Tag: chronic pain

Therapist is Back

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Therapist is back

My therapist came back from vacation. She went to Ireland as she brought me back a spoon. It’s becoming our thing. We talked about a lot of things. I gave her my sauce and she wanted to eat it right then and there. She is too funny.

We didn’t talk about my suicidality, but we did talk about how my pain and the voices are contributing to it. I still need to page my psychiatrist so I can get some more trilafon. She encouraged me to page her though I am a little hesitant as it’s not an “emergency”. I just emailed her again. If I don’t get a response, I will page her tomorrow. I still have enough to last me the week.

My therapist doesn’t want me to kill myself in September because it’s a special month for her. I suppose I could wait till October. The weather is bound to be cooler then and maybe I can get some kind of suicide note out of the way. It will give me time to think of what I want to do with my stuff. I think it’s unfair that I am made to wait a month when I want to end my life so badly. She just doesn’t get how miserable I am.

I talked about the psychologist that was being a jerk to me yesterday. I explained what his thoughts were and she agreed with me that he was being an idiot. I don’t know why I follow him. Just for a laugh, I suppose.

We also talked about my other friend on Twitter. She asked if I met him yet. I told her no and I am not so sure I want to meet him because he is a therapist. He is a little looney but that is okay. I find him interesting and funny. I guess I don’t want to be disappointed with seeing him in real life versus what I imagine him to be like.

It’s funny that we kind of talked in circles all through out our session. Not really focusing on any issues. She did ask about my pain and I told her the situation with my pain meds. I have technically 9 days of meds and I don’t get a refill for 14. This is because I have had to increase the meds to get relief. I am no longer taking 1 pills at a time. I think I am taking around 6 pills a day when I am allotted only 4. That is when I am having a bad day. Lately, I haven’t had that much pain so I think it will even out. But I can’t control flare ups. I guess if I do have another flare, I will have to take the strong pills and risk my bowels being shut off for a few days, despite taking senna. It’s all the give and take of the pain syndrome. All the more reason why I rather kill myself now while I can possibly walk to my destination than not.

The drive there wasn’t too bad and I made it on time back. I didn’t hit traffic and listened to country tunes the whole way singing along. It was fun driving. I am glad I don’t have a car for daily use as traffic annoys me.

Just got a response from my psych about my meds: “yes”. I don’t know what that means. I hope it means she will call it in. Why do docs have to be so damn cryptic?

Two Errands Completed

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Two Errands completed

My foot was bothering me today, nothing compared to last week, but it was still hurting. I took a pain pill and waited for it to work. Then I took a shower. It tired me out so I rested for an hour. I had that long before the next bus came. I was going to go to the pharmacy but I kind of got side tracked because I got on the laptop. Next thing I knew it was time to catch the bus. I figured I would go to the pharmacy after my first errand.

I got to Starbucks and wanted to sit and write but it was crowded so I just decided to head into Boston for my errand. I needed to pick up paperwork for my disability T-Pass. I should have brought a stamped envelope so I could mail it out right then but silly me didn’t think of it until I got the paperwork. I could have gone to the post office when I got to the station and got a stamped one but I didn’t have cash on me and I felt funny charging fifty cents or so on my card. That will be tomorrow’s errand.

I waited for the bus and there was the homeless couple with all the things taking up most of one bench. I feel bad for them but it doesn’t leave much room for people to sit down. Bus was on time and we were off. I went to the pharmacy but they had a long wait time so I just said I would be back tomorrow to pick it up. Another errand to do.

I haven’t had anything to eat all day. I am hungry but I don’t know what the hell to eat. I really want pizza from the place I always go to but I am broke until Wednesday. This sucks living on a monthly check. Think I will make a tuna sandwich and some tater tots.

Sox game isn’t until 1900. It’s against the stupid Rays, a team I don’t like. They really have become more of a rival than the stupid Skankees. We are tied for first and I hope we don’t lose anymore games this week.

