Category: Bipolar Disorder

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I can’t remember what for. I just know it disrupted my sleep. I woke up a little before my med alarm and kind of just laid there until it went off. I just didn’t want to get up. By the time the alarm went off. My bladder was saying hurry up so I was forced to get up. My bowels seemed to awakened too, so that was a good sign after almost four days of not going. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and hoped I wouldn’t puke as the post nasal drip started. I was just miserable with allergies in the morning. I think because the pollen is in the screens I just need a whiff for it to send my histamine crazy. When the weather is cooler, I just will hose them off. Be easier than washing them in the sink.

I didn’t want to get dressed, much less go to the pharmacy to straighten out my medication issue. I talked with the girl who has her shit together and is really helpful. I told her about this weekend and she said she would pass it along to the manager as she wasn’t in yet. I really hope my pain medication do not become an issue every month because people can’t read or look something up in the computer. I only use the one pharmacy (like I am supposed to with my pain contract). I really don’t want to have to go to another one only because of convenience.

After that, I went to the bus stop and my cousin came by. Sweet! I got a ride to the Square. I was still feeling pretty shitty. I didn’t make the espresso right as the barista put too much ice in the cup. I was too tired to do anything about it. I figured I would drink it anyway but the allergies were making me sick. I had a bagel and some of the espresso. Then I just zoned out. I didn’t feel like writing. I hardly touched my drink. I just sat there, staring out to the street watching cars parallel park and a smoker sit and then stand because he was an idiot. He sat in front of a door and people kept coming out. You would think after the third time, just stand but nope, down he went again. Idiot.

I left to go to the station. I had to use the bathroom anyway and I don’t like Starbucks. They are kind of claustrophobic to me. I left early but just got to my therapist’s office within minutes of the appointment. Fricken bus was late. I would have walked but I felt too shitty. Now I had to wait till after session to use the bathroom. I talked about things that were stupid. Nothing really of importance. I told him about the fight I had with my sister calling me rude. And about work. I miss work, sort of. I don’t miss the docs and nurses yelling at me. That part can take a hike. But there were some nurses who were nice and appreciative of going out of my way to help them, if I could. I did that for some, not all. Some times the floor would call like three times and get three different people who gave different answers. That would annoy me and frustrate the floor, which I don’t blame them, especially when it was a sick patient who was a hard stick.

I then walked home. I tried doing it all in one shot but it didn’t work. I got to city hall and had to stop. I made a phone call to the LGBT clinic for the testosterone therapy. I couldn’t get through. I walked the rest of the way then went down the stairs slowly. I caught the bus home. My ankle was killing me. Felt like the bone was ready to pop off. I hate when it gets that way. I had take a BT med after therapy. I finally reached home and was more exhausted than ever. My legs felt like they were going to collapse on me at any minute. I did some PT exercises at Starbucks but not everything. I haven’t been doing them and my PT is going to yell at me. I am getting frustrated with myself because I just can’t keep up with everything. And this week is really busy. I need to kind of chill because of the wedding and concert. I am going to be so sore come Sunday. I probably should cancel therapy for that Monday as I know I am probably going to need another day of rest. I want to see how the wedding goes. Then I will decide.

I didn’t stay up to hear if the Sox won or lost last night. They won. Their 98th win of the season. They still have 18 games left in the season so I think they are going to have more than 100 wins. I am really excited about this because this will be the first time in my lifetime the Sox win 100 or more games. I am so happy for them. Just hope the Sept curse isn’t upon them where they implode. Will really suck if they just have the wild card game because they play badly. They will be playing tough teams so we’ll see. They are off tonight as the Jays are coming into Boston. Jays have been eliminated from playoffs. The AL Central has three teams that have been eliminated. I forget who is left. Going to be exciting either way. It all comes down to these games. Can’t believe it is already September.

