Category: mood disorders

Pain, not sleeping, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, painsomnia

I was up till 3 slept for an hour and then got up a few hours later. I was so tired. I was having serious pain where I have the part of my ankle that lost muscle (atrophied). Nothing was really working and standing was not a good idea. I think around 2, I decided to put the compression sock I bought on. It took about an hour for it to decrease my pain enough so I could sleep.

When I got up around 10 or so, I had some mini wheat cereal. When I poured the cereal, it just made a mess and I overfilled the bowl. Great. I picked up what was on the floor and then cleaned off the counter where shredded wheat had dropped. I put almond milk in my cereal. It was good. A couple hours later, I got hungry again so made a tuna sandwich with carrots and celery. It was really good. I didn’t end up using all the tuna so I will have lunch tomorrow or maybe a midnight snack. One never knows.

I then slept for a while. My mother called me to say dinner was ready but I didn’t get up. I slept for another hour. The house smelled like cabbage. My mother had cooked it. I was going to try it but the smell was bad when I took off the lid. No, thanks. I just had the spaghetti my mother made.

Now I am hoping to listen to the ballgame. My ankle is kind of sore. I had to take the sock off as I felt it was too long that I had it on. I’ve been having minimal pain most of the day. Hope it stays that way.

Sleepy and Sad Day

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy and Sad day

I’ve been up since 0630 because I woke up with side effects from the Invega. I had spasticity and spaghetti arms. I took my pain meds, half an Ativan, and BP pill. I couldn’t go back to sleep because I was so uncomfortable. An hour later I decided I would go to Starbucks and maybe write as I had time to kill, plenty of time.

The bus was late so I didn’t get to Starbucks till after 0815. I was still groggy as I ordered my espresso and breakfast sandwich. I then wondered how I was going to pay for my meal when it dawned on me that I had to open the Starbucks app to pay. Duh. Did I mention I was sleepy? The espresso took longer than heating up my sandwich. There wasn’t many people waiting for their drinks so I don’t know why 5 shots of espresso took so long. As I reached the table where my stuff was, I almost poured my drink out as I put my bag on the floor. Yes, I didn’t put the cover on the reusable mug. Great day I am having. I ate my sandwich and played with my phone. One of my friends had posted a pic of a doc that “sent a letter to the president” about how a person in his ER had tattoos and was smoking brand name cigarettes. Then he said should my tax dollars go to this person because he was on Medicaid. I thought it was very judgmental. The doc in the picture was white. I can only assume the patient was a POC, but I could be wrong. I felt like saying why should the patient be denied health insurance because of what he smokes and that he or she gets tattoos? It really irked me.

I finished my breakfast and took out my journal and notebook. I opened the journal to write for a bit as there was some stuff I wanted to write. I kept glancing at my notebook, wondering what I should write. I was still wondering if I should continue with what I had or start something new. I am totally frozen with this. I know I have to solve it if I want this damn story on paper. Thing is, I wasn’t sure where I was going when I first wrote, so picking it up again might lead no where. I don’t know. I only wrote about a page so it can go anywhere. I just got to move forward some how.

I was getting sleepy. A couple of young people came in Starbucks looking for an outlet. They had another brand of coffee. The guy’s pants was almost to his knees. He had a large overcoat on which was basically preventing everyone from seeing his underwear. I guess they found an outlet to charge their phones. They sat at the opposite end of where I was sitting. I just missed the bus home. I was cold and wanted my bed. The wind made every thing colder. I had to wait an hour for the next bus so I just wrote in my journal.

I came home and tried to snooze but my mother was watching the Price is Right and it was fricken loud. I heard every bell and whistle plus the noise of the audience. It was difficult to sleep. I gave up around noon when the show ended. I had to leave in a half hour to catch the bus to see my therapist.

I brought my therapist some muffins and we talked, mostly about my father. His anniversary is at the end of the month. Hard to believe two years has gone by. I still remember everything the week he died. It all happened pretty fast. I got kind of sad but I was too tired to let it affect me. My therapist said I sounded groggy. I was. He will be off next week so I will see him the following week.

I came home and just wanted sleep. I was still very cold despite the temps going up 10 degrees from the morning. I read Twitter to try and find out about Xander Bogaerts as he hurt his ankle. There wasn’t any new news. I got into bed and for the first time, I wasn’t warm under my fleece blanket. I must have laid there for about 10-15 minutes when my lower leg from the knee down felt like it was going to cramp. I took the other half of Ativan so I wouldn’t cramp. I waited for it to try and settle and then tried laying down again. My ankle was hurting really bad but I didn’t want to sit up again to take pain meds. I was just getting settled when the door bell rang. My mother was screaming for me. I didn’t care. I wasn’t going downstairs. My foot and ankle hurt too much and I knew if I stood, it was going to flare. I don’t know why my mother didn’t just call me on the phone. It turned out to be my books that I ordered. Fricken UPS had rung the bell.

