Category: chronic physical pain

it sucks when the bipolar part of me comes out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It sucks when the Bipolar part of me comes out

Past few hours, I have been keyed up. My thoughts are racing. I am thinking of a million things to do at once. Around 2300, I decided to make burritos so I could have them in the morning. I made four and ate one. One burrito was pathetic as I didn’t put enough egg in it. I had fun making them. I thought it was a good distraction for my pain but I was wrong. Soon as I tried to settle down, my pain got bad. I listened to a podcast and that helped some.

I took some more pain meds and was going to turn in. I had to move my stupid pillow that likes to make a break for my nightstand. Somehow moving it caused my fricken ankle and foot to go berserk on me. Now I am in pain again. Glad I took my pain meds. If I could walk, I would probably go for one right now because I just need to burn off this energy influx that I have. I hate when my Bipolar part of me gets activated. I probably will be feeling up for a day or so and then crash like I always do. I know not sleeping the past few nights caused this to happen. Also this time of year.

It’s so weird because it’s like my mood took a complete 180. The other night I was swimming in despair and now I feel on cloud nine. I am in pain but it isn’t quite affecting my mood so much. I can handle it a little bit better. Yet I still want to end my life. I am just trying not to dwell on it so much right now because things have shifted. I know it is temporary. I will probably feel like shit tomorrow and not want to get out of bed. I need to go into town though. I have to get my meds squared away. Fricken hate this sometimes but it is a necessary evil.

I feel like having another cup of tea but I know if I do, I probably won’t sleep at all. I really am on a tea kick. I don’t know why. I should make coffee tomorrow and see if I can drink it. I have been wanting to see if I could drink it but I am not sure. I think the new French press might have changed the way the coffee tastes. It has a new filter so the right amount of coffee is being filtered. I am just wondering if it is taking the flavor away as well. Or maybe I am not using the right amount of water. I don’t know. I had it down pat the water to coffee ratio. Now I think I have to adjust because it is a new press. Maybe I am off by an ounce or something. I hate playing with it. I wish the beaker had markings on it saying how much water you are putting in. I have just been going by the wordings on the container. Not a good measure, I know. But on my old one, that was how I knew I put just the right amount of water to coffee.

I just emailed my psych telling her I am hypomanic. I told her I don’t expect it to last. Thank fucking god I don’t get paid this week. God only knows what shit I would buy from Amazon. One of the Twitter people I follow had an Amazon suggestion for a pine coffin. HOLY SHIT! That is all I need to know. I can build my own coffin! I want a pine coffin anyway. I don’t need the fancy shit. Just put me in the box and then in the furnace. It said it was good for cremations. It was $600 though. I don’t have that much dough left over after I pay all my bills. If I skim, I usually have around $200 or so. I am trying to lower my grocery order to less than $150. I want to make cauliflower buffalo bites so need the ingredients for it. I think my mother and I will like it. I am just worried the stuff is not going to stick to it because according to the directions, all it needs is water on the cauliflower and then you dip it in flour and then flax seed. I don’t know if there is more to it than that. I had the recipe up but I had to restart my laptop because it was being a fink. I will be so damn happy when my other laptop gets fixed. Then I can shove this POS in the toilet. Actually, probably not as I don’t want to wreck the plumbing.

My ankle and foot are really fucking hurting me. Making those burritos was not a good idea, even though my belly is happy. I need more picante sauce. I had to order it. I just hope I have enough until next week. If not, I know Walgreens has it. I can pick it up later today when I go out, which might be in twelve hours from now. Fucking fuck. IF I get to sleep. I bet my mother is going to fucking call at 8 asking me to put on her socks. I hate doing it only because you have to wear these thick gloves that have special contacts on them to make putting on the socks easier. They do help so the sock doesn’t slip so easily. But they are so damn tight and hard to take off. Putting them on is hard too.