Sunday Blog 9 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 9 Sept 18

I woke up around 2 in pain. My damn genitals felt like they were being crushed. No idea if they were or not. There was nothing there but OMG the pain when I touched myself was unreal. It took a few hours to settle down. When I woke up to take my meds, I just tried to go back to sleep. I would have slept through but my mother came up the stairs and she was laboring to breathe. I couldn’t relax because I was waiting for the thump of her falling. It never happened, thank god. I knew she didn’t use her inhaler like she is supposed to. She doesn’t think she needs it. Yes, cause doctors prescribe things we don’t need all the time. I am so pissed at her it isn’t funny. I really want to go with her to her doc’s so he can explain why she needs this inhaler because I obviously don’t know what I am talking about.

I got up an hour so later. I couldn’t sleep but I felt like absolute crap. I had no energy. I needed a shower and I had to go to the pharmacy to fill my meds. It was fricken cold so wasn’t looking forward to the shower as there is no heat. The heating vent doesn’t work, well it will for about 5 minutes and then go off, permanently. I think my brother in law put it in wrong or it is the wrong one for the power source. He didn’t replace the whole unit, just the heating part. I have no idea how much it will cost to replace the whole thing. I just know in the winter it sucks taking a shower because it is nice to be under hot water than freeze your ass off when you open the curtain!

I took a shower but it drained me further. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I wanted coffee, but I didn’t want to make it. I got dressed and went to the store. My mother wanted something so I went to the pharmacy first. There was someone new there. Once I had dropped them off I went to get my mother’s things. Then I waited at the pharmacy. The pharmacist had a question for me, which I thought was dumb. She asked if I filled this on the 31st. I said I filled the immediate release. This was the extended release. She said it was the same med and I said yes but different forms. She said okay. This is starting to piss me off. It clearly states what the medication is so I don’t understand why I am questioned about it. I know what medication I am getting. I use the same pharmacy every time so they know when I fill it, etc. Just fill the damn thing! It isn’t hard, you have the information in front of you! Why do you have to question me about it like I don’t know what I am getting???

I get home and put my meds on my bed. I put my slippers on and went downstairs to make some coffee. I decided to make it at my sister’s because I wasn’t messing with a French press. I drank my coffee and I was just itching to bake something even though I felt like crap. I drank most of my coffee and then decided to make the cake that I bought about two months ago but was too hot to make because of the weather. I got the stuff and made it. I needed my mother’s help to spread it evenly then I put it in the oven. It took longer to cook because my oven sucks. My mother wanted dinner so I made that. I made a mess. The gravy had so much meat that it was all stuck together, even though I put it through a few defroster cycles. I just decided to put it in a pan. That helped but while I was trying to break up the meat, I caused a huge splash and gravy went all over the place. UGH. It even went on the wall behind the stove. I was so fricken tired the last thing I wanted to do was clean a wall. I did after dinner. I cleaned the counter too so my mother didn’t have to. She washed the pans and stuff. I wasn’t that hungry so ate half of what I put in the bowl. My sister came up with my baby cousin. She was kind of cranky because a tooth was coming in. Poor thing. After everything was cleaned up, I went upstairs.

I decided to fill my box for the week so went through the bag that I got from the pharmacy. I had a small bottle and wondered what it was. It was my Trileptal. It usually comes in a bigger bottle because the pills are big. I counted them out and instead of 60 pills, I got 30. Now I need to go back to the pharmacy to get the right amount of pills. I put in a complaint to the pharmacy on Twitter and will with the manager in the morning as they are closed now. I can’t believed they goofed! I made sure I had the right number of my pain meds. Just another hassle I got to deal with. Sucks.

Saturday Blog 8 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 8 Sept 18

I didn’t know if I would write a blog today. I slept kind of later than I liked so I didn’t bake. Then I had dinner at my sister’s, which was a couple hours after having breakfast. My stomach is killing me for whatever reason. My sister just used lemon on the turkey breast but I could have sworn I tasted garlic somewhere. Garlic always upsets my stomach really bad. I like the flavor but the actual clove kills me.

I wanted to read my book for an hour or two after I took my night meds but I procrastinated. I got inundated with text messages. My ex texted me. Lately she has been doing that if something has progressed with her MS. And it did, she is no longer walking. She also will be visiting Boston with her neighbor to see another friend that is doing some conference in November. I honestly do not want to see her. She is not the person I fell in love with. She had lied to me the whole time we were together so I really have no intentions of seeing her.

