Category: cauda equina syndrome

Blizzard on National Pi Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Blizzard on National Pi Day

We got some snow this morning when I woke up in pain around 7. I went to the bathroom and then checked the conditions. It was barely snowing so I thought that was going to be it. I was wrong. Two hours later it was really coming down and the wind hasn’t stopped howling. We usually get a drift by our back door on our porch. Now it’s towards the wall as that is where the wind is pushing all the snow. Most of the shingles are covered in snow on that side of the house. It’s really cold and of course our heating system isn’t working right. My brother in law had to tinker with it so I am freezing in my room.

I haven’t been in a great mood most of the day. Suicide has been on my mind for some reason, though I don’t feel really depressed. I got a call from a therapist who referred me to another therapist. I will google her later. I am not up to searching for therapists. I have to get the spelling of her last name though so I might so a reverse lookup with the phone number he gave. He also didn’t specify what degree she was. Not that it really matters. You don’t need a PhD to be a good therapist.

My sister invited us down for dinner tonight. She is making lasagna. Not one of my favorite dishes but I will eat it to be polite. My mother is making a coffee cake and some asparagus. We have no idea how the asparagus came to us as she didn’t buy it. It was just put on the kitchen table. I know I didn’t buy it because I don’t buy vegetables. I always get yelled at because they are either poor quality or I spend too much for it. I have no idea what to look for when buying so I just leave it to my mother. She has to cook it anyways so better she buy it.

I took a nap after I had breakfast. I was dreaming about Richard Gere for some reason. If I was straight, I would be so after him. He is so handsome. But it wasn’t that kind of a dream. We were working together doing something though I don’t remember what. I woke up from the dream and wanted to make coffee. I was congested so was coughing up stuff and gagging on it. It was making my mother cold because I was just in a T-shirt. I didn’t care. It was cold in the kitchen and my brother in law was inspecting the heat. He says it’s on but it doesn’t feel like it is. The wind is making the house feel much colder.

Boston already cancelled school for tomorrow. I haven’t heard anything about my city. I won’t be too surprised because if Boston cancels, usually other cities and towns follows. It was good that not too many people were on the roads. The Lt. Governor showed a video of a semi wiping out on the Zakim Bridge. If there were cars in front of the trailer, they would have been smashed. It would have been a bad scene.

I have been following the Zero Suicide chat on Twitter that is going on in Missouri. One of my friends is tweeting about it and is being totally hysterical. It cheered me up some.

Despite having coffee, I still feel tired. My mother just called me to say that dinner is ready if I want to go down to my sister’s. I told her I would after I finish this blog. A lot of people have been reading my “Knackered” blog today and been commenting on it. It’s one of my most read blogs and I am very proud of it. It is also a chapter in my memoir, “Midnight Demon”. It makes me feel good to know that it helps people know that they are not alone with Cauda Equina Syndrome and its affects. I usually share my Facebook group or the website for the private Yahoo group. Some people prefer one or both to get support. I should probably create a support page but most people don’t read my pages unless it brings them to them via a search. Or they are just exploring my blog. I have a few CES pages up.

Sunday Blog 24

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 24

I didn’t get much sleep last night. I was up till 0400 or so. I couldn’t settle down because of pain and then my anxiety shot up because I was in pain. I had to take another Ativan to get to sleep. I felt like paging my psych but I knew she would just tell me to take an Ativan and try and get some sleep. I slept most of the day, though I was up in the morning. I finally had a BM, though now I am scared because when I woke up I took two more fiber pills before I went. That could be trouble.

I participated in BPD chat this afternoon. It was good and I got a couple of new follows. I don’t know if I will chat with these people but whatever. Lately my tweets have been centered around my pain issues more than my mental status. I have a friend on Facebook that wants me to try some lotion that she found on the site. I am weary because they don’t really work the way they say they do. Then you are on their email list forever.

I talked my mother into making pancakes for supper. It made me happy. I love her pancakes. They are just regular ones, not the kind I make. I think she double batched the recipe so she can have more to save for later. I got hungry afterwards despite have six pancakes. I really haven’t eaten anything all day so I am making up for it now. I had the leftover Chinese food from last night.

