Tag: bipolar disorder

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Scary Moment in the Kitchen

After the ballgame and baking, I retreated to the confines of my room to relax my ankle who was bugging me. The two slices of cake that I had were my lunch and I wasn’t up for dinner. I participated in BPD Chat and it was a good chat. Then I got hungry and didn’t know what to make. So I finally decided baked beans and a hot dog would be okay. As I went downstairs to make my dinner, my mother saw what I was wearing. A hoodie because I was cold. She said to shut the kitchen windows. I said okay, thinking nothing of it. I got my stuff for my meal and went into the kitchen.

First thing I did was shut the windows and that was when trouble started. As I reached and stretched to get at the handles, my right hip didn’t like it at all. I closed the first window without too much difficulty but the second one caused me considerable amount of pain. I stood still for a while to let it pass, thinking nothing serious had happened. My mother had emptied the silverware from the strainer thingy so I decided to put them away. No straining or stretching but my back gave out on me. I couldn’t move an inch without severe pain. I yelled for my mother, but she is deaf. I didn’t know if I could let go of the counter to reach my cell to call her. I gingerly did so.

My mother came to the kitchen and I was paralyzed in pain. She helped me to a chair and I sat for a little bit. She helped open the baked beans and got a hot dog out. I also told her to take out some burgers so I can have them for tomorrow. Meanwhile I am in the chair and wondering how I am going to even eat dinner with my back killing me. I just sat there as there was nothing else I could do, least for the next few minutes. It was scary because I didn’t know how bad this was going to be. I really wanted to see my therapist Tuesday to give her some cake, but if my back was out, I couldn’t drive. I slowly moved and was able to get a pan for the water to cook the hot dog. I was being real gingerly moving as I didn’t want another spasm of pain. By the time I finished my meal, the pain abated but I was still sore.

The temps have dropped dramatically in the last 24 hours and will continue to drop into the night as they are calling for frost conditions. My back HATES temperature fluctuations of more than 10-20 degrees or more. It will just switch to being out and there is nothing I can do about it until the temp normalizes, which, in New England, can be days to weeks. All I need to do is something small and it will go out or do nothing at all and I am laid up. I must have closed those damn kitchen windows a million times and they have never caused me pain like they did today.

sleepy but not tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, depression, mood disorders

Sleepy but not tired

I have been trying to get to sleep for the past hour and have failed. I thought it was odd that I haven’t thought of my father and that when I do, it’s always the last few hours of his life. It’s like I can’t think of anything but that time period. I guess it’s better not to think of him at all.

Last night, our CO detector’s battery is running low and starting beeping. It takes 3 AA batteries and it’s the only detector that beeps after a few months. I don’t know if it’s made like that or not but it’s annoying as all hell because every 3-4 months we are replacing batteries for it. Such a waste.

I did take a shower before bed because I got a sneeze attack. I thought if I took a shower, whatever was causing me to sneeze would be washed away. HA, yea right. Soon as I was going up the stairs to my room, I started sneezing again and again. It was awful. I then decided to use Flonase to try and see if that helped. One of my nostrils is clogged so I don’t think it will be very effective. I will have to use it the next few days to stop fricken sneezing. I hate sneezing non-stop.

A friend of mine on Facebook gave me a recipe for pumpkin pie cupcakes. So I am going to make them some time next week. It’s going to be so much fun! I love cupcakes. I will buy cream cheese frosting and that will be so awesome. You are supposed to top with whipped cream but I think frosting will be better.

I am going to buy Naan with my grocery order. It’s been so long since I had it. I remember when one of my Muslim friends gave me some. I thought it was so good. I haven’t had it since then. I think it might go good with some Biscoff spread.

Busy Saturday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Busy Saturday

I went out and got the ingredients for the pumpkin cake that I plan on making either tomorrow or Monday. My mother had sent me on her errands as well but as I was coming home from the grocery store, I realized I lost her money. I felt really bad and knew she was going to kill me. I told her what happened when I got home and she was upset and rightly so. I put in my pizza to be cooked and went upstairs to change.

