Tag: chronic pain

taking a friend’s advice and other things

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders

Taking a friend’s advice and other things

A dear friend of mine said to let the AC rest for four hours and then turn it back on. So I turned it off and I am sweating my ass off while it’s resting. It’s after midnight and I can’t sleep despite putting on the white noise thingy that I use for sleep. I have been dependent on the AC noise for so long that I had no idea it was part of my sleep routine. I can’t sleep in dead silence. It’s too creepy.

My foot pain acted up an hour or so ago. I have been really bad on drinking today despite the heat so I had some almond milk that had the necessary salts that I needed. I still have a headache but I think that is because I am in a very warm, humid room. I hope I am not up for the next four hours but I might be. There is no point in leaving my room as it’s hotter in my house than my room, unfortunately. I still plan on getting a new AC unit next week because I think it will help my electricity bill. The unit I have now just sucks electricity really bad. It’s at least 5-6 years old. Only trouble I have will be getting the new sucker to my room. It’s 50 lbs so there is no way I can carry it up two flights of stairs. I will have to have my brother in law install it for me.

I have thought about watching a movie. Sadly, what I want to watch ends on a teary note so I don’t want to cry at the end. I could watch Titanic as I have seen it a million times but it’s so damn long and I am afraid I don’t have the patience to watch it, not while I am hot and cranky.

Yesterday would have been the perfect day to end my life if I had any brains. The temp was nice and cool. I have been thinking a lot about how to do this. I think I will leave a letter in my wallet that says what to do if I am found. I don’t want heroic measures. But I feel that I should at least leave a contact information with whoever finds me so they know who to call.

exhausted from being tired

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

exhausted from being tired

It’s another night of pain so of course I am up. I am so tired and exhausted from fighting pain all the damn time. You think I would be able to sleep. Lately, I have been taking my pain meds with coffee to fight off the drowsiness effect of the pills. I do this to avoid sleeping all day but then I have nights, like tonight, where I can’t sleep.

I have been thinking more about my plan. I have been crying most of the night because I know I will be hurting everyone around me and then some. I keep having this argument in my head of what my therapy session will be like tomorrow. I told my therapist in a text I was done. That things were over. I was half expecting a response but I didn’t get one. Then I texted her that I would have cancelled session but it was too late to do so. I told her I might not be in the mood to talk, pretty much like I was today.

I don’t really know when I will go through with my plan. I know it’s not going to be this week because it’s too damn hot. I want the weather to be cooler as the place that I have chosen is outdoors. I thought about writing a will tonight but I was too tearful. All day I have been tearful, which is weird because it takes so much for me to cry. I guess the pain has finally broken me down.

My sister texted me earlier about a party they are having for my uncle. I guess she was inviting me to go. But I hate going over there because that means an all day affair and I really don’t want to spend more than a couple of hours at my cousins. I will just be bored. I can be bored at home. Besides, more than a few hours sitting or standing for any length of time always brings me more pain in my leg. Sorry Uncle Bob but I can’t see you because my pain is too great. Just another reason for me to off myself.

I kind of feel like I should hang around till after the election to find out who will win. Trump made a huge blunder today and his supporters are all covering for him saying “he didn’t mean it that way”. Like hell he didn’t. Then he tweeted saying “what he meant to say”, which made no fucking sense. It was an outright lie. Yet he has the audacity to call Clinton a liar. My vote won’t count because I’ll be fucking dead. I know I definitely don’t want to be around for the shitshow when the baby loses nor be around should he win. The country will be going to hell and war. Such a sad state of affairs and then they wonder why the suicide rate is so high. I think there was another suicide tonight on the red line. There was a medical emergency that called for shuttle bus services so I can only guess there was a jumper.

It’s a strange feeling when you have the power to end your life whenever you want to. I know that I could go to the hospital but for what exactly? Hospitals haven’t exactly proven to save lives, not when it comes to suicide anyway. They usually precipitate a suicide. The only regret that I have is that I won’t be finishing my reading challenge for the year. I was so looking forward to reading at least 40 books this year and unless I spend every waking moment reading in the next few weeks, I just don’t see it happening. I have 25 books to go. I have no idea what will become of the books I do have. Some of them are brand spanking new. I suppose they can be donated to the library. I know that my suicide books I want donated to my therapist. She should have a suicide library. It won’t be doing me any good anymore.

I keep thinking about how to tell my psychiatrist goodbye. That is going to be tough and tricky. I have known her longer than I have known my therapist. I have written her multiple goodbye letters over the course of my suicidality. I never once gave her any of them. The last email that I sent her that was sort of a goodbye she sectioned me so I have been cautious about giving her letters such as these. I give too soon and I could be found and hospitalized against my will.