Saturday Blog 61

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Saturday Blog 61

I made a tuna sandwich for lunch. I could barely finish it. I was hungry but not that hungry. My appetite has been off this week. My pain levels have returned. Last night I took a strong pain pills and it was the first time all week that the pain actually went down to a zero. I couldn’t believe it. I didn’t move it too much after the pain went away because I was afraid that would bring the pain back. But now the medicine has worn off and I am in pain again.

I read an article from “the Mighty Site” about “what goes through a chronic pain’s mind when you can’t sleep” or something like that. I read it with interest but it clearly lacked what I experience when I can’t sleep due to pain. If you add in some suicidality, it might come a little closer. https://themighty.com/2016/08/what-its-like-to-be-kept-up-at-night-by-chronic-pain/

Been feeling low since the pain came back. I am just discouraged that I am again plagued with pain. I talked to my sister last night. I talked her into buying pizza for me after she gets out of work. I can’t wait because I have been craving pizza for the past few days. Pizza won’t help the pain but will help my mood. Pizza is my comfort food, well one of them anyways.

There is a song by Sam Hunt called “make you miss me”. Every time I hear it, I want to text my therapist the lyrics. Only problem is that I am afraid she will freak out and panic. I can’t help but feel this song is so me right now. I keep thinking of how my suicide is going to affect my “kids”. Three are adults and one is 11. I think about it and it keeps me here for a little longer but then I will put the blinders on and they get blocked out, like everyone else in my life. If I don’t have the blinders, I might never kill myself and continue to suffer this existence that I don’t want to be in.

College football season starts soon. Usually, that makes me happy. But I am dreading it because baseball season is still going on and the Sox have a good chance of making it to the playoffs. I normally shut out football until baseball season is officially over (end of the World Series). Last year was the exception because the Sox were in last place for most of the season and I couldn’t wait to watch winning teams. I got hooked on college football way back when I was doing a two month hospitalization when I was 19. It was the only thing to watch on Saturdays as there was really nothing of interest and I was restricted to the ward because of my suicidality.

I still am brainstorming a paper that I am thinking of writing. I think I am going to have to hand write it because looking at a computer screen is not giving me ideas. I think once I write it, it will help explain things on why I need to die. Being in severe pain is one of the reasons. Having to rely on pain meds for relief all the time is another. They work, don’t get me wrong. But I hate being a “pill popper”. And the voices love rubbing it in. I still haven’t quite got them to quiet down despite being medicated. They really want me to end my life and I am tired of fighting them on this. It’s so tiring between being in pain and fighting the noise in my head, suffering from severe depressions, and constantly battling suicidal thoughts. So I am giving up. It’s over. I got a plan and soon as the weather is cooler, I plan on executing it.

Post 1900

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Post 1900

My psychiatrist called in my trilafon. Unfortunately, she didn’t change the damn order so I am still “taking” one pill a day. I told her in the email that I am taking 2 pills a day. I am aggravated. I see her on Friday so I hope she will write a new order then.

I didn’t have anyone to go to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription so I took a chance of going out to get it. I was hurting but not more than usual. As a treat to myself, I bought some hot fries. I figure I will have them while I watch the game tonight. I came home and I was sweating up a storm. It was muggy out.

I did make coffee today. But I really have had much to eat. I just am not hungry. I slept most of the day as I really didn’t want to get up. We are out of bread so I couldn’t make a sandwich or something. I hope my mother gets some tomorrow. I hate being out of bread.

I was reading some of my blogs from last June. I honestly don’t know how I am alive today as I was so depressed and suicidal. And not much has changed. I had emailed my psychiatrist the most dreadful stuff. I am really surprised I didn’t get put into the hospital then.

I haven’t written to my therapist in a few days. There has been nothing I really want to write. Even today’s blog has been difficult. I guess being in pain and taking pain meds has really affected my feelings. All I want to do is sleep and then when it’s time to sleep, I am in pain. I have to watch my niece for a few hours tomorrow, which means I need to wake up early. I don’t know if that is possible given that I rarely have been awake before 9 all week. I again don’t have anything to do so I will set my alarm, just in case I over sleep. I hope I am not up all night. That will really suck.