Pain has been up and down for most of the day. I had to take some pain meds when I woke up from my nap because I was really hurting. I woke up with a headache that I am still trying to make go away. I am not sure it is a migraine or not. But it is annoying me.

I emailed my psychiatrist late last night. I thought she would respond but she hasn’t yet. I really need an appointment with her as I need refills on a few of my meds. Actually, all my meds that I take for psych I need a refill on. I also want to ask her if I could take my BP pill as a PRN for when the PTSD gets activated rather than always using Ativan to calm me down. Ativan works, don’t get me wrong, I just don’t want to be dependent on it.

I got to take my meds soon, but first I need to fill my box. I meant to do it earlier today but never got around to it. It’s like if I don’t do things when I first think of them, they just don’t get done. I should have done it last night while I was up so damn late. I am just glad I didn’t turn suicidal. The pain was manageable but it was still causing me anxiety because my last three toes are numb. I couldn’t feel them when I touched them. That would explain why they feel “weird”. I don’t know why they are numb all of a sudden. I am not having any other symptoms of CES. I can’t move my toes on that foot because of the nerve damage I suffered. It’s worse now with the pain syndrome. The numbness really set off my PTSD and it took forever for me to relax and realize I didn’t have to go to the ER or have surgery or anything else that was running through my head at the time. It’s scary stuff going through something so life changing. It haunts you. If I didn’t have a time bomb of all herniated discs in my back, I wouldn’t be so worried. But all my discs are herniated and that is cause for concern because one wrong move or fall or something can mean more surgery and more nerve damage. I really don’t want that to happen to me. I think if I got CES for the third time, I would kill myself rather than go through a rehab process again or try to learn to walk again. Twice was enough for me.

Overslept

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Overslept

I had put on my “do not disturb” function on my phone and I thought my alarm would ring despite that. I was wrong. I slept through my grocery delivery. Now it will have to be delivered tomorrow. The guy was nice and waved the restock fee as it was my first time missing it. I know that I am not going to do that again!

After I made a few phone calls, I went back to sleep. I wanted to make coffee but my pillow was calling me. So I slept most of the afternoon. I guess all the meds that I took yesterday to sleep, caught up with me today. I am just so tired. My foot has been acting up but I had avoided taking pain meds because I didn’t want to sleep through dinner. I just took some now. I hope the pain doesn’t get worse. I really don’t want to take the strong pain pill this early in the evening.

Tomorrow I have therapy. I feel like it’s going to be awkward as we haven’t talked in three weeks. I am nervous about it. I feel more nervous that I am not going to talk to her next week either, that the time we had for a month from now will be the time we next talk. I don’t like this arrangement at all. And I am wicked pissed off that she just gave my times away and now she has to wait for a cancellation to fit me in. WTF. I still am so mad she decided to meet monthly and not discuss it with me first. I seriously, at the time, was like fuck you anyways, but I didn’t think getting in to see her would be so damned difficult.

I was talking with a psychologist friend of mine on Twitter. I sent him a DM about my situation and he said he is going to make some calls to some therapists he knows that takes my insurance. I guess when those names comes in, it will really be final that my therapist and I are through. After sixteen years, I still can’t believe it. My psychiatrist says that it’s not my fault. But that doesn’t make me feel any better.

I think I was talking to one of my friends last night before going into oblivion about how I will have to “train” a new therapist in my suicidal ways to help me. The idea of having to do this again just fills me with dread. I don’t know if a new therapist will be open to new ideas or just stuck in their way of treating suicidal patients. If that is the case, it’s not going to fucking work. I can’t work with someone with a “no suicide contract”. Those just don’t work as I can just find a loophole. The whole process is just leaving me feeling so damn nervous. It just makes me say fuck it and just go through with my plan anyways. I just feel so hopeless.

