Tag: chronic pain

unstable and need more therapy

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

I had very little sleep. I finally went to sleep around maybe 5. I had set my alarm for 3 different times and didn’t actually wake up till the last one went off, when I knew I had to get up or I would miss my psychiatrist’s appt. I really didn’t want to go to either appointment today. I really had the why bother feeling.

I got to Starbucks and had my breakfast so that put me in a slightly better mood. I had 6 shots of espresso because I was so sleep deprived. When I was finished eating, it was time to catch the train. I was a little bit close to on time. I am almost always early for my psych but the train was kind of slow going to a few stations and they were announcing something about shuttle buses but I couldn’t make out exactly what they were saying.

My doc called me and she asked what was up. I told her not much had changed since I last saw her except that I moved my date to a week later. I didn’t tell her why. I told her I was miserable and I didn’t like that. I was tired of being in pain. She said that she thinks the pain doc is going to prescribe me the longer acting med. I told her I wasn’t hopeful about the upcoming appt. I didn’t tell her I was being screwed with my pain meds, though I felt like it. I told her I didn’t know if I should start hormone therapy. She said something about being stable and I asked if she thought I was and she said no. Great. Tell me something I don’t know. So much for faking things with her, haha. So I am unstable. She asked when I was seeing my therapist and I said 2. I had to find the bus stop as walking is difficult right now. She will see me in two weeks and I had the urge to email her saying forget it but didn’t. She said to let her know about my appt with the pain doc and I said okay. I will be in touch.

I left for my therapist’s office. I got off at the wrong exit and walked like two blocks to find a bus stop. I checked to see when the next bus was coming at this stop and found I walked by a closer one. Nice. Just what my ankle needed. The app said the bus would be here in 15 but I think it was closer to 20 minutes. I still had plenty of time. I got off at the stop after city hall, which was closer to my therapist’s office than city hall so it worked out well. I had about a half hour to kill. I used the bathroom as the espresso was running its course. I wish I bought some water as I was thirsty. The waiting room didn’t have a water cooler. That kind of stinks.

I saw my therapist and about 10 minutes in I just burst out crying. I have no idea what came over me. I must have cried for fifteen minutes and I don’t even know what I was crying about. I told him how frustrated I was with pain, and walking, and family not understanding, friends not understanding, not being treated with the right pain meds. It just all came out. I told him I even thought of not even bothering with therapy. He said that is a good idea, sarcastically. I asked him if he thought I should be in therapy after I was finished crying and got some what control of my emotions. He said he thought I needed more therapy, maybe twice a week. Then time was up and that was it. Thanks for nothing buddy. I was annoyed but felt better, sort of.

I stupidly walked to the station. It was raining most of the day so the stairs to the station were obviously wet. I almost missed a step going down and it scared me. My ankle was not happy. It was raining harder when I got to the Square. I went to the barber shop to see if my barber had my baking dish. He wasn’t in and the guy there didn’t know if he had it. I sent him a message and his wife said he would bring it tomorrow. I told him/her that I would be in the area Wednesday. That might change as I just ordered my groceries to be delivered between 11 and 1. If I feel up to it after I put my stuff away, I will go. I need to get my laptop fixed as this POS can’t be upgraded so I will be changing OS to Linux once I figure out how. I am going to try a factory reset first to see if that fixes the memory issues but I doubt it. I don’t have too many programs installed so I am kind of pissed the memory is gone. And I keep getting the windows update saying I need 8GB of memory to install. WTF Sorry, not happening! I am tempted to just buy another laptop with a larger memory storage. I have no idea if I get my other laptop fixed if there will be other issues. I haven’t used it since Oct. I am sure there are a shit load of updates and I know I will have to buy McAfee as it expired. Might just be worth getting a new fricken thing. I will check and see what they have available. I hate doing it but if it will save me a headache, it will be worth it!

I don’t know if my therapist will see me twice a week. I guess I will ask him next week but it will be tough to see him regularly. As it is right now, I am just seeing him like twice a month, if I am lucky there are no Monday holidays. He didn’t say if it would be a temporary or permanent thing. He wanted me to have the space to talk as I am not getting that right now. I’ll have to think about it because that means $30/wk as opposed to $15.

My ankle pain just spiked. I still need to figure out dinner. I should have bought Chipotle while I was in the Square. I could go for a burrito.

Painful Sunday

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Painful Sunday

I had put on the compression sock before I went to sleep sometime last night. I wasn’t in too much pain until I took it off. The elastic bothered my foot so bad that it was intense pain. Luckily it settle down some, on its own. I was determined to make the crispy buffalo cauliflower bites today. It was costly though and they didn’t come out that great. My mother didn’t like them and complained there was not salt or pepper. I saved the sauce and cauliflower. I don’t know if I will make it again but it was good to try it. My mother think I should have made it with egg. Everything is better with eggs which is why we go through so many. We should just own a few chickens. It would be easier than buying them.

I didn’t answer when my mother called me saying dinner was ready. I was so mad at her. In the end she ended up cleaning up the mess I made. I felt bad but there was no way I could do it. I could barely stand after the cauliflower was done. I got hungry and even went downstairs with the boot. Damn thing didn’t stop or help the pain. I had trouble going back upstairs after I ate. My mother said to “rest”. I got mad again and punched the wall. I was so damn aggravated. I picked a new date as the date I had originally was too close to a birthday.

