Tag: cauda equina syndrome

Tommy Copper Time

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

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Tommy Copper Time

My ankle was swollen and I couldn’t find my ace bandage slip-on so I put on the Tommie Copper compression thing. I hope it helps because the pain is still there despite taking all the meds I took. I spent $40 on the thing so I hope it does help the pain and swelling. This is how desperate I have become.

I was going to sleep but I am in pain and I got the damn writing itch so I apologize for all these blogs. I like to write when I am able to because I really can’t sleep unless I get the words out. It’s not that I have a lot to say it’s just that I feel the need to write.

While I was talking with my therapist today, we discussed the picture I am going to place on my new book. It’s one that I chose that is close to 20 years ago. It was take around 24 hours after my niece was born. I helped deliver her and basically cut her out of the pic and just had my mug shot. I really like the pic but having it as my profile pic on Twitter is annoying me so I need to change it to something else. I can’t stand looking at myself for too long. I just start noticing imperfections and then it just spoils the picture for me. My therapist likes the pic as she thinks I look cute. I told her it was an older pic and she said that I don’t age. I said I was about 80 pounds lighter in that photo. I also didn’t have facial hair because I was so “young”. I am not saying that I am old. I believe you are as young as you feel, regardless of your age. If you blog readers want to see my pic, just drop me a comment and I will post it in my next blog. But I must have at least 5 people minimum that want to see it.

I have been resting my foot since I came up from the stairs in agony. Only time I have been on my feet was to check out a growth in the corner of my eye and to take my night meds. I need to see my eye doctor about the growth, though I am not sure what he can do about it. I am only concerned with it because it has grown over the last few weeks. I thought it was eye crud but it hasn’t gone away. Then it looked like a zit so I tried popping it but I can’t because it’s in a weird spot. I don’t think it is a zit, but it is something. UGH.

I am feeling a little better since my last post. I talked to a friend about how I am feeling and found out she has been feeling the same. We both suffer from Cauda Equina Syndrome (CES) though she is affected on her right side while I am affected on my left. Hers was lower than mine and she only had it once. I have had it twice. I hope her pain is nothing but muscle related pain. I know mine is because I can feel the tightness. If I could just stretch the damn hip I would be so much better but I just don’t have the flexibility I once had. It sucks. I would go to physical therapy but it’s a waste of time because they always give me the same exercises that I have been doing for years. I have been doing them but it doesn’t help so why go? I just need someone to massage the area that hurts and see if that helps it. Unfortunately, I can’t reach where it hurts so me rubbing it is not ideal. Sucks.

I plan on seeing my therapist next week and I think I will stop at McDonalds to have their Big Mac. I have been craving it for a while. I haven’t had McD’s in a long time because the one in the Square closed. I thought it was odd because they just renovated the place and the next week it was done. There is only one left in my town but it’s a hike to get to, least by public transportation anyway. I miss the grease, LOL.

I gave my therapist “homework” to do. It’s not really, but it is important. It’s my LTD paperwork that needs to be filled out by my provider. She will be giving it to me next week when I see her. She is going to have a rough draft filled out so I know what she is telling them. I am glad we can collaborate on this because it’s so important to me. I need the LTD payments to supplement my SSD otherwise I am screwed financially.

I didn’t kill my therapist

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, PTSD

I didn’t kill my therapist

I had told my therapist to text me after she eats my cake but never got a text. I thought I killed her sweet tooth for good. That was until my pain shot up and I had real thoughts of ending things so I texted her our code for her to get back to me ASAP. She was at a professional engagement so couldn’t call me but we texted for a few minutes. She wanted me to go to the ER, which I declined because what were they supposed to do that my doctors couldn’t? And what ER would I go to, the medical side or the psych side? Either would be hours of waiting and I just am not up for waiting. I told my therapist I would take my meds early and hope for the best. I was crying at this point because I am so damn frustrated.

I didn’t really do anything but go up the damn stairs after going to the bathroom. Soon as I felt the pain, I snapped. I started crying and wonder what it would be like to go to my spot right now and take the pills with me. Kind of play with fire and see if I get burned. I didn’t care. Before I did get dressed and try and figure out how to even walk to my destination, I called my therapist. I am laid up but tomorrow is another day. Unfortunately, I have to talk to my therapist so I can’t be running off to my spot to end my life. Not that I could run, but you get my point.

