Category: mood disorders

saying good-bye to a friend

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saying good-bye to a friend

I got up soon after my mother left the house. I wanted to basically shave the sides and part of the back of my head because she “loves” it so much. Unfortunately, the razor that I wanted to use died and I had to use my trimmer, which didn’t cut as close as I wanted it. I took a shower afterwards to get the hair off me.

I then made breakfast of scrambled eggs with pepper jack cheese. It was good. We were running low on orange juice so I figured after the wake, I would get some. By the time I was done ironing my shirt, it was time for the next bus to the Square. I desperately needed coffee. I got dressed quickly. My dress pants had some trouble going over my brace. Luckily the bus was a little late so I was basically on time when it came.

I felt pretty good in my shirt and tie. I hardly get dressed up anymore or even wear button down shirts since I have been out of work. I went to Starbucks for my espresso and started to write in my journal. I then thought I could get the juice at the new grocery store they opened in the Square a few months ago. They didn’t carry the kind I wanted in the size I wanted. I decided to go home so I could take another dose of pain meds before leaving for the funeral home. Unfortunately, I had spilled my coffee on my tie and it smelled of soy milk and espresso. I was not happy because cleaning ties are a bitch.

I came home and thought about blogging but I didn’t. I called my carrier for my cellphone to see if I could get a better deal now that my contract had expired. I lowered my bill, which is good and have unlimited everything plus a hotspot. I have no idea how to use a hotspot but whatever. It’s 10 GB and I doubt I will use it at all. But it’s with the plan and doesn’t cost me extra. The plan is in effect and I should see it in my next billing cycle.

I got antsy and decided to leave for the funeral home. It was nice weather, even though it was cloudy so I didn’t mind waiting outside. The bus was late but I didn’t care. I didn’t want to be there too early. I saw my friend and said goodbye to him. I told him to say hi to my other coworkers that have passed on. I then gave my condolences to the family.

I went to see the pictures they had on display and saw one of the friends that I used to work in. There were a few more that came in and we all talked. I learned there have been 81 people to date that have passed on since the company closed in 1997. I hope we don’t lose anymore. I waited around a bit, hoping to see more friends but it was getting late and I still needed to go to the grocery store. I left and then bought something to eat while at the store. I didn’t have dinner at home because I wasn’t hungry. By the time I made it back to the bus stop, my Achilles flared up something awful and I still needed to walk home. I basically limped on my bad foot, which it didn’t like so my ankle flared in protest. I was screwed.

Luckily, I didn’t have to wait long for the bus to come. I walked to the convenience store to buy a Powerball ticket and a scratch ticket. I lost on the scratch. I hope the powerball numbers come through. It’s low numbers so I am not sure. There hasn’t been a Massachusetts winner in a long time so I am not hopeful. But in order to win, you have to play so I am taking a $2 chance.

I came home and medicated. I told my mother about my friend and how he used to tell one line jokes. He was a sweet man. He isn’t suffering anymore and he can be with his friends to tell his corny jokes.

Memorial Day 2017

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Memorial Day 2017

Today is the day we remember service members that have died in the line of duty. It’s a solemn day. People would be BBQ-ing if the weather was nicer. It’s really damp and rainy. But the weather was better in the morning for parades and stuff. If you are a veteran reading my blog, I salute you and thank you for your service!

I woke up around 4 and wrote a blog because I couldn’t go back to sleep after my bladder woke me up. Around six, I decided to have breakfast. I thought about making coffee but I wanted to go back to sleep. I slept for about five hours, waking up around 1230. I didn’t want to get out of bed but my bladder was not having it. I made coffee then. I had a shit load of messages on my phone. A friend sent me a message via Facebook. She was supportive of my blog that I wrote this morning. I thanked her for her kind words. She gave me her number in case I needed someone to talk to. She also invited me to spend the day with her one day.

My wonderful niece was able to find butterscotch pudding for me. I might make my butterbeer pudding cookies later. I am not in the mood right now to do much of anything. I made hot dogs because I was hungry. I also watched an inning of the baseball game. I didn’t feel like watching it after I finished eating so I am listening to it in my room as I write my blog.

I am feeling pretty crappy. My ankle and foot are sore. But my backache is better. It was really bothering me last night because of today’s rain. It’s also very cold. I really don’t want to do anything but lay in bed today. I might make the cookies tomorrow. I haven’t quite decided what I am going to do tomorrow as in the evening I need to go to a wake. A friend of mine died last week. He was a good man and I want to pay my respects to him. I need to iron one of my dress shirts. I might do that later tonight or tomorrow morning. The house is cold so I just want to stay under the covers.

I hate that my pain is making me miserable today. I took my meds but it hasn’t been too helpful. It knocked the pain down a little bit but hasn’t made it go away, though my pain never really goes away unless I take a high dose of my strong pain meds. I am trying not to take the strong meds as it’s just wrecking havoc with my intestines. I am still trying to figure out a system where I can go every day but nothing has helped so far.

