Tag: baseball

yet another painsomnia night

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Yet another Painsomnia night

I didn’t go to sleep till 5 am this morning. I was up all night in pain. My damn foot and ankle were having a contest as to who was going to hurt me more. Around maybe 4 I decided to put on the ace brace and noticed my foot was really puffy looking, probably why it was hurting so bad. I then decided to have some crumpets because I was hungry. I then tried to sleep.

I didn’t sleep, maybe 4 hours. Then I was a hungry maniac. I had more crumpets, waffles and then some chips with dip. I had two glasses of mango orange juice and a cup of tea. I was hoping the tea would keep me up but nope. I went up to my room and slept for a few more hours. I woke up because I had to pee really bad. I went to the bathroom and it was like I could not stop peeing, at all. It just kept flowing. After like 10 minutes, it stopped. I went again about a half hour later. My bladder hurts so bad from the strain. I have no idea what is going on. I have no idea if my pain meds or the baclofen I have been taking is affecting my bladder or it is just my nerves going berserk. Either way I need to see a urologist but I am so scared of the testing involved. Urodynamic testing is not fun. They use a catheter and fill and empty your bladder. Then they fill it again and you need to void in front of a nurse. Last time they filled me up and I could not pee for the life of me. It was an hour or two before I was finally able to void. I was on serious pain meds at the time so they couldn’t tell if it was neurogenic bladder or retention caused by opiates. I am scared this is what is going to happen again, which is why I have been avoiding having this test done. Not to mention that I have a trauma history and it freaks me out. I had a uro that I was seeing at another hospital, but every time I set up the appointment, he got called away to an emergency. After the third time, I didn’t reschedule.

My back was doing somewhat better, until I sat down on my bed with the bunched up blankets under my butt cheek. That flared me up again. I just took some ibuprofen. Any kind of muscle thing and I am hurting for a while. I hate it. I have to be so careful the next few weeks.

My sister has been calling me a nanny because I take care of my niece while she is out. I think it’s so funny. She wants me to check on her and make sure she does her homework. I just made a cup of tea and wanted to listen to the game. Guess I will be going to watch it on her big screen TV. Being a nanny has some perks!

I hope I can sleep tonight. I really don’t want another night of horrid no sleep. I know last night was because I took my night meds late and I was sitting for more than three hours with my family. Actually, sitting more than three hours anywhere will cause me to have a flare at night. There is nothing I can do about it. Just happens.

music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Music, haircut, birthday dinner, and other things

My med alarm woke me up before 0700. I was feeling okay. I took my meds and didn’t want to go back to sleep. I went to the bathroom and as I was going down the stairs, I heard my mother cry out. I listened to see if I should run back upstairs or what. I didn’t hear anything else, so just went to the bathroom real quick and then made my way up the stairs. I went in her room and she was settling down. I asked if she was okay and she said yes, why? I told her because I heard her cry out and she said she didn’t. Okay.

Around 8 I decided to catch the bus to the square for Starbucks and maybe some writing. I also needed a haircut and to renew my T-Pass. I got my espresso and a sandwich. I was kind of thinking of what I should write. After I ate, I took out my journal and my notebook where I have been writing my story. I wrote in my journal first and kept staring at my notebook. Nothing was coming to me. I was getting frustrated. I haven’t written anything new since Feb. I didn’t know if I should write something new or continue with what I had written so far. It was agonizing. I gave up and went to the little grocery store to get some cole slaw. I wasn’t planning on getting some dip but found one that I liked. I had bought some multigrain tortilla chips but had no salsa to go with it.

I got my T-Pass and then my haircut. My regular barber wasn’t in yet so I had the other guy. He did a good job. I just caught the bus home with 30 seconds to spare. I came home and showered and I was so fricken tired but I couldn’t sleep. My sister called and asked if I wanted to go to Trader Joe’s, another grocery store chain. I said sure as I wanted to check out their stuff. I walked around and my back hated me severely. She wanted to go to another store and I told her I would wait in the car. I listened to music while I was waiting.