It sucks that I didn’t talk with my therapist. I really could have used hearing her voice one more time today. Now I have to wait till tomorrow to hear it. I hate that I am crying like a baby with being in pain. I don’t know how much of it is because of sadness and how much of it is because of the frustration that I can’t do anything to help myself. I did take a sugar pill to see if it does anything. You know, in case this pain is truly in my head and not in my ankle. So far there has been no change in pain levels. But then I have taken a full dose of pain meds and Neurontin. I haven’t broken out the strong pain pill yet.

I was thinking of writing how traumatizing it is to be in pain all the time, every single day and not have a rhyme or reason. How many people go upstairs every day and not experience what I experience? I say that it is traumatizing because it makes me think of my bigger illness, cauda equina syndrome. When I was first diagnosed, I lost feeling in my lower extremity and my left leg/foot was in pain. So I associate that pain with getting CES. And since that day, because I am vulnerable to PTSD (I already was diagnosed), I keep having mini flashbacks of that terrifying time. No matter how many times I try to talk myself out of the feedback loop that this is happening again, it doesn’t seem to work until I take some Ativan to calm myself down. Then I can think a little clearer and see that it’s not happening. That I am just having a pain flare up and things are going to be okay even though I am in agony. I just need to wait till my pain meds kick in. I sometimes wish I had IV drugs to make it happen quicker because waiting up to 45 minutes is torture.

I really hate talking about trauma stuff because I am in denial that things happened the way they did. I was twenty-five when this happened to me so I really was naïve to the situation. I just thought that I needed some pain meds and some physical therapy and I would be good as new again. I had no idea how serious my condition was and it wasn’t like the doctors were all that helpful. Hell the surgeon told me I would be up in three days. Three days later, I still couldn’t move my feet or toes. It wasn’t until a week later I could move my big toe. Things came back so damn slowly. Then when I thought I was doing better I got hit with a staph infection that really knocked me off my feet again. But that is another story for another day.

When I finally saw my therapist three months later in person, she had said that I was traumatized by the surgery and what my body did to me. I didn’t want to believe her. That was 15 years ago. Now I get it. And it’s this trauma I keep experiencing every single night that is driving me whacky. I am sure my hormone levels are off kilter in some way shape or form from going through this every night. No wonder I can’t fucking sleep. I am too stressed from being stressed. I might not understand it physiologically but I know that eventually this shit is going to kill me if it’s not dealt with.

a depressing blog

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

A depressing blog

***Warning may contain suicidal ideation so if you feel like you are a fucking hero, do not read. I am writing to vent my feelings not ACT on them.***

This morning when I woke up, my hip was in awful pain. I figured it was because of the way I slept and took a pain pill. Then I went back to sleep only to wake up a few hours later to my med alarm beeping. I had to take my blood pressure medication, which I didn’t take yesterday because I woke up too late. I couldn’t miss two days in a row so I got up gingerly. My hip and ankle fought me in protest. Happy Monday to me.

I have been in a dark mood. My mood is low, only made lower because a couple of friends of mine hit the guilt button today. I made a cake and they wanted some. Problem is they are on the Cape and I am not. How I was to get them my cake was the problem. So it got eaten and they got mad. I greedily had the cake for breakfast as I made my coffee. There is one slice left, which I will have for dessert or lunch. I haven’t decided. I don’t even care if I eat real food today. I am in a rotten mood.

One of my bloggers, who I love, commented on a password protected blog. I know she means well and all but it got me angry. I wasn’t angry at her, but myself. I have failed myself, some how some way and the only way to rectify this is to end my life. Then I was going through Twitter as I am sorting through this anger I am feeling, and lo and behold a psych article is published saying placebo pills help pain when the person knowingly knows this. WTF. You mean to tell me I need to take a sugar pill for my pain? Hold the phone. I will take the last week of my birth control pills (those are sugar pills) and see if they help the intractable pain that I feel every fucking night. Fucking idiots. I wish it was that fucking simple.

This study enraged me to no end. It’s just the fuel that the idiotic DEA and senators need to stop manufacturing life saving opioid medication to those in need. Here just take a sugar pill and you will be fine. I really don’t want to be around when that shit hits the fan. This further exasperates the idea that the pain is all in your head mentality. Even as we speak my ankle is throbbing pretty darn good. It must be in my head that is making it that way after all this time. After all, there is nothing structurally wrong with my ankle. It’s picture perfect, minus a little swelling here or there. And I need to live for this bullshit? For what? Why must I endure more pain and agony every day/night? I will try the sugar pill experiment and let you know how it goes, though.