The podcast I heard tonight was Terri Clark and Sara Evans, two country music artists. They were talking about how females were basically being shut out of commercial country and they are. All you hear on the radio are male artist and that bitch Miranda Lambert, who got all the fricken female awards at the ACMs. Carrie Underwood is big but Miranda is a slimeball. In case you haven’t noticed, I don’t like her much. She just looks like a bitch. I miss the radio days where you did hear Terri, Sara, Martina McBride, Mary Chapin Carpenter, and others from the 90s. Maybe I am just an oldie. But their music was good and made you get into a groove. I like the male artists but like Terri and Sara was saying, they all sound the same. And they do. They don’t have a distinctive voice like Chris Stapleton or George Jones. Tim McGraw has come a long way but he is moving toward pop like the rest of them. Taylor I can’t say. I will love her always, even though her videos are like WTF. She has moved to pop, too though she is trying to go back to country, so they say. I think she will have some competition with bitch face Lambert. I heard she is doing something with Sugarland. That will be interesting because Jennifer Nettles and Kristain Bush are wonderful songwriters. I really can’t wait for their album but I think it will come out after I am gone. Even country radio has changed. I started listening to WKLB in 1993 when they first aired. They had many personalities and the only one that has remained throughout the years has been Carolyn Kruse. She is a sweetheart. I was sad to see Lori Grande, Keith Stephens, JW, and Steve Kelly leave. I don’t know if they were fired or left voluntarily because their contracts were up. We’ll probably never know. I know a lot of their fans were hurt. I know that if Kruser leaves, I won’t listen to the station anymore, which will kind of stink because I won’t know new music coming out from new artists. I follow a lot of my favorite artists so I keep a float with their new stuff. But the others, like Cam, I would probably miss if it weren’t for the radio. I found out Cam came out a couple of years ago. She had a Grammy for her song Burning House. I never knew that.

some good news, some pain, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Some good news, some pain, and other things

I woke up again around 3 am to pee but was able to get back to sleep. I honestly have no idea how I didn’t end up in the floor of my bathroom as I was catching myself going back to sleep while on the can. My med alarm went off at 0715 which I just changed to 0850. I took my meds and then dozed off, waiting for my mother to call to put her socks on. The call never came and I lightly slept. When I woke up at noon, I was totally disoriented to what the hell day it was. It was raining pretty good and the wind was splattering the rain against my window, which at times was startling me.

I went downstairs and found the stove dismantled. My mother was cleaning it. Guess making burritos or tea for that matter, wasn’t happening. I was kind of dizzy but wanted some food. I heated up the pancakes I made yesterday. They were okay for day old pancakes. I didn’t drink anything with it because I was too tired to get something to drink. I chugged some powerade when I went back to my room. I also took pain meds. I must have been on my bed for about an hour or so when the atrophied part of my ankle just went nuts. I hurt so bad, I cried. I kept thinking about killing myself. I just can’t go on like this. I wrote a post on Facebook about how animals are treated more humanely than humans.

I took some pain meds and the pain settled down. I wanted some lunch so made a pizza. I finally found the right temperature to make it crispy. I sort of forgot about it when the timer went off because my mother was busy with the stove and wanted me to put the things I bought her on the pilots. They are a removeable thing that makes cleaning up easier. I checked on my pizza and it was almost burnt so I got it just in time.

My mother was making chicken for dinner and I wanted to make the red potatoes I bought. I washed them and cut them up, ready for my mother to make them when she was making dinner. I then went back upstairs. I rested for a bit. I was suddenly drained. I felt like I had the flu but not really. I couldn’t believe how wiped I was. I wanted to sleep but knew my mother would call me soon as I got to sleep saying that supper was ready. It takes me at least 45 minutes to get to sleep. I was on my phone when a FB message came from someone I wasn’t friends with. The message was from a teacher asking if I was the author of Darkness Always Wins. A student of hers wanted to use one of my stories for prose. She was asking whether the work was fiction or not. I told her it wasn’t as it was based on my experiences of mental illness. She thanked me and said my work was touching. I was so flattered that a student in Texas read my book and wanted to expand on it. I have no idea if the student was high school or college level. I guess maybe high school. I didn’t ask as I was just happy someone liked my work. I haven’t sold many books but some of the writing is from my blogs.

My mother told me I had to clean up after dinner. Fuck. I was really dizzy and needed a cup of tea. I made a cup and my mother wanted coffee so I made her a cup as well. When I was done with my tea, I washed the dishes. Normally I don’t use the dishwasher but today I did as I didn’t feel like washing. That is what it is there for, right? I loaded it and then just washed the pans. I even put the utensils in the washer. HA, it was an easy clean up.

