Category: mood disorders

Medication Troubles

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Medication troubles

I don’t know why I am having so much trouble filling my medication, particularly the medication I need to prevent me from losing my shit. My pdoc sent the trilafon to the mail order company instead of Walgreens. That’s all well and good if I wasn’t running low on my pills. So I had to call her back and tell her to call in a script to Walgreens to cover me. I thought there wouldn’t be a problem as the lady from my insurance said they would cover the pills at the retail pharmacy.

So I wait, patiently as I could, for Walgreens to process the order. There is an insurance delay. I call and find out they will not fill the script until July 14th! WTF! It’s $22 for 14 pills so rather than get stressed out, I told the pharmacist to fill it, that I will just pay the out of pocket cost. It’s kind of not what I was expecting but I think I will have enough cash to cover me until I get paid next. Least I hope so.

I get a call from my doctor’s office saying that my strong pain pill prescription was ready to be picked up. I am going to go early so in case there is a problem, it will be settled tomorrow rather than Tuesday as Monday is a holiday. I really need this medication for break through pain that can’t be controlled by my regular pain pills. I only asked for 15 pills because that is what my former PCP always gave me. The last script lasted a year so I think I will be fine. I don’t use it that often anyways.

If the pharmacy gives me a hard time, I swear I am going to start going to another pharmacy. I can’t stand the stress of dealing with pharmacists that think they know better than my doctors.

A little update in the mood department:

I felt a little better when I got my trilafon. But now I am starting to feel bad again. I got a little headache that is affecting my vision. I think it’s the beginning of a migraine. Either that or I need new glasses. Fireworks have started in my area and they have been freaking me out. I don’t like loud noises at all. I have been listening to music the past few hours. My phone needed an update so I couldn’t play my playlist but I was able to play Pandora on the Kindle Fire. Thank god because I really needed music to keep the voices at bay. I haven’t taken a trilafon yet because my lip is hurting really bad. It’s wicked chapped and with all the sneezes I sneezed today, I cracked it open. I bought some stuff at Walgreens to help it but it takes time to heal. I hope it feels better tomorrow.

TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

TG Issues, on being suicidal, and being psychotic

Because I took the senna last night, even though I had loose stool yesterday, I have been going to the bathroom most of the day. And I have been finding that my menses have returned for whatever reason. I am beyond pissed because I stopped the pill earlier this month because of bleeding. It’s the middle of the week so I can’t stop it, again, until Sunday. It’s only minor bleeding but still, it bothers me because it shouldn’t be happening. I am also wondering if this has played a part in me feeling super suicidal yesterday morning. I still feel suicidal but not to the degree I was yesterday. I was even ranting about being suicidal last night on Twitter.

I called my pdoc this afternoon to check in with her. I also needed some more trilafon. So far, it hasn’t been called in. It will be the only reason for me to go back out again today. I had gone to Starbucks for iced coffee, which didn’t help my bowel situation, but I wanted the cold brew coffee. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. I also got my burgers for lunch and dinner.

I told my pdoc that the voices are still kicking around but the trilafon is keeping them from getting worse. I really hope there isn’t a problem with the pharmacy like the last time or I am going to flip out. If anything, I need this medication to help keep me stable. It’s the only medication I am willing to take at this point. If I don’t get it, I will have to go in the hospital and that could get messy, especially with me bleeding. I HATE going into the hospital with feminine products while trying to be transgender. It’s just humiliation. I don’t know how long the bleed is going to last. I am really surprised I got it twice in the same month because I have been careful to try and keep it on schedule, give or take a half hour or so. I think there was one day where I took it really late because I took a nap. Other than that I have been keeping to a time table.

My therapist called. She is trying to see if we can have a session today but it doesn’t look likely, unless someone cancels. I told her flat out I was still suicidal. I don’t know if the hormones are playing a factor but she wants me to consider going to the Boston LGBTQ clinic. I have been hesitant to do so because I am not ready to go forth with my transition. Yesterday I got my birth certificate so at the end of July, I will be changing my name. I think once I get my name changed on every document, I might go with hormone treatment. Until then, it’s just waiting out the damn suicidal periods that come with being something I am not.

Last night or the night before I was reading my blogs. I found out that the voices have been active since January. They are active all the time but for me to make note of them being especially noisy is a cause of concern because a couple days later is when I marked when my depression started. This means the voices have been going on longer than I thought, which is why I am so psychotic and paranoid. Granted the events of what happened in Orlando and Istanbul haven’t helped ease my paranoia but it’s starting to look like I might need a hospitalization sooner rather than later. I just don’t want all the voices to go away because then I will feel lonely and sad. I really don’t feel that messed up. It’s only when they want me to take more pills that things get out of hand. But the trilafon keeps those voices at bay. I don’t see my psychiatrist until next Friday. I wish I was seeing her tomorrow. I might page her again, if I feel like talking.

rough therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Rough therapy session

I had a rough therapy session where all we did was talk about my suicidal feelings and the blog that I wrote yesterday. I also told her about getting a call from my psychiatrist. She doesn’t want me emailing her about my psychosis and I am to page her from now on. My therapist wanted me in the hospital but I don’t want to go. I really just want to die and be left alone to do it. We talked about that. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I seriously don’t want to get doped up. I have been taking the trilafon as needed. I will page my doc tomorrow to get more as I only have four left. It’s not going to enough to get me through the weekend.

