Tag: coffee

Sunday Blog 23 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, cauda equina syndrome, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday Blog 23 Sept 18

I saw my friend in the hospital today. It was good to see my friends. Even though I worked at the hospital and knew where to go, it was exhausting walking around. From the garage to the building he was at, just exhausted me. He wanted something in the café and that was another excursion. The café had changed so much I didn’t know where the ice machine was. By the time I found it and went back to the floor, then back to his room, said our good-byes, and then walked back to the garage, I was glad we didn’t go to the restaurant. There was no way I could walk there. My foot was really bothering me. I forgot my pain meds.

I came home. I wasn’t hungry right away but knew I needed something more than a few cookies that I had with my coffee earlier this afternoon. I rested and then the pain got bad. It was about 6 pm. I have noticed my pain seems to increase around 12 and 6 hours. I don’t think the extended release is doing anything. I am afraid to say this because they could just say they won’t give me anything. That will be worse. I also know that around 9 my pain is much worse but that is most likely because the extended release has worn off.

I waited a bit and then got hungry. I didn’t know what to have. In the end I decided a burrito would do. It would be a few seconds and no cooking would be involved. I had to take my meds. I didn’t fill my med box for the week so that took some doing. I brought up a bag full of powerades and my leg didn’t like that. I am in so much pain it’s not funny. I saw something on my big toe. It was some skin that was off. I pulled it off but didn’t want to tear it off. I cut it and tried to get it closer to the skin but the position I had to have my ankle/foot didn’t like it at all. I am so sick of being in pain.

I am also sick of the Kavanaugh proceedings. If he was a decent person, he should have withdrew his nomination by now but he must be an asshole like the rest of the elected GOP is. All throughout my Twitter it was football, baseball, and then bullshit tweets. It is driving me crazy and it is triggering me because it is making me remember my own sexual abuse that was between my ex and a family member. There is other abuse but I won’t talk about it because a few members of my family read my blog. The family member I mention is known to be a predator. The other one not so much. Still, I am on the fence on talking about it. But remembering it all doesn’t fucking help. I have therapy tomorrow so will try and bring it up. It will depend on how I feel. There is no point in texting my therapist about it because it will be ignored. Anything I want to talk about, it has to be in session only. Fucking sucks big time when you want to talk about something hard but have no idea how to and you think a text might be a Segway into it but it goes into the cyber void. It still might go to the cyber void when I talk about it in therapy. Sometimes I talk about stuff and I have no idea why I brought it up because he didn’t do this or that with what I told him. Sometimes I wonder why I continue to go, like what the hell is the benefit if I am not getting the help I am looking for. I am trying to write about this in the blog I am writing. I wanted to work on it today but I was too distracted with my friends coming to get me and then going to the hospital.

I shaved and showered. I am one week post my haircut and there is some semblance of it still present. I give it another week until I need to go back and get it cut again. My royalties for my kindle came in at a whopping $14 so I can afford a haircut now. Only thing that sucks is that I am not sure my new disability pass will come in before the end of the month to get the monthly pass. That will suck because I have a lot of appointments in Oct so will need the pass. Otherwise I have to keep track of the balance so I don’t get low. That is a pain in the butt because I will have to make sure I have money to put on the card if it does until the end of the month. I hope the new card comes this week so I can stop worrying.

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Feeling lifeless again with jelly legs

I woke up in the middle of the night again. I can’t remember what for. I just know it disrupted my sleep. I woke up a little before my med alarm and kind of just laid there until it went off. I just didn’t want to get up. By the time the alarm went off. My bladder was saying hurry up so I was forced to get up. My bowels seemed to awakened too, so that was a good sign after almost four days of not going. Afterwards I brushed my teeth and hoped I wouldn’t puke as the post nasal drip started. I was just miserable with allergies in the morning. I think because the pollen is in the screens I just need a whiff for it to send my histamine crazy. When the weather is cooler, I just will hose them off. Be easier than washing them in the sink.

I didn’t want to get dressed, much less go to the pharmacy to straighten out my medication issue. I talked with the girl who has her shit together and is really helpful. I told her about this weekend and she said she would pass it along to the manager as she wasn’t in yet. I really hope my pain medication do not become an issue every month because people can’t read or look something up in the computer. I only use the one pharmacy (like I am supposed to with my pain contract). I really don’t want to have to go to another one only because of convenience.

After that, I went to the bus stop and my cousin came by. Sweet! I got a ride to the Square. I was still feeling pretty shitty. I didn’t make the espresso right as the barista put too much ice in the cup. I was too tired to do anything about it. I figured I would drink it anyway but the allergies were making me sick. I had a bagel and some of the espresso. Then I just zoned out. I didn’t feel like writing. I hardly touched my drink. I just sat there, staring out to the street watching cars parallel park and a smoker sit and then stand because he was an idiot. He sat in front of a door and people kept coming out. You would think after the third time, just stand but nope, down he went again. Idiot.

