Tag: complex regional pain syndrome

Insomnia strikes again

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Insomnia strikes again

I had about a 4 hour sleep and had to go to the pharmacy to see if I could get my pain meds filled today so I didn’t have to go tomorrow. My mother needed her meds picked up so I went. I looked in the shaving section to see if they had any good after shave. They had a Nivea one that was on sale so I got that. I should have the one I bought on Amazon delivered today but want to try different ones and see what I like.

I left my BFF a video clip, like I do daily. And then she sent me some voice clips and I just love hearing her voice because of her Canadian accent. It is funny that we both like the way we talk. She was telling me she likes how my face has these expressions while I talk. HAHA just me. I sort of notice them while I am speaking but never thought much of them.

I am in a lot of pain today. The barometric pressure went up 0.22 points. And while I was walking home from the pharmacy, my ankle gave out on me. So it was the longest walk home in a while. The street that leads to my house always seems like a mile long but because my ankle was being a fuck, it just seemed like a thousand miles. I didn’t bring my cane because I am not that used to carrying it all the time. It was a short walk so didn’t think to bring it. I think if I was going to the Square or to an appointment, I probably would have remembered to bring it. I regretted it anyways. My aunt was visiting and OMG she an my mother ganged up on me on am I seeing the right doc and seeing this person or what can be done for you talk. I need my meds and need to rest in bed. That is what I need. Maybe my dose of my pain meds needs to be increased but I am too doubtful this will happen so don’t bring it up when I see the doctors anyways. And they NEVER ask if the meds ARE helping the pain. Because if I tell them there is a problem, it becomes a big deal and more work and I just feel like why bother. Even though that IS THE REASON I HAVE THESE APPOINTMENTS!!! It just gets so tiring to go and not be heard or be told I need to see another doctor because my chickenshit PCP is too scared to think outside the box and treat something that shouldn’t be so fucking difficult. He has the same damn license as the other doctor so I don’t understand the problem. If he is prescribing me my pain meds I don’t understand why he can’t increase the dose to see if that helps my flares but I always get talked down about it. Damn crisis and CDC guidelines. Fucking ruining chronic pain patients. This is why I want to end things this year. I have a semi plan building. I have a date but have yet to put any of it in action yet. I wanted to see if my psychiatrist was going to back me up and she isn’t so I really have no other choice. I can’t live like this. It has been a year. I tried, it failed, so why go on???

I just got my new baking cooling racks and my mother yelled “I got a lot of them”. I said yea and they are small! These are bigger! The new after shave balm I bought has a nice scent to it. So now I get to choose, Nivea or American. Going to trash the Gillette one. It burns when I use it, probably because it has alcohol in it. Going downstairs to retrieve the box has really flared up my ankles. So I am going to pop some gabapentin and hope to go back to sleep. My mother is making vegetables, which she will probably have for supper. I don’t like rabe so will have either chicken pattie or cold cuts. Whenever the pain goes down, I plan on making breakfast burritos and freezing them. They will be a nice thing to have and easy to reheat on days I hurt too much to want to cook.

Long week of pain and no sleep

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Long week of pain and no sleep

To my daily readers, I apologize for not writing. I have been hit with depression, pain, and insomnia all week so didn’t feel much energy to post, not even a picture. Usually I snag a pic during the night time hours as that is when the Twitter account I follow posts the cute pics. But I haven’t even looked at Twitter that much because I just couldn’t even read the tweets. If something caught my eye, I did but the majority of the accounts I follow didn’t get read. I just didn’t have the energy.

Tuesday, I had emailed my psychiatrist to ask if I didn’t sleep could I page her to talk. She responded and asked would I go along with a “brief” admission to see my sleep/wake cycle. Well that shut down all communication with her. I responded with no as I know what that entails and I wasn’t up. I wasn’t suicidal and the reason I couldn’t sleep was because of fucking pain! Yesterday I did an experiment with the Lamictal to see if it was the culprit in the insomnia now that my dose has increased. I think it sort of was because I finally was able to sleep last night until 2 PM today. Granted I had taken some Benadryl to help, but still, that is the most sleep I have had in like two weeks.

Yesterday I had my groceries delivered and wanted to make this low carb chicken dish that was sort of like a Florentine chicken. I thought it came out delicious. My mother said it sucked. I also didn’t make any side dishes with it (I was really hurting and just wanted to get off my fucking feet so didn’t think to make one). So she had whatever she had and then reheated her chicken cacciatore that she made the other day. I wanted to bring the leftover to my barber today but it is too late now to do it. I don’t like reheated chicken. If there are left over chicken dishes, I will eat the chicken cold, including Chinese food.

