Category: grief

Dreary rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mood disorders

I woke up in severe pain. I took my pain meds and my BP pill. I had to pee so used the bathroom. Going downstairs was awful. Any movement of my foot caused pain. I don’t know if it was raining or not. The rain was supposed to start in the afternoon. I figured if it hasn’t started yet, I could go to the post office. I had to brush my teeth and eat something as I was hungry. My foot said no. I was in complete agony. So I went back to sleep.

I woke up when my pain meds wore off. My foot still hurt. It was raining but not hard. It was kind of dark despite daylight hours. I had to use the bathroom. I took my meds, put on the boot, then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth then had a bowl of cereal. I had paid all of my bills. I didn’t order my groceries. I am going to wait till Friday when everything clears.

My psych responded to my email. She called in my meds and gave me an appt for Monday. I said okay. I am supposed to see my therapist later that afternoon. I am going to find out where the bus stop is at the station so I don’t have to walk. I think that will be easier for me. I just need to figure out where the best stop to get off is.

I got hungry again and wanted steak tips. I ordered them from a place down the street. I got like 6 pieces and the rest was vegetables, fries, and salad. I won’t be ordering from them again. I also got mozzarella sticks. I am so full.

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. Hard to believe he passed away 2 years ago. My sister posted a video of him being a goofball. I miss the asshole. I don’t think my sisters and I are doing anything. We might see my aunt Sunday afternoon. It takes some planning.

Am I weak?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, psychache, suicidality

I called UNCLE. I was slowly drifting off to la la land and then the unknown entity in the form of a knife started stabbing the middle of my foot. I am filled with such despair right now, I’m beside myself.

I just want to die but I can’t leave my room because I can’t bear weight on my damn foot. I’ve been trying to distract most of the night but I am angry. Angry the meds work on certain pains I get in my foot and ankle, angry my PCP doesn’t meet with me frequently enough to see what I am going through, angry that I am forced to use mobility aids around the house to try and lessen my pain. Angry that my friends in real life don’t get what I am going through. My sister came up to visit and she wanted me to go downstairs to see her. I told her I was in too much pain. There was silence. I felt like I could hear her thoughts saying yeah right, like I would stay in my room to avoid her. 

The past few days have been awful pain wise. I’ve been trying my best to stay on top of it but it’s hard when the pain keeps changing and now it is affecting my bones. I get severe bone pain in my foot and ankle, specifically, the malleolus and metatarsals. But only half of my foot and ankle hurt. The last three toes going up to my ankle and outer foot/ankle hurt really bad. It is draining me. I can’t tolerate the pain. I want to die.

I’ve been thinking about my therapist that I’ve been seeing the last few months. I’m going to be straight with him and see if he is willing to help me or just play with his nails. I need encouragement if I’m to continue living. I haven’t gotten that from him at all. I miss my ex-therapist. She always provided encouragement and support. 

I see my psychiatrist Friday. She has been on vacation the past few weeks, but I’ve been emailing her about what has been happening in her absence. I’ve come up with a suicidal plan. I think I emailed it to her, I’m not sure. If I did, She didn’t respond. Im sure we’ll talk about it when i see her. If my therapist doesn’t want to help me with my problems, I’m going to stop seeing him. I mean, what would be the point? Ramble for 45 minutes every week with no feedback or analysis of what I am talking about? I’ll have better luck talking to a wall.

Chronic pain has got to settle down. It is killing me and will kill me. Even though I’m on pain meds, and they do work, however my pain is so intense and unpredictable that I never know when I need to take a pill to control it. I can’t say, ok at 7 pm the pain is going to be this so I’ll take this pill at 6 pm so I’m not hurting. It doesn’t work that way. Maybe in a perfect world.

I’ve been fighting sleep since 2130. Every time I get relaxed enough to drift off, my pain increases or I feel like my foot is on fire. Then I need to take another med to calm the flames. Trouble is, this med takes hours to work so in the meantime, I’m hurting and going berserk with pain.

Why is it when I talk about killing myself, people just don’t want me to die? I understand but if I was an animal, I would have been euthanized by now. Why can’t humans be euthanized? I know in certain countries you can be via assisted suicide. But I don’t have the money needed to fly there and pay for services just to die in a foreign land. I am so sad I no longer can work or walk anymore. Being in pain sucks. I do have the suicide disease. My dream come true. Now I just need a concrete plan to go ahead with it.