I left to go to the station. I had to use the bathroom anyway and I don’t like Starbucks. They are kind of claustrophobic to me. I left early but just got to my therapist’s office within minutes of the appointment. Fricken bus was late. I would have walked but I felt too shitty. Now I had to wait till after session to use the bathroom. I talked about things that were stupid. Nothing really of importance. I told him about the fight I had with my sister calling me rude. And about work. I miss work, sort of. I don’t miss the docs and nurses yelling at me. That part can take a hike. But there were some nurses who were nice and appreciative of going out of my way to help them, if I could. I did that for some, not all. Some times the floor would call like three times and get three different people who gave different answers. That would annoy me and frustrate the floor, which I don’t blame them, especially when it was a sick patient who was a hard stick.

I then walked home. I tried doing it all in one shot but it didn’t work. I got to city hall and had to stop. I made a phone call to the LGBT clinic for the testosterone therapy. I couldn’t get through. I walked the rest of the way then went down the stairs slowly. I caught the bus home. My ankle was killing me. Felt like the bone was ready to pop off. I hate when it gets that way. I had take a BT med after therapy. I finally reached home and was more exhausted than ever. My legs felt like they were going to collapse on me at any minute. I did some PT exercises at Starbucks but not everything. I haven’t been doing them and my PT is going to yell at me. I am getting frustrated with myself because I just can’t keep up with everything. And this week is really busy. I need to kind of chill because of the wedding and concert. I am going to be so sore come Sunday. I probably should cancel therapy for that Monday as I know I am probably going to need another day of rest. I want to see how the wedding goes. Then I will decide.

I didn’t stay up to hear if the Sox won or lost last night. They won. Their 98th win of the season. They still have 18 games left in the season so I think they are going to have more than 100 wins. I am really excited about this because this will be the first time in my lifetime the Sox win 100 or more games. I am so happy for them. Just hope the Sept curse isn’t upon them where they implode. Will really suck if they just have the wild card game because they play badly. They will be playing tough teams so we’ll see. They are off tonight as the Jays are coming into Boston. Jays have been eliminated from playoffs. The AL Central has three teams that have been eliminated. I forget who is left. Going to be exciting either way. It all comes down to these games. Can’t believe it is already September.

Sunday Blog 9 Sept 18

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Sunday blog 9 Sept 18

I woke up around 2 in pain. My damn genitals felt like they were being crushed. No idea if they were or not. There was nothing there but OMG the pain when I touched myself was unreal. It took a few hours to settle down. When I woke up to take my meds, I just tried to go back to sleep. I would have slept through but my mother came up the stairs and she was laboring to breathe. I couldn’t relax because I was waiting for the thump of her falling. It never happened, thank god. I knew she didn’t use her inhaler like she is supposed to. She doesn’t think she needs it. Yes, cause doctors prescribe things we don’t need all the time. I am so pissed at her it isn’t funny. I really want to go with her to her doc’s so he can explain why she needs this inhaler because I obviously don’t know what I am talking about.

I got up an hour so later. I couldn’t sleep but I felt like absolute crap. I had no energy. I needed a shower and I had to go to the pharmacy to fill my meds. It was fricken cold so wasn’t looking forward to the shower as there is no heat. The heating vent doesn’t work, well it will for about 5 minutes and then go off, permanently. I think my brother in law put it in wrong or it is the wrong one for the power source. He didn’t replace the whole unit, just the heating part. I have no idea how much it will cost to replace the whole thing. I just know in the winter it sucks taking a shower because it is nice to be under hot water than freeze your ass off when you open the curtain!

I took a shower but it drained me further. I didn’t want to do a damn thing. I wanted coffee, but I didn’t want to make it. I got dressed and went to the store. My mother wanted something so I went to the pharmacy first. There was someone new there. Once I had dropped them off I went to get my mother’s things. Then I waited at the pharmacy. The pharmacist had a question for me, which I thought was dumb. She asked if I filled this on the 31st. I said I filled the immediate release. This was the extended release. She said it was the same med and I said yes but different forms. She said okay. This is starting to piss me off. It clearly states what the medication is so I don’t understand why I am questioned about it. I know what medication I am getting. I use the same pharmacy every time so they know when I fill it, etc. Just fill the damn thing! It isn’t hard, you have the information in front of you! Why do you have to question me about it like I don’t know what I am getting???

I get home and put my meds on my bed. I put my slippers on and went downstairs to make some coffee. I decided to make it at my sister’s because I wasn’t messing with a French press. I drank my coffee and I was just itching to bake something even though I felt like crap. I drank most of my coffee and then decided to make the cake that I bought about two months ago but was too hot to make because of the weather. I got the stuff and made it. I needed my mother’s help to spread it evenly then I put it in the oven. It took longer to cook because my oven sucks. My mother wanted dinner so I made that. I made a mess. The gravy had so much meat that it was all stuck together, even though I put it through a few defroster cycles. I just decided to put it in a pan. That helped but while I was trying to break up the meat, I caused a huge splash and gravy went all over the place. UGH. It even went on the wall behind the stove. I was so fricken tired the last thing I wanted to do was clean a wall. I did after dinner. I cleaned the counter too so my mother didn’t have to. She washed the pans and stuff. I wasn’t that hungry so ate half of what I put in the bowl. My sister came up with my baby cousin. She was kind of cranky because a tooth was coming in. Poor thing. After everything was cleaned up, I went upstairs.

