Ramblings 24

Took out my back today while doing little things around the house. I am in bed now. My groceries came this morning and I have been up since 7. I hate waking up early but it was an early delivery. I guess I did too much going up and down the stairs as well. I hate my ankle being weak. But on good news I stuck to my diet, pretty much, so that is a good day.

I wish mood-wise it was a good day. I have been up and down all day, sometimes on the verge of crying and still wondering why I should still be around.

I passed on information to my favorite DJ at the country music station I listened to and my name got announced on the radio. I was wicked excited! Gloriana is going to be singing the National Anthem at Gillette Stadium Sunday for the AFC Championship game. So excited to see them in New England!! My favorite DJ and I have been tweeting on and off since I signed up so it was quite a tweet to get the message as I wasn’t listening to the radio at the time! I don’t usually listen anymore unless I remember to turn on the Tune In Radio app on my tablet.

Tomorrow is supposed to be a get together for my old workplace. I would go but I am broke, having spent the last of my money on my groceries and I don’t get paid again until next week. Would have been good to go out but I hate going into a bar and being around drunk people, especially when the start of hockey season begins tomorrow night. People tend to be loud and obnoxious so I tend to avoid those places. But it was my suggestion. I might make an appearance and just have a coke or something.

Read an interesting article about suicide today that was not by someone suicidal but someone who just talked about it without it being depressing or concerning. It was someone who was sharing their thoughts about it as he knew a few people who committed it. It was on the freshly pressed version of wordpress and I think the blog was called “On Suicide”. Also read a good blog about the silence of gays. I know that I am open but you don’t hear people talk about homosexuality like you used to unless it has to do with gay marriage. I myself have never thought of being in a long term relationship with anyone so it’s a null point with me. Hell it took 10 years just to find a therapist willing to put up with me for 12. That is the longest relationship I have ever had. Strictly professional but therapy is a type of intimate relationship.

It was pretty cold today and I didn’t go out. I wanted to but I just couldn’t bring myself to get dressed. I wanted to go to the bakery to get some scali bread but didn’t. It was cold in my room and I just couldn’t get out of my warm bed to get dressed. Course my back is aching me for lugging my powerade up the stairs. I bought 20 bottles to last me for a month or so. I drink it to take my meds as I can’t take them with water as some of them dissolve quickly with water or just taste gross.

The one thing I have to say is that with TuneIn Radio I hear the same commercials at each commercial break. I wonder if it is the same with real radio?

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 25

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 25
Something you’re currently worrying about

I got many things I am worrying about, some good, some bad. I guess the biggest one right now is whether I am going to have health insurance for the rest of the year. That is something that is weighing on my mind big time.

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 24

30 Day Writing Challenge Day 24

Five words/Phrases that make you laugh:
1) Who’s on First
2) Don’t be a dick
3) I’m Italian and I can’t keep calm
4) Fitzy’s GFY
5) Boston accent impressions

it sucks being disabled

I hate what my life has become. I don’t shower regularly. I don’t brush my teeth every day like I am supposed to. I just hate being this glob of a person. I miss working though I can’t anymore because it hurts too much physically. Plus it was causing me to have severe suicidal thoughts every day, sometimes every hour. But it at least provided distraction from being miserable. I have tried to do what is right but I just don’t care any more. I have given up trying to live a life. I don’t go out anymore unless I have to. I barely make it to my psychiatrist’s appointments. I have a hard time waking up in the morning. And though it’s easier to get it out of the way in the morning, it sometimes sucks because I will have nothing else to do for the day. I write about my miserable life in hoping that someone will take solace in knowing they are not alone in what they are feeling but I feel alone because I no longer have people contact. I know I should probably join a group therapy group or something to get me out of the house but I just can’t think of it and I do nothing. I try and read but my attention span is just not there. I try and play my Facebook games but they bore me now and frustrate me. I should probably clean my room but I have no energy to get out of bed. I keep my laptop on my bed at all times because I need its accessibility for my thoughts. I journal pages and pages of things that run through my head of a day of nothingness. It really sucks being disabled.