Category: blogging

Another frustrating day on the psych unit 

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, disability, mood disorders

The crummy SW came back. We met for less than 15 mins. No plan on helping me, just go with the flow. Met with psychiatrist who spoke about the anxiety suicidal ideation brings to clinicians. He wants a way to basically stop me from going there but acknowledged that it was basically my go to escape plan. No other plans for getting me out sooner were discussed. I am frustrated. I don’t want to be here but I need a safety net before I can fucking go. Told him I needed to work with my therapist on that, which I cannot do while I am here. I don’t think he got it. No plans for discharge were talked about. Bastard.

Contact person got me a shower chair. I just took some pain meds so in about an hour, I’ll take off my boot, see how my ankle and foot are, then try to shower. Hate that all these steps need to be in place for this activity but that is what it is like living with chronic pain.

I am getting really annoyed every single time I need a pain med the nurse asks me what my pain is. Then asks what will this bring it down to. Um, I don’t know? It could help, stay the same. Get worse because I move it, the pain could change to something else? Fuck. There is so much stigma around the damn pain and pain meds yet if I ask for an Ativan, they don’t ask me what level of anxiety or agitation I’m feeling. What the fuck is the difference? Just shut up and give me my meds!

As you can probably tell, I am very disgruntled, to say the least. I am a bit aggravated and annoyed. I only went to the group therapy group today. It was the only appealing group. I have read some more Harry potter this morning but now I am too discouraged to go back to it. It is the only book I brought with me so I am trying to stretch it out as I don’t know how long I’ll be here. 

I have no idea with the SW asked if I was dating. She always asks weird questions when every admission. Dumbfuck. Like dating would help me when I want to end my pain. Pfffttt. Last time I was here we spent a good amount of time going over my transition, which was not the reason for my admission. So annoying because when it was the reason I went into the hospital, they didn’t want to talk about it at all.

I’ve been having the same contact person nearly every day, which is good because then there is some continuity. I don’t have to go over my story every shift. I might take a nap before I take a shower just to see how my foot/ankle responds to no boot. If it doesn’t explode, that will be good. I could use a low pain day today. It is raining out and the week is going to be cold. But least no snow is in the forecast.

Want to go home

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicidality

Today has been difficult.  I’ve had pain all day, sometimes excruciating and other times tolerable. I worried my morning contact person because the plan I took off the table, I put back on. It is staying on for now. I’m in a don’t give a shit mood. I’m tired of being in horrible pain. I haven’t done much yet I hurt so bad.

I really just want to die. I won’t do anything while I am here. I am kind of nervous about tomorrow and meeting with Bonnie (not her real name). I don’t think from here on out I’m going to be helped. It doesn’t help that I feel so hopeless that things will get better. My support group has been doing what they can for me but I feel like I shouldn’t share too much of my depression for fear of bringing people down.

I’ve been reading the Harry Potter and the cursed child for most of the day. I read it before taking my meds and I was in the wizard world for a while. Then I came back to reality and I didn’t like it. I really didn’t think I would like this book but I am, even though it doesn’t have too much description like a normal book does. It is mostly script with few descriptions of the scene. I know if it was written like a book it would be at least a thousand pages, minimum. But I am enjoying myself with it while I try to escape the pain and boredom of this place. I wish I brought my Kindle. Maybe I’ll ask my sister to bring it to me. A fellow patient who is being discharged tomorrow gave me some candy and tea. I was out of my regular tea as I didn’t think to pack it. All I have left is chamomile tea. I had two cups of Lipton today. It gave me the caffeine I needed. The coffee is wicked terrible so I don’t drink it.

My cousin said some things on Facebook that really got under my skin. I replied just as callous back. If he can’t understand my mental illness or physical pain, Fuck him. I’m not going to placate him. He could have said sorry to miss seeing you rather than he was disappointed. His choice of words, not mine. I’m tired of being judged by small minded people.

I have been sitting on my bed the last few hours. My tailbone hurts. Now it’s raining out so my spine is hurting. It was hot in my room so I had staff open my other window. Least it will get the air circulating. I really cannot stand heat. I miss my ceiling fan. The temp today has gone from 49 degrees to 60, which is kind of odd for Nov. I was freezing this morning but the heat seems to have kicked on high for some reason. Staff just looked at the controls for my room and it’s on cool so I don’t know what the fuck is going on. It is an old building so it does weird things.

I took another dose of Miralax for my bowels. I finally went though I still feel bloated. I’ve been trying to keep up with fluids because I woke up with a sore throat but that just made the feeling of being bloated worse. I am hoping all the food I ate gets digested by tomorrow. I hate this feeling of being full when I didn’t overeat. I know the strong pain pill is causing my bowels to be backed up but there is nothing I can do about it. I need it to help my pain as I can’t take it like I do at home. 

