Tag: CES

somewhat good Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Somewhat good Friday

I did all that I had to do today. I went to my Starbucks to get my coffee and sat for a little while to write. Next thing I know, it’s time to leave for my appointment. I get there fifteen minutes early. It went well. The NP was really nice and set me up with a new PCP, which was about time. I see him in Dec. She said he is a good guy. I tend to be skeptical of this until I actually meet the person. My back was a little out of sync but I got to and fro okay. I went to the pharmacy to get my meds and there were no problems. I didn’t wait too long and they had vanilla pudding so I am plan on making my pumpkin fluff this weekend. I took out the cool whip that was in the freezer. I might also make the cake. We’ll see how the back goes.

My therapist called and she was bullshit I don’t see the CBT people until next month. She is still trying to see if I can see her on Monday. I was really appreciative that she called me on her day off to check in with me. I didn’t sleep too good last night and sent my psychiatrist an email, which she still hasn’t responded to. I might page her today, while it’s day light, to talk with her. I got so much going on and I don’t see her for another three weeks.

I kept thinking of wanting to kill myself today. I could have done it, if I had the bottle of pills with me. I don’t know if I would be able to walk to my destination but I would have tried. Now it’s just a guessing game as to when I will try. I really don’t give a fuck anymore. I am tired of being in pain every day and night. I am tired of losing sleep because of pain. I talked about that with the NP today and told her I sometimes had to take 6 pills a day to get relief. I am hoping when I see the doc in Dec he changes the order so I can have 2 more pills a day. Then I won’t be scrambling at the end of the month wondering what to do with my meds.

I’m very sleepy. I did a lot today on little sleep. I hope I don’t stay up all night again tonight. That will just be torture. Part of the reason I couldn’t go to sleep last night was because I was having PTSD symptoms. I had to keep reminding myself that the back pain I was experiencing wasn’t CES happening again. I had to take at least 2 ativans to calm down. It was really terrible.

Baseball Game and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Baseball Game and other things

My Sox won tonight, 2-1. It’s their 9th straight win. I am so elated, or I would be if I wasn’t in serious pain. They need 4 games to win the division, 2 to make it to the playoffs. I didn’t think they would make it this far. The season has been so rocky and up and down. No matter what, I am proud of this team. I just hope their luck continues to grow.

I went through the book, “Night Falls Fast” and while going through it to find a quote, I came across a passage that was all too familiar to me. It was/is what I deem, my suicide note. It is perfectly written to convey to those around me what I feel. I didn’t write it. It was written by another lost soul who did die by suicide.

It raining. I am hearing the rain beat against my AC and I love the sound of the patter. It’s been a long summer drought with no rain at all. We need it. The temp has also dropped to the 60s, which is probably why my pain is up.

I got an email from the Mighty. They are unable to accept my blog at this time. I don’t know if that means they will use it in the future or what but it doesn’t look like they will. I am kind of bummed. I emailed my psychiatrist with the news. I haven’t heard back from her. I haven’t texted my therapist about it. I will tell her when I see her on Tuesday. I will cheer her up when I bring her the pumpkin cake I plan on making.

This sucks that I want to go to sleep but am in so much damn pain, that it’s impossible. As it’s been a while since my last dose of pain meds, I took some of my regular pain meds. I am hoping they kick in soon. I really don’t want to be up all night. I know I should read some as that will probably calm my brain down some in a way but I don’t feel like reading. I am reading the book called the “Dark Tide”. It’s about the molasses flood that occurred in Boston in 1919. Before the collapse of the giant tank, there were warning signs that were ignored. There is nothing I hate more than knowing that a disaster could have been prevented in hindsight. Like in the book, “Dead Wake” the author alludes that the Germans know the whereabouts of the ship and the US knows they know but they don’t do anything about it. So 1200 people die because of this. It’s just sad.