Tuesday, I was up at 530 after getting maybe 2 hours of sleep. I didn’t want to go back to sleep because there was stuff I wanted to do. So I got my haircut and then I baked chocolate chip cookies with the new recipe I had. OMG these cookies are so friggen good! I love them. I bought more chocolate chips in my grocery order just so I had enough to make more cookies if I felt up to it. My friend who gave me the recipe asked if I halved the recipe and I said no. She said I was going to have a shit load of cookies and I did. I had like 4 trays of cookies. But they are yummy so I don’t care. The batter is thick and took some time to mix in the oats and chips in it. I thought I mixed it well but there was just plain oats at the bottom of the batter. I just scooped it on the tray. I didn’t care. I was getting tired as it took me 3 hours to make these as our oven sucks. Each tray took around a half hour to make (give or take 5-10 minutes). The bottom baked better than the top, which meant shuffling the tray. My niece liked the cookies and she doesn’t like oatmeal! I am glad I have cookies to eat because, well, I am a cookie monster. I also bought sugar cookies with my grocery order. LOL told ya, I am a monster. I also bought the roast beef that I love. My hope is to make sandwiches on days I have therapy as the day is long. The bus schedule sucks and if I miss a bus it could be up to two hours before I can go home.

I thought I was a financial wizard this month as I had 30 bucks left in my account but, alas, nope. I forgot to pay one bill, which will be on Monday as I don’t yet have a credit on the grocery order. I was supposed to get a pound of American cheese and only got half. They over charge you anyway and it takes like 5 days to get the money back into the account. I got the email this morning saying the credit has been issued so I hope by Tuesday I can pay this one last bill. I withdrew cash so I can pay for my meds this month. I did sort of buy stuff at Amazon but it was much needed. I shaved my head last night with a new blade and got razor burn so bad. I used the oil, too, so I don’t know why it hurt so much. So I bought an after shaving balm. I also bought cooling racks for the cookies because the trays we have SUCK!! You can only fit like 4-5 cookies on the rack. That is only not even ½ a tray of cookies! So I bought bigger ones. They weren’t that expensive, $16 for 4, which I thought was a deal. I don’t go to stores and I know Walgreens doesn’t sell them. I know they probably sell the after shave but I wanted a balm not a liquid. Hope it works because it took a while for it to calm down and I was in so much pain with my feet I just had to endure the burn on my head.

I found some exercises for my foot to do until I go to PT next week. I am getting so stressed out with going again. It is just that it is a long bus ride and then I have the appointment, then a bus to the station for the long bus ride home. I might cancel the appointment because I have two doctor appointments the following day and if I am sore (which I could be), walking is going to be difficult and I got to go to two different buildings, which means walking around the hospital. But I want to see how the beginning of the week goes with regards to my sleep. If I am not sleeping well or get into a flare, it will be a no go. I did the exercises last night and today I am not hurting too much with my right foot, though the side where the tendon tear is, is hurting. I probably did too much yesterday because after the cooking dinner, I numbed my foot to take a shave and shower.

I bought chicken patties and had one today. I forgot how good they were. I might have another one after my mother watches her LOUD shows and is out of the kitchen. I spent nearly $200 on groceries because I was tired of not having food by the end of the month except whatever my mother made. I wanted to get fish sticks or filets but it was really expensive. Even the chicken patties were expensive but you are paying for the price of having it delivered. My iced coffee which I bought 5 of was $28. I wanted to have it last for a month. I love the iced coffee better than hot. I might mix and match as I still have the K-cups to make coffee.

My transition is going okay. I think my mother is noticing my voice changes because she said something earlier this week. She doesn’t know I am on T. I have had some throat irritation and she thought it was because of the cold. HAHA nope. I asked around and apparently it is due to voice changes. I am happy. I also accidently sent a friend a video that was suppose to go to someone else. Her husband saw the video and was immediately like who is that guy. That made me smile. I haven’t seen him since before my transition and he isn’t on Facebook. I felt bad on the error. I got to pay more attention to who I am sending stuff too! Geez! My sideburns are still thicker. I did notice some fuzz while I was making the said video last night. So maybe the hair will come in soon. My mustache is still taking forever to grow since I last shaved it. I see the TG doc next week so I hope she increases the dose. It will be my off week so if she wants bloods done, I can possibly have it. It will just depend on how I am feeling that day. Fridays can be either busy or crazy in the blood drawing lab. If it is crazy, I will wait. As long as she doesn’t need a urine sample because I hate giving one. Well, I don’t. My bladder does. Damn nerve injury caused retention so bad I need at least three hours before I can go after drinking a lot of fluid. Used to be an hour. Now, nope. I think the meds also don’t help. But it is what it is. Until next time my friends. And thank you for reading!

