Category: mood disorders

Independence Day 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Independence Day 2016

My day started out rough. I slept really late after being up in the middle of the night. I had slept for an hour and a half and then woke up for a few hours. It was hard to get back to sleep. I am glad I slept till around 1030 as I was tired. I decided to make coffee and when I went to the kitchen, my crazy aunt was over. She was visiting my mother. She talked the whole time I drank the coffee. My ears hurt from her voice. She would get so caught up in whatever she was saying I thought she was going to cry a few times. She is such a drama queen. It took her at least a half hour to leave because she wouldn’t shut up. I had heard the story at least three times already, if not more.

After she left, I scurried back to my room. I called my sister to see what she was up to as I haven’t seen or heard from her since Saturday. She wanted me to come down as she was making potatoes. I went down and she said she was having a cookout later this afternoon. She invited a friend over. I was fidgety in my room so after a little while, I went back downstairs. My uncle and cousins were over so I went down to say hello. I got a little bit of sun as it was so hot out.

My mother came down to see her brother and then everyone left. I thought it was funny. We then had something to eat and then I had to go back to my room. I was so warm. I had a beer while we ate. My brother in law bought shady beer and it’s pretty good. I drank most of it, which I usually don’t do. I am not a beer drinker at all. But I will have one or two over the course of the summer.

Voices are flaring up today. I think my aunt and the heat just caused them to act up. The voices know I don’t like my aunt very much. She grates my nerves like nails on a chalkboard. I am feeling kind of out of it and I would take a trilafon but I just had a beer and don’t think it would mix very well. I will take it before bed though. I really need to talk to my pdoc about taking it every day. I see her on Friday. I am still debating on seeing my neurologist on Thursday. I haven’t been in as much nerve pain as I was when I made the appointment two months ago.

I have been in a low mood for most of the day. I just can’t seem to shake it. I have tried reading but my concentration hasn’t been so great. I wanted to read last night before bed but it never happened. I took a shower today and it just about wiped me out. I was so tired afterwards. And this was after I had a cup of coffee. My niece is a coffee junkie like I am and I saw her make her iced coffee this afternoon. To me, it was gross as she used instant coffee. The smell alone was gagging me. I cannot stand instant coffee. I thought it was blasphemy. But she drank it.

I really thought the Sox were going to lose today because they were down 4-0 by the 2nd inning. It wasn’t until the bottom of the 3rd they started cooking with gas. They overtook the Rangers and were beating them 5-4. The final score was 12-5. I am happy they won. We needed a win.

As today is Independence Day, I expect there to be fireworks of some sort this evening. I hate fireworks and loud noises. I hope my AC noise will drown out the sounds.

Sunday Blog 14

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 14

I didn’t do a hell of a lot today but I made breakfast. I made oatmeal pancakes with buttermilk. It was good but the pancakes fell apart easily. It was messy. I then cleaned up after myself because my mother was still in the hospital. I called her and she didn’t think she would be coming home today but she did. While I was waiting for her to come home, I watched the baseball game. It was pissing me off because every time they had a runner on first base, they kept trying to pick them off. I hate when they do this because I want to see the batter pitched to not the throw to first! It made it a long game.

When my mother came home, the Sox finally scored some runs. Seven in one inning. I was happy because they were toast yesterday afternoon. It was ridiculous. They lost 21-7. I stopped watching when the game was 13-1. Today they won 10-5. I am glad they took the series and played better ball than yesterday.

I made supper for my mother and myself. My mother is all black and blue from the fall she took the other night and from all the poking from the needles and stuff. There were only two pans left for my mother to wash. My ankle started acting up because I was standing most of the time I was cooking.

I finally read a couple chapters in Harry Potter this morning. I am making slow progress. I will read some more before bed. I really need to take a shower but I need my ankle to settle down some first. I just took a pain pill, my second of the day. Even though I have been home alone most of the day, I have been going up and down the stairs a bit. I had to take the trash and recycling out. Then my niece needed some clothing so I had to go to the first floor to get it for her. My mother needed more ice so we took some from my sister’s freezer as she has an ice maker. Then I went up to my room a few times to play on my laptop before my mother wanted cooking done. It has worn me out.