I checked Twitter after sleeping for about 1.5 hours. My stupid med alarm went off and scared me to death. I wanted to go back to sleep but knew it was going to go off again in forty-five minutes for my night meds. Then I heard Wheel of Fortune so got up. I desperately needed food as the only thing I had eaten was the sandwich from this morning. I had something to eat and found out about Bogey. He cracked his ankle bone. Great. That possibly means 4-8 weeks out. I hope he doesn’t need surgery. He will be out for the season. I feel really bad for him. He had hurt his ankle while chasing a foul ball near the Rays dugout yesterday. I hope he heals quick. I am sad to see him hurt like this the beginning of the season. He was really getting into a groove. I don’t know who will take over his position. It won’t be the same infield with him gone for a while.

My Story of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

My story of CRPS, Complex Regional Pain Syndrome

I have had complex regional pain syndrome (CRPS) for almost eight years. I don’t remember exactly when it occurred. I would have to go back to the first podiatrist I saw in 2010 as he told me I had a sprain. The sprain occurred after I had a bad few days of really awful spasms in my foot. The spasms were so bad that it caused my foot to turn outward and even though I manually turned it in to stop the spasm, it turned right back. I was in agony afterwards. The meds, quinine and Zanaflex that I was taking did nothing to help these spasms. I had a nerve injury in my leg nine years prior and the same nerve injury four years before. I won’t go into that because it is another complicated syndrome.

I don’t have the typical presentation of CRPS. I don’t have the discoloration, temperature changes, swelling, etc. I just have pain and a little bit of swelling that causes my veins to pop out on my foot when I am in a flare. It makes the half of my ankle that is affected look bluish. I went to many doctors in the Boston area as well as in Boston. I must have seen specialists of all kinds, orthopedics, ankle surgeons, podiatrists, neurologists, physiatrists, etc. No one could really tell me what was going on. My neurologist that I was seeing for migraines and my nerve injury thought I had CRPS and so did at least two physiatrists that I saw. My former PCP was not convinced as he thought it was some mechanical thing going wrong with my foot/ankle so he sent me to more doctors that didn’t have a clue what was wrong with me.

During this time, I was working two different but the same type of jobs. I was working as a lab assistant in research and in the clinical labs. I worked anywhere from 40-50 hours a week. When my foot and ankle were bothering me, that kind of hindered my work. When one of the physiatrists sent me to a physical therapist to be evaluated for an AFO, I chose one job as moving around the two labs was difficult. I chose the clinical lab as I have been there the longest. But that was short lived as I couldn’t stand the pain when I came home. It was so bad and nothing was working except the opiate meds that I was taking, which I couldn’t take while working because it affected my cognition. Eventually, I had to put in restrictions as just walking around the lab was getting harder and harder to do. Because of my nerve injury, I couldn’t do certain things and then with my foot/ankle being impaired it made things harder. I ended up on forced medical leave and had to apply for long term disability and social security disability. Fortunately with all my medical records, I got both.

The pains that I had at first had changed. The pain is always changing during a flare. If my foot got cold due to the weather or even from the AC in my room, I had to wear thermal socks even if it was 90+ outside. Then the burning would happen once I got warmed up. It was terrible. I had to take one pain med for the physical pain and then another med for the burning pain. As recently as last night, I had several different pains at once. I had the feeling like a wire was around half my ankle, strangling it; a coring feeling that something round was trying to scoop out my last two metatarsals (foot bones) in my foot; there was stabbing along the tendons from my ankle down my foot in an L pattern; and the last three metatarsals were being played like a xylophone. There are other pains too. I sometimes feel like my foot is being crushed, the “glob”, which is an area of my ankle that has muscles, tendons, and ligaments are just throbbing. My bones ache terrible. My malleolus (ankle bone) was also being hammered severely last night. That is the worst pain that I have ever felt. I do not like bone pain because I have to take a strong pain pill for it and that pill can give me a lot of side effects, mostly constipation.