I’m hoping tomorrow I have a better sense of when I will be going home. I really want to leave. Being here is just solidifying my planning. It is going to be tough because no a whole lot of “work” has been done since I have been here. I have been doing the PT stuff because it is easier to remember to do. Imagery has been ok but I only get so far before I wander off. The depression makes it hard to really focus on anything. 

Exhausting painful day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I woke up around 2 in pain so got some pain meds. I woke up around 8 after falling back to sleep. I wanted coffee but the damn breakfast dude had shut the doors to the kitchen. I don’t know why they do this for every meal. Drives me crazy. While I was waiting for him to open the door, my pain spiked and so did my suicidality. I just wanted to die. After I got the disgusting coffee and some breakfast, I met with my team. I told them I would retract the 3 day and the psychiatrist asked what changed my mind. I said the thought of going to a state hospital wasn’t appealing. After we talked, he gave me privileges just like that. After I told him I was suicidal. Whatever. I knew I wasn’t going to be able to go out today anyway. I just hurt too much.

I had a mental health counselor that I liked as my check in person and told her I hated being far away from the nurse’s station. She was able to have me change rooms to be closer. I had to walk back and forth with my things. That caused a flare up. I am staying in my room the rest of the night. I need to rest. I am wicked tired, like I’ve taken a sleeping pill. I am so wiped out from this chronic pain today. It has been fluctuating all day. 

There is a service dog on the unit. He is very cute. The bugger had learned to leave the patient’s room so he has been hanging out for most of the day. This is the 1st time I have seen a dog on the unit.

It has been a really warm day out and so the unit has been stifling. I was sweating when I was done with the room change. I didn’t pack shorts so I ended up making them out of some scrub pants when I was last admitted. I am much cooler now. My room has the windows wide open so it’s nice and cool. I like it. I can not tolerate the heat, which I think has contributed to my pain being bad the past two days. If dinner wasn’t in a few minutes, I would take a nap. I will after I eat. I’m kind of hungry.

I hope that because I got privs today that my discharge date might be next week. Least I hope so. I want the fuck out of here. My psychiatrist wants me to stick it out but I really don’t see the point. 

I went to two groups today. The 1st one was group therapy and I came out to the patients that were there. Everyone was supportive and I think there is another trans female on the unit. I hope we can connect but she seems very distant.

The other group was on stigma and I didn’t care for it. It was really boring. 

Very sucky day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So this admission is very bad. All day i have been fighting to get my meds straight. None of my PRN orders are there. My night meds are my day meds. I am beyond frustrated. 

The attending psychiatrist talked to my psych. She is very worried about me and doesn’t want me discharged at the end of 3 days. The attending said that if I don’t retract the 3 day, he will file for commitment. Fucking made my day. So tomorrow I’ll have no choice but to retract it. I wanted to think about it before I rushed to the decision. He said they will do “work” with me, but I seriously doubt it. The social worker I am seeing will not be my SW come Monday. I think Bonnie will be back and that isn’t good. This SW at least wants to help. Bonnie will give two shit in a hand basket. I just want to go home but it doesn’t look like it will be soon.

I’ve had a migraine most of the day. I thought some ibuprofen would take care of it but nope. Hence when I found out my PRNs aren’t ordered. The fire alarm went off today which really killed my head. We were in group, my only one i really wanted to attend. I took a shower hoping it will help.  It did a little. It is hot on the unit so now I am sweating. I need to get my window open.

I haven’t been in the mood to call family. My sister just called but I didn’t pick up. I really don’t feel like talking. I woke up in pain in my malleolus and it has been constant all day. The nuclear med department called to schedule a bone scan. I told them Dec as I think I’ll be here for a while. 

I am so mad at my psych for hospitalizing me. I am mad at myself for telling her my fucking plans or at least hinting at them. I want to write her an email to say she sucks. I know she knows me well and she wouldn’t put me here is she didn’t think it was necessary. Doesn’t mean I have to like it.

Just met with my check in person and he was able to open the window! Yay, no overheating! I probably won’t have privileges until maybe next week so I can go on walks. My SW saw me before she left. She said to look up positive psychology for acceptance commitment therapy. I might do it if my migraine goes away. I don’t have my laptop so looking at the stuff on my phone is going to be a challenge.

I am getting hungry. I had dinner but my sweet tooth is calling. I might have a bowl of cereal. I wish I brought some of my tea bags I like. I used them up the last time I was here. I don’t know why I’ve been so sleepy all day. I think it is my mood stabilizer that I usually take at night but they have it for the morning. 

The 15 minute checks are really annoying me. I know they need to do them but my door is open. They don’t need to knock!