Tag: back pain

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

It’s 72 degrees and I need a heating pad

I had decided to do my PT exercises today. I printed them out after I spent nearly a half hour trying to get the battery contrast settings to “normal”. When I somewhat “fixed” it, I then rebooted and hit F2 quickly to check what the settings were in the bios. Sure enough, they were at 0. Fucking fuck. I put it to 100%, restarted, and then changed the settings I played with. Once that was done, I put the laptop aside. I struggled with the stupid body pillow, which at this point, I want to throw out the goddamn window. But it is helping with sleeping on my side and aligning my hips while I sleep.

I then did the exercises. I was only able to do about three or four outward motion with my left. I knew I was lucky to get that much. I had no problems doing the right. Then I did the others. I tried the one standing and adjusting my posture. My back DID NOT LIKE IT! I am still hurting. My spine is aching so bad. I took some advil and I am sure the constipation I am feeling isn’t helping. I woke up late so didn’t take Miralax. I just been taking fiber pills. Taking three things for the movement of bowels is hard. It’s worse when neither works. I went a little bit last night. It was better than nothing. I was hoping to get on top of it today but sleep interfered. I woke up at 8 to take my morning meds. I should have stayed up but didn’t and I regret that decision.

So now I have a heating pad on my back because it is sore with the AC on. Hope it works other than making me hot. I finished Dostoevsky’s Brother’s Karamazov today. Figures the last chapter had nothing to do with the plot!! I am just grateful it wasn’t long. I wrote a review on Goodreads. I plan on starting Dr. Stacey Freedenthal’s “Helping the Suicidal Person”. It is supposed to be good. Maybe it will help me be a little more hopeful and get me out of this funk. I am almost 90% sure I will end my life soon, though I am playing with the dates, again.

Tomorrow will be really hot. Twenty degrees hotter than today, which also does not help my back pain. It is also going to be yucky humid. I heard one school system has closed due to the extreme heat. That isn’t good.

Sox won today. I went to update the standings in my Twitter profile. I checked the MLB standings as I couldn’t remember if I did it or not yesterday. Seems I missed the whole Seattle series. OOPS. I corrected it. I made mention of wins or losses but never changed my profile to reflect it. Oh well. It is correct now.

Today my sister said she wasn’t having a BBQ but just throwing things on the grill. HAHAHA I got my brother in law a gift for Father’s day. He liked it. I had bought it for myself but it wasn’t what I expected. I am still looking for a keychain nail clipper with a file. I had one on my last set of keys but I lost them. I still haven’t been able to find them. I know I had them because I walked in the house. What I did after that point is a mystery. I was in a lot of pain and just want to rest so things were a blur. I have been careful where I set my keys down now. I have to remember to take them as they are in the kitchen. I don’t want to leave the house without them.

This morning, my cousin’s mother in law sent me a couple of pictures of my father set in a Jesus frame. My heart shattered in a million pieces. She sent them through FB messenger. For some reason, messenger downloads the images to my phone and I quickly deleted them. I didn’t want to see them. It hurt too much. I know she didn’t mean me no harm but it was unexpected. Sometimes as I flick through my phone and see the folder that I have of my father just gets me in ways. Even in death he is torturing me.

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Think white noise machine can be marketed as a sleeping pill

Last night pain was pretty bad. I was up till around 3. It was quiet in my room so turned on the white noise machine and as usual, I was out within 20 minutes. I should know by now to turn it off when I am up in the morning but left it on. I decided to order breakfast, pancakes and Florentine eggs benedict. It was some place I never ordered before. It was way too much food. I was stuffed and I didn’t even eat the pancakes. I figured I would have them for lunch.

I went back to my room after eating and the sound of the machine made me so very sleep on top of all the food I ate. I slept most of the afternoon. I had the pancakes but wasn’t that hungry to finish them off as they were huge. I came back to my room and was sedated again. My mother called me around 4 saying dinner was ready but I didn’t answer. I didn’t want soup. I laid down for a little while and then sat up. I was so sleepy. I turned off the machine and my brain started functioning again.

My brother in law called asking me to lend my laptop to my niece so she could do her homework. When I came back to my room, I tried to put the screen in my window. Couldn’t figure out which groove it went in. I went downstairs to see where it went. Found the groove, went back upstairs, moved some more stuff in front of the window so I could get a better angle to put it in, and still no luck. My back was aching me from being in the bent position so I gave up. I asked my brother in law to put it in for me, he has longer arms than I do. I left the window a little open to get some air. I didn’t want to put on the ceiling fan as it gets too cold. I hope the screen frame isn’t too big for the window, though I seriously doubt it as the only thing that needed fixing was the clips that held the frame together. There is probably some trick I am missing. I was really hoping just sliding it in would work but it seems too big. I hope I don’t have to bring it back.

I made a deep dish pizza for supper. The oven takes forever to preheat so by the time it was read it was before the first pitch of the game. Sox are now losing by 2 runs. Hope we don’t give them 1st place. I will be really upset.

baseball torture

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Baseball torture

My favorite game in the world started almost a month ago. The start times have been finicky and now that we are playing west coast teams, the games start later. I am sure there are probably other baseball games I could watch to pass the time but I don’t subscribe to a sports bundle or MLB TV. MLB TV is just way too much money and the sucky thing is, as the season goes on, it gets cheaper. So you might pay $100 the beginning of the season and then $20 the end of the season. I don’t know if the post season is included. Probably not because it is on national tv, usually. I really want to watch the Sox all the time. I hate having to count down the hours till the games start.