I just thought of something. If I go out tomorrow to get the ingredients for the cake, that means that I will have to rest Sunday, when I wanted to make it then. I guess I will have to make it Monday. Planning to do things when you have chronic pain is such a bitch, especially when that pain involves you standing and walking. Unreal. I really hate my life. I wish Cauda Equina Syndrome never entered my life for the second time. I was doing really well before I got hit again with it. I was working two jobs, close to forty hours between the two. Then all hell broke loose. I still don’t know what caused my L2-L3 disc to herniate so bad that it crushed my nerves. It’s a mystery.

Times like this, I think about my date and the relief that I will have once I kill myself. The sad part is, I have a ways to go to walk to my destination and I am not sure I can do it if my ankle is not cooperating. I could take a cab to my destination. That I have thought about. I hope it doesn’t come to that. I will be sad, well sadder than I already am. It’s not anytime soon so no one get their panties in a twist. I just like to fantasize about killing myself because it brings me some relief. It lessens the burden of my pain and the weight on my chest.

Twitter and CES Anniversary

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

I checked Twitter soon as I got up this morning, like I always do. A Twitter friend had written something like “it was nice knowing you Twitter” with the hashtag #RIPTwitter. I just thought he was saying goodbye to it. He doesn’t post often. Then I noticed the hashtag was trending so I clicked on it to learn more. Apparently, Twitter is thinking about changing their timeline to an algorithm rather than chronological, like Facebook. WTF. I like Twitter because of it’s chronologically set timeline. I dislike Facebook because of its stupid algorithm. You never know what your friends post currently unless you change the settings to “most recent”. It’s so annoying. I sincerely hope they don’t change because then I won’t be on any social media sites. I will be alone and isolated. It will be very sad.

I slept pretty good despite waking up at 0345 in pain. I had breakfast at 0430 and then went to sleep. I didn’t get up till around noon. I had lunch then and now I am thinking about making biscuits and gravy. I haven’t had it in a while. I might have rice with it.

I’m feeling depressed. I had leg pain when I got up and it was just a reminder that even though my CES injury was 15 years ago, I still have pain. It really triggers my PTSD whenever I have pain down my leg because I never have gotten over the injury. It was very traumatic. Tomorrow is my anniversary and I just can’t believe that after 15 years, I am still trying to recover from it, emotionally. My body failed me. I took things for granted like walking, going to the bathroom, even wiping my own ass. The whole time I was in the hospital, I had to have someone wipe my butt every time I had a bowel movement. It was humiliating. I am sure that the way I wipe it now would be frowned upon by some professional, but it is what I learned to do because I can’t reach the way I used to.

I have relearned to walk three times in my life. There was a time when I thought I would have to walk with a walker the rest of my life. There was just this uncertainty that I would not recover. No one told me I would recover. They just thought I was lazy and didn’t want to get “better”. I did what the physical therapists told me to do, even though it hurt like hell. I think the greatest thing that got my strength back was doing stairs in my house that I was living in at the time.

I was in a relationship at the time of my injury. But afterwards, it made sex difficult. I would hurt so bad that I just couldn’t orgasm. It was just too painful being touched and getting excited. The relationship suffered because of this. I was also raped during this time. The partner I was with thought that I could get pleasure but she just didn’t know I was in pain, despite me telling her to stop multiple times. I lost interest in sex. I still do. It doesn’t interest me like it once did. Even when I shower, I have to be careful not to excite myself. You don’t realize how sensitive the genitals are until you get hit with this type of nerve injury.

But these things you take for granted until they are lost on you. You don’t appreciate walking and all the muscles it takes just to take that first step. How the hips are connected with walking in addition to the other muscles in the leg. It took months to walk just to walk with a cane. Then I was told I was “babying” myself because I was still walking with a cane. I think that was the worst someone could tell me. I think that maybe, looking in hindsight, that if I continued to walk with a cane, maybe my ankle wouldn’t have been so fucked up as it is now. Now I am truly disabled. I can’t walk too far without pain. I can’t stand too long without pain. And I walk with a cane now so that I can try and walk farther without pain. Sometimes it works. Sometimes it doesn’t. All depends on the day. I once measured that I could walk 0.4 miles without pain. Now, with my current back injury, I doubt I can make half that distance. My hip would explode. Maybe after physical therapy this go round, I will be able to.

