Category: mood disorders

fricken cold for end of April

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Fricken cold for end of April

It has been freezing today with cold wind and rain. I wanted to pick up my meds but they still aren’t ready and the wait time for the phone was ridiculous. Soon as you were the next caller they hung up on you. So rude. I am so unhappy with this pharmacy. It has been a wreck since it was taken over by another chain. It had gotten better for a while but now regular staff is not there and I have no idea why they aren’t picking up the damn phones. Just aggravating to then stand in line and be told to wait three fricken hours.

I had therapy today but it was frustrating. Therapist wanted me to talk about how I was feeling but I wasn’t feeling anything and not much for talking. I hate morning appointments because I am not awake enough to be in a mood. I think I am going to have to start writing some stuff down to talk about because I keep on being blank. I took a three hour nap afterwards that I am still tired from. I just cannot get going today. I wanted to shower but it is so fricken cold I don’t feel like it. Tomorrow supposed to rain, too. Fricken sucks. I hope my prescription is ready or I will be pissed. I will have to go twice to the pharmacy to get it squared away. I am almost done with my current script so I need it filled like today. I am so aggravated that this is taking so damn long.

I wish I was more talkative during therapy but there wasn’t things I wanted to discuss. She tried getting me to talk about my feelings but it was hard as I wasn’t feeling them at the time. We talked about ways of coping with the feelings when they came up. I said I would write or color and she wanted something more but I didn’t have any ideas. I should have said music as that is my go to when I am upset. I have been playing a lot of Mary Chapin to calm down. It is just soothing music. I can’t wait till her new album comes out. I am not sure when it will given the present circumstances. This virus is taking a toll on every thing. I am feeling so cooped up and want to go out to go to Starbucks but I can’t because I don’t even know if they are open. I wouldn’t want to take public transportation now anyway. The city I live in just called for mandatory masks when out in public. I think that is a good idea. It will be a $300 fine if you don’t have one. Yikes! I am glad my sister gave me one because I misplaced the one I had. I had bought a few that are washable. I think they are coming from China so I probably won’t get them till next month.

I got a new book today called Untamed. I am not sure what it is about but I heard it was good. I plan on reading it after I finish the Neil Gaiman book that I am reading, whenever that is. I haven’t been good with reading lately. I have the time but I mostly just end up on social media and my time flies. If I don’t make the time to read, I don’t. The book that I am reading is getting weird so I am not sure I want to continue with it. I love Gaiman but his book are creepy at times. The images he conjures up are sometimes startling. I never forgot reading American Gods and how a woman god was turned into hamburger by being run over repeatedly. Freaky and I read this book like 3 years ago.

I should shower and shave. I might do that tomorrow. It is supposed to be a little warmer. But it is going to be a wet week. UGH. I know we need the rain but sucks the weather being cold. Just glad it isn’t snowing.

6 feet apart

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

6 feet apart

This song is by Luke Combs, one of my favorite new artists. He seems to capture the mood perfectly with this beautiful song in these times. Thought I would share it with you all.

I haven’t done much today. I have been resting and started a new book, well, an old book that I am rereading as I never finished it. It is called the Anatomy of Melancholy by Robert Burton. It is a classic text. It is old English and has a lot of Latin in it that is sometimes translated and sometimes now, which is annoying. I hate when people use Latin thinking people know it when they don’t. Drives me crazy.

Weather is cold and wet. Had to close my window as temps in my room dropped below 60 degrees and rain started to come through the window. Hated to close it but it was damn cold. Now it is a little warmer in my room but not too warm. Temps are just above 60. I had to put on thermal socks because my damn foot got really cold. With the steroids, I haven’t been in too much pain. I have one more day of being on them and then I know pain will be back. Shame that they can’t be used as a treatment for CRPS. It really helps calm down things.

My mother made dinner and that has been the second thing I had to eat today. My appetite has been low despite the meds. I am surprised I don’t have the hungry horrors. Back has been bothering me all day and I’ve just been feeling low. I am kind of nervous as to what the MRI will show. I hope I don’t have to have surgery again. That will really suck. I really want to keep PT at home as that has been helping me the most. I haven’t done the home exercises because I get around okay but it is good to have someone do them with me while they are here.

I am glad I have this blog to write my thoughts down. Sometimes it is a good thing and other times it can be bad, the thoughts I mean. I haven’t been in a dark, dark mood in a while. If I have it hasn’t been for long, thank goodness. I still get depressed but not suicidal. It is weird not being suicidal. I am grateful I am not but man, this is so new to me, after spending a year or more with constant suicidal thoughts. It was so overwhelming I thought I was going crazy at times. I don’t know what changed this. But I am glad it has changed. I didn’t think it would. Guess that shows that no matter how low you feel, you don’t feel that way forever, even if it feels like forever. Just takes some blessed time. I think I was suicidal for at least two years or so. Since my surgery, I haven’t been as depressed or suicidal. The voices have been quiet. I just been hearing my “normal” voices, the ones I hear nearly every day. I am on a high dose of paliperidone (Invega) now because I was hearing musical hallucinations. My psychopharm is aggressive with the voices. She has been from the get go. She also is aggressive with my depression. I find it a weird change as my psych was so conservative with meds. We would always be on the lowest dose possible to achieve effectiveness but there really wasn’t any scale or something we would go by. Just seemed like I had to wing things a lot. With the new psychopharm, I don’t have to wing it. I get treated for my illness with the hope that I will feel better. It has worked so far. I started to feel better after my suicide attempt in December. Weird how that played out. I still asked my treaters to ask about my suicidal stuff because of the one medication that I find lethal to me. They haven’t asked about it in weeks since my surgery and I haven’t felt suicidal so I haven’t brought it up. I probably won’t, given the circumstances. I really don’t want another hospitalization this year or ever after the last one. It was such a bad place to be in when you are so depressed and want to die but they won’t let you. I am not sure how the units will be now with the virus. I hear that they haven’t done social distancing or any other practice since it kind of negates wellness. I am sure it is hard to do when in an inpatient setting. But I am not feeling that down to think about hospitals right now. Hopefully I won’t have to go in any time soon.