My loud mouth aunt joined facebook. I have no idea if it is her or not. She requested to be friends with me and I blocked her. No way she is knowing my business so she can gab about me behind my back, not like she doesn’t do this anyway. I just don’t need her calling my mother after every post, telling her what I post. My cousin did that and I blocked him. I don’t know if she now knows I am trans. I guess I will find out soon.

My laptop is fucking up. I have shit for memory and it finally has been filled up by god knows what. I cannot fucking wait to fix my other laptop or buy a new one. I don’t care at this point. It will be better than this piece of shit, though what I will do with it, I have no idea. A friend of mine was telling me about a different OS that takes up less hard drive space so maybe I will fiddle with that. I honestly just need this junk to have word and internet so I can post my blog. I can’t go on Facebook anymore because it eats RAM. I settled for using it just for Twitter but I can do that with my phone, which I am grateful I have pics hidden because one of the accounts I followed showed snakes and I am very phobic about snakes. If I went through via the internet the picture wouldn’t have been hidden and I might have had a panic attack. On Facebook you can’t do that, which sucks because a friend went to a friend’s house that had pythons. UGH. I manually hid that post so fast. Freaks me out!

I hope my fucking pain doesn’t keep me up tonight. Last night it kept me up till midnight but I slept for most of the day so it wasn’t bad. Plus I woke up around 0330 in pain so that wasn’t so great. I had to use lidocaine to ease some of the pain as it was just awful stabbing pains and I was getting a little crazy. My cousin called me and left a message to call him so I did. I automatically block his number because he annoys me. I told him I just don’t feel like talking every day. I rather text or email.

Just when I think…

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders, suicidality, suicide attempt survivor

Just when I think I don’t have to kill myself, I can make it, pain proves me wrong. No matter what I do. I can’t hang in any longer.

I still have a date in mind. I don’t know if I have the capability to do it. I’ve failed before, what makes me think I can end my life this time?? If it was that easy, I would be dead by now. I am tired of hurting. My heart hurts too, physically
and emotionally. The pain is so bad it is giving me palpitations and sometimes chest pain due to anxiety. It goes away with Ativan so I know it is not a cardiac issue. Anxiety is such a bitch.

Someone is hammering my lateral malleolus. It has a name. funny thing though is that I have bony things on the medial malleolus which doesn’t hurt. Go figure that out. Maybe it is referred pain. Medical mystery…

Despite morning rain, a sunny afternoon

by Midnight Demon, posted in baseball, Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Despite morning rain, a sunny afternoon

When I woke up at six this morning it was still dark and raining. I used the bathroom and then checked the weather report. It said it was going to be raining for most of the day. I thought it was just supposed to be yesterday and that was it. Guess I wasn’t getting all my errands done. I planned on just going to the bank for my mother and then pick up my meds at Walgreens. I took my morning meds and set my alarm so I wouldn’t sleep all day.

I woke up just before the alarm went off. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. It was a bit brighter in my room but that could be deceiving. I got up and decided to shower. Then I would eat something. It was sunny out and warm. I would be able to do all my errands. I showered and my foot didn’t act up. I was hot though. I heated up a burrito that I had made. It was really filling. After I ate, I went up to my room to get dressed. I wore jean shorts. I have no idea what happened to my belts. They are only on two pairs of pants/jeans. I have 3 or 4 belts so that means 1 or 2 are missing. I just wore the shorts without the belt. My phone would have to go in the cargo pocket.

I got my packages and my mother’s bank book (yes, bank book, she doesn’t do anything electronically) and left. I had also grabbed the screen that needed to be fixed. I went to the post office first. I forgot the customs form that I had already filled out in my bag. I filled out another one. Then I got a box for the thing I was mailing. I also mailed the card for my friend in Canada. It needed postage as I didn’t have enough on it. I have no idea what the postage is but the lady put like three stamps on it, in addition to the two I had put. I paid then waited for the bus to go to the screen place down the street. It was too long for me to walk.

I didn’t have to wait too long. I got to the screen place and the lady said she wasn’t sure she could fix it and it might have to be replaced. I asked how much it would be and she said between $60-70. I was expecting that much. They said they would call me. I missed the 1330 bus. The next bus was to the Square and I debated going to have espresso. I decided to get it so stayed on the bus. When I got half way there, I ordered my drink and some Danish. I don’t know why I ordered it as I wasn’t hungry. I will have it for tomorrow as I didn’t eat it.

I went to the bank and then to Walgreens. I bought some facial stuff as I have a breakout of blackheads on my nose. I had an astringent but it smelled really bad. I tossed it as I figured it was expired. I wanted to get a facial bar and scrub sponge. It took me forever to find the sponge as I didn’t remember who made it. I finally found it as I almost gave up. I should have bought a soap holder but forgot. The bar that I bought breaks down quickly when wet. Hopefully I won’t have to use it for too long. I hope to get my haircut tomorrow. It’s the only thing left to do this week, oh and get my T-Pass.

My Amazon package had arrived when I came home. I had ordered my sister the cappuccino that I like as I used her last few packs. I also bought my brother in law the tea that he likes. I forgot I bought my mother the tennis ball gliders for the walker so it wouldn’t make so much noise. Putting them on was a bitch. They worked though.

I kind of caught the last of the game last night. Seems the Sox and the Bruins (hockey) were behind and came back to win. Hoping for another win tonight. Sale is pitching. He didn’t do well last time out, but then he was up against an A’s pitcher that no hit.