The baseball game for today was cancelled due to rain. There isn’t a game until tomorrow late night as they are on the west coast. I hate west coast games. Game time isn’t until 10 pm. I need to sleep so I probably won’t be listening if I drift off before then. We will be playing the Angels and our first game is with their new ace pitcher Ohtani. I don’t know where he is from but the static about him is fierce. I don’t remember who we have pitching tomorrow. I want to say Price but I could be wrong.

I think my experiment of splitting my meds is over. I can’t handle the dizziness anymore. So it will be back to “eating a meal”. I just wish my meds didn’t make me so bloated after taking them. It is like eating a meal after taking the 12 or so pills. I also need to vamp up my fiber tomorrow. It has been more than a few days since I had a bowel movement. I know it is partially my fault because I got things loose and then stopped the senna for a night. Now I can’t go at all. I had two doses of fiber yesterday and still nothing today. I would take the fiber tonight but one time it started to work at like midnight and then I was going until 2 in the morning. Not a good idea. Thank you CES for causing my bowels to become so unpredictable and to keep going. I hate when this happens. I won’t go for days and then when I do, I can’t stop. Make up your fricken mind, bowels!

feeling off and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

Feeling off and other things

I woke up in the middle of the night, again. I couldn’t go back to sleep right away so stayed up for a couple of hours. I went back to sleep some time around 5. My med alarm went off around 0730. I shut it off but didn’t take my meds. I just laid there and fell back to sleep. Then my mother called to put on her socks. I took my meds and went to her room. It was a little easier to put on the socks today than it was yesterday. I used the bathroom and then went back to my room to snooze for a bit. I was really tired.

I wanted to make pancakes and burritos. I started with the pancakes. They were good. I only made two of the four I made. I’ll probably have them tomorrow morning. I never made the burritos as I got really tired and dizzy like I was going to pass out. I told my mother not to call me for dinner as I wasn’t feeling well. She asked what was wrong and I told her I was dizzy and just out of it. Probably because I’ve had no sleep.

It was cold in my room and it took forever to get comfortable. I kept having to adjust my blankets. Then when I got comfortable, my pain spiked. For some reason, I got intense pain near my malleolus that made me cry out. I had such intense suicidal feelings. I felt like another 2 months was too long. I wanted to do it now! I don’t care. I can’t take this stupidity anymore. I had just taken a strong pain pill so after a while, the pain went away and I was able to sleep. I didn’t sleep long. My bladder was threatening to explode so I got up. I was still feeling awful.

I had dinner and watched the rest of the Sox game. We won 3-1. We still have the best record of 13-2 so far. I think it is quite amazing. I still want to go to a game before I die. I want to sit in the seats in the bleachers, section 37. I think those are the best seats because you can see the entire field and scoreboards. I want to be in the first few rows though, not up in the stands, only because of my mobility issues. I know the tickets will be expensive. I think when I last looked they were like $60 or more, depending where you sat. And that was just for one ticket! I remember when they used to be $8 for the same seats!

After I had dinner I was still feeling crappy so went up to my room. I did my med box for the week. I tried to settle down but pain once again shot up. I am so damn tired. I really want to sleep at least 6 hours straight with no interruptions. This sleeping every few hours shit has to stop. I don’t know why I am sleeping so lousy. Yes, I am in pain and that has been the main reason. I think being up most of the day yesterday really messed me up. I don’t like being up in the middle of the night either. I thought for sure I was going to sleep through the night because I was up all day. HA, that was a joke. Maybe I will take some mirtazapine tonight so it will knock me out. The Neurontin I think hasn’t been too effective in putting me to sleep. I also think it might be causing the dizziness because I am not sleeping it off. I won’t be taking it tonight. If I feel better tomorrow, then I can probably say the Neurontin is causing the dizziness for some reason. I don’t know why as I have been taking it for years at relatively the same dose. I only took 600 mg last night instead of 900 mg so not sure why I am so fricken crappy.