I just don’t know what to do anymore to not be in pain. I can’t sit in a chair for more than a couple hours without my ankle swelling up. Yesterday was a good indication of that. I had sat at Starbucks for a couple of hours before having the appointment with my father for another couple of hours. I still wish that someone had noticed that I wasn’t walking correctly all the times that I was having physical therapy. Maybe I wouldn’t be disabled today if that had happened. But then. I really didn’t think I would get CES again. It’s hard to know if the second diagnosis caused the ankle to behave the way it does now or if the original injury did. Chicken and egg question. I will never know.

So I went out

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

So I went out

I didn’t feel like going out today. I really didn’t. I wasn’t feeling good from the migraine I had this morning and my stomach felt off for most of the day. I barely ate while I was out with my friends for dinner. I took it home what I couldn’t finish. It will make a nice lunch tomorrow. But I had a good time and now I feel better, physically even though my ankle is being a brat. Tomorrow I have a longer day. I just hope I am up to the task. I see my psychiatrist in the morning. Therapist around noon time and then my father. I have switched my days going over to his apartment because of his little trip to NY with his GF. I can’t even spell it out because it makes me sick when he is with her. She is a nice lady and all, don’t get me wrong. But she will find out how rascally my father is one day and she is going to get hurt. I feel bad about this because it has disaster written all over it and she can’t see it. But they are having fun for now.

I was 45 minutes early for the next bus so decided to take a cab home. I am glad I did because I had to pee and waiting 45 minutes with my nerve condition would have been torture. I went and there was bleeding. I missed one fucking pill because out of it and I am bleeding already?? WTF. So I am not taking my meds tonight. Only Ativan because my back spasms are horrid. I even drank Gatorade today. I don’t know why I was cramping up. I drank a lot of water at the restaurant (hence why I had to pee). I didn’t drink any alcohol and I wasn’t up for it even though they were giving samples of it. I got carded. 40 years old and I got fucking carded. Unfucking real. The lady was doing math in her head and she couldn’t believe my age. I look young, what can I say?

I had therapy today. My therapist was in one of her moods where she talked and I listened. I didn’t care because I didn’t feel good. She kept asking me questions and I would answer them. Then she asked me what I was reading and I said you are just going to laugh. She laughed. I didn’t find it funny. She said it was to get it out of her system. Yea right. And the Pope is Irish. I told her about what I was reading even though she was laughing at my selection. She also asked if I was writing. I told her I wasn’t and she said not even blogs? I said yes to the blogs which I got a “oh” response. Like my blogs are nothing.

She asked if I was suicidal and I said I just want to die. End of story. She didn’t go into her tirade of questions afterwards for which I was grateful because it annoys me. I told her I didn’t shower today and had no plans to. I told her last time I did was Sunday. She was okay with this. Though I should shower before going to bed. I will take it in the morning. I did change my stupid underwear to female. I really want to fucking die now. I should have worn a diaper tonight. That would have been the ideal scenario. But I was too lazy to so I had messy drawers after my night out. Fuck.

It was warm today. I was bundled up like it was freezing out and it was in the 50s. Damn weather. I sweated my ass off. Another reason I should shower but I don’t fucking care. One night being dirty isn’t going to kill me. Several nights, that is a problem. But one night, I don’t think so. I still can’t believe I am bleeding though. WTF. After missing just one hormone pill? And it’s only Tuesday? I took two last night to catch up. A lot of good that did me. I am just so damn pissed.

I got email confirmation my doctor’s office can read an email! I got a 90 supply of one of my blood pressure pills. I am thrilled because now I don’t have to pay $20 for a 30 day supply, which is ridiculous! They messed up my other blood pressure pill but it’s still not as expensive as the 90 day one, and I got a 2 month supply so that was something. I just hope the stupid Walgreens alert refill doesn’t go off. It drives me crazy, especially when it goes off telling me to refill the meds I just picked up! Something is wrong with the app. I might have to uninstall/re-install it and see if that helps.