Category: transgender

Transition day 60

by Midnight Demon, posted in transgender

Hi all,

With me feeling ill, I forgot to do a blog. If you want to follow me on Instagram, I am @midnightdemon7. I sometimes forget to post here as I do no want my pic on my blog.

My leg hair is thicker and less straggly. It is more uniform. With my mood stabilizer being decreased, I am having more energy so that has been good. I still have lost feminine features in my face. No facial hair growth but my side burns are longer and thicker. My eyebrows are as well. My barber noticed when i got my haircut the other day.

I haven’t hadn’t anymore voice changes. I seem to sound the same to me. I have been shaving my moustache to have it come in thicker and darker I hope.

The muscles have been fine since my last post. I had my shot a few days ago. It is getting easier to do. Guess that is all for now.

Lots of things and crashing after

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mood disorders, psychache, transgender

Lots of things and crashing after

I woke up around 5 for some reason that I don’t remember now. I think I was in pain as I remember taking a pain med. I was hoping this was not going to cause me to be in bed all day as I really wanted to change my sheets. I fell back to sleep and hoped for the best.

I woke up with my med alarm blaring. I felt okay. I definitely needed coffee. I was hungry. That was the first time in three weeks I woke feeling hungry. Maybe my sodium was back up. I still feel better but kind of sluggish. I went downstairs after stripping the bed and then used the bathroom. I made breakfast and coffee. My mother wanted a cup so I made her one as well. I found this transgender article and was totally confused by it because it is not how I felt. But I decided to leave it where it was so I could read it later. After I ate, I put the throw in the dryer and then the blanket in the washer. I just had the sheets to do.

I went back upstairs to find my sheets. Before I put them on, I duct taped the corners of the top of my mattress so the damn foam topper wouldn’t go anywhere. I hoped anyway. My back was giving me grief. I had taken a shower before I got upstairs. I had shaved, too. I was sweating by the time I wrestled with the sheets. I was trying to even out the top sheet I didn’t bother to tuck it in. Then I got the comforter and the pillowcase. I put the comforter on and the pillowcase on the pillow. I couldn’t find the extra pillow case for the pillow that goes between my knees. I said fuck it. My back was killing me, I was wiped out, I felt like I was going to pass out and I did. I slept for three fricken hours. I guess the sodium isn’t as high as it should be. I know it is getting there as I am kind of feeling better. The big test is that I am getting my groceries tomorrow. If I survive that without sleeping for the day, I guess I am doing better. If I sleep all day, then I am still fatigued from the low sodium.

I read this article https://www.nytimes.com/2018/11/24/opinion/sunday/vaginoplasty-transgender-medicine.html. And it was a MTF. I honestly have not come across too many trans that feel this way. I certainly have never felt this way but I am not going to have phalloplasty. It is a complex surgery and I just do not want to go through with it. I just want to be flat chested and grow a beard. The things raised in this article scare me because I don’t ever want my hormones to be in jeopardy. I know that losing my breasts has to be dealt with. I have thought about it so many times. I mean, I am sort of attached to them. I wish they never were formed so I didn’t feel that way but now that they are sort of shrinking slowly, I am glad. It was a huge part of my dysphoria to have breasts when I didn’t want them. I know eventually, I will have to have top surgery and getting a good surgeon is key because I have heard horror surgeries where the surgeon doesn’t care and just does a bad job. Granted this was just in the UK, but I am hoping to find one in the Boston area that is considerate and doesn’t cause nerve damage or anything. That is further down the road as I am not there yet. I don’t know if I can talk about this with my therapist or not. He doesn’t seem to know a lot about transgender and I am kind of pissed because on the website I found him at, said that he did. I am not sure if I will have to find another therapist to deal with the dysphoria or not.

This female is having doubts about getting surgery to have a vagina implanted. I don’t understand why she would go through something like that if it is going to cause her more emotional pain than what she is already in. And I still cannot believe a surgeon would do it when there are doubts. I am not saying my transition has made me bone fide happy, but it has relieved a lot of the tension I was feeling not going through the transition and having to wait so much from the LGBT clinic and then I met my doctor and she is all like when do you want to start. Like seriously, in one visit, I am on hormones. I understand the LGBT taking things slow and working things out but I have known the last ten fricken years, maybe more than that, that I am NOT a fucking female. I am a fucking male. I hate getting misgendered! It really drives me crazy and Microsoft doesn’t recognize misgendered. How fucking lovely.

I have my shot this week. I am excited because I get to do the selfies and post a little bit about changes. Honestly, other than thicker leg hair, there hasn’t been much since last week. I keep getting complimented on the facial changes but I don’t see them week to week. Sure from day 1 to now I do but I think if I lose weight, it will be more prominent. I think I have lost some weight since I haven’t been eating regularly with the whole sodium thing. I really have just been sleeping a heck of a lot.

I see my psychiatrist this week. I am glad because I miss seeing her. I hate these monthly meetings but she is always a page or email away if I really need her. I don’t know what they are going to do about my mood stabilizer. I see my pcp Wed to get my blood redrawn to check levels. Then go from there. I really hate that I have to taper my drug but I don’t know if it is just to taper to a lower dose or off the medication entirely. And I am starting to feel that woozy feeling again, which means I am going to crash soon. I am over a 1,000 words. So I guess that is good for the day. God I can’t wait till this is resolved!

