Tag: chronic illness

Release

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Release
Song by Pearl Jam:
I see the world
Feel the chill
Which way to go
Windowsill
I see the words
On a rocking horse of time
I see the birds in the rain

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll ride the wave
Where it takes me
I’ll hold the pain
Release me

Oh dear dad
Can you see me now
I am myself
Like you somehow
I’ll wait up in the dark
For you to speak to me
I’ll open up
Release me
Release me
Release me
Release me

I love this song and I am glad it came on my Pandora playlist I created called, Pearl Jam. I am in a shitty mood. I have been thinking about a story that has been brewing in my head the last few months but have yet to put it into words or write it out. I just haven’t had the motivation.

Tonight, I am in a lot of pain. I had taken my foot out of the covers because I had burning pain. After a few minutes, it calmed down. After a few more minutes, I got the worst pain down my foot. I put it back under the covers and it didn’t calm down. I still feel this pain. Most of my pain tonight is in my foot. The ankle seems to have settled down some.

I’m feeling very despondent, like nothing matters. I want to go to sleep but I got a lot on my mind because I want the pain in my foot to stop but it shows no sign of stopping. And even though it has been hours since I ate, I feel bloated. Seems like my meds make me feel this way. I swear it is like eating another meal when I take so many meds at night.

I was thinking of writing a blog called “should I die” or “if I would die” but I lost my train of thought and never wrote it. This is the third night in a row that my suicidality is high around the same time of night. I don’t know why this is. Psychache is also high and when mixed with physical pain, it is a bad combination. All my thoughts are about death and dying.

I told the social security person while I was filling out the paperwork for name change that I was trans as it asked what sex I was. Apparently, without a doctor’s note, I had to put what I biologically am. I am saddened by this. Just another kick me while I’m down. I wonder if I’ll ever be truly male. Right now I’m in so much pain I really don’t think it matters. I don’t matter. Nothing matters. Heart hurts and there is no pill for that kind of pain.

running around continued

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Running around continued

I got the zipcar this morning and went to the Social Security office. I should have looked up the address before leaving but I didn’t. I drove right by it, twice. I waited about an hour to be called. There was some traffic on the way home. My mother wanted me to stop and get her some stuff at the grocery store. She wanted deli meat and bread. I also wanted to see if I could find a 9×9 or 10×10 pan. No luck. So I went to Stop and Shop as I still had some time to kill before returning the car. They didn’t have it either so I settled on an 8×8. I then returned the car. As I was walking home, my ankle was hurting. I had to stop at Walgreens to pick up my scripts and of course there was a line. The regular pharm tech wasn’t there. My ankle wasn’t happy to stand. By the time I got home, I was hurting really bad. I am still hurting.

I had overnight oats for breakfast. It was okay. There was only one kind and it had coconut in it. I love coconut shavings but not really the flavor. While I was at the grocery store, I bought lunch, some buffalo chicken wings. I should have bought two packages. Oh well. It was really good and not too hot. I am hungry now but going down the stairs is going to hurt. I emailed my PT to see if maybe wearing a boot will help as any movement really hurts, weight bearing or not. I got to keep my ankle/foot immobilized in order to stay pain free. I only hesitate to wear it because it knocks my hip out of whack, which then hurts my back.

I got into a low mood last night and emailed my psych that I was done. I was giving up. Monday would be our last appt. It might change but it might not. I don’t know. I hate being ambivalent but it’s the nature of the beast. My mood kind of sucks right now. I am in a lot of pain. Meds have taken away some of it but it’s still always there. I know I will never have zero pain, even with the meds. But I want them to take more than just the edge off sometimes. If they can bring my pain to my baseline, that would be great. It really sucks that I had to decrease my Zoloft due to side effects. I feel it helped me cope with things better.

Big goings on with the Red Sox today. A lot of their coaches have been hired by other teams since the firing of John Farrell. They have name a new manager, Alex Cora, who used to play with the Sox. I like him and think he will be good for the team. Just stinks he has to hire new coaches now as well as to get to know the players. I really would love to see Jason Varitek as their pitching coach. I love Varitek when he played our catcher. He is so very handsome and a good player that was classy and knew the game well. I miss seeing him every day. I follow his wife on twitter as he doesn’t have any social media accounts. The Skanks fired their manager today. I am not surprised as he really wasn’t producing for them. They made it to the playoffs but didn’t win any pennants. Not that I feel bad or anything. I didn’t like him, but only because he played for our rival team. I honestly don’t know anything about him like I do their other manager, Joe Torre. I respect Joe. He is one of a kind.

in a rotten hopeless mood

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

In a rotten and hopeless mood

I had a difficult night sleeping. Every time I moved my ankle, it hurt. If I moved my foot, it hurt. And it wasn’t a “normal” pain that I feel, it was excruciating so much so that I was moaning and punching my pillow. This happened several times as I tried to sleep. I finally went to bed around 4 am or so. I woke up about 4 hours later. I called my PT and told the secretary that I wasn’t coming in due to pain and no sleep. I took some pain meds and my morning BP meds. Then emailed my PT to let her know I wasn’t blowing her off. There was supposed to be heavy rain today but it never showed. It’s really humid, which I don’t like.