I did make coffee this morning. I made it a little bit stronger than I usually make it because I didn’t put enough water in the French press like I usually do. It was still good. I was hoping to go poop but that hasn’t happened yet and it’s been a couple of days. I am going to be hurting when I do go. I am not looking forward to it. I had some baked beans tonight with dinner so I am hoping that moves things along.

My cousin called me this morning. She wants me to come visit her to have a pool party. I forgot she has a pool. I really don’t feel like talking to her today so I will call tomorrow. I am just wiped out from doing “normal” activities. Being on my feet didn’t help. But it’s not like you can cook sitting down.

Last night I was reading some old blogs. Seems my depression started sometime in September and just got worse in January through April. I also talked about the voices so they have been active for quite some time, even while on the abilify. I am glad I have this blog to monitor my symptoms because I don’t always remember what I write or when the beginning of something is. I had a few flashbacks this weekend of my father’s death and of his downfall. I was reading some of my posts back in March of this year. I mostly talked about him being mean to me, which he always was. He thought he was being funny. I guess the recurrence of the cancer and him not responding to the radiation treatments caused him to deteriorate. I just can’t believe it happened so quickly.

I think I am able to write the story now without it being traumatic for me. Most of the PTSD symptoms have calmed down. I know I was just triggered by going to the floor that my father was in and walking by the room. He spent almost 10 days on that floor where my mother was.

If I really want to make a dent in the books that I bought the last few months, I really need to get reading. My pile keeps getting higher and higher instead of smaller. I keep looking at the pile and it’s starting to overwhelm me. I had started an Excel sheet of the books that I read and how long it took me to read it. It’s mostly a spreadsheet of when I started a book and when I finished it. Since my father’s death, I have only finished two books. I have a challenge going on in GoodReads.com and my goal is to read 40 books in a year. I am not even at the 10 book mark and it’s July. I have the time to read; it’s just that sometimes I just don’t have the concentration because of my illness. I don’t carry a book to Starbucks anymore because I never read there. I just write in my journal. I don’t even write in general anymore while I am there. If I have a plan, which is rare, I usually carry it out. But lately, I just want my iced coffee, write in my journal for an hour, and then go home. I haven’t brought the psychology book that I bought a few months ago to Starbucks in weeks. Maybe I will try that this week.

Saturday Blog 55

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 55

I just watched Italy lose in penalty kicks in the soccer game. Germany beat us. I am disappointed.

I slept somewhat normally and woke up at a normal hour. It was weird because my mother isn’t home. Last night she had another hypoglycemic episode that landed her in the hospital. She will be kept for one more night as her sugars are still not stable to be home. We don’t know what happened and she doesn’t remember anything other than her sugar being low and eating yogurt to bring it back up. I heard a thump last night and she fell off the toilet. It was really scary. I think it traumatized my sister more than it did me. My sister was trying to get her to drink juice and take the glucose but she was not really responding. Then when they gave her IV glucose, her sugar was up high but she still wasn’t responding. She didn’t wake up till around fifteen minutes later in the ambulance as we were taking her to the hospital. That is a long time to be out of it.

I am glad I wasn’t in the hospital because my mother would be dead. No one would find my mother until morning and only god knows what state she would have been in, especially with the heat that we are having.

I wanted to email my psychiatrist to let her know but didn’t feel like it. I see her Friday so will let her know then. I am still going to keep taking the trilafon as it is helping me right now. I usually take it before my night meds so the voices don’t know anything different. I have to sneak it. Once I am a bit more stable, I will take it more frequently, if I need to.

I wasn’t hungry for much of the day until I came home from visiting my mother in the hospital. Then the hungry horrors started. I had bought a sandwich so I ate that. Then I had a bag of microwave popcorn while I was watching the soccer game. I got the munchies while watching the overtime, so had some Oreos. I need to make the last hamburger patty I have in the fridge before it goes bad. That will be my dinner later.

Mood wise, I have been up and down. It was hard seeing my mother because she was on the same floor as my father a month before he died. I visited the lab where I used to work and there were only three people that I knew. One of them asked about my father as she knew he had been sick. I told her the sad news. She was wondering why I didn’t post it on Facebook and I told her the reasons why. However, I did post the obituary notice so she must have missed it. Another friend was asking me if I was on Twitter. I had to laugh because I am on Twitter all the time. I post almost every hour, if not every half hour, especially when I watch sports. Then it’s every play usually, lol.