I went to the grocery store today. My mother woke me up around 0830 to put her socks on. The phone was ringing but I was sleeping so had no idea why my phone was making noise. Then my mother came into my room and I figured it out. I tried to go back to sleep but it was useless so I went to the store to get a few items that I knew it would have that I am not able to get through the grocery app. I tried looking for crumpets but they didn’t have them. I am glad I can order them. I bought Irish butter to put on them. My sister got me into it. It is expensive for a little tub but so worth it. I just had some with oatmeal bread that I bought. It was pretty filling than the other bread I bought. Now I am kind of torn because the other kind has thinner slices.

My allergic reaction seems to have cleared up finally. My throat is back to normal and I don’t feel sick. I do have the damn ankle pain. My back didn’t like the morning’s adventures to the store. The weather is about 20 degrees warmer than it has been and that always wreaks havoc on my back. My spine is aching so bad. Ibuprofen seemed to help. I have been taking more of it lately. The temp is only going up and then I don’t know what it is going to do. I just know either way, I am going to hurt.

I have been trying not to think of ending my life soon. Yet I cannot fathom continuing this existence with this pain. I feel like I wasted this month because I didn’t do what I wanted to do. I still have a week to find out the information I need to find out. I have no appointments next week. Sometimes that is a good and bad thing. It’s good because I don’t have to leave the house and yet bad because I don’t have to leave the house. The weather is supposed to be nice so I may go to Starbucks Monday and maybe try to write something other than in my journal. I never made my checklist of things I need to do before I die. I guess the more I put if off, the less real it becomes. Then there are times like the other night where I just set on ending things next week, period! Fuck everything and just let me die.

My psychiatrist emailed me saying she was sorry I couldn’t make it in yesterday. She asked when would I like to come in. My first response is always never or when do you want me to come in. I might see if I can see her next week as I need a refill. I emailed her that in the beginning of the email but she didn’t do it. It’s always an email tag to get another appt and get my meds refilled.

waves of exhaustion are fun

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Waves of exhaustion are fun

I was sort of having a good sleep, once I got to sleep when my stupid med alarm woke me up. I wasn’t quite awake so shut the fricken thing off, took my BP pill, and surprisingly went back to sleep until my alarm went off. I seriously detest taking this pill twice a day. I need the alarm to remind me to take it otherwise I am just getting half the dose I need to be on and I don’t want my BP to become unstable.

I had a fairly low pain day despite having pain spikes last night and going to bed late. I don’t remember much after midnight. I didn’t want to get up but when I said five minutes, it turned into ten and I started to rush. I had gotten dressed and got my muffins ready to be taken with me, then I realized I forgot my watch and had to go back upstairs. My mother then asked for me to take the recycles down and I told her I would when I came home as I didn’t have time to put them in the bin.

I got to Starbucks and because I rush, forgot my reusable mug. I ordered a new drink. Some kind of hazelnut macchiato that was supposed to be made with coconut milk but I changed it to almond. It also had mocha drizzle. It was okay but the milk made it kind of bitter. I probably won’t be ordering it again, least not with that kind of milk. I had a sandwich as I was to rushed to eat at home. I brought my Kindle hoping to read for a bit but I was so tired that reading was out of the question. I wrote in my journal for a bit before I caught the train into Boston.

I was early for my psych appt. I got really sleepy while waiting. My appt time came and I was still waiting. I thought I was going to fall asleep before my doc called me. I was so tired. I guess three shots in the macchiato was not enough. My doc finally called me and we chatted. She asked what was up with me and like I emailed her all week, I haven’t been sleeping due to pain. She asked where I stood with my PCP and pain doc and I said I haven’t heard anything in three weeks. So she emailed them asking them for a conference or something. My doc doesn’t play around. I love her for that. She did talk to the LGBT doc but was worried that without adequate pain control, she wasn’t sure how the hormones were going to affect me. I didn’t care. I already made up my mind about things. I told her I was suicidal and once I found a place to terminate, I was probably going to go through with my plan. I didn’t tell her about the other stuff. There was no point. I told her I wasn’t sure I want to start hormones as it all depended on what happened this month and left it at that. She didn’t press me for info. I started feeling weepy, like I have all week and said so. I asked her if we could increase the Zoloft as I am not a cryer. She said it could be hormones. I don’t care what the hell it is. I don’t want to be in the middle of my commute somewhere and have a meltdown over nothing. I told her 75 mg of Zoloft should be okay. So she refilled my script for that amount.

I left and was just so tired, I felt like crying again. It had started snowing and then sleeting when I got to the train station. I still want to go to the grocery store to get eggs. Even though we had like 6 dozen last week, we are down to like one. My mother baked and I used at least a dozen with my baking and cooking. We go through a lot of eggs. But the bus home came before the bus to the grocery store so I just went home. I stopped at Walgreens before home. The snow was coming down heavier and the wind was making it really cold. I couldn’t wait to get home. Before leaving the store, I bought some Reese’s peanut butter cups and M&Ms peanut because I wanted them. I didn’t even eat them when I got home. I made a frozen dinner and then went up to my room to change. It was cold in my room. I put my sweatshirt on and got under the fleece blanket. I still need to change my sheets but my back was hurting. My pain spiked a few times since being home. I just wanted to fucking die. My bones were aching so bad.

The one thing my psych said about the pain doc was that he wanted me to go to PT more than do anything else. I told her the stress of that. It is not going to happen with my pain levels and trying to do other stuff. I just cannot manage. The idiot also didn’t want me to wear my AFO anymore as he wanted more movement with my ankle. Since I was having a low pain day before the last block home, I was thinking maybe I should stop wearing it. I was only proved wrong as walking home my ankle crapped out on me. So screw him. He barely saw me for more than 5 minutes and didn’t even examine me. He just felt the temps on my feet. Some exam. Just pisses me off that this guy determined probably before I met him how he was going to treat me, or rather not treat me.

I plan on taking my meds early, reading 1984, and then hopefully sleep. Probably the last two aren’t going to happen but I can try…