Category: mental illness

I snapped again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, suicidality

Last night as I was going to bed, I moved my foot like I always do and for some reason it got caught on the bedding, forcing my toes forward. I saw stars. Then I became wicked suicidal. It was late, after 2330 and I didn’t want to page my psych. I reached out to a friend who understood about chronic pain and being suicidal. We talked until the pain meds took effect and I fell asleep.

Then tonight, I was wicked tired after eating dinner so tried to take a nap. About 15 mins later, my ankle explodes in severe pain. I took my meds and when I went back to bed, more pain in my foot. I feared if I call my psych, I’m going to tell her it’s over. I’m dead. I don’t care. Hopeless as all hell. Can’t stand this shit any more. So I got in touch with the same friend last night. We talked it over. I had an anxiety attack because the pain just magnifies my PTSD. She told me to breathe and it made me dizzy. It always does. I find that if I center my breathing, I do better. Least until the ativan kicks in.

I hate this is the second night in a row this has happened. I just feel hopeless that this is my life now and I can’t stand it. It’s really pushing my suicidal tendencies to the max. I don’t know when the pain will flare. Tonight it happened after standing for 5 mins to take my meds. There is no rhyme or reason for this pain anymore. It is exhausting. 

I’ve been up since 0400. I’m really tired and need sleep but I got to wait till my pain meds kick in before I can think about lying down again. And the anxiety just put me in fight or flight mode so I have no idea when that is going to settle down. My night meds has an ativan so I’m hoping it will work soon. Otherwise I will just take another one. 

I hope I’m asleep soon. My friend suggested sleeping in the recliner but it’s downstairs and my foot will hate that. Plus, it’s not that comfy. I will lie down soon and hope my foot doesn’t explode again. Two times in one night will just kill me.

Case of the Mondays

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental disorders, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

I hardly slept last night, which is getting to be my routine. my mother woke me up when she got up and then my alarm went off. I didn’t want to get out of bed. I wanted to leave the house by 0830 but by the time the sheets and blankets stopped holding me hostage, it was 0835. crap. I quickly got dressed and ran to the bus stop. luckily I didn’t have to wait long.
The trains were severely delayed due to a medical emergency at one of the stops. I waited for 5 trains and they were all full. by the time the 5th train rolled into the station, I was supposed to be at my appointment. I said fuck this and took the bus to the Square. I had my espresso and breakfast. I was really tired but by the time I finished my sandwich, I missed the bus. Just my luck. I had to wait an hour for the next one. 

I decided to write in my journal but didn’t get too far. I guess CBT is not meant for me. I texted my therapist about the delays and missing my appointment. I also texted her that I was canceling our appointments this week. I haven’t heard back from her so I hope she isn’t avoiding me. she likes to play games with our times. drives me crazy.

I came home and my mother was watching TV really loud. I have been trying to sleep but my mother is making it impossible. She is baking and watching TV in the kitchen with the volume at full blast. I took some pain meds because the brace I had on made my ankle hurt and it still is smarting from last night, plus all the standing I did at the station didn’t help. 

I’ve been reading twitter since I came home. the delays from this morning are finally clear. Figures. I really want to nap. Meds are making me drowsy so maybe I will. I just need to block out the noise in the kitchen.Least there isn’t construction going on today. I would really lose it.

Mixed Messages

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mental illness, mood disorders, psychosis

Mixed messages

I was talking with a friend of mine tonight. I told her the deal with the trilafon and I realized that my psychiatrist is giving me mixed messages. She is okay with me taking up to 8 mg of trilafon a day but yet she is only giving me 4 mg a day scripts. I have 30 pills to play with. Some days I need 12 mg and I have told her this. I don’t know what to do.

The voices are telling me, of course, not to take anything. Fat chance of that happening. I take it when they are not “looking”. Today I was having musical hallucinations so I had to take something. 4 mg just doesn’t hold me the whole day anymore. It never really did. 8 mg is the magic number. I know that she is hesitant to put me on a higher dose because of side effects. Trilafon can give you nasty side effects worse than the 2nd generation anti-psychotics. But I never had those side effects while taking it. Granted, I have never taken the drug longer than a month at a time and my psychiatrist is being really careful with me. For the first time in over 20 years she did a mini neuro exam while I was in the office, checking for tics and TD and stuff.

I just need more pills so I am not anxious about running out of meds. I am good right now because I just filled my script but in a week or so, I am going to be running low. I don’t see her for three weeks and I have approximately two weeks of meds. That isn’t going to stretch.

I have never been good at asking what I need. It’s easier for me to write an email than it will be to page her and tell her what I need over the phone. Trouble is that sometimes she doesn’t answer the emails right away and there is no way for me to know if she read it at all. Least with me talking to her on the phone, I can get an answer right then and there. But it’s hard for me to say that I need more pills. I don’t know why that is but it is. I feel like I am asking too much. But in reality, I know that I am not. I wish I wasn’t in the predicament. If my doc had just written the script for twice a day, I would be set and wouldn’t be in the conundrum.