While I was up late last night, I ordered songs from my favorite female artists. I spent the day listening to the music. I love Mary Chapin Carpenter. I didn’t realize 12 of the 13 songs were just songs she previously recorded. I knew of at least four of them. The others not so much. I have to research to find out which album they are on. I know I don’t have her early stuff. Just stuff from 1992 on, except her only holiday album. I keep wanting to get it and never do.

I rested as much as I could as my sister invited me to go out for her husband’s birthday celebratory dinner. It was supposed to be at a restaurant I liked but they were packed so we went to another Italian restaurant. I didn’t like their food. My nieces didn’t like it either. We took it home. My mother might have it for lunch tomorrow. I had ordered steak tips and they were so plain and not cooked enough. I will cook them and eat them with A1 sauce.

As I was waiting for my brother in law to get ready, there was a baseball game playing between the Tigers and Pirates. They went into extra innings and it became funny. The Tigers manager got ejected for arguing after a replay overrule. In the video, he kept kicking the ground. I found it hysterical. The overrule caused the game to continue to the 13th inning. The Pirates won the came 13-10. It is only the 2nd game of the season, which is why it caused so much fun. Usually beginning games do not go past 9 innings but it’s always fun when there is “free baseball”. Sox won today 1-0. I am not sure who got the win as the score was nothing nothing until the 8th inning. I doubt the starting pitcher, David Price staying in that long. I will look it up later.

My back is still not 100%. My mother had moved the toaster to the kitchen table so she could make cookies. I decided to empty it of crumbs. Both collection trays were full. Then I decided to empty the toaster itself. I got half of the stuff in the trash and the rest on the floor. The sweeping caused my back to hurt, even though I didn’t bend down or anything. I kind of swept more than the area where there were crumbs so that partly is why my back got upset. I hope it doesn’t bother me tomorrow as I really want to make these muffins. I don’t know if my mother is going to be baking anything as my sister bought some desserts for Easter.

I am in a lot of pain and my depression is starting to run high. I just feel so fricken low and there is no reason. Well, sort of. Pain can be a reason, a huge one. While we were walking back to the car, my sisters and nieces were walking pretty fast and I just could not keep up, though I tried. My legs were just hurting too much. The chairs at the restaurant weren’t that comfortable and because they were busy, we had to wait for our food a long time. My ankle was screaming a few times even though I took my pain meds before leaving. I don’t think I am going to do anything tomorrow but rest. The muffins can wait. Nothing will go bad over the next few days.

my aching back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

My aching back

My lower back was really sore today. I mostly stayed in bed. I had some tea and crumpets for breakfast. I didn’t feel like having anything else. I went back to bed as there was no way I was going to be able to go out. I was too sore.

I wanted to wake up when the baseball game started. Today is Opening Day. I woke up to my phone ringing. It was my best friend calling to tell me there was an inside the park home run. Fuck and I missed it. I saw replays of it. It was awesome. The Sox were up 3-0 but would lose 6-4 in the bottom of the 8th inning. Relief pitching is going to be a problem. They had walked four batters, and the ump didn’t help as he narrowed the strike zone. I hate when umps do that.

I made some hot dogs for dinner. My back was really hurting. I put some heat on it and that didn’t help. My brother in law gave me some lidocaine patches so I have one on now. I hope it helps. I need to renew my T-pass tomorrow. I also want to get my haircut. I don’t care if I go to Starbucks tomorrow or not. Depends on how I feel. I hate feeling so crummy. I need to take a shower. Maybe I will in the morning. My Barber shop doesn’t open till 1030 or 11 tomorrow. That will be a good time for me to shower and the go to the Square.

I took my night meds so I hope to be sleeping by the time I finish my blog. I really don’t want to do anything. I am really sleepy after my nap. My sister had come up and said I didn’t have to make muffins because she bought a lot of desserts for Easter. Tough. I already bought the stuff so need to make them. If I don’t make them tomorrow, I will make them Saturday. I still need to print off the recipe. I got it from King Arthur Flour, I think. I will bring a couple to my therapist on my Monday and my barbers, too.