Sox lost. People are saying they are playing a “real” team now and that is why we are losing. I don’t understand that mentality as even when we played the O’s we lost so how does that work?? My Buckeyes won. Rutgers finally scored in the fourth quarter to avoid a shutout. This was the Buckeyes 900th win. I wish Meyer was there but rules are rules. He is currently suspended and I have no opinion on the matter so I will leave it at that.

I didn’t sleep well. I woke up around midnight because I was cold. Then I woke up four hours later because I was hot. I put the AC on 68 so I wouldn’t get cold again. By then it was too late to do anything. I will bake tomorrow! I don’t care what time, even if it is in the evening. I want some cake. I just hope the frosting comes out okay. I don’t like making frosting as I tend to fuck it up. I might make the yellow cake as well. I have a busy week ahead so I really don’t want to push myself. Last night I was really trying to avoid a flare. My ankle is kind of hurting right now but it isn’t too bad.

My BFF’s son got married last weekend and she just shared her grandsons’ pictures. OMG I just died. They are so damn cute. It melts my heart seeing them all dressed up with smiles on their faces. The bride was so beautiful. I am waiting for the rest of the pics of everyone. I really hope I can go see them one day. I think it would be awesome. I had sent the boys and their father Red Sox hats. An uncle has to do what an uncle has to do!

Feeling tired after a long day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling tired after a long day

I woke up early, a few hours before my alarm because I had to move but it was not easy. I was in pain from the position I was in. I turned over carefully and slightly went to sleep, only to wake up because that position caused my elbow to hurt. I moved it to stop the hurt then my med alarm scared the shit out of me when it went off. I was not expecting it at that moment. I got up to take my meds and use the bathroom. I have no idea if I brushed my teeth or not. I was so groggy and just wanted to sleep but I had stuff to do.

I went back to my room and laid down for a bit. Then I remembered I had to do an errand for my mother and I cringed. I had to get up now if I wanted to shave my head and get ready to go out. I did and left the house around 11. I didn’t get home till around 1730, a good 6 hours or so later. I swear my ankle had gone out on me at least two times. When I got to my psych appointment, I had to take off my aircast.

The orthotist fixed my brace a little bit. He gave me some moleskins and some sticker things for the grummets so they wouldn’t cause me sores. He encouraged me to find a taller sock but I think I have a few old socks that I can just cut the foot off and use the tube part so the AFO rubs against that rather than my leg. It will add some worth in the winter months. Not so great in the heat though, should we have another heat wave burst. I had woken up with my back aching because the temp dropped like 20 points. My spine didn’t like that one bit. It is supposed to be in the 70’s the rest of the weekend and I hope I can bake.

After I saw the brace clinic, I went to get Thai food for lunch. I almost ate the whole thing. What I have left is just a snack. I thought I would eat it after my psych appointment but I was still full. My psych appointment went well, though our next appointment won’t be in a month. I am shocked. I said I can still contact you, right? She said yes. She refilled my scripts. She was worried about my weight as it was up a few pounds since last year. I am not worried because it goes up and down. I have been gaining and losing the same five pounds for years. Since the Invega I did gain a little but I seemed to have leveled off. I just haven’t been successful in losing weight, which is hard to do when you can’t walk. We talked about weight and she wanted me to get weighed the next time I see my PCP. I told her I would. I hate getting weighed. It always leads to uncomfortable conversations. I have no idea how to diet or “eat right”. A friend of mine said that I should cut carbs. I have no idea how as I eat a lot of bread. She said that instead of having two slices of toast, eat one. Being Italian, bread is like part of the 4 food groups. We have bread with almost every meal. I have been trying but it’s hard to break out of the habit, especially when my mother or sister buys bread that is fresh from the bakery. Last night I had crackers with cheese. Crackers are carbs. So see, I got a carb problem, but the human body needs carbs so…I am stuck with weight.

I asked my psych if I could go ahead with the transition now that my pain is somewhat controlled. It might not be what I want it to be but it is better. I just wish the flares and ankle give outs would stop. So Monday I will be calling the LGBT clinic and making an appointment with the doc I was seeing there. I just hope they have an appointment that isn’t in Nov. I don’t think I can wait that long, again.