Tag: chronic illness

painsomnia ramble

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Painsomnia ramble

It is almost 0500. I have yet to sleep. I thought I would write to see if that would help me fall asleep. I went to have something to eat and as I turned to walk back to the stairs, my ankle gave out on me. I couldn’t bear weight on it. It was the slowest walk through the house. There was no one I could call as it was so early in the morning. Now I am in a lot of pain, more than what I was in.

I was thinking about what I wrote early in yesterday’s blog about there being a kind of “split” where you have this dark side no one knows about and then you have this side where you appear like nothing is wrong. I want to write more about it but my mind isn’t that clear. I took some Neurontin and so I am kind of cloudy. I don’t know what more to say about it because it is how I feel. Like if I unleash the dark side people will freak out and maybe force me in the hospital or something. I emailed my psychiatrist and let her know yesterday was the day I wanted to end things. I also told her about my mother’s upcoming surgery and how I had planned my death before I knew she was going to have surgery. I told her I really wish I went through with it as I was and still am in a lot of pain. I am regretting the decision to put it off. I wrote her the goodbye letter. I didn’t tell her that though. I told her that next time I will go through with it as I will not make that mistake of taking back the decision and postponing the inevitable.

In the meantime, I am supposed to live my life like it is all hunky dory and shit. Other than my online friends and a few close people, no one knows about my plan. Hell, I don’t even know if I have a plan. I haven’t checked out the location so I have no idea if that will work out. It has to be a desolate area or I am fucked. Someone sees me and the chance of rescue is great. I don’t want that. I really don’t want to be fucking saved by some stranger. That is a fear. I just wish I had a car so I can drive some place and do it there. Easy clean up too. Kind of. I don’t know. It is not like I have done this before. No one knows what my plan is. And I won’t tell anyone. I think my therapist might know but I am not sure. We haven’t talked about suicide in a long time. And we won’t. There is no point. I have made my mind and I am going to stick with it when the time comes.

I have been trying to manage this pain. I tried distraction. Playing with my phone, being on social media, though nothing is really going on at these hours. I was talking to someone about cats. But that was hours ago. I wrote some tweets. I posted some Instagram pics. I was really bored. I really screwed up my ankle. It feels like someone is trying to cut it off. Fucking pain is terrible. It going up my ankle but only half way. So fucking weird. I am just going to stay up until I pass out. I can’t sleep anyway. Every time I lay down, pain increases. I try to wait it out but after three minutes I kind of lose it and have to sit up. I had the AC on but it is cool outside. It is also 30.2 for barometric pressure, which is why my pain is all fucking whacky. Hope it settles down. I will take another Ativan in about an hour. Hope it fucking helps.

Lazy Friday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Lazy Friday

I had a hard time sleeping. I was feeling really achy and couldn’t get comfortable. Around 7 I decided to take my morning meds early so I could sleep. I slept till noon. I wanted coffee and made some. I then made something to eat. I kind of overcooked my eggs as I didn’t have a very yolky yolk. It was still good.

I went back to my room. I didn’t know what I wanted to do. I wanted steak and burgers. I also wanted to try a new drink at Starbucks. I left around 1430 to catch the bus to the Square. As the bus was approaching, my sister walked by. We exchanged hellos and then I got on the bus. I ordered my drink on my mobile app so it was ready when I got there. I didn’t like it. It was an iced cinnamon almond milk macchiato. It had too much cinnamon. I am not a cinnamon person. I drank what I could and then I dumped it. I should have changed it to another drink but I wanted to get my things and go home.

I went to the butcher shop for the meat. Then I went across the street to the grocery store. I got bacon and some burger buns. I wanted to get Irish butter but they didn’t have it. I paid for my things and just caught the bus as it was pulling up when I got there. Score.

My mother made fish for dinner. It was big piece and my mother didn’t have real lemon, just the stuff in the bottle. She should have told me to buy some when I was out. I rather have real lemon than the fake stuff. I wasn’t crazy about the fish because it was too big. I like thin pieces. It was still okay.

My PT left me a message about the functional pain program. Looks like things can be adjusted to my needs and things can be worked out. I was happy to hear this, though I still not sure how I am going to work all this out while under the midnight demons that come out at night that make me feel really suicidal. Today was supposed to be the day I was to end it. Now the date has been pushed to another day. I’m trying not to “split” so to speak where one part of me acts in the dark and the other projects a “happier” version of me. My mother is having surgery next week. I won’t be going to the hospital because I just can’t sit around for a few hours. She will spend a few days in the hospital and provided no complications happen, go on to rehab. She told me that I am to send out some bills when they come in, and then go to the bank when my check comes in. My sister was there when she was talking and I asked what was what and my sister was like “don’t you know”? I was like no because I don’t use that bank. She then asked why don’t I have a bank around here and all this other shit. Whatever. Like it is her business, not mine. So annoying.

did a lot of little things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Did a lot of little things

I woke up around noon. I had decided to make something to eat. Then I made coffee. I used my sister’s Keurig but she didn’t have sugar so I had to bring the cup back upstairs. I was using my BFF’s mug, which my mother had thrown in the dishwasher. This caused some of the personal message to some off a little. After I was finished with it, I just washed it out so my mother didn’t wreck it. I am sad this happened as the mug means so much to me as it came from a dear friend.