I have noticed a pattern over the years. Every year between August through October I become wicked suicidal, more so than at any other time of year. It has been going on since I was a teenager. Back then, you could expect to be admitted for months. Now you are lucky to be admitted for more than a week. This time, I am not going to be admitted, I am just going to follow through with my ideas. I am tired of living. I am tired of being in severe physical pain. I am too complex to be taken seriously by my practitioners. My therapist said with bated breath today that she loved me. I could tell it wasn’t really true because she really hesitated before saying it. It was like she had to prepare herself to say it quickly so to get it out of the way. I will miss her. I know my death will destroy her but I can’t help that. I tried to get her to get rid of me years ago but she still held on. It’s her fault it will hurt. I told her she could leave at any stage of the game. Now the game is over, I’m afraid. Stalemate.

Starting the day off in pain

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Starting the day off in pain

I woke up late this morning due to pain in my ankle. This is the third day in a row that I have woken up in pain. I took my pain meds and was debating on going back to sleep but decided to make coffee. It was really good and took away the drowsiness of the pain meds away. I felt energetic so I took on a task that I have neglected all weekend: cleaning the stairs. I was doing fairly well until the last four or five steps. My back decided I had enough but I wasn’t done yet. I had to rest before I finished the stairs. Then I swept the area around the stairs as they haven’t been swept in a while. I then vacuumed up the dust and stuff rather than trying to get it in a dustpan. I was done for the day. My back thanked me kindly and I went back up to my room to rest.

I have been reading Twitter. Nothing interesting is going on. I called my therapist as I wanted to talk to her but she is booked. I told her to call me if she got a chance. I just feel like I need to talk to someone because I am losing my mind with pain and the thoughts of suicide are hanging around more than going away. I just can’t seem to stop thinking about ending my life because I can’t stand not being able to do things without pain. Even taking a shower hurts me.

I printed off the disability pass document because I have to renew it. I will drop it off to my PCP’s office on Friday when I have my appointment. Friday is going to be a long day for me because I see the NP in the morning and then I have PT in the afternoon for my Achilles problem. If it causes me more pain than what I am already in, I won’t go through with the sessions. I just can’t bear more pain.

I was going to read Adler today but I am just not up to reading and concentrating. I might read the mindless book about fieldstones. This guy talks about stones a lot in this book. Basically a stone is a note that you write when you have an idea for a book or the book you are writing. Why he just doesn’t say “notes’, I have no clue. It’s getting wicked redundant but it’s mindless reading so I don’t mind it. I might read some Dostoevsky later tonight. The Sox are off tonight so I have plenty of time to read. I just wish I had some motivation to read Adler. I am sure I could finish the chapter today if I did.

My psychiatrist is still on vacation. She won’t be back until next week. It will be good to see her. I will need a refill on my trilafon by then. I hope she changes the order to taking it twice a day as it seems to be working better for me than taking it once a day. I can reach her via email if I need to. If my therapist doesn’t call me today, I will email my psych. I haven’t emailed her since last week when I was in a rut and agonizing over what to do because I was in pain and suicidal. I really wanted her input as the voices were out of control and so was my pain. It was like a double whammy of things going on at once. But me getting all worked up because of pain anxiety got the voices going too. It just is a bad situation. And to make things worse, my therapist is on vacation the next two weeks starting next week. For the first time in 16 years, I am having anxiety over her going on vacation. It’s like my routine is being taken away from me for two weeks and I am having a hard time dealing with that. I do have PT while she is gone so I have some structure but it’s not the same.

It’s another humid day so I am staying in my AC’d room. I don’t really have to go out today, though I still want to get some burgers and hot dogs so my rolls don’t go bad. I wish the meat market sold the hot dogs I like but they don’t. So I need to go to two different places to get these items. I wouldn’t dare go out given that my back and ankle have been screaming at me the last couple of hours. Maybe tomorrow I will go, if I am not in too much pain.

Kind of in a rut

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, chronic physical pain, depression, mood disorders, suicide

Kind of in a rut

I have been in serious pain the last two day and it has been affecting my mood. I feel hopeless that this onslaught will continue and that I won’t get any relief. I just took both my strong pain meds and regular pain meds because I just don’t know what to do anymore. I figure maybe both can knock out this cycle that I am in and give me some relief.

I have been thinking about ending my life again, because of this pain. I feel trapped by it and no one wants to help me with it. But then, there is nothing that hasn’t been done. I have tried PT, ultrasound therapy, shots, immobilization, etc. and nothing has helped. I haven’t really done anything the last few days and it flared up on me. All I have been doing is sleeping! How is that hurting myself??!!

Soon as the weather cools down some, I think I will end my life. I am tired of going on like this. I am still not sure if I can walk to my destination, but isn’t that what cabs are for? I just hope he/she knows where they are going. Of course, my biggest fear is being found as I will be in a public place. It is mostly deserted though, so I think I will be okay. I just hope that I have enough meds to do the deed. I am 1 mg short of a full lethal dose. I hope it won’t matter.