Last night, I was feeling really suicidal. Pain was making me crazy, between my back and my foot/ankle. I started writing in the draft blog I started a few weeks ago. I just added to it. I don’t know if I am going to publish it or not. It was kind of a revelation when I first created it.

I have decided to restart baclofen at 10 mg at night. I was getting bad cramping in my leg last night. I hope it is not because the CRPS is spreading up my leg. It was really depressing me because I have no idea who to see to talk to about it. My PCP is useless. I was going to try and make an appt with the new neuro but I didn’t feel like dealing with aggravation today. I will try tomorrow. Meds are kicking in so I will write to ya later.

Will the crushing pain ever stop?

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Will the crushing pain ever stop??

I was up all night, again, due to pain. My foot and ankle were playing a game of this part is going to hurt, then this, then that, and then repeat. ALL FUCKING NIGHT! I did what I could to control it but with pain that changes and is intermittent, it is very hard to control. Eventually the Neurontin knocked me out for a few hours. Then I was a hungry beast. I had a burrito followed by the tuna my mother made with some crackers.

I emailed my psychiatrist during the mayhem and she responded. She wanted to know what changed. I said everything is status quo with no help from the pain doc or my PCP so I am done. I am no longer going to try and get a longer acting pain med. I am going to make every damn effort to make sure that when I do die, there isn’t the financial stress of my death. So again, I played with dates and think sometime in June things will end. I just got to find a place to do it. That is a huge thing. But two months is plenty of time, right?

My foot is just being a fucking bastard today. The bones hurt so bad and feel like they are being crushed. It is a constant pain. I took my strong pain pill and an Ativan to try and take a nap but everyone decided to either call or text me at that time. I should have shut the phone off. My mother is planning on going out to the grocery store so she won’t be home for when my niece if off of school. So why you calling me? Call her mother and tell her. She isn’t going to be home either as she has a doc appt and I will be going with her.

My phone decided it was going to update the OS so wiped out all my preferences. Individual text tones are no longer an option. That sucks. It also got rid of my Star Trek ringtones. I can’t seem to get it back after I somehow disabled the sound. The whole setting option has changed. UGH. Then my music was GONE! But luckily, it was only because it wasn’t recognizing the SD card. I had to remove it then reinstall it. I also updated my now spare phone. I then realized that when I changed my niece’s contact information, the number wasn’t in my phone. I just had to call to get the number. Felt weird having to call my number to get my number, lol.

I missed the ball game today. I kind of saw a few tweets that said we scored two runs to take the lead and I don’t know what happened after that. I would have the Red Sox on mobile notifications but they don’t tell me the score during the game and if they do, they use a stupid box around the number so I have no clue what it translates to. It annoys the fuck out of me.

I just put in my refills for my meds for the month. I have four. It would have been five but I don’t have refills left on one. I will pick it up Tuesday as I know the Invega won’t be in stock until then. I was going to shower today but damn foot is a wreck. No way I am standing for 10 minutes just to aggravate the sucker. I’ll be up all night in pain again. Part of the reason my pain was so bad last night was that the barometric pressure was 30.14. Hi pressure equals a lot of pain. I am hoping to have my grocery order in tomorrow. I want to make morning glory muffins. There is a lot of good stuff in it, coconuts, carrots, apples, raisins. I haven’t had this kind of muffin in a long time. I think the coffee shop at work had them every now and then. They were so good and big. I hope my muffins are big. Usually they are small and look like a cupcake. That will be the adventure this week. I’ll try and make them before Easter so we can have dessert. I think my sister will be making a ham. Not sure what my mother is making. I thought she was going to make Pizzelles but she ended up washing clothes instead. Maybe she doesn’t have enough ingredients or something. I don’t know.