Category: mood disorders

Just when I think…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

Despite morning rain, a sunny afternoon

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Despite morning rain, a sunny afternoon

When I woke up at six this morning it was still dark and raining. I used the bathroom and then checked the weather report. It said it was going to be raining for most of the day. I thought it was just supposed to be yesterday and that was it. Guess I wasn’t getting all my errands done. I planned on just going to the bank for my mother and then pick up my meds at Walgreens. I took my morning meds and set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day.

I woke up just before the alarm went off. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. It was a bit brighter in my room but that could be deceiving. I got up and decided to shower. Then I would eat something. It was sunny out and warm. I would be able to do all my errands. I showered and my foot didn’t act up. I was hot though. I heated up a burrito that I had made. It was really filling. After I ate, I went up to my room to get dressed. I wore jean shorts. I have no idea what happened to my belts. They are only on two pairs of pants/jeans. I have 3 or 4 belts so that means 1 or 2 are missing. I just wore the shorts without the belt. My phone would have to go in the cargo pocket.

I got my packages and my mother’s bank book (yes, bank book, she doesn’t do anything electronically) and left. I had also grabbed the screen that needed to be fixed. I went to the post office first. I forgot the customs form that I had already filled out in my bag. I filled out another one. Then I got a box for the thing I was mailing. I also mailed the card for my friend in Canada. It needed postage as I didn’t have enough on it. I have no idea what the postage is but the lady put like three stamps on it, in addition to the two I had put. I paid then waited for the bus to go to the screen place down the street. It was too long for me to walk.

I didn’t have to wait too long. I got to the screen place and the lady said she wasn’t sure she could fix it and it might have to be replaced. I asked how much it would be and she said between $60-70. I was expecting that much. They said they would call me. I missed the 1330 bus. The next bus was to the Square and I debated going to have espresso. I decided to get it so stayed on the bus. When I got half way there, I ordered my drink and some Danish. I don’t know why I ordered it as I wasn’t hungry. I will have it for tomorrow as I didn’t eat it.

I went to the bank and then to Walgreens. I bought some facial stuff as I have a breakout of blackheads on my nose. I had an astringent but it smelled really bad. I tossed it as I figured it was expired. I wanted to get a facial bar and scrub sponge. It took me forever to find the sponge as I didn’t remember who made it. I finally found it as I almost gave up. I should have bought a soap holder but forgot. The bar that I bought breaks down quickly when wet. Hopefully I won’t have to use it for too long. I hope to get my haircut tomorrow. It’s the only thing left to do this week, oh and get my T-Pass.

My Amazon package had arrived when I came home. I had ordered my sister the cappuccino that I like as I used her last few packs. I also bought my brother in law the tea that he likes. I forgot I bought my mother the tennis ball gliders for the walker so it wouldn’t make so much noise. Putting them on was a bitch. They worked though.

I kind of caught the last of the game last night. Seems the Sox and the Bruins (hockey) were behind and came back to win. Hoping for another win tonight. Sale is pitching. He didn’t do well last time out, but then he was up against an A’s pitcher that no hit.

Dreary rainy day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, grief, mood disorders

I woke up in severe pain. I took my pain meds and my BP pill. I had to pee so used the bathroom. Going downstairs was awful. Any movement of my foot caused pain. I don’t know if it was raining or not. The rain was supposed to start in the afternoon. I figured if it hasn’t started yet, I could go to the post office. I had to brush my teeth and eat something as I was hungry. My foot said no. I was in complete agony. So I went back to sleep.

I woke up when my pain meds wore off. My foot still hurt. It was raining but not hard. It was kind of dark despite daylight hours. I had to use the bathroom. I took my meds, put on the boot, then went downstairs. I brushed my teeth then had a bowl of cereal. I had paid all of my bills. I didn’t order my groceries. I am going to wait till Friday when everything clears.

My psych responded to my email. She called in my meds and gave me an appt for Monday. I said okay. I am supposed to see my therapist later that afternoon. I am going to find out where the bus stop is at the station so I don’t have to walk. I think that will be easier for me. I just need to figure out where the best stop to get off is.

I got hungry again and wanted steak tips. I ordered them from a place down the street. I got like 6 pieces and the rest was vegetables, fries, and salad. I won’t be ordering from them again. I also got mozzarella sticks. I am so full.

Today is the anniversary of my father’s death. Hard to believe he passed away 2 years ago. My sister posted a video of him being a goofball. I miss the asshole. I don’t think my sisters and I are doing anything. We might see my aunt Sunday afternoon. It takes some planning.

got nothing done today

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Got nothing done today

I had wanted to go to the post office and then to the screen place to have my window screen fixed but neither happened because I woke up late. My mother woke me up around 0830, after I fell asleep at 5. I should have stayed up. I thought about it but I was so fricken tired I just went back to sleep. My mother called me around 2 asking where I was. Like seriously, leave me the fuck alone.

I didn’t want to do a damn thing when she woke me up. I had to brush my teeth as I never did it yesterday. I needed to make the last steakhouse burger I had before it went bad. I cleared the messages on my phone, took my pain meds, and then went to the bathroom to brush. It was after 3 so I told my mother I was making a burger for dinner. After the burger I made some tea. My friend who I talked to last night called me as I was drinking it to see how I was doing. We talked for a bit as he was making his way home from work. He was stuck in traffic.

I really hate that I slept so damn late. I should have set my alarm or something. Tomorrow is going to rain so I don’t think I can do anything. The weather is okay Wednesday so maybe I will do that. I am listening to the game. Sox are losing 3-1 right now. I hope they make a comeback.

I paid some bills while I was up. I didn’t order my groceries because I didn’t have enough to cover. I plan on placing the order tomorrow. My mother used my carrots in the stir fry she made last night so I need more. She also told me that she cut up the celery I bought and froze it. I don’t mind because it is cheaper to get a thing of celery than to buy it all cut up.

Free baseball as my boys tied up the game in the 9th inning. YAY, not over yet. Will update when the game is over.

update 2203, Sox lose 4-3 😦