another day of being depressed

Another day of being depressed

I woke up early for my doctor’s appointment. I had my coffee and then it was time to leave. The appointment went well. The doc saw no discharge and said that there is just a little opening left to heal. I am healing up pretty good. I should have used the bathroom before leaving but I just wanted to get home. I stopped at the CVS to get some water because I was thirsty. I don’t know if that played any effect but when I came home, I lost control of bladder. The urge was just so damn strong and I have been dealing with it since then. I cathed after I void and there is a lot of residual urine so I am not emptying my bladder when I void.

I asked the doc if taking out the uterus and the shift in hormone would play a part in the depression I have been feeling. She said it is unlikely but will send a note to my psychiatrist. I was so depressed today that moving was very difficult. I just felt like I was walking in mud. My legs felt so damn heavy. I came home and had something to eat then took a nap. I was in bed most of the afternoon.

I ordered Chipotle for dinner. It has been on my mind for most of the day. I wanted to bring my book with me but I forgot it. I almost forgot my bag with the caths in them. I wasn’t rushed to leave this morning I was just forgetful because I was sleepy. I had a good night sleep but this depression is taking away so much of my energy. I sent a message to my psychiatrist about increasing the antidepressant I am on and he said it was okay but because he wasn’t the prescriber, I would have to go through my neurologist. So I sent her a message. I probably won’t hear back from her till Tues or Wed.

I got on Twitter when I logged on my laptop. I was dismayed to see another variant of the virus is out. WTF. This thing is not going to go away until more people are vaccinated. I briefly read an article about how the anti-vaccine people don’t want people to go to the ERs anymore. I stopped reading it because I knew it was just going to upset me. I read one tweet where people were into hydrogen peroxide and I am like this is just nuts. There is a safe, effective vaccine out there that is free but people are spending their money on junk to avoid it.

Today was muggy even though it was only in the 70s. There was call for rain but I missed it. It rained sometime while I was snoozing as I heard the rain beat on my AC. I hope that is all the rain we are going to have because the Sox are playing at Fenway tonight and it’s an important game. Actually the next few games are important for the wild card. If we don’t beat the Yanks, our chance for playing in the playoffs won’t be good. We are on a 7 game streak right now. I just hope I will be awake to listen to the 9th inning. I am so damn tired despite having a nap. Maybe after I eat I will feel better.

writing on a Monday

Writing on a Monday

I’ve had two cups of coffee to ward off tiredness and the second cup has finally fueled my fire! Tomorrow evening I will be going to a webinar about writing as a caretaker. I hope this helps with some of the frustration I get with my mother and her chronic health issues, particularly her diabetes and chronic pain. The person leading the webinar is a renowned writer at the Massachusetts General Hosp. I have known her for years, by name only so this will be a treat to finally meet her. I took out my portfolio and was glad to find that one of my favorite pens was inside. That will be excellent writing material.

My appointment with my therapist is less than 3 hours from now. I am kind of nervous about going as I am in a bitchy mood. I want to text my therapist to tell her this but last time it didn’t go well and I got more angry and annoyed. It has only been a week since I last saw her but it feels like ages.

I just emptied my bladder and I am having pain. I don’t understand why. I wasn’t that full. I was just emptying my first cup of coffee. I will be emptying my second in a couple hours. I also need to brush my teeth. I bought Listerine so I can try and get rid of this canker in the back of my mouth. I know salt and water would probably work but it makes me gag so I rather use mouthwash.

I am finally out of the haze the flu shot put me under. Past few days have been rough with me sleeping all day. Today I am feeling a little more alert. I didn’t sleep well. I woke up at 6 and gave up as I was just resting my eyes and not really snoozing or sleeping. I had woke up to pee around 4 and just couldn’t get back to sleep. I probably will take a nap after therapy. I usually do.

I wore underwear and a pad last night. So far, pad is clean. No discharge, which is awesome. I am waiting for the nurse to call as she said she would check in with me. I hope it is before my appointment with my therapist. She also wants to call to see how my wound is. I think it is better as it has closed up. I have a band aid on it right now to keep it clean.

I am going to try and keep myself hydrated today. I have been really bad about that the past few days because I was sleeping on most of the day. I have to clear the recycles that have been accumulating on my bed and empty my bedside trash. Sox are off tonight. They have eleven games left in the season. They have a chance of playing in the wild card if they continue to win games. I already am feeling nervous about these final games. Going to need Ativan for listening to them.

Sunday Blog 12092021

Sunday Blog 12092021

I’ve had a lazy day today. I woke up in the middle of the night to pee and struggled getting back to sleep. I woke back up around 5 but for some reason I didn’t get up. I just turned over and went back to sleep. I got up at seven to have coffee and drain my bladder. I have been on a four hour schedule and it has been going pretty well so far. I have been drinking a lot because I want my veins to be good for tomorrow’s MRI. I have been having abdominal pain all day despite being good on emptying my bladder. I used a hot pack that the hospital gave me post op. It helped a little bit. I have been taking ibuprofen and Tylenol. I don’t want to take the BT med if I don’t have to.

My neighbor had a BBQ and my brother in law brought over some food. I had some pork and a potato that was very good. I love potatoes and this was like a double baked/grilled thing. It was so good. I had made a fluffernutter for dinner so I am glad I had some protein so I won’t be hungry later.

I am still having yellow discharge so I sent a message to my surgeon about it. I don’t know if this is normal or if I still have an infection. I just hope I don’t have to call because I never get anyone on the damn phone. I always get someone’s voicemail. So annoying. I haven’t been wearing boxers, just female underwear and a pad. I hope I don’t have to see the surgeon again after she said see you in four weeks. That will suck. But I don’t want this to turn into something bad either.