Red Sox are playing the White Sox and currently lead them 4-3 in the 7th. I hope they win today but the relief pitcher has just given up a triple and a double. Now the game is tied. Fuck! I’m going to take a nap before this gets worse!

don’t call me daughter 4

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide, suicide attempt

Don’t call me daughter 4

My family had dinner at my house. We had lasagna that my mother made. It was going good. Then after dinner we just sat around chatting. That when someone said something about my haircut and my mother shrieked and said I was hideous. She couldn’t stand to look at me. And she kept calling me a her. That triggered my suicidal tendencies.

I felt like coming out as most of the family was around. I knew I would have the support of my sisters. But I couldn’t bring myself to do it because I felt like I would just leave and never come back. I would have grabbed my lethal bottle of pills along with my other pills so I don’t throw them up and make it to my suicide spot to have it over and done with.

I still am feeling hurt hours later. I felt like talking to my sister but I know she would just say that I should just “let it go”. How can I when you own mother tells you to your face you are hideous because of your military haircut? I get no support from her at all. This just seals the icing on the cake.

I so badly wanted to correct my sister and mother when they were calling me “she” and “her”. I felt so hurt. The pain was so indescribable that I could feel it and not feel it at the same time. I was just shocked because she said it in front of my sisters, my brother in law, and my nephew. I don’t remember if my little niece was there or not. My mother actually shivered in disgust as she talked about how hideous I looked with my haircut.

I love my haircut and I think I will continue to get this cut every time I go to the barber, if I don’t end up killing myself within the next week or so. I have never felt so ashamed to be my mother’s child as I did last night. I am her first born and to be treated this way, just kills me inside.

My physical pain has taken on it’s life on its own. I have had severe pain the last three days. It starts in my foot and then travels to my ankle. I am getting more and more reliant on my strong pain pill, which is just causing havoc with my bowels. And when you have a nerve injury, things don’t move the way they should anyway. Constipation makes it worse. I have been having to push so much that at times I feel like I am going to pass out. It fucking sucks. It’s only putting more nails in my coffin.

If the weather wasn’t supposed to be so shitty today, I would attempt to end my life. I had emailed my psychiatrist that I wished I was never born. I also posted it on social media and I got the typical “you shouldn’t say that”. Why the fuck not?? It’s my fucking life. You don’t know what I have been through. You don’t know the hell my mother is putting me through. Would it be better if I just died by suicide?? I think it would be. I am tired of living anyway. I have nothing worth living for. I am disabled and there is nothing I can do to change that. I can no longer work or even go to school, mostly because I don’t make the money to go. It’s hard to come up with or save $1200 for one college class on disability. It makes me sad that my dream of just even getting my bachelor’s degree is stuck. Looking back, I should have gone to UMB to get my degree rather than an Associate’s. But what is done is done.

Sunday Blog 29

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 29

My mother woke me up as she needed help opening some cans of tomatoes for the sauce she was going to make. I opened one can and it splatted on me. Later I learned that it also splattered on the ceiling, which my mother was not happy about. I just laughed because our ceiling is pretty high so it must have been a very high splat! I tried getting it off with a long pole my mother had but couldn’t get the right amount of effort to take it off as it had dried. I’m hoping my brother in law can take it off.

I made coffee and had some meatballs that my mother made. I also had some chicken breast deli meat and cheese that I bought yesterday as I drank my coffee. I didn’t realize that the deli guy had given me a half pound of meat. I don’t think I am going to eat all that. I had wanted just a quarter of a pound. It’s good so I will try and eat a little every day until it’s gone.

I came upstairs with the rest of my coffee and pondered on what to do. I felt like reading but didn’t know what. I decided to read the book about Maya the bee that my friend had given me. It’s a cute little story. I read three chapters. I will read more later.

My mother is making lasagna for supper. She must have used like 8 cans of tomatoes for the sauce so she needs to use it up. She put a lot of meat in it. There are meatballs, sausages, and pork ribs. I don’t know if there are other types. Those are the ones that I saw on the counter yesterday.

I bought new music over the past few days. I just bought individual songs rather than albums. One song, “wanna be your song” has been in my head all day so now I have it on repeat. There is just something about it that makes me want to listen to it again and again.

A friend in Canada sent me a private message on Facebook. We have been friends for some time now and she is going through a difficult period right now as her EBV (Epstein-Barr Virus) has resurfaced and is making her quite ill. She needed someone to talk to so she called me through Facebook. We talked for a couple hours until she felt sleepy. She is just feeling really depressed because her illness is making her feel like crap and she is sleepy all the time as well as dizzy. She asked me about how does therapy work and I explained it as best I could. I think she would benefit from CBT and told her so. I hope she looks into it and finds a therapist.

Sox lost. They ended their six game win streak, their longest of the season. Porcello (pitcher) got no run support, at all. Can’t win games without scoring.