Category: suicide

Painsomnia Begins

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia begins

I haven’t tried going to sleep yet but my ankle is already flaring up so I doubt I will sleep in the next few hours anyway. My groceries came. They didn’t have all my powerade that I ordered. That was fine. I have enough to carry me through till the next month. It’s not summer anymore so I shouldn’t be going through it like I was. I finagled the fridge to accommodate the juice and my mother finagled the freezer to fit my tater tots. I had to make a few trips up and down the stairs because the guy forgot to deliver the water and for some reason, wouldn’t shut the doors. That part annoys me because the least they can do is shut them on their way out.

This cold is really kicking my ass, so you would think that I would be sleeping. I had to use some Flonase to keep my nasal passages open and to possibly help the running nose. I also took some Vitamin D to help my immunity with this respiratory virus. I really don’t want it in my lungs. Bronchitis sucks when you have a bad back.

My sister made a turkey soup with the left over turkey meat. It was really good. It was the only sustenance I have had all day, other than pudding pie. Tomorrow, I am going to work on the custard pie and eat my cranberry cake with coffee. Who needs real food with all these yummy desserts? I forgot to delete the cranberries from my grocery list so now I need a recipe for muffins or cake or something to do with them. I love my Nantucket cake but there is only so much love and I am the only one that eats it so I need to find something else to do with the cranberries. I put the bag in the freezer for now. I still have half a bag left from the cake I made. Too much cranberries.

I’ve had a mild headache for most of the day. I took some ibuprofen to quiet it down but it’s still there. I hope it’s not a prelude to a fever coming on. I really hate being sick with a virus that I just have to wait till it passes its course. It’s just so annoying because there is nothing to ease it really.

The pain in my foot and ankle is just gnawing at me. My defenses are down because of this cold and this pain is just pushing me to the limit of my patience. Not what I need when I am in a suicidal state of mind. This week is going to be hard. It will be the only week that I have to really end my life before the holidays. I will feel like a wimp if I don’t try. I am tired of fighting this battle day in and day out. It’s more than just fatigue and exhaustion. It’s downright depletion of everything that I have in me. Just a few more days to try my experiment and see if I can leave this world.

Painsomnia continues

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia continues

The three bones in my foot are throbbing up a storm right now. I just took some more pain meds to try and ease it. I might have to take a strong pain pill but we’ll see. Because of pain and the possibility I am getting a cold, I can’t sleep. My throat hurts and my nose is stuffy, two things I hate more than anything but it’s more tolerable than coughing my brains out. I took some extra vitamin D to boost my immunity. I hope it works.

As I was waiting for my night meds to knock me out, I decided to read for a little bit. I read two chapters. Then it got really hot in my room so I went downstairs to see if my mother turned down the heat before going to bed. I had turned it up because it got really cold in my room. My heating system knows only two settings, freezing cold or blazing hot. My mother had turned it down before going to bed but I turned it down a little more. I think it’s going to be like this throughout the winter, which sucks. I am just glad I have a ceiling fan. I would have turned on the fan but with me getting possibly sick, I didn’t want to.

I had emailed my psychiatrist a blog and in the email, I asked if it was okay for me to page her on Friday. I haven’t heard back but I am going to page her tomorrow anyways. I was going to send her a blog but I really want to talk to her. I feel like I should at least voice my concerns I have about taking a bottle of pills. It’s getting more and more likely that I will act on it and I don’t know what to do about it. I found out that likelihood of it killing me is not really going to happen. I need a LOT more pills than what I have and it would take me months to accumulate that many pills. But it might do some damage to me or at least put me in a coma for a while.

I’m going to try and go to sleep again. My throat is on fire so I am not sure how successful I will be. It stinks being physically sick when you are already in pain. I am just so damn worn down, I am surprised it took this long for me to catch something. What ever it is, I hope it goes quickly.

Thanksgiving Eve 2016

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Thanksgiving Eve 2016

I didn’t sleep well again, last night. I woke up before 0330. My check had come in so I bought my groceries and paid some bills. I had to get the groceries before 0400. That is when the computer system is shutdown for 4 hours and I wanted to get a Friday slot. If it wasn’t so early in the morning, I might have baked. I decided to wait until my mother left the house later in the morning. I went back to sleep around 0500 or so. I slept till 0800 and made coffee and breakfast.

While drinking coffee, I waited till my mother left the house before going back to the kitchen. After she left, I made the cake and cleaned up afterwards. My ankle was sore but I didn’t care. I knew I would rest a few hours as I had therapy and then I could go out to get my haircut and espresso.

Therapy was fun. We had transference and counter-transference going on throughout the session. I told her about the blog I wrote yesterday and she wanted to read it. I tried to get out of next week and that wasn’t going to happen. She wanted to do the SSF and I was against it. I told her the only way I would allow it is if she got trained, which she refuses to do. So fuck you to it. She has a brilliant suicide prevention tool at her fingertips that is so damn easy to use and yet refuses to learn how to. I don’t have the patience to teach her. She only cares about two points of the assessment and the rest is laid to waste. No, sorry, I can’t and won’t fill out the damn forms if you aren’t going to use the tool correctly. It’s a waste of paper. I won’t even give her the new forms because it’s just going to sit in a file to collect dust.

It really pisses me off that I go about finding this stuff to help ME out of the darkness and yet it’s all for nothing. I give up trying to bring in new material to her because she is so stubborn in her damn ways to see another avenue that might help not only me, but her other clients as well. I can’t be the only person in her practice who has thought of suicide. Maybe it will take my death for her to learn these things. I don’t know. I’m out of straws and I didn’t draw the short one or the long one.

I really wanted to tell her that I am struggling with my plan and that the bottle of pills I plan on using is getting dangerously close to me using whenever the fuckits hit. I keep picturing myself taking the bottle, not caring that tomorrow is a holiday. I keep telling myself just a few more days but then I think of my psychiatrist and the trust she has in me. It wouldn’t be right to end it and not call her first. But then if I call her, I am scared she will say hospital, whether I want to go or not. I had ample time to tell my therapist these things but I just felt it wasn’t worth talking about because of HER anxiety issues. I swear she needs some Xanax or Ativan but it’s hard to slip her one through the phone. It’s even harder to have these conversations when she just becomes a rambling lunatic after I say the words suicidal plan. So once again, I am left to deal with this shit on my own, like I always have for the past 30 some odd years. I have to laugh when they say “you’re not alone” with depression or when you are suicidal. But the fact of the matter is you truly are, in the heat of the moment, no matter where you are or what time it hits you.

After therapy, I struggled with the damn cover to cover my cake. I bought a disposable pan with a lid. I thought the lid would fit, isn’t that why they sent the damn lid? I tried this way and that and it wouldn’t fucking fit. My mother finally was able to get it to go on. By the time I was finished finagling the sucker, it was time to get dressed and catch the bus. I decided to get my haircut first. There was one person ahead of me so I had to wait. I didn’t mind waiting. This was a good barber that I feel comfortable with. We were talking while he was cutting and next thing I know it’s close to 1600. I was there for more than an hour and I still didn’t get my espresso. I had some time before the next bus so decided to get it. There was hardly any seats so I just got my drink and left to wait for the next bus. I was waiting for my mother to call me any minute asking what was for dinner but she didn’t call until I was close to home. She didn’t say anything about dinner and just asked if I could help her clean the kitchen. I knew I should have gone to the pizza place for two slices. Now I had to order food.

I ordered a burrito and something else. What that something was I have no idea. It was a fried chicken finger in a fried something and didn’t taste good. The burrito was good except it didn’t have sour cream and guacamole like I ordered. After I ate, I helped my mother with the kitchen. I washed stuff and dried them. Then my ankle was really starting to act up so I took a shower before it exploded. I didn’t finish washing the pans. I need to take another pain pill and relax a bit before doing that. By the sounds of the kitchen, it looks like my mother is doing the last three pans I left. So I can just relax now while my ankle explodes.

another aggravating therapy session

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Another aggravating therapy session

I sent my therapist the blog I wrote last night. She called it the “Russian Roulette” plan, which I guess it is. She asked what went on with my psychiatrist’s appointment and I told her we talked about my suicidality. Then out of fucking no where, she starts saying it’s good that she knows about negative symptoms, that I feel nothing, etc. I just told her to shut up. That isn’t what we talked about and I just sent/wrote that blog last night. I have no idea if my psychiatrist has read it, yet. But my stupid therapist likes to conjure up these scenarios in her head about what goes on in my life no matter if they are true or not.

I got so damn frustrated that I told her I didn’t want to talk with her today. I had a crappy sleep, woke up early, and have been in pain most of the day. She then asks if anything exciting has gone on in my life. Are you fucking kidding me? She obviously didn’t want to deal with my suicidality. And frankly, I was glad because I don’t want to deal with it either.

We talked about the holiday for a little bit. I told her I would be making my cranberry cake. I didn’t tell her I planned on making it today, if I found the energy. I might make it later this afternoon. She asked if I felt any grief and I said no. Then she asked about dreams. She was fishing for anything to talk about. She wanted to know if I was coming out to see her next week. I told her no because I can’t afford it. I need to get Christmas gifts for my family. Not really expensive things but just a little something.