My therapist also wants me to toss the means I have or to give it to someone I trust. I don’t trust anyone so that will leave the dumping to me. She wants me to text her when I have done it. I am struggling with this big time because this screws up my plan. I may never have an opportunity like this again. And I will kick myself for getting rid of these means. It doesn’t mean I won’t have other means available, but what I have is considerably less lethal. I am also scared that if I go to the hospital with them knowing or me telling them the voices are telling me take all my pills, it might cause problems with my pain medication like it has in the past. Granted my PCP isn’t around anymore and I am being followed by a nurse practitioner, but still, the threat is there. I would seriously hate to have my pills restricted because of some idiot thinking I will OD on them, when I know what will kill me and what won’t. If I want to really fuck up my liver, I just need a bottle of 500 count Tylenol, handy at any pharmacy or store that sells drugs. That is more lethal than what I have in my stocks. Plus it will wreck your liver more than kills you in the process so I don’t want that.

We did some Crisis Response planning. I don’t think I will do anything other than possibly page my psychiatrist. My therapist said she is going away and she doesn’t have coverage so it’s either the psych or the ER as my options. And this is a holiday weekend so it would not be good to get admitted.

I need to somehow take a shower today. I bought a new shampoo that I hope will help with the itchy scalp. It was expensive but my rewards at Walgreens paid off so it only came to be around a buck. Now I got to start rebuilding my points. I still feel out of sorts today. I just took a trilafon to quiet the noise a little bit so I could possibly read. It’s been awfully noisy in my head the past few days that I can’t read. I have a stack of books that are waiting to be read and I can’t get through the ones I have started. I found out today that my favorite author Neil Gaiman is coming out with a new book in February. It’s about mythology. It sound very interesting. He is the only author I know that produces at least two books a year. I wish I could write like that. But then, I am not the creative genius he is. I got my AP Stylebook today. I have been waiting forever for it to see what it is like and stuff but today I don’t have the energy to thumb through it.

I really don’t have the energy to do anything today. I just want to die. I hope my heart stops beating. I just don’t want to live anymore. I feel like crap, like my soul has been sucked out of me. I still feel like I can go ahead with my plan tomorrow and no one would be the wiser. But I made a promise and I always stick to my promises.

wicked agitated and pissed off: A psychotic post

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Wicked agitated and pissed off

I emailed my psychiatrist what was running through my head. Next thing I know, she is calling me. She wants to know if I want to go to the hospital. I am like no. The voices are telling me to do things and the hospital just will dope me up. I don’t want that. She is like “so”. I got really annoyed. I told her I wasn’t going to the hospital. Next she tells me to page her from now on. I guess email is off limits to my psychosis. Great. She wants to be paged in the middle of the night, she got it. I don’t care. I don’t sleep. I haven’t been sleeping.

I got really sad this evening and I don’t know why. Then the voices started telling me to take my pills, all of them. I have been agitated and afraid to do anything. I took a trilafon and some Ativan to calm down. I told my psych that. She was happy that I took the trilafon. She doesn’t know about the Ativan because I took it after we got off the phone. I was so nervous I did something wrong. I am literally shaking inside. And the voices are just so fucking loud. I had to shut the music I was listening to off because It was confusing me.

I was on Twitter on my phone to try and distract myself but the feed was so slow. No one was tweeting fast enough for my brain. Then the words started doing their dance. I felt like calling my psychiatrist back. I am scared if I do she might tell me or force me to go to the hospital. I just need to ride out this night. I just took my meds and more Ativan. It was a compromise because I planned on taking some damn abilify to get back on fucking track.

I really thought I was keeping her posted. I didn’t think what I was saying was alarming, I really didn’t. Now I feel like an idiot. I think that is what is making me feel so agitated. I have no idea if this is making sense or not so if it’s not, I apologize. Being psychotic you think weird things. And the damn bombing in Istanbul didn’t help my delusions and paranoia. It’s feeding into me wanting to kill myself. I feel like I have to but I can’t let anyone know. I just need to work out a plan but it involves walking and I can’t fucking walk so WTF am I going to do. I just need some time to work out this plan. It will work this time, I hope anyways.

Sox are finally winning a game. PoorFellow is still sucky but he is keeping the score on the winning side of things. Got to give him an A for trying.

So much anxiety. So much tension. So many voices. They are all telling me to keep taking pills. I am very psychotic, more psychotic than I have ever been before and I am scared. If I tell anyone, a professional, I will be hospitalized. I don’t want to go back to the hospital. They just want to give me more pills than what I take. It’s been three weeks that I have been off the abilify. Maybe I should go back on it. I don’t know. I am scared to ask my psychiatrist. I am hoping the meds I took tonight will knock me out. I can’t read because words are dancing on the page. I will write in my journal for a little bit. The Ativan and trilafon should be enough to make me sleepy. Shit, now I am feeling really anxious. This isn’t like me to be anxious but I am so scared of the voices. They are really angry and I don’t know why. They are arguing with themselves. This is what I live with on a daily basis, since stopping the abilify.

Being in pain wasn’t helpful. They wanted me to cut my foot off but I didn’t. I haven’t taken any pain meds since I came home. I don’t think I will need any before bed time. I don’t know if the mix of all these drugs will be. Maybe I won’t take my pain meds, unless I am really hurting, but I don’t want my pain level to sky rocket. It’s a tough predicament I am in. Maybe I will wait till midnight. That is a few hours from now, if I am still up.

I almost feel catatonic. But I am writing so I know that I am not. I am just so scared that I might hurt myself. I don’t know if I can keep fighting the voices like this. I know the hospital will kill me. It will be a defeat. I can’t allow that to happen.