After I finished my coffee, I decided to shower. I shaved my head and nicked my ear. With the amount of blood, you would have thought I cut my ear off. OMG. I tried to stop it but I had to hop in the shower and knew the clot would wash off. I would clean it up after my shower. After I dried off, I clenched the little cut and then put a bandaid on it.

I went upstairs and read for a bit. I read The Poe Shadow. It is a book by Matthew Pearl, the first book I ever read by him. I just bought his newest book, the Dante Chamber and his older one, The Dante Club. I don’t know if they are a series as the Club came out before the Poe Shadow. I will find out if I ever read them.

After I read, I tried looking for the notebook I wanted to write my goodbye notes. I couldn’t find a blank one so I just decided to use the one that I had. It had enough pages for what I needed it for. I haven’t started writing yet. I might start tonight. I have no idea what to say. This is why I extended my time, for now. I got about 20 or so letters to write.

I got to stop using the dumb stupid facebook app. All I do all day is hide shit. Ads, old posts, stuff I don’t care about like people going to events. I really don’t care that my friend in Arkansas is attending an event there. Good for her. It is not so bad on the laptop but I still get ads. I have reported them as spam as most of the “sponsored ad” is all letters. Like what the fuck. Then Facebook comes back saying they reviewed my report but didn’t see anything that violated their policy. Okay. It has diagrams of the male penis. That is okay?? I am just done. Time to move on. Wish I could stay on Twitter but there is just political shit about the dickhead in office and his cronies that are dumber than dumb.

I had another talk with my mother and she said that she didn’t ask the doctor because she “didn’t want to look like an addict”. I was angry and hurt because what does she think about me? I texted my sister and she just started yelling at me. I said fine, when she is home and has no meds, don’t come crying to me. They are putting their “trust” in the doctor doing the right thing. Okay, don’t say I didn’t warn you. I am locking up my meds when my mother is home. She will be going to rehab first but when she comes home, I will start locking up. Just to protect myself. I don’t care anymore. They didn’t listen when I told them to. They will find out soon enough. They don’t think I am right. OK. When she is in pain and can’t get meds, we’ll see.

I cooked dinner. Just heated up some ribs. It was so good. My niece ate with us. She likes ribs. Now I am going to listen to the radio for a bit and read some more. Maybe I can get through this book by this weekend. I got PT on Monday. Not looking forward to it. I have been bad doing my exercises. It is just going to be a discharge date anyway so I am not too worried about it. I hope to hear from her tomorrow about the functional program. I still haven’t heard anything. Kind of on the edge of wanting to know and then not really caring. I am just afraid that things will become hectic for me with going a few times a week, having therapy twice a week, and then seeing my psychiatrist. That is a lot.

I am tired. I have done a lot between showering and making dinner. Also stressing over my mother which, according to my sister, is silly at this point. Still it makes me mad that I am not being heard and am perceived as an “addict” by my own mother. I told a friend of mine that to avoid this, I will go in the hospital to force my sisters to deal with her. I want no part of her rehab just because I am home and don’t work. If they think that because I am home, I have to take care of her, they are wrong. I won’t do it.

Luke Combs has a hold over me

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Luke Combs has a hold over me

Yesterday, all I did while I was traveling throughout Boston, was listening to Luke Combs deluxe album. Past hour or so, I had a song running through my head. Just a few words but I couldn’t figure out what song it was. I had to wait for it to play out. That is how songs start in my head. A few words start playing over and over and then a few more and then I have the chorus or enough to figure out what song it is. I knew it was Luke but wasn’t sure which song as there are two that I have been listening to lately and they have the same kind of beat. The song tonight was Must have never met you. So now it is on repeat. Love this song!

Last night when I went to turn on the radio for the game, it wouldn’t turn on. I checked the plug, the strip, the radio and all checked out. I took out the plug and put it in another socket and it worked. The outages that I had last week during the storms must have tripped something and now it doesn’t work. It is pretty old and I wanted to replace it. I had a power strip I wanted to use. I didn’t realize when I bought it the cord was 2 feet. It was too short to reach where I had to put it. I went in my office and found one. It was fancy, at the time, with a lot of connection types, including phone. This was back when dial up was still in use.

So today I when I got up and had lunch, I started clearing off my nightstand as I had to move it to get to the plug behind it. I had started clearing last night but my damn ankle wanted no part. I couldn’t weight bear due to the flare I was in. Took me about 45 minutes to clear it as I kept having to take breaks. I then dusted after everything was off as well as the back of the nightstand. There was a crap load of dust. I couldn’t reach the stuff that was on the floor behind the nightstand. I just move it enough to remove the plug. Then I spent another 20 minutes finding the screws for power strip to mount it on the wall. The holes were further apart than the broken one. I carefully measured to make sure it would fit and wouldn’t fall. I don’t unplug what is plug in often so it should be stable. There was one screw that I had to go through drywall, which can easily come out over time. I hope it stays for now.

My mother made potatoes and hot dogs for dinner. When I came back to my room, my foot started hurting really bad. Just great. I was wondering when I was going to feel pain. Now I am. Going to be another long night. I knew I would be hurting. I can’t be doing stuff on my feet for a long time. I am glad I did what I did as my nightstand needed to be cleaned and dusted. It also needed to be a little better organized. I have put my pills and stuff in a basket and other stuff sorted, like my lotion and pens. Also pad of paper because it seems I can never find one when I need to jot something down. So annoying. I just need to find the notebook I need to start the goodbye letters. I didn’t do it today. Tomorrow looks more promising.