My ankle was being a big brat and I have decided from now on I am going to where the AFO. It’s the only way I can think of to prevent my ankle from going out on me and me having to drag it afterwards. While I was in my PJs, I placed my hands in my pocket and found the money my mother had given me for her errands. So after I ate, I went to Walgreens to do her errand. I used the AFO and found it comfortable and my ankle didn’t hurt as much. So seems like I made the right choice.

I want to rest my ankle the rest of the day so I am not going to make the pumpkin cake even though I really want to. My mother made brownies for my aunt but she is not going to see my aunt today because her back is hurting her really bad. I had a few brownies and that seemed to have stopped my sweet tooth for now.

I need to take a shower sometime today. I don’t know when because my ankle is not happy with all the errands I did today. I might take it before bed, this way if it hurts, at least I can try and get some sleep. I didn’t make coffee today. I wanted to get things done before I became lazy.

OSU isn’t playing today. Nebraska is but I don’t have the channel it is on. I will have to keep an eye on it with Twitter. Sox don’t play until 1800 tonight. I think I will take a nap. I am kind of tired from doing all the running around.

Baseball Game and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball Game and other things

My Sox won tonight, 2-1. It’s their 9th straight win. I am so elated, or I would be if I wasn’t in serious pain. They need 4 games to win the division, 2 to make it to the playoffs. I didn’t think they would make it this far. The season has been so rocky and up and down. No matter what, I am proud of this team. I just hope their luck continues to grow.

I went through the book, “Night Falls Fast” and while going through it to find a quote, I came across a passage that was all too familiar to me. It was/is what I deem, my suicide note. It is perfectly written to convey to those around me what I feel. I didn’t write it. It was written by another lost soul who did die by suicide.

It raining. I am hearing the rain beat against my AC and I love the sound of the patter. It’s been a long summer drought with no rain at all. We need it. The temp has also dropped to the 60s, which is probably why my pain is up.

I got an email from the Mighty. They are unable to accept my blog at this time. I don’t know if that means they will use it in the future or what but it doesn’t look like they will. I am kind of bummed. I emailed my psychiatrist with the news. I haven’t heard back from her. I haven’t texted my therapist about it. I will tell her when I see her on Tuesday. I will cheer her up when I bring her the pumpkin cake I plan on making.

This sucks that I want to go to sleep but am in so much damn pain, that it’s impossible. As it’s been a while since my last dose of pain meds, I took some of my regular pain meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I really don’t want to be up all night. I know I should read some as that will probably calm my brain down some in a way but I don’t feel like reading. I am reading the book called the “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. Before the collapse of the giant tank, there were warning signs that were ignored. There is nothing I hate more than knowing that a disaster could have been prevented in hindsight. Like in the book, “Dead Wake” the author alludes that the Germans know the whereabouts of the ship and the US knows they know but they don’t do anything about it. So 1200 people die because of this. It’s just sad.

I just thought of something. If I go out tomorrow to get the ingredients for the cake, that means that I will have to rest Sunday, when I wanted to make it then. I guess I will have to make it Monday. Planning to do things when you have chronic pain is such a bitch, especially when that pain involves you standing and walking. Unreal. I really hate my life. I wish Cauda Equina Syndrome never entered my life for the second time. I was doing really well before I got hit again with it. I was working two jobs, close to forty hours between the two. Then all hell broke loose. I still don’t know what caused my L2-L3 disc to herniate so bad that it crushed my nerves. It’s a mystery.

Times like this, I think about my date and the relief that I will have once I kill myself. The sad part is, I have a ways to go to walk to my destination and I am not sure I can do it if my ankle is not cooperating. I could take a cab to my destination. That I have thought about. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I will be sad, well sadder than I already am. It’s not anytime soon so no one get their panties in a twist. I just like to fantasize about killing myself because it brings me some relief. It lessens the burden of my pain and the weight on my chest.