it. It’s kind of bullshit because if you do talk about it on social media, you might get the police at your door the next day. I also found out through the State Police there was a jumper off the Tobin. He is alive and was taken to the hospital. I feel bad for him.

I haven’t heard from my psychiatrist. I guess she hasn’t read my blogs yet. It bothers me that she hasn’t read them. I don’t know why. They are old news now, sort of. I still can’t believe that she gave me a 4 week appointment. I might be gone by the next time I am supposed to see her.

There is so much I want to write about how I am feeling but I am scared someone is going to call the cops on me if I write it. I just feel so low and suicidal. I am tired of living with pain. I can’t go on with this bullshit anymore. Tomorrow I have to go up the hill to get the car. It’s going to be a hike. I don’t know if I will be able to do it but it’s too late now to cancel the reservation. My other car that I have been using isn’t available so I had to go up the street rather than down. I will be wearing my AFO so hopefully there won’t be any problems.

I am nervous about seeing my therapist tomorrow. I know we need to talk about my suicidal stuff but I really don’t want to because she doesn’t listen all the time. She tends to talk too much and then I just shut down. She does this every single time I get suicidal. Then I get mad and we fight. I just don’t know what to do anymore. I just want to die. And I don’t get why she wants me to live. She keeps saying that she can’t imagine a world without me in it. She doesn’t understand how tiring it is to live when you don’t want to. I’m not saying it’s easy to give up because I have tried to kill myself many times and failed. I just want to try one more time and if it doesn’t work, then I will stop trying. If I should succeed, then so be it. It was meant to be.

This talk is what is going on in my head. I know that it will hurt many people in my life. I am not stupid about the pain suicide causes. But living while being in pain is worse. It tears you up like you won’t believe. And there is no relieving this pain, this psychache. There was a time where I kept track of it. I had a scale that I used. But my physical pain overshadows my emotional pain so it’s become useless to me. There are other assessments used for the treatment of suicide but my therapist is a fink and won’t use them. She just want to know the “one thing” that will make me less suicidal and that is all she gets from the forms. Drives me crazy.

Another Rough Monday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Rough Monday

It’s another cold day so of course my ankle is acting up. I wanted to go to Starbucks and mail a letter to a friend but that isn’t happening. My check came in this morning so I paid some bills and reserved Zipcars for the next two weeks. I also ordered my groceries for the month. Then I ordered some Chinese food as there was no way I could cook with my ankle being a bugger. Just going down the stairs was trouble.

I am feeling depressed about being in pain. I hate that it happens when I wake up because it spoils the day. I then have to take pain meds which make me feel tired and I need to sleep. So I probably will be sleeping most of the afternoon. I don’t feel like doing anything. Maybe I will make some coffee in a little bit, though I really don’t feel like having it. I much rather have espresso with soy milk.

Sox are not playing today. They have the day off. They could clinch the division today and they will celebrate if they do. I have the whole afternoon and evening to do nothing. It’s depressing. I swear the only time I really get a chance to get out of the house is to go to Starbucks. But that is on a good, pain free day. I suppose I could push through the pain but that never works for me. I end up hurting more and then I am done for a few days.

I took a couple hours nap. I needed it. My mother called as I was waking up and asked if I was still in pain. I said ya and then she asked again, ya or no. Unreal. Even on the phone she doesn’t hear you. She was making hot dogs and potatoes. I didn’t feel like eating. I told her I would eat later. I really wanted to finish off the Chinese food that I bought for lunch.

I have been texting my woes to my therapist all day. I found out it’s going to be raining tomorrow and I HATE driving in the rain. More idiots are on the road and they can’t seem to drive. I have the car an extra half hour and I am probably going to need it on the way back. I wanted to go to the grocery store and get some spice cake as I saw another awesome pumpkin cake recipe that I would love to try. It sucks that I am the only one that likes pumpkin in my house. I want to make these pumpkin treats but I can’t eat them all! I will be 300 pounds! I plan on making cupcakes for my therapist next week. Those look better than the ones that I made previously. Then a friend of mine sent me another recipe for pumpkin fluff. It looks really good as it has vanilla pudding in it. That just seems like heaven!

Tonight starts the presidential debates. Oh joy. I can’t wait for the name calling to begin. I think I will go to bed early to stay off Twitter and the ridiculousness of the candidates. Trump’s campaign has already told the media “not to fact check things”. Yea, okay. Buffoon. Maybe I will watch “American President” again and pray Shepard goes against Hillary, that Trump is just a joke.