Tag: baseball

Clean Water in Cleveland

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Clean Water in Cleveland

My Sox lost to the Indians tonight. The starting pitcher gave up like 4 homeruns. It was ugly. We were able to get within a run but never quite retook the lead. I am upset because I really thought “Pretty Ricky” was going to lead us to victory. Now we have to depend on Price and Bucholz to get us through to Boston. I hope we don’t lose three in a row but it is possible if our bats don’t start flying.

I am kind of upset that I have to wait more than a month for the stupid CBT sessions to begin. This is going to torture me. Then the LTD paperwork came in for my yearly review. I have to fill it out this weekend and send it back. Oh Joy! I have so much stuff to do and I don’t want to do anything. I read some more of the Oliver Sacks book, which is quite boring. I might toss it into a fire to use when I am cold, and I am not a book burner by any means. That’s how bad this book is to me. I don’t find any of the cases interesting in the least. Why my psychiatrist recommended it, I have no clue. It’s a terribly written book. I don’t know why I bought it as I knew I would hate it.

I watched a movie tonight before the game started. I watched “For the Love of the Game”. It’s one of my favorite baseball movies.

I am officially out of my regular pain meds. I am hope that I can get to my PCP’s office tomorrow without too much pain. I will take some strong pain meds with me just in case as that is all I have at the moment. I took a shower with some severe pain and had to sit down a few times so it’s questioning my decision to make this decision out to Boston. I wish I could have someone drive me into town but there is no one and I don’t have money for a cab. This just sucks. I hope I am worrying for nothing.

Had to put the ceiling fan on because it’s hot in my room for some reason. I still have the AC in. I know the minute I take it out, the temp is going to be in the 80s again. We always have an Indian summer. I just hope the fan doesn’t cause my back to cramp up on me. Lately I have been getting spasms around my waist and they have been so painful that sometimes I can’t breathe or move. They don’t last long but they are sure uncomfortable.

Sad Day in Baseball

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, blogging

Sad Day in Baseball

I woke up and checked Twitter like I normally do. I saw that Jose Fernandez was trending. That is sometimes a good or a bad thing. Then I saw a tweet that say RIP and I had to click on the trend to find out what happened to him. He was a great young pitcher for the Marlins. Apparently there was a boating accident and he was one of three victims. I feel so bad. A few of the Sox that knew him are taking it very hard. On WEEI, they had a commercial with his voice for 5 hour Energy. I had no idea who he was until I looked him up. I usually don’t pay attention to players on teams other than the Red Sox.

Sox don’t play until 1300. It’s going to be a solemn game. The Rays were going to have a ceremony for Big Papi but he requested to cancel it in light of the accident and death of his friend. The Rays informally presented him with some gifts. Papi is retiring at the end of the season.

I watched part of the game while making my pumpkin cake. It was sad whenever they mentioned Jose. Sox are leading right now 2-1. I hope the score stays that way. My cake came out so very good. I had two slices. I don’t think I am going to eat anything the rest of the day. It’s very filling.

Baseball Game and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball Game and other things

My Sox won tonight, 2-1. It’s their 9th straight win. I am so elated, or I would be if I wasn’t in serious pain. They need 4 games to win the division, 2 to make it to the playoffs. I didn’t think they would make it this far. The season has been so rocky and up and down. No matter what, I am proud of this team. I just hope their luck continues to grow.

I went through the book, “Night Falls Fast” and while going through it to find a quote, I came across a passage that was all too familiar to me. It was/is what I deem, my suicide note. It is perfectly written to convey to those around me what I feel. I didn’t write it. It was written by another lost soul who did die by suicide.

It raining. I am hearing the rain beat against my AC and I love the sound of the patter. It’s been a long summer drought with no rain at all. We need it. The temp has also dropped to the 60s, which is probably why my pain is up.