Just pain rambling some more on flares

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression

I have had pain med change in July on the lowest possible dose that won’t affect the 90 MME (US has this stupid rule that you can’t go over this amount or if indicated, MD has to file documentation that pt needs it). My flares are worse in winter (everyone’s is) but I really have to be careful about taking my breakthrough meds. I don’t know how to get the docs to see that this new regimen, though works when not flared. Is not working when flared and I am often left on my own (aren’t we all). I want 1 of two things either an increase in ER dose or increase in BT meds per 12 hr. 1 pill per 12 hr doesn’t help me. I really don’t want to fight anymore but I feel that unless I threaten suicide I am not heard. I have had three nights now because temps have been below 10 degrees (-12C). February is usually the coldest month in Boston. I won’t be able to take it. I don’t know what to do anymore. My pcp is a *ick and my pain doc thinks I take up exam room space. Now I will be starting PT again which always stresses me out. Just rambling.

Flares and a fucking cold January storm

by Midnight Demon, posted in Bipolar Disorder, blogging, Chronic pain, chronic physical pain, CRPS, depression, mood disorders

Flares and a fucking cold January storm

So Friday night, hell began for me. I was texting a friend for a bit, just shooting the shit. Around 2020, it felt like my high ankle bone was going to snap. I thought I was imagining things but the pain got worse. I didn’t take anything as I thought I was imagining things and then, boom, bones in my ankle and foot were being crushed so bad all I could do was laugh. This was around 2100, a half hour or so later. I took some meds. I couldn’t believe I wasn’t tired as I had a hard time getting to sleep. I went to bed at 6 Friday morning and it was now 9 pm and I was just like WTF. I knew there was a storm coming. I literally felt it in my bones! The pain got worse as the night went on. Then the morning came and I just passed out from exhaustion. I had taken a whole lot of bunch of gabapentin, pain meds, and Ativan (only 2 though) to get me through the night. Saturday, I was exhausted and slept most of the day. I don’t even remember what time I woke up. But when I was awake, pain was still there. I felt like my foot was being split in half and then when the night hours came around, I was in agony again. It took a fucking lot not to end my life this weekend because I was hurting so much. I was using the walker to get around as I just needed the support more than anything.

Yesterday was similar, though not as bad. The temps were down to as low as 2 degrees F. I wasn’t hot in my room as it was so cold out. My voice has been up and down all weekend. My mother finally said something yesterday. She first asked me if I had the window open in my room. No. Then she asked if I had my fan on. I said no. Then she said it is the cold messing with your voice. HAHAHAHA if only. Today it is not so irritated. I kept having to clear my throat as there just felt like there was stuff there and I couldn’t cough it up. Much better today though. I asked my sister if I sounded different and she said not really. I did an experiment on FB where I did a video and just talked for a bit to see if those that knew me thought my voice was different. A dear friend said that I sounded like Morgan Freeman, and I was like NO I DO NOT! LOL. She was happy to see the changes and stuff so that made me happy. She is a very good friend and glad to be on this journey with me.

Tomorrow I got to call the TG doc’s office because I thought I had the appointment with her Friday but in the patient website thingy, it says the 1st of Feb. Either I put it in wrong or they changed it without telling me. I am going to be pissed if this happened because WTF. I would have showed up Friday just to be told to go home?? Not cool when you have difficulty getting to appointments as it is. So we’ll see who is wrong.

I have my shot this week so I will be taking pics. I think my fat face is getting bigger because I am fat. It had thinned out but either the way I am taking them or the lighting is making me look like I have fat rolls on my face, which I do not like. I hate doing the selfies. I was mad one night because I was in pain and just took like 5 selfies with different faces and posted it on IG with some bitchy thing. I couldn’t help it because I was so miserable that night.

I am so glad I didn’t see my therapist today because there is ice everywhere. It snowed then it turned to sleet/rain and froze because the temp dropped so suddenly. I haven’t taken a shower in like a week. Last week I had so many doctor’s appointments that it was ridiculous. I had something every day. I got a new brace for my right foot/ankle which is a bitch to lace up. It is a good kind though, probably better than Walgreens/CVS brand because the stability things can come out. I used it on Friday and added 20 minutes to my get ready time. Thing is going to be so great during PT as the PT is going to have to help me take it on/off as I cannot bend or move to see where the laces should be laced up. I shaved and kind of buzzed my head, and totally fucked up the back. Well the whole thing is messed up as I couldn’t get the trimmer to work right so some places got buzzed and other places didn’t. My barber is good and will see me tomorrow to fix it. I will pay him on Wed. Or make him his favorite dish that he loves. His wife loves it too so I am glad I get to show off my cooking skills. I miss cooking so much. I have been wanting to bake these stupid chocolate chip cookies that I bought special ingredient for and because of fucking pain/flares, I haven’t been able to make it. I think I need more breakthrough meds during the day to help me get through the fucking day or the ER dose needs to be increased. I have had it and with winter just showing up, it can only be a bad thing in the coming months. I am going to email my chickenshit PCP and tell him this because I am going to keep having nights where I am going to bed at 4-6/7 in the morning! I don’t see him again till March and winter will be over by then or close to it. I am just worried what February will bring.