I shaved my head and face today. I trimmed the goatee to a stubble and then shaved around it. I also trimmed my mustache because the hairs were making my nose itch. I can forget about a thick mustache. It would be too itchy for me.

I set my alarm for 0700 tomorrow morning so I will be up in time to have coffee and breakfast before my MRI appointment. I am kind of nervous. I have to remember to take with me my meds so that I can lie on the table comfortably. Otherwise I get up and I can’t really move for a few minutes because my back hurts a lot. I just got to remember to bring water with me. I just put the meds in a travel pill box and put it in my bag so I don’t forget. Trick is going to be to remember the water. I always forget it when I leave the house.

I have ten dollars left on my T pass. I will have to put more money on it when I get paid next. Tomorrow should be my last travel day unless I need to go to the square for something. I do need to get cheese for my mother. I might get some burgers, too as I will be at the butchers. Oh and some steak! It will have to be Tuesday when I go because Monday I have therapy after my MRI and I don’t have time to shop. I need to catch the bus home. I think if I time it right, I might have therapy on my front porch. It will be a good day to sit outside some and have some fresh air. No one will bother me as it is pretty quiet.

I can’t believe how much pain I am in right now. I don’t know if it is my bowels or just the surgical area. I haven’t moved my bowels since Friday. I have been taking the Miralax but that isn’t always reliable. I didn’t take it today because I don’t want to be shitting tomorrow at unknown times. I used to be able to go in the morning soon after I wake up but that hasn’t been the case lately. I also don’t know if the pain is because of the discharge or not. I sent a message to my surgeon today to ask about it. I figure if they check the messages first thing in the morning my message will be right there for them to see. I messaged my psychiatrist but I haven’t heard back from him so I sent the same message again. I don’t see him till Oct, which really sucks. I am approaching eight weeks that I have been on Pristiq. I haven’t noticed any change with my mood. My pain has been less but that is usually the case after I have surgery. I think I have had only two flares during my recovery so far. Right now my ankle and foot is calm. Pain is like a 2 as it is throbbing just a little bit. But the nerve pain in my thigh has been horrendous. That is still ongoing. I am glad I got an MRI this quickly. I just hope I don’t have to see my neurosurgeon again. That will suck big time. I don’t really want another back surgery.

I took my meds a little while ago. I think taking them might help with the pain a little bit. I just took some BT meds because I am so uncomfortable. I hope the discharge is just leftover from the infection I had and not something new. I really don’t want to be on antibiotics again, especially that flagyl I was taking. It was horrible. I had to take it fast before it melted in my mouth with the bitterness. Yucko.

Red Sox got beat by the White Sox today in the ninth inning. I am so disappointed. We are tied for the wild card. It is our only chance of making it to the post season. We are playing Seattle next. These will be west coast games which means late starting times. I might just have to check the scores in the morning because I am not going to stay up till 2 am listening to the game.

Sunday Blog 05092021

Sunday blog 05092021

I woke up in the middle of the night. I had to pee and I was hungry. There were no delivery places with delivery people so I couldn’t order McDs on UberEats. I had a bowl of cereal instead. My mother was in the bathroom when I went to the kitchen. She said she knew I was going to come down. I usually do at 2 in the morning. I slept till my med alarm went off. I shut it and then went back to sleep to dream about writing a paper and having it perfect for the professor. In the mean time I was painting with a machine in people’s houses for $20. So fucking weird.

Everyone missed me at the wedding. I missed them too. I wish I had the confidence to cath in public but with me still having a chest and facial hair, I feel awkward using either a male or female bathroom. I just don’t feel like I fit. And I have to be in a stall so I can take my pants down to cath. It was kind of good I didn’t go because I was in a lot of pain last night. It was hard to get comfortable. I tried laying down and being on the computer but that meant I either had to type with one hand or not at all.

I had my coffee when I got up around 1. I had some mandarin oranges and the combination has upset my stomach. After I had my coffee, I took a walk to the pharmacy to pick up my meds. My mother wanted sweet n low but they no longer sell it. I bought her a case of it but it is not the packets, just a box of the sugar. I told her to get a bowl. I don’t understand why she can’t do that. It is better for the environment. I came home exhausted. I checked the score of the game and the Sox are down by 3 runs. It is a bullpen game as the starting pitcher was placed on the Covid IL list today. I am not sure if he tested positive or if he was ill. That makes nine players on the Covid IL. I am not too worried about the game as there is plenty of baseball left to play and they have comeback from behind before. Long as the bullpen doesn’t totally collapse we should be ok.

Only appointment I need to go out for this week is for dermatology. I got some moles that need looking at. I haven’t decided if I am going to go by T or not. I would have to take the shuttle to the building because it is kind of a walk from the station. In my younger days I could handle it but not these days. I just can’t walk that far anymore. Sucks.

I need to take some Miralax soon. It has been a few days since I last pooped. I hate getting backed up because it causes me to strain and it hurts right now with me recovering from surgery. I won’t be in the clear for another 4-6 weeks. It is another thing I need to keep track of. I am so tired of keeping track of my bodily functions. There is no rest from it. I get no break. And it is all because of nerve damage due to a tethered cord and compressed nerves from discs. Makes me depressed when I think about it. I will talk about it with my therapist when I see her Tues. Hard part is she doesn’t understand most of what I go through. My former therapist at least had some empathy for me for it. I don’t get validated from her like I did the other therapist on this stuff.