I went back to sleep until around 1300 or so. My pain was down so I chanced a shower. I also shaved until my trimmer ran out of juice. Then I had to manually shave with a razor. I was sweating after I dried off. Hate humidity. I had something to eat, last night’s leftovers. I then went back to my room to cool off as I had the AC on. I was tired from the shower so tried to nap. Soon as I laid down, my stupid ankle went berserk. I was in so much pain, I started crying. My mother called at that moment and I just broke down on the phone. I was in the middle of an email to my psych as I was feeling really hopeless and suicidal at this point. Like what is the point of going on if I am just going to be in pain every single day without adequate relief? I texted my therapist and he responded with that I must be feeling frustrated and lonely. Whatever! Stupid jerk. Monday he was a caring and understanding therapist and today he is a jerk. I am so done. I really wanted to put my plan back on the table. Thing is, I might be too fat to do the deed.

My check came in while I was still up in the middle of the night. I paid a few bills. Now I got to wait till Friday for the rest of the checks to clear. I can’t touch my account until then. If I have at least $60, I am going to try and go to the RMV Friday to update and renew my license. I just hope it isn’t too early to do so and then I have to go back closer to the expiration date.

lot of “running” around today

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Lot of “running” around today

I had a bad night of sleeping. I didn’t fall asleep until after 0330. My check came in at 3, so I paid some bills and ordered a new laptop screen and groceries. It has been a long time since I ordered from Ebay so the password thing was ridiculous. I was doing it all from my phone and it was hard. I miss my laptop so much. I hope I ordered the right screen and I can install it without a problem. It will be delivered Monday.

I slept but it wasn’t a good sleep as I woke up several times. I kept on turning on my back, which caused my back to hurt, waking me up. I woke up around 11 and didn’t want to get up but had to make some calls to begin the process of changing my name on things. Benefits called me saying to call them back. I did and they said I had to call another HR person to change my name, even though it was changed in the system. I called the HR person and they didn’t know what to do with me so they told me to call my generalist HR person. I left her a message and she called me back, though she didn’t know what to do. I had to fax her the certification of my name change. This was after I had already faxed my credit cards their stuff. One credit card I have to mail in the documents they need, which is my license with the new name. I hope to do this Friday but it depends if I have the money to do it as I need to renew my license as well. It might be too early. I am not sure. I need to go to the RMV office as I can’t update online, probably because I need a new picture.

After the faxing, I went to my bank to change my name. It was a learning experience for the two women. I gave a shout out to them on twitter. I was able to get a new debit card at the branch, which was cool. I was worried because I will need my card to pay my bills tomorrow when my bigger check comes in. My ankle started hurting big time when I came home. I hope I am not up till 3 again. I am really tired. I did over 3,000 steps today, according to the health app on my phone. The yesterday I did over 6,000, which is a record for me.

My bro in law had a plumber work on the heating system today. I was glad I was out of the house as he had me turn it up to 90. It was hot and humid today so being outside was better than being in with the heat being turned on. It was still sweltering when I came home. I have the AC on to cool things off. I really don’t want to go to PT tomorrow. I might cancel, if I wake up early enough. Depends on how I feel. My ankle has been going all month more than any other month. My stamina is not what it used to be, either. I am really tired but because of pain, I can’t sleep. Last night, I really wanted to put a cast on my foot/ankle because any movement caused me severe pain. At one point, it hurt so bad after I moved it I just wanted to die right then and there. I was punching my pillow and screaming it hurt so much. I learned that I couldn’t kick off the comforter with my bad foot. I was hot and just wanted the sheet on me. Bad move! I don’t know what I was thinking. If I do go to PT tomorrow, I am going to ask her if I can put my ankle in the boot I have. Maybe that will help. I don’t know. The braces that I have are not helping to keep it from moving. I know that might not be a good thing but it hurts to move it the way it should. And it drives up my suicidality when I am in severe pain like that.