I got an email from the Mighty. They are unable to accept my blog at this time. I don’t know if that means they will use it in the future or what but it doesn’t look like they will. I am kind of bummed. I emailed my psychiatrist with the news. I haven’t heard back from her. I haven’t texted my therapist about it. I will tell her when I see her on Tuesday. I will cheer her up when I bring her the pumpkin cake I plan on making.

This sucks that I want to go to sleep but am in so much damn pain, that it’s impossible. As it’s been a while since my last dose of pain meds, I took some of my regular pain meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I really don’t want to be up all night. I know I should read some as that will probably calm my brain down some in a way but I don’t feel like reading. I am reading the book called the “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. Before the collapse of the giant tank, there were warning signs that were ignored. There is nothing I hate more than knowing that a disaster could have been prevented in hindsight. Like in the book, “Dead Wake” the author alludes that the Germans know the whereabouts of the ship and the US knows they know but they don’t do anything about it. So 1200 people die because of this. It’s just sad.

I just thought of something. If I go out tomorrow to get the ingredients for the cake, that means that I will have to rest Sunday, when I wanted to make it then. I guess I will have to make it Monday. Planning to do things when you have chronic pain is such a bitch, especially when that pain involves you standing and walking. Unreal. I really hate my life. I wish Cauda Equina Syndrome never entered my life for the second time. I was doing really well before I got hit again with it. I was working two jobs, close to forty hours between the two. Then all hell broke loose. I still don’t know what caused my L2-L3 disc to herniate so bad that it crushed my nerves. It’s a mystery.

Times like this, I think about my date and the relief that I will have once I kill myself. The sad part is, I have a ways to go to walk to my destination and I am not sure I can do it if my ankle is not cooperating. I could take a cab to my destination. That I have thought about. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I will be sad, well sadder than I already am. It’s not anytime soon so no one get their panties in a twist. I just like to fantasize about killing myself because it brings me some relief. It lessens the burden of my pain and the weight on my chest.

Random 662

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I have taken all the pain meds that I can tonight and although I have some relief, I am not 100%. I have decided that if I am not in as much pain tomorrow and can walk, I will go to Chipotle and get a burrito. Lately, the burrito has become my comfort food. I don’t know how this happened but it has. I suppose I could have worse things in life.

I was able to have some Oreos and milk tonight. I really wanted to have it as I kind of didn’t have dinner tonight. I had some cereal for my breakfast when I got up around 1 and then I had a tuna sandwich about an hour or two later. Then I fell asleep and had weird dreams. I don’t remember them but one of them was about Stargate SG1. That was getting to be a fun dream before I woke up because my crazy fucking cousin kept calling me. He wanted to talk. I told him I was sleeping and he thought I was at Starbucks. Idiot. I was supposed to call him later tonight but I forgot. I will call him tomorrow.

I have therapy tomorrow or should I say, later today. Actually, it’s in 12 hours from now. I can’t really sleep because music is playing in my head. The music keep shuffling the different songs. It is annoying the crap out of me because I really want to sleep. I have already taken my trilafon, but it doesn’t help with the music running through my head. Nothing helps it.

Sox won tonight. They keep on talking about the “magic” number being 9 but I don’t know what that means. I don’t know if that means they will win the division or be secured in the playoffs or what. There aren’t that many games left in September so I’m guessing it’s to secure the AL East division or clinch the playoff birth.

My therapist doesn’t know about my CBT plans yet. I will tell her if it goes through. Right now my plans to kill myself are still on the table. I can’t let it go because it is what I feel I have to do. The thoughts are slowly fading so it’s not so pressing that I need to go through with it. But I like keeping that option open just in case. I just hope my therapy with my therapist doesn’t interfere with the CBT process. That will just suck. I can’t imagine that it will though because it’s a specific form of therapy and it’s different than what my therapist practices. I just hope it’s not more than once a week because that will be a lot of therapy.

I’m falling asleep so I guess the meds are kicking in right now. Peace.