I have my appointment with my therapist tomorrow morning and I hope that I can get up early to make coffee or tea. I need to wake up for the meeting because lately I have been so sleepy. I then go back to sleep afterwards. It just wears me out. But then a lot of stuff wears me out these days. I hate it. Just going up the stairs winds me every time. It is getting better though. I am not so winded unless I do both sets of stairs within a few minutes of each other. Then I am really winded. I need to go to the pharmacy tomorrow so if my meds are ready after the appointment I will pick them up. They are supposed to be ready tomorrow. The pharmacy has been a little screwy the past few days. I don’t know if it has been because of new staff or what but they have been slow as molasses getting things done. I had to wait for a three hours for meds one day because they screwed up the original order. They processed it under the wrong medication! I was not happy and complained about it because they should fucking read what the damn thing says. Makes me so angry. There is a difference between IR and ER. And it is in black and white so there shouldn’t be a mistake.

Wind is howling. I hope it doesn’t snow tonight. We certainly don’t need it!

Saturday Blog 25042020

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Saturday Blog 25042020

My sister was going off on my mother this morning. I have no idea what the argument was about or if she was yelling just so my mother could hear her. She started attacking my gender identity as she call me “whatever the fuck I am”. I was so damn hurt. I still am hurt by this attack. I texted my therapist and she was supportive. She said that she was ignorant. I told her I felt like dying. It is always going to be a trigger for me when someone attacks my identity. I feel like I just have the back of my baby sister and my “kids”.

I had my MRI today. It went well. I was so damn hot in the machine. It was a newer machine so made things really hot. I was sweating. The heat felt good on my back though. Until I got a muscle cramp in the middle of my back. That was not pleasant. I find out the results of the MRI Wed when I see my surgeon. By seeing, I mean over the computer. I got my sister to take a pic of my scar so I could send it to my surgeon. He wanted to look at it the other day but I wasn’t able to position the camera so he could take a look.

Monday I see my therapist the same way. I kind of am glad I don’t have to leave the house to make these appointments and it is kind of good because there is no way I can travel by T right now. I am just not up for it. I nearly collapsed at the pharmacy the other day while picking up my meds. I really thought my legs were going to give out on me. They were shaking so bad. I was so fatigued. I knew I wouldn’t be able to do outpatient things. My therapist was telling me that right now I am not doing any of those things so not to worry about it. I do worry because I don’t want to be in the house all the damn time with the psycho sister of mine. I still am dying for an espresso latte of some sort. And a haircut! I am not sure how the barber is going to cut my hair from now on but there has to be a way.

I saw my psych last night. It was so good seeing her. We talked about things and I am so lucky to have her as my psych even if she doesn’t prescribe meds for me anymore. It is kind of weird seeing her just to see her though. I am still grateful for the opportunity. I really miss her. I think she misses me as well. We have known each other for so long that it is hard to separate ourselves. I have been in contact with her a few times a week, just giving her updates on how things are going. I can’t seem to break that habit.

Waves of Depression

by Midnight Demon, posted in blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of Depression

Been having waves of severe depression the past few days. They last about an hour or so and while feeling it, I think the world is ending. Things just seem so hopeless and bleak. I don’t want to do anything but sit on my bed and stare at a wall. I can’t concentrate on Twitter or FB. Lately Twitter hasn’t been holding my interest. I scroll and read some stuff but mostly just scroll without even reading, esp if there is a thread in the tweet. I just can’t be bothered to read someone’s opinion on something for like 10+ tweets.

Today was a pisser of a day. My sister helped me change my sheets. It took her 10 minutes to change them and I was in awe because it takes me at least a half hour. Then she decided to clear an area of my room that was an eye sore. So she cleared that. I went grocery shopping and while I was out of the house, she tore up my fucking rug in that area because she didn’t want the dust to waste vacuum bags. I am fucking livid right now. She wants my room the way she wants it, not how I want it. So fuck you she isn’t allowed in my room anymore. I don’t give a fuck. My therapist wanted me to practice radical acceptance but today, nope. Not happening. I am too fucking angry to practice that shit.

Because my sister was cleaning this area of my room, she had piled stuff on my bed so I couldn’t rest properly after food shopping. I had to lay on the couch with the TV blaring. I didn’t sleep. I did rest though which is what my back needed. My back had started to spasm like it did yesterday and I wasn’t able to control the spasms. It took some serious down time to make the pain stop. I wanted a nap so bad but I never got the chance to sleep. I think it is because I had strong coffee at 1230. I just been going since then. Even now that it is after 8 pm I am still not feeling tired even though I should be.

This morning when I woke up at 2 am I had headaches. I sent a message to my surgeon about them and he got back to me today saying he wants to see me. I see him tomorrow morning via zoom. I am glad he wants to see me because these stupid headaches have been debilitating. I hate waking up with them. I don’t know if it is a CSF leak or what but I want him to be aware of what is happening in case it is.

I just ordered some face coverings that I thought were being shipped from the US. Nope. China. So I won’t get this until a month or so from now. Just lovely. IF I had known, I wouldn’t have bought it. I will check on amazon next time.