Last night I was having a hard time and I talked with my friend in Canada. We have been through a lot of shit together with CES. And we both get each other. She made me laugh and forget about my troubles for a bit. It was good talking to her. I got her payment for my book today. I will go to the bank on Friday as I am not sure I can use mobile deposit as it’s a money order.

a little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A little of this, a little of that about chronic pain and suicide

I don’t know where my blog is heading anymore. I tend to write more about my chronic pain than of anything else. And why not, it is always there, aching, throbbing away like no tomorrow. I am sick of it. Both my ankle and foot were competing as to who was going to hurt more and my foot won the contest. The three metatarsals (bones in the foot) that always bother me, are feeling like they are being crushed though there is no external pressure being applied whatsoever. I want to cry. I want to cut my ankle off.

I am depressed. Have been all day. I had texted my therapist asking if there was a time next week that would be suitable for us to talk and she responded that it didn’t look good. I am astounded that her schedule is so full. Used to be that we met three times a week. Now I can’t even have one? I am hurt. I just want to tell her forget it. It doesn’t matter to me anymore. I am going to end up killing myself either way so what would a session do? It’s not going to prolong my life. She has no clue what I have been planning mostly because she hasn’t been around. She decided that we needed to meet monthly. Not me. I didn’t have any say in the matter. Now I can’t get a bloody appointment to convince her otherwise. Fuck her and her stupid schedule.

I meet with my psychiatrist tomorrow. We are supposedly going to come up with a “plan” on how to go on without a therapist. Can’t wait to see what she thinks. I am in a terrible mood right now so forgive me if I go off on a suicidal tangent. I am going to tell her that it’s useless. In fact, I don’t know why she is even treating me as I am a hopeless case. There is no point. I have made up my mind and within a few weeks, I will be gone. I hope to be gone anyway. If I had a more lethal means, such as a gun, then I know I would be gone but I don’t have a firearm. Though if I did, I don’t think I could wait a few weeks.

Pain has driven me to this. I couldn’t even bear weight on my foot as I went downstairs to the bathroom. I tried to stay off the bad metatarsals but going up the stairs, that was hard to do. I didn’t want to spend a half hour going up each step one at a time so I painfully went up the stairs like a “normal” person. I just hope this pain is gone by tomorrow because I need to go out. I don’t think cancelling on my psychiatrist is going to fly, even though I think the appointment is hopeless and pointless. She gave me plenty of refills on my meds so I am good for the next month or two. Not that it matters. I don’t even know why I bother to continue to take my meds. I guess if I don’t, I might become more impulsively suicidal. Right now I can wait. Throw in some agonizing despair and that might change. I guess my meds are keeping that from happening. And I know what happens when I don’t take the trileptal regularly. I am off my fucking rocker.

I do have some what adequate pain control, but that isn’t the point of me wanting to kill myself. The fact that I HAVE to take meds to control my pain is the issue. I shouldn’t be in pain. There is nothing physically wrong with my ankle or foot as determined by X-rays and MRIs. Hell, it even looks normal. I don’t get the discoloration you typically see with CRPS. Yet supposedly, this is what I have. It has to be some kind of pain syndrome. I know the pain isn’t in my head. Or maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I just know that I am in pain and I need pills around the clock to control it. And soon as the dose wears off, I am in agony again until I pop one or two pills. Then the waiting game begins as to how long it will take for the pain to stop. Sometimes, a couple hours after I take my regular pain pills, the pain will intensify. This is all while I sit comfortably in my bed. No stress being made on it. No bear weight on it. No movement, though sometimes I flex my big toe and all hell breaks loose. So then I have to take the strong pain pill because I can’t take the regular pain pill as I just took it. It’s a fun game that I am so tired of playing. Then my bowels are all screwed up from this strong pain pill.

If I was a “normal” person, sure taking a laxative or some other method to go move my bowels would be fine. But not with someone with Cauda Equina Syndrome. Hard stools and a sensitive rectum/anus is bad news. Nerve pain happens when you finally are able to move your hard bowels. It’s so painful, you just wish you would die on the spot. Then sitting is intolerable. Nerve pain goes on any where from one hour to many. And this is not mentioning the trouble of pushing the stools out because your system just doesn’t have the mobility to do so on its own. You feel like you are in labor trying to push a rabbit pellet out. And that is all you push out. Sometimes it is more than that, but I won’t go into details about it. It just hurts, more than your damn foot. It leaves you exhausted like you have done manual labor. You need to rest from all the pushing and the pain. Fun times. NOT.