For some reason, only half of my ankle and foot are affected from the middle part outward. The inner part doesn’t hurt at all, though sometimes my big toe will hurt. No one has a reason for this. One doctor has said that it is a nerve injury and now my current PCP thinks that is the case despite my bone scan saying I have CRPS. It is very frustrating to deal with pain like this that just keeps you up at night or wakes you up in the middle of the night because your pain meds have worn off. All this week I have not had good sleep and have gone to bed between 4 and 6 in the morning. I tend to sleep all day, or most of it. It’s hard planning stuff because of my pain. I don’t have much of a social life. I don’t go to family gatherings or parties because I don’t know how my pain is going to be. Just taking half a step is enough to set off a flare. Or any type of movement can set it off. There have been many times I have been sitting in my bed, playing on my laptop and moved a little to get comfortable and wham, I am hit with pain. Another things that CRPS likes to do is after fifteen minutes of lying down or so, my foot or ankle will “explode” with pain. All I did was lay down. That was my crime. This is a terrible condition. I have thought about suicide many times during a flare. Fortunately, while in a flare, I am unable to walk so going through with something deadly is not going to happen. I tend to put it off till the pain goes down, but usually the morning comes and I no longer feel suicidal. I live another day.

I take small doses of short acting opioids throughout the day to manage my pain. My PCP wanted me to see a pain doctor so after four months, I did. He didn’t think I should be treated with pain medication. According to his notes, which I requested, he says I just need physical therapy. I was in physical therapy for three months. My flares were worse and the stress of going to the appointment and trying to keep up with home exercises was causing me more pain. I decided to quit PT until I had adequate pain control. I am still waiting. A month ago I last saw my pain doctor. He said he need to collaborate with my PCP and my psychiatrist then get back to me. I am still waiting. I honestly don’t think I will be treated with pain medication. In his notes, he has stated that he does not think pain meds are for me, though doesn’t state the reason. I am too exhausted to care. I pretty much decided to continue with what I am currently taking. I have made the decision to end my life at a specific time. No doctor wants to help me because the opioid epidemic is all based on lies and deceit. More chronic pain patients will end their lives or die a sudden death like Dr. Forrest Tennant has written about. The suffering will continue as long as the DEA continues to threaten doctors and keep them from being doctors.

Eight and one!!!

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Eight and one!!

For the first time in Red Sox franchise history, the Sox have an opening record of 8-1! They had a huge comeback win in the bottom of the 8th, scoring 6 runs to beat the Rays 8-7! It was so fucking awesome. I was ready to turn off the radio when the hits were just coming left and right. Then I didn’t want to leave my room until the game was over! It was so fucking awesome. I am so happy. There is no game tomorrow (sad face). The game Tues is against the Skankees.

I had an awful night. I didn’t go to sleep until 7 only to wake up a couple hours later because I was hungry. I guess the couple pieces of toast that I had around 4 wasn’t enough to hold me. I had frosted mini wheat cereal. I told my mother I was going back to bed. She called me around noon as her pillow exploded in the washer. What she expected me to do, I have no idea. I am glad I put my phone on do not disturb.

I have therapy tomorrow though I don’t know how much sleep I will be getting tonight. Seems my pain likes to spike and stay up around 2200, making it difficult to sleep. I made a cup of tea after the game and my ankle went berserk. All the bones are aching right now. I am really tired.

I have decided to split my meds so I am not taking so much at night as they seem to be making me feel bloated and in general just bothering my stomach. I take about 12-14 pills at night so I chose the pills that were less likely to make me sleepy. I start tomorrow as I didn’t fill my pill box this morning and I woke up too late to take the meds I wanted to. I plan on taking them in about a half hour to forty-five minutes. I want to take them before 1900 today because I want to be able to try and wind down. Course I tried that last night but I had a pain spike and then an unexpected bowel movement that caused nerve pain in my butt. That was so much fun as sitting hurt until Neurontin kicked in.

The picture on my blog is the mug that my brother in law gave me for Christmas. I thought it was fitting for this post. I have deemed it my tea mug. I was really dying for a cup today. I had ordered some “strong” tea from the UK that my friend on Twitter told me about. I am glad I waited as the first kind I bought but canceled was 100 bags. This order is for 50 bags. I hope I like it. It’s made my Twinning. I usually buy Bigelow tea. I have been on a tea kick lately. I haven’t made coffee at home in at least two weeks. I still drink my espresso at Starbucks. It just tastes different than coffee. I really wasn’t drinking the cups I made, no matter what kind I was making. I just couldn’t drink more than half a cup. The coffee was okay but I just couldn’t drink it. Maybe it is just a phase and I will go back after a while. I hope so. I have four bags of coffee!