I didn’t have coffee today though I really wanted one badly. My sister took us to the hospital this morning and dropped us off. I guess she couldn’t be on the same floor as my father either. I know she is still grieving.

I still have my stupid menses. I thought they were almost gone but when I came home last night, it was still there. I am so pissed off. I always know when it’s around 1830 because I get really drowsy for some reason. I have to fight it because if I do take a nap, I will be up all night. That’s not to say that if I fight it, I still won’t be up all night. I have been up all night or most of it because I just can’t sleep, even after taking my night time meds.

It’s like almost 80 degrees out and my feet are fucking freezing. I can never understand why in warm weather, with my feet under the blankets, my feet get cold. I have to put on thermal socks to warm them up. My mother thinks it’s because of the AC but not really as I have them protected by being UNDER the blankets. I just don’t get it.

Just another reason

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

I didn’t take my trilafon last night so I have been hearing voices the past couple of hours. We have been having a grand conversation about things, most about what I should or shouldn’t do. I woke up later than I wanted to because I woke up in the middle of the night and couldn’t go back to sleep right away. I wish I had woken up just ten minutes sooner and I would have been able to catch the ten o’clock bus like I wanted to. But I didn’t so I had to wait an hour for the next bus to the Square. I got a large coffee, my favorite summer drink is the cold brew iced coffee at Starbucks with vanilla sweet cream. It’s so good. I had it with extra cream today and it was sweet. I am going to be so sad when they discontinue it. Any thing that I love, they discontinue. I am sure it is just for the summer and then it will be gone.

After I got my coffee, I left to go to my PCP’s office to get my prescription. It was really hot out as I was walking outside to get to the building where she is located. I was expecting the AC to be on freezing but it wasn’t. It was cool though. I got my script and then left to go home to get it filled. This would make my third or fourth trip to Walgreens this week. I waited for my meds and then came home. The mail lady was sitting in her truck so didn’t deliver the mail yet. She is so damn slow.

My ankle started hurting me on the walk home. I didn’t bring my cane with me and I wish I had. Damn foot just didn’t want to flex so I was somewhat lifting it or dragging it as I was walking the last leg of the way home. I took some pain medication soon as I got undressed and into my PJs. I am going to try and watch a movie today to keep from being on my feet. I don’t know if I will be successful as I am not that interested in a movie at the moment. I might read some. I am making progress in Brothers Karamazov, but I still have a few more books to go. I had no idea how religious the book is. It kind of reminds me when I was going to the Catholic church when I was younger. I never really read the bible unless there was some purpose in reading it, like say for a class project or something. I have tried to read the New Testament but could never get into it. I remember for my Russian class, we had to read a passage in the bible. Luckily, my niece had one. I also downloaded it on my Kindle app for my tablet. Unfortunately, you have to start from the beginning. You can’t go to sections that you want to read on it, which kind of stinks. Maybe with the Kindle Fire I can maneuver around more, if I choose to read it. I am staying away from all types of religion for now because it doesn’t help the delusions that I am having.

Mood wise, I have been all over the place. I have been feeling ok to feeling really depressed. I am still suicidal at times. I just hate being in pain. I just want to die so I don’t have to be anymore. The voices are making it tough to think straight. They are still wanting me to take most of my pills by the bottle. It’s a difficult fight. I know that I should probably be in the hospital but I just can’t bring myself to go in. I know I will be doped up and I don’t want that. Or they might restart the abilify and I don’t want to take that drug anymore. I know it helps quiet the voices. But I just can’t go back to taking it. I fear my life would be in more danger than it is battling myself. It’s been three weeks since I have been off this medication. I take the trilafon almost every other day, but not consistently. It helps keep things low key. I just need some time to sort things out for myself. I know it is dangerous and my therapist and psychiatrist are concerned about me and my safety. But they trust me, even if my judgement is impaired right now. I am still in control. I go to the hospital and things are out of my control. I won’t be able to take my pain meds when I want to take them. I will have to deal with feminine products because my fucking biology is messed up for whatever reason. I hate being in the hospital dealing with menses. I rather wait it out some more days to see if it goes away on its own. Otherwise I will stop the pill and see what happens. I should contact my repro endo doc and see if she has any ideas as to why I am fucking bleeding twice this month. Just another reason for me to kill myself.