Other than seeing my psychiatrist on Friday, I have no other appts this week. Tuesday I need to go to my PCP’s office to get my scripts for my meds. I was thinking of getting my haircut but I am still on the fence about it. Depends on how I feel. I want to take a shower tonight. I think I will after I take my night meds. Maybe that will help me feel a little better.

two hour increments

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

Two hour increments

I didn’t sleep at all last night. I slept every hour and then every two. I gave up around 0830 when my mother called me to put compression socks on her. She needs someone to help her put them on as they are really tight. I will be putting them on her until the swelling goes down, which could be forever. I don’t have much faith in these socks. I just took them off her because I didn’t want her to wake me up around 2030 when she went to bed. I am so fricken tired. I took my night meds really early because I didn’t want to wait till 1900.

I did a few errands today while wearing the boot. I brought my barbers the casserole. I brought my journal with me, hoping to write but I never did. I didn’t have the right pen. I am very particular when it comes to writing with pens. So I drank my espresso, just three shots today. Then I went into town to get my commuter rail tickets for Thursday as I will be heading south of Boston to have dinner with my friends. I hope my pain doesn’t interfere with this plan. I haven’t seen my friends in so long and really want to see them. It was kind of a mistake to go into town as there were a lot of people as this weekend is Marathon Monday. Boston goes crazy. I didn’t like that it was the weekend anyway because I had to wait for the train and bus. By the time I got back to the square, my back was aching me. Then the bus driver on the bus home was a lunatic. Kept speeding up to a stop and then slammed on the brakes. I had to hold on to stay in my seat the whole ride. I was not happy.

I came home with the intention of having lunch and then taking a nap. But I just couldn’t sleep. I dozed off for 2 hours and then my mother called me to tell me dinner was ready. I feel so sick from lack of sleep. My pain is awful. I just took some more pain meds. It’s getting close to the end of the month so I hope I have enough meds till Tuesday. I am not getting anywhere near Boston on Monday. It will be a mad house. I hate crowds. I have three friends running the marathon and another friend will be at the finish line volunteering.

I solved my fricken windows update issue by using an external hard drive. I am so glad it worked. I had to order a USB to USB wire as the one I had went AWOL. I tried looking in different places where I have assorted wires but no luck. Now that I have the new wire, I am sure it will turn up. Well, I thought I solved the issue but I didn’t. I searched online for answers and found that you can’t change the drive where windows downloads updates. Fucking jerks. I am so pissed off as there are like over 100 updates and I can’t install them because I have no space. I don’t understand how one fricken update needs 8GB of space. Like WTF. Why does it need so much space!!?? Pisses me off. I don’t know how they expected this piece of shit to run when it can’t download updates. I am so mad I wasted $300.

I think my night meds are making me awake. I was so tired before and now I am feeling energized. WTF. I hate when this happens. I still feel kind of groggy but my mother is watching games and they are really loud with the sounds. The TV is right under my bedroom. I loved when my mother used to watch TV while muted. She would just read the closed caption. It was great. But something happened and she couldn’t get it anymore on certain channels so I had to use the TV’s closed caption. Now the words are there with the damn sound. So fucking annoying. She has no clue how loud the TV is to normal hearing people. I usually have to wait until she goes to bed to get some sleep. I usually listen for her as she goes up the stairs anyway to make sure she doesn’t fall or something. That is my biggest fear. Her legs are really bothering her more and they are very swollen for whatever reason. I wish the doctors would give her a diuretic to bring the swelling down as the furosemide (Lasix) isn’t doing shit. She is still bruised from the fall she took in November. I told her to put heat on it but her doctor told her she was bruised forever so she won’t listen to me. She never does.

If I get some sleep tonight, maybe I can shower tomorrow. I really stink but my foot/ankle is hurting so damn bad that standing for 10 minutes is not going to happen. I should have done it before leaving the house today but I wasn’t thinking. I just wanted to drop the stuff off and then come home. HA, that didn’t happen. I haven’t had any caffeine since this morning. My British friend told me about a strong tea called Twinning Everyday. I really like it. The caffeine must be good on it because like coffee, it puts me to sleep after I drink it. HAHA. It is filling so I try not to drink more than one cup. This tea is full-bodied so has a rich taste to it compared to my Bigelow tea that I normally drink. I haven’t had coffee in a month now. The new coffee I bought is on the counter saying use me but I just can’t. I kind of lost my taste for coffee. I probably will get it back in a month or two. I got to check the half and half and see if it is still good. Maybe I will make coffee tomorrow and see if I can get back to drinking it rather than tea. I always swap one for the other.