Can’t pass out due to pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, disability, grief, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

I’ve been fighting sleep for the past two hours. Every time I think it is safe to lie down, my ankle or foot acts up after about 10 to 15 mins. I took this and that but I’m still awake. In a few mins I’m going to take more pain meds as I’m due. Man, I wish my doc would put me on extended release pain meds so I don’t have to take them around the clock.

My sister ordered food and invited me to have some. I couldn’t say no to pizza and fries, even though I had something to eat about an hour before. Now my stomach is hurting because I ate too much. Oh well. I really should be watching what I eat but I hate doing it so I don’t. My weight is a yo-yo anyways. I lose and gain the same 5-10 pounds. I have been drinking more water instead of soda. Small changes which I hope will help in the long run.

I’ve been thinking about therapy. Maybe in my next session I’ll see what he really knows about the different modalities. I’m tired of talking about myself. I just feel like I ramble and don’t get any feedback so why bother. Or he’ll throw out some analysis but it will stop there without a way to help me. How am I supposed to get better if he doesn’t help me along the way? It’s just getting frustrating. 

I really would like to sleep. With all the meds I take, I should be knocked out with a few hours. Pain is a bitch. It is really draining me the hell out of me. I should look into getting an adjustable bed. Maybe then I can sleep while sitting up without it hurting my back. My mother bought one but she doesn’t like it. 

I have been thinking bad thoughts about how to get rid of my ankle. I just don’t want it anymore. It is too painful. And the pain travels down my foot into my toes, all on the outer part of it. Only exception is when my big toe acts up for whatever reason. 

The whole thing is making me very depressed and suicidal at times. I don’t want to be disabled. I want my crummy job back or maybe go back to school to finish my degree. But I can’t last more than a few hours out of the house and I can’t walk very far without severe pain. Depressing.

year anniversary of the death of my father

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, grief, mood disorders

It’s been a year since my father passed away. All day I have been thinking about him and the events that went on that day. I feel really sad.

My therapist wanted me to do something nice for myself so I went to Starbucks and ordered my favorite latte and a breakfast sandwich. I tried writing in my journal but nothing was coming to me. I left to go to my PCP’s office to pick up my prescription. Walking there was okay. Then walking back to the train station, my right ankle started bothering me. I felt like going up to the ankle service as I was at MGH to make an appointment with the chief of the service but I didn’t. I just wanted to go home.

I had a half hour before the next bus and didn’t want to wait so I took a cab to walgreens. I left my prescription and said I would be back in an hour. I came home and felt really shitty. Both ankles were bothering me and I couldn’t stand it. I hobbled up the stairs, got the mail. I had to use the bathroom and then I went up to my room. I took three pain meds and 800 mg of ibuprofen. I am in serious pain. It started raining.

I had to call my psychiatrist so I did. I waited for her to call back. We talked for a bit. I told her I would call the ankle service to set up an appointment. I had to get on the computer to get the chief’s name as I couldn’t remember it. I called and even though I specified that I wanted the appointment with the chief, the secretary gave me the appointment with his PA. Asshole. It’s in a few weeks.

I just got notification that my prescriptions are ready. I need a nap. I will probably pick them up later after dinner. I am so tired. Being in chronic pain just takes so much out of you. I feel like a weakling because I just don’t have the stamina I once had to do things. It really depresses me that things I was able to do, I can’t do anymore. It’s very frustrating. I need a nap and then I am more tired than I was before the nap. It’s also frustrating because they are working on the damn house in the street over and they are so damn noisy. They are rebuilding the whole damn thing, it sounds like. Every day there is hammering and sawing. So hard to rest when you hear the noise.

I have been having intrusive memories most of the day. I keep remembering stuff that happened this day last year with the death of my father. I don’t know if I will ever get over his loss. There are so many mixed feelings I have for my father and none of it is good. He was an asshole and a miserable person who only thought of himself. He was vain and loved to stare at pictures of himself. He always had to dress in a shirt and dress pants. He never owned sweatpants or jeans. He always called me fat and ugly. No one contradicted him so I believed him. I still do and probably always will.