My mother called a little while ago. She wanted to know if I was going out. No, I am not going out. Why she asked. I didn’t have the time or patience to tell her that I am in a rotten mood and that my colon might explode after all the stuff I had to take to go to the bathroom. That I felt like killing myself and that I just want to be left alone. That my ankle and hip were competing in pain and they haven’t decided which one was going to win today. So I just said because I am not going out in my irritated voice. She got off the phone.

And now the tears have started for whatever reason. I just feel so damn rotten. I know the grief of my father is in there somewhere. I woke up with him on my mind this morning. I still find it strange that I haven’t heard from him and then I realize why and it hurts. Doesn’t help that I painfully went through my April blogs documenting his death as well as my horrible depression that I am still in. I might not have the physical symptoms of depression anymore but I still have the mental. I don’t think I am ever going to recover from this episode. It has gone on for far too long. Just another nail in my coffin.

I had texted my therapist at noon asking for a session if it was possible. I got no response so I just texted her saying forget it, I will just deal with her tomorrow. I get to see her in person and give her my cake that I made over the weekend. I will be getting a Zipcar to see her. This will make the third week in a row that I have seen her on a Tuesday. I just hope my hip is better by tomorrow and I can walk without pain. It will suck if I have to cancel the reservation. I have decided to have her fill out the paperwork for my LTD as one of my diagnoses for disability is depression. It says physician to be filled out but she is one of my attending clinicians so if they don’t like it too damn bad. My physician doesn’t know me from Adam and I can’t let her fuck this up. It’s too important.

I really wish you could just end your life by wishing for death. It would be so much easier than having to plan your death out, make suicide notes to try and comfort those left behind. To answer the “why” you leave behind. I wish I didn’t cause people pain when I leave but I must leave. I can’t go on suffering mentally and physically anymore. It’s too exhausting. It’s not today or tomorrow. It will be within a month or so, unless the sugar pills help me.

Another Sleepy Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Another Sleepy Sunday

I woke up in pain after sleeping for about 7 hours. I fell asleep around 3 am. I made breakfast and was going to make coffee but I had just taken my pain meds so there would be no point. I knew I was off back to dreamland soon enough. I fell back asleep just as the Pats game was starting.

My mother called me to make dinner. I said okay and rolled over back to sleep. She called me about 45 minutes later saying it was done. Oops. I had dinner and then took a shower hoping it would wake me up a little bit. My brother in law finally installed the new heater so I didn’t freeze when I took my shower. It was nice.

I saved my therapist a piece of the delicious cake I made yesterday. I shared it with my family last night and they loved it. So there is just enough for me to eat over the next few days. I have gained a few pounds and I don’t care. I weighed myself before I took a shower. I wasn’t happy but I don’t care. I will have cake dammit! I know I should be watching what I have been eating but lately, any food intake I have is a miracle because I just can’t find the energy sometimes to cook.

I have been thinking of calling Nutrisystem and see how much it would be to get on their program. It’s a weight loss program and the food looks decent. I don’t know if it really is or not and I know the food is separate. I had a friend that went on it but she never really did it or ate the food. I just know if I can get the weight off, I can keep it off. But I have never been good at keeping track of calories and such. I hope it isn’t expensive and easy to manage.

With me taking all these pain meds, I am really backed up. I can’t remember the last time I went, which isn’t good. I have been taking senna but it doesn’t seem to be enough. If I didn’t have to go out tomorrow, I would take some fiber pills. Or I might delay my trip into downtown for another day. I’m not feeling that uncomfortable but I know I need to go before it’s like week of not going. Sucks when you have a nerve injury and need stuff to help push things along. I hate it. Then when I am more regular, I have loose stools and those are wicked fun because they lead to accidents.

I feel really exhausted even though I slept for most of the day. Staying up till 0300 for the past three nights have not been good. I try to settle down for bed before midnight but it never works out that way because of fucking pain. I take my night meds usually between 8-9 pm. The only time that varies is if I am out, which is rare. So I should be asleep by 2300, theoretically.

My crayons came today. I am so excited that I got an adult coloring book and crayons. But I am not going to use it until I change my sheets. That is one goal that has to happen. I have to clean off my bed, which I was hoping to do today but my ankle had other plans. I would ask one of my sisters to help me but they always want me to clean my entire room rather than focus on the one thing that I have control over (changing my bedding). So rather than listen to them bitch, I don’t ask. And despite me sleeping all fucking day, my damn ankle is not grateful. It’s still hurting me. Going to be a long night!