I decided to fill my box for the week so went through the bag that I got from the pharmacy. I had a small bottle and wondered what it was. It was my Trileptal. It usually comes in a bigger bottle because the pills are big. I counted them out and instead of 60 pills, I got 30. Now I need to go back to the pharmacy to get the right amount of pills. I put in a complaint to the pharmacy on Twitter and will with the manager in the morning as they are closed now. I can’t believed they goofed! I made sure I had the right number of my pain meds. Just another hassle I got to deal with. Sucks.

Hurricane by Luke Combs

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Hurricane by Luke Combs

Fricken love this song. It is I think his first hit. I must have listened to it over a thousand times. Then when his album came out, I listened to One Number Away and it still stands as one of my top 25 songs on my MP3 player. I love Luke Combs music. His voice is just all country, something that is missing in today’s radio. I was listening to the country radio station last night and I had to shut it off because it was the SAME music I heard the night before. I don’t know what it is about Florida Georgia Line in spelling their new song they release but it is getting old. Their latest new song is SIMPLE and it is lame.

I saw my psychiatrist today. I told her my therapist and I are working on a way to keep me alive even though I don’t want to be. He understands it is my overwhelm and flares that are triggering my planning dates and feeling immensely suicidal and trapped. I was in pain before I saw my psych. My ankle bone was acting up. I took my BT med and an hour later I was drowsy, even though I just had 5 shots espresso. I think I need to cut back on the shots because my stomach had a hard time afterwards. I think I am just going to have 4 shots and see how I do. I didn’t put a lot of soy in, so that maybe why it caused some discomfort.

My psych was telling me about a dog named George that talked. I forget the exact title she gave me but I think I found the video on YouTube. It was so funny. I had seen it before but it is always fun to see again. She then emailed me saying she wanted labs. Shit. And they have to be fasting. UGH. I hate fasting labs. I’ll probably get it sometime next week, though I am not sure when. I will have to make sure I don’t eat after 9 pm and then get my blood drawn the day, if I don’t have the night from hell. She gets the labs done because it is a yearly thing with the Invega to make sure it isn’t doing funny stuff to my lipids or setting off diabetes. She probably ordered another chem 7 to check my glucose and sodium again. Fun stuff.

I was in agony with my damn ankle bone. It was hurting me so much. And there are such rude people on the train. Here I am with a brace on each leg and these two women raced on the train to the disabled seating. I was pissed. Luckily there was a seat available next to one of them and I didn’t care that my ass cheek touched the woman next to me. Tough shit. My bus home was late and I had to go to the pharmacy before going home. I bought some chimichangas for dinner and some ice cream sandwiches. My mother didn’t like it as it was too chocolatey. More for me! The house was so hot because my lunatic aunt had shut the back door because “it was letting the heat in”. Fucking moron. I couldn’t believe she was still there. Then my sister and I found out why. She didn’t want to leave my mother alone. I knew she felt like my mother was an invalid. Made my sister and I mad. She doesn’t need to be babysat. She is an adult and needs to do stuff on her own in order to get better. Waiting on her is not going to help her. I am just glad she left when we came home. I had to leave early because she was annoying the fuck out of me this morning, fucking yelling at the TV being stupid. I know I yell at the TV when I watch sports but she yells at every show she watches! That is just absurd!!

I am going to try and rest this weekend but I need to do laundry as the hamper is full. It is mostly towels and my clothes as I was pretty sweaty this week. I hope it is going to be cooler next week. Next Saturday I was supposed to go on a Booze Cruise but there is no way I can manage with being in two braces. The stairs are narrow and I don’t want to risk I fall. I went last year and loved it so much but it was hard to manage with my AFO going up and down the stairs. I feel sad that I can’t make it and see my beautiful town I live and grew up in on the water. I am sure my sister will post pics. I will tell her to take pics so I can steal them, LOL. I love Boston so much. I really want to go to the Boston Harbor Cruise. I have never been to Thompson’s Island or Spectacle Island in Boston Harbor. I really love George’s Island because there is the fort that was built during the Civil War that is still there, even though it is crumbling. Some parts of the fort you cannot have access to because it is collapsing. It is cool but I can’t walk around like I used to. It would be nice to bring a lunch and my chair and just sit on the grass and see the water around the island. I love the water. It calms me down. I miss my home town so much, which had the harbor on one side and Chelsea Creek on the other. It was really cool. I miss walking so much. I know that I would lose so much weight if I was able to walk like I used to. But the town I am living in now has too many hills and it is exhausting walking just to the pharmacy. I am lucky if I can walk around the block to go to the Post Office some days.

I start another round of PT next week. My only appt of the week. Monday I see family and hope to go swimming in my cousin’s pool. Depends on the weather and how I feel. She has an inground pool. I can’t wait to see them. I have to remember to bring my BT meds with me. They make me really drowsy so I hope I don’t have to use them.