Transition day 42

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, transgender

This is really day 43 but close enough.

I noticed I have lapsed on my weekly writing. Sorry about that. Not much changes. I have some voice changes, sideburns are thicker. Mustache is darker. Facial changes still coming. I am losing my feminine looks. I just need to lose 40 pounds. No idea how to do that. I like my take out, pizza, and burgers with fries. It will be hard to give those up. I also love bread and pasta, though with the low sodium levels, I really haven’t eaten yet have gained weight. I am thinking it must be muscle mass increase as my legs have been sore and lately so have my arms and upper body. I would love to go to a gym and build muscle but no clue how. I think I can do it at home, starting slow like lifting tomato cans and the like. My PT had told me about that. Better than buying weights.

I am excited about the voice changes but it is leaving me with a sore and irritated throat some days. I bought some cough drops to help. My sister gave me some sugar free ones. I like them because I don’t get a sugary feel on my teeth once it dissolves. Unfortunately the kind I bought has sugar in them. The store was out of the sugar free kind, probably because I was looking for them.

I was shaving my little stubble and got my first nic. I bought some nic sticks so i could stop the bleeding. Damn thing bled so bad i had to put a bandage on. I didn’t care as it was night time and I didn’t have to go out.

Other than thicker sideburns, I haven’t noticed elsewhere of hair growth or thickening. No more facial hair other than my moustache. I had shaved it off and man, I didn’t think it was going to grow back!

I still don’t have a lot of energy but think that is because of the blood levels of sodium being low. Sucks being tired all the time, well, more so than I usually am.

I got my flu shot last week. She did a good job. I didn’t even feel it. I was kind of sore but only if I touched it. Thank god I haven’t felt sick like I have in the past. I have been real careful to wash my hands when I come home when I go out. I really don’t want to catch anything. My friend in Texas got a nasty bug. High fevers and shit. She is feeling better now that she got some meds. I care for her a lot. She is a good support for me during my down moods. I haven’t really been in a down mood in a while. I did have some suicidal thoughts when I was in a nasty flare last weekend but it passed. I still am dealing with pain but nothing more than usual, probably because I am resting/sleeping more than usual. I made a recipe Saturday and was completely wiped out afterwards. I slept for 4.5 hours! So unlike me!

Well I guess that is all. Hopefully there are more changes in the next week or so. I had the shot yesterday so fingers crossed for more changes. Until next time…be kind

Another blog by phone

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, medical, mental illness, mood disorders, physical pain, transgender

I am still feeling crappy. Yesterday in was so exhausted after seeing the doc, I slept, had dinner, took my meds. And pretty much slept through the night. I woke up once to pee and take a horrible selfie. I felt like taking the shot of T then but i was too tired to be that coordinated. I had to wake up early to check to see if my niece went to school on time. I got mad at my phone for waking me up, snoozed, got mad again, and never got up. I woke up a half hour later and went downstairs. She wasn’t home so that was good. It is freezing out. I went back to my room and fell back to sleep.

I got up around an hour ago. I had messages, one was a provider letter. I read that but it was just for my urine test results. I still haven’t heard anything about my blood results so I sent a message. My sodium is down again, lower than it ever has been. No wonder I feel so crummy. My psych said to reduce my water intake (I am not reducing coffee!!) This is hard because I kind of am thirsty since she said it. I’ve just been taking sips with my meds. Figures not eating and drinking would knock it down. I asked her if we could lower the oxcarb by 300 mg and she agreed. I feel a little better today but still feel so tired. I was supposed to meet up with my barber to get my baking dish but I couldn’t be bothered. I am just too tired. I will get it next week.

So I guess I am to just sleep until my medical doc figures out what to do with me. The rest is helping my plantar fasciitis. Heel was hurting so bad last night from all the walking I did. I didn’t ice it just rolled a tennis ball under my foot while waiting for dinner to be ready. It really helps reduce the pain. I have been doing the app thing for my foot. My scores are better but not 100 %, dammit lol. The OT wants it above 80%, which they have been so that is good. I see them tomorrow. I haven’t done the stretching because I’ve been in a flare. Even yesterday while on the way home felt like my sneaker was going to rip the top of my foot apart. It was fun going around the house with two feet hurting so bad. Yikes!! I’ve been doing the heat stuff so hope she isn’t going to be a bitch. I also been doing the heel lift she wants so 2 out of 3 isn’t bad. My foot is still bothering me today. I haven’t had this bad of a flare in a while. Hope it settles down.

Last night some idiot called with a restricted number. I thought it might be the doctor’s office so answered. It was some document recovery bullshit. They had a document I had to sign and would I be available between such and such hours. I was yes-ing them to death. Bastards never came. Assholes. I get these calls at least twice a year and it is always we are taking you to court and we can’t give you the information, you need to call the 800 number. Okay. Scam bastards.

I am not sure where my blog writing is going. If I feel up to it, I will write. Otherwise I won’t. I just don’t have the energy. Oh, and today is day 42 of my transition. I will write a separate post for